The Spotlight

Have you ever been in a room full of people and you look around and realize that you don't belong?  That for some strange reason, you are in a room full of strangers who have nothing in common with you?  It is a very isolating feeling.  

That is exactly what happened earlier this week.   Munchkin is old enough for Cub Scouts.  He is over the moon excited for this.  He has been looking forward to it since his older cousin started a year ago.  

This week was his first pack meeting.  It was crowded and loud and he made friends and had a ton of fun! He was laughing and playing and following directions.  I could not have had a happier boy on my hands.  

I on the other hand, I sat in my seat and looked around at all of the families.  I felt like there was a HUGE SPOTLIGHT on me.  Like I stood out as a sore thumb. 

Over there-yep, she is the one without a husband.  Look at her here all alone.  

I know that it is only in my brain and no one certainly did anything to make me feel this way, it is just how I feel when we go into a situation that is surrounded by families.  For some reason, I thought being in a pack with my brother and uncle would make it less so-perhaps it will over time, but it did not help this week.  I came home and I cried.  The bitter painful tears of a broken heart.  I cried for me and I cried for Robert.   See, he didn't get to do scouting.   His dad did it with his older brothers but he was never afforded the opportunity.  He never actually camped ever.  I am from a scouting family.  We are all scouts and all camp and do things and volunteer.  It is how we were raised.   Robert was so looking forward to doing scouting with his son and us as a family.  Perhaps that is really why it is so painful for me to do alone.  This was one of those preconceived family things that I am now doing by myself.  NOT FAIR! 

I also know that it isn't fair for me to hole us up indoors alone, so we go out and do things.  We join scouts, we do family activities at school.  We show up and we do.  I know that our family is not unique.  I get that.  I know there are plenty of widowed moms and dads in the world.  Just wish there was one or two kindred spirits in our circles.  Then I feel horrible for wishing that, because I would not want ANYONE to go through this heartache and pain.  I actually wish that this didn't happen in the world.  You know, you get married, you have your family, your live happily ever after and no one dies, and no one has pain and heartache and grief.  Unfortunately, the world is not full of puppies and rainbows and vanilla scented unicorn farts! It is messy and hard and painful, but it is worth it.   

This weekend is the family camp out.  We are packed and ready to go.   My brother will be staying with his son, his wife will be at home with their daughter.   From what I understand, most families will be "half" families.   This knowledge doesn't help me feel less lonely.  For some reason it makes it more so.   

Eye of the Storm

Have you ever lived through a hurricane?  When they talk about the "calm before the storm" or the "eye of the storm" it is a real thing and it is eerie.

We went through several while we lived in Houston.  The eye is a surreal experience.  You have been pounded and pounded by wind and rain and then it stops.   Just as suddenly, it stops.   It is quiet and calm, and on more than one occasion, the sunshine came out for a bit and the animals started to peek out.   

Then BAM! Out of nowhere it starts again, the wind the rain, the hail.  It is relentless.  

When you come out the other side, when the storm finally passes, you hope that is the end.  You look and you see the sun, you see the debris, you see the damage.  You see your neighbors.   Everyone is helping.  You chat, you wonder if there will be any "trailing".   You know, other storms that follow the hurricane. 

Grief is kind of like that.  At first it beats you up.  The wind howls, the tears fall, you rock yourself to try and find some solace.  It takes a lot of time but believe it or not, you actually get used to the storm and you start to slowly go about your daily duties.  You get dressed, you do the dishes, you do housework.   After such a long time of being under siege, you are used to functioning at that same capacity.   You wipe your tears, you sleep when you are too exhausted to cry.  If you are lucky you have a great support system to cheer you on. 

One day you wake up, and you smile.  A nearly imperceptible smile, but a smile nonetheless.  You are in the eye of the storm.  You go about your life, you put one food in front of the other you notice the sun on your face, you feel a gentle breeze.  You survey the changes in you and the changes around you. 

You hope and you pray that it is a big eye.   That the storm give you enough of a break to actually clean up and repair a little bit.  You look at the storm behind you and you are grateful that you survived.  You don't take your time in the eye for granted.  Oh no, you know that the other side of the storm looms.  You have no idea when it will hit, but you know in your soul that it will. 

You feel it come, the winds whip at your face and the tears start to fall.   Perhaps it was because you smelled something or touched something that reminded you of life before the storm.  But know this, when you are in the second side of the storm, you stand a little taller, you don't hunker down quite as long.  You have done this once.

The knowledge that you have already survived the worst gives you the strength to stand up and move.  It doesn't stop the tears and the pain, but it does give you the fortitude to push through.   After all, nothing that the second side of the storm throws at you will be as shocking or as crazy as when the storm first came to uproot your life.   You know you can do this because you can.

 It doesn't mean that you go  running and chasing hurricanes-it simply means that when they come to rest at your door, you know that you can survive what they bring.