Family Reunion

This weekend is our family reunion.  Four days of family, food, shenanigans and laughter.   All of my father's living siblings (they are down to 7 out of 10 now...) will be here either themselves or through proxy and most of their cousins too!  We will have mass on Sunday in memory of the family members who have died.  There are "families" within our family that are missing someone for the first time and we will surround them with love and compassion as they walk their road. 


I have four siblings and for the first time since the summer Robert and I were married, we are all at the beach together.  Here is the thing, earlier in the week, I felt an ache--we are all here except Robert.  It took me time to identify the ache. It wasn't a sobbing mess of missing him--that happens so rarely now, I can't remember the last time. 


Last night, Munchkin was in bed watching a movie and my brother shared with him that he was watching one of his daddy's favorite movies, and I realized I am not the only one who remembers. 
We are all feeling it.  But at the same time, the hole in the fabric of our family that was created, is now a part of the family.  It no longer reduces us to tears.  I no longer stare into the dark of night wishing the pain away.  It is just a part of me and a part of all of us. 




The life we live now is NOTHING like the life Robert and I had with Munchkin. 


Munchkin and I have figured out our two person family and it is our normal. I have been "only parenting" so long, I don't remember what it was like to have that extra set of hands. I don't remember what is it like to have someone else to do things--we are just normal now. Part of that normal is enjoying our family and family reunion. 

Our China

Many years ago, Robert decided that he wanted to help me register for our wedding.  I didn't generally have a problem with it as I thought that he would be helping with the general "house" stuff.   HA!  Little did I know that he wanted input in EVERYTHING.  When I say everything, I mean china pattern, crystal pattern and even my silver.

My silver pattern was picked for me when I was a baby--and I had several pieces.  I put my foot down that I was NOT changing it.  I actually hoped that he would BUTT out of my china and crystal as well...no such luck.

We fought--I mean really fought.   We actually fought more over planning our wedding than we did the entire time we were married.    I swore that we were never getting divorced because I was never again going to endure planning a wedding!   Most of the strife actually came in the disparity on our family sizes.   His was very very small--less than 20 total and mine was HUGE over 100 with only the closest cousins on each side.  At the time, he couldn't really comprehend how a family could not only be so large, but be so close that they actually spoke to each other regularly.

Here is some insight.  I was brought up knowing how to set a proper table with fine china and crystal.   He thought it was a very neat idea and something he had never experienced.   It was a right of passage in our family to be able to learn to care for and even wash it at my Great-Grandmother's house.   Mom and Nana also served meals on their fine pieces and it was a BIG deal to be promoted to the grown up table.  I had my heart set on the type of patterns that I would get to pick.  I didn't even consider that my future husband would even want to bother with those details.   Boy was I wrong.

I wanted simple china, he wanted ornate.  We settled on a middle of the road pattern that he really liked and I tolerated.  What is important is that the  pattern was the very first time that we compromised.  I served on it often.  I was careful to rotate the boxes so that no one set faded more than the rest.  It was our home from work a little early and had time to set the table dishes.   We used it at least once a week and often times more.

After he died, it was boxed up and moved, and moved again, and moved again and finally moved into my house.   I have not used it since the week before he died.  It seemed like every time I looked at the boxes I was flooded with memories that led to tears.   These beautiful dishes had sat unused for far too long.

I decided a few weeks ago that I would serve Christmas on my fine china.  This was a huge step for me.  This morning I pulled it out, and set the table.  Only, I don't have enough pieces for the entire family so I ended up intermixing my other dishes, but I still used them.   Mom brought over a few settings of my great-grandmother's silver for me to use to complete the table and we had a great meal.   Lots of laughter and love around the table today.  It was the kind of Christmas that I remember from before my life was touched by tragedy.    We were missing one brother and his family that were at his inlaws, but my youngest brother brought his girlfriend and my sister brought her father in law.

I am so grateful to have my family around us and to be able to cook and entertain everyone.  It was a very nice day.

The Perfect Leaf

Halloween for us kicks of the sprint through the end of the year.   Life always goes more quickly than I would like, but now it kicks into warp speed!

This year is no different.  I find myself looking around at all the things that need to get done and I start calculating when I can do them and dig in.  I am ashamed to say that there are times that I plow through just to get done.   It isn't how I would like things to work, but sometimes, there are only so many hours in a day and I need to be doing in order to keep us up and running on all cylinders!

However, in spite of that, I find little reminders to slow down. 

Munchkin has been sick this week, so instead of trick or treating for hours, we did less than 10 houses of people we knew and then went and had dinner with my brother, his girlfriend, my sister and her husband.  It was a ton of fun.  Dinner was good and the company was even better.  I felt contented to be surrounded by my siblings and for the first time, the tears didn't creep in to steal my joy.  Not even when Munchkin carved his first pumpkin!  It was nice to sit and have dinner and have Munchkin rough house with his uncles and run around squealing at hide and seek on a sugar high. 

As Munchkin was rough housing with "guys" it was nice to just sit still for a few minutes!

Because Munchkin has food allergies, I have to check his candy to create a "safe pile".   As I sorted-and he generously was handing candy out to the grown ups around him, I found a leaf.  I looked at it quizzically and as I was about to toss it out--Munchkin said---Mommy can we keep it?  It was on the sidewalk and it was little and perfect so I rescued it from the rain. 

And you know what-it was a perfectly beautiful maple leaf.

So I kept it for him, and for me as a little reminder to slow down these next few weeks and look at everything around us!

I am so grateful for my little boy and all of the reminders and lessons that he brings be every step of the way!

Just a little HOPE

This past weekend after spending a ton of time at the beach with family, we finished it off with going to watch the start of the sailboat race.   The morning was cool and it was a ton of fun.  The waves were VERY rough, so much so that we thought that they would call off the race.    The picture below is deceiving, that concrete wall is about 25 feet above the water....so the waves are coming more than half way up. 

We were sitting on the harbor side of the breakwall watching the waves crash over the lighthouse.  The first boat started and then turned around.   Another one started out and stopped.   Finally, a smaller sailboat went right by us and raised the sail.   As I caught the backside of the boat I noticed that it was named "HOPE". 

That little boat, skillfully sailed along the breakwall and went right out into the lake and waited.   One by one, the rest of the boats, about 30 in all, followed that little HOPE and the race began. 

 

As you can see, the riptides were strong...I mean, the life guards went to the trouble to post signs that "death may occur".     When you look at the pictures of the boats, you can see how far they are all listing.   It honestly looked like many of them would be hit by a wave and flipped. 

 

I am struck by the irony of this.   I am one to choose hope and faith  above all else.  I have always been.  For me, the best part of the morning was family.  I was there with my son, brother, cousins aunts and uncles.   I didn't even bring my camera and I think I took less than ten pictures with my phone.  My cousin is the one to thank for the beautiful pictures.    I sat and was present with my family for some very peaceful time.  Something five years ago seemed impossible.   I let my son play in the sand with his cousins and I sat and visited with the grownups.   It was peaceful and it was   perfect.   So I am glad that my perspective on life allows me to realize what is happening around me and to be present and find joy again.   I am always grateful for hope and joy in whatever way they show up in my life!

 

These Days

The other night, we were playing outside.  Munchkin was running around the yard.  I was admiring the grass that I had cut a few days ago.  The air was cool and the sun was setting.   Two of our friends were walking by and stopped to chat.

I am feeling so blessed that we live in such an awesome neighborhood, where everyone knows each other and people play together in the evenings.  Where friends stop to talk and literally are just a phone call away.  Where kids play outside and ride bikes and chase lighting bugs and whine to stay up just a little later.

I am grateful that for the moment we are living an idyllic life.  One that I had hoped and wished and planned for.  Evenings in the yard, coffee on the patio in the morning.  Looking at the bunnies hop through the yard and hoping that the fox isn't hot on their tails.  I am in awe of all of the wonderful things that have happened in our life.  I never dreamed that we would ever have a house again.  Yet, here we are!

Six years ago I was hoping to share these days with Robert and our child someday. Five years ago, I couldn't see past the brokenness to imagine these days would ever happen or feel good without Robert here.   Today, even though Robert isn't here, I have a sense of contentment with the life that we have.  It doesn't make it ok that Robert is dead, but I can tell you on most days, I have found the fortitude to be grateful for what is in front of me today.  I am grateful because I know how quickly and permanently things change.  I give thanks constantly for our blessings and I pray every day to continue to be blessed. While I certainly think I have had my share of tragedy, this bliss is not guaranteed to continue and I know that.  I have worked very hard to stay in the present moment and to practice gratitude and it seems to be working.  It seems to be getting better for us. 

We are very, very blessed these days.  

Counting my blessings

Last night, a company that I have been doing business with decided to close.  I have full belief that they did everything that they could to prevent it and are even looking to place those that worked with them with other companies. 

There are some really great women that work with Gigi Hill and countless that relied on them for the sole support of their family.  Last year when I went to the convention with my best friend, I had the privilege of meeting some pretty amazing people.   Even though I was not selling the purses and just went for a vacation, I had an amazing time and was welcomed with open arms.  

My heart breaks for all of these women.  There are people left with a ton of inventory. Investment into inventory for a company that as of last night no longer exists.   There are families left with no income. 

Let that sink in.  NO INCOME. 

Wow.

Here is the thing, on all of the facebook groups, these women are being positive and inspiring and offering prayers for the two owners of the company who were in tears as they made their announcement last night. 

I have yet to see a "poor me" post or even any anger.   I realize this is less than 24 hours into the process and Gigi Hill asked for 24 hours for a plan to present to everyone.  But still.  No one has been anything but super supportive to each other. 

Nothing negative at all.  Nada, zip, zilch.

If that is not the epitome of grace, I am not quite sure what is.  

I know I am lucky.  I have a great job that I really love and even though it is a new job, it provides for my family.   I did sell Gigi Hill on the side, but literally only because I really loved their purses.  I do have some inventory here at my house, but honestly not all that much.  I am blessed.   I am lucky.  But far more than that I am grateful for all of the women that I have met in the past year that are truly are graceful, caring and amazing.  I am inspired by the Grace and Faith that I am witnessing as we speak. 

I too offer my prayers to everyone that other doors open and that everyone lands on their feet in a place that will be perfect for what they need for their families.   Please join me in that prayer! 

The Spotlight

Have you ever been in a room full of people and you look around and realize that you don't belong?  That for some strange reason, you are in a room full of strangers who have nothing in common with you?  It is a very isolating feeling.  

That is exactly what happened earlier this week.   Munchkin is old enough for Cub Scouts.  He is over the moon excited for this.  He has been looking forward to it since his older cousin started a year ago.  

This week was his first pack meeting.  It was crowded and loud and he made friends and had a ton of fun! He was laughing and playing and following directions.  I could not have had a happier boy on my hands.  

I on the other hand, I sat in my seat and looked around at all of the families.  I felt like there was a HUGE SPOTLIGHT on me.  Like I stood out as a sore thumb. 

Over there-yep, she is the one without a husband.  Look at her here all alone.  

I know that it is only in my brain and no one certainly did anything to make me feel this way, it is just how I feel when we go into a situation that is surrounded by families.  For some reason, I thought being in a pack with my brother and uncle would make it less so-perhaps it will over time, but it did not help this week.  I came home and I cried.  The bitter painful tears of a broken heart.  I cried for me and I cried for Robert.   See, he didn't get to do scouting.   His dad did it with his older brothers but he was never afforded the opportunity.  He never actually camped ever.  I am from a scouting family.  We are all scouts and all camp and do things and volunteer.  It is how we were raised.   Robert was so looking forward to doing scouting with his son and us as a family.  Perhaps that is really why it is so painful for me to do alone.  This was one of those preconceived family things that I am now doing by myself.  NOT FAIR! 

I also know that it isn't fair for me to hole us up indoors alone, so we go out and do things.  We join scouts, we do family activities at school.  We show up and we do.  I know that our family is not unique.  I get that.  I know there are plenty of widowed moms and dads in the world.  Just wish there was one or two kindred spirits in our circles.  Then I feel horrible for wishing that, because I would not want ANYONE to go through this heartache and pain.  I actually wish that this didn't happen in the world.  You know, you get married, you have your family, your live happily ever after and no one dies, and no one has pain and heartache and grief.  Unfortunately, the world is not full of puppies and rainbows and vanilla scented unicorn farts! It is messy and hard and painful, but it is worth it.   

This weekend is the family camp out.  We are packed and ready to go.   My brother will be staying with his son, his wife will be at home with their daughter.   From what I understand, most families will be "half" families.   This knowledge doesn't help me feel less lonely.  For some reason it makes it more so.   

Turning 6

Munchkin turned six last week. I can't believe that time has flown by so quickly, He is an amazing young man and I love being his mommy. Really I do, I wouldn't trade it for anything...I will take all of it, the messiness, illness, challenges...I soak it in. I soak up his sassy mouth and his (my) sarcastic sense of humor. At times when I want to scream, I take a breath and remember everything is a phase....including his vocabulary.

Sometimes though, I can't help remembering the fact that Robert was cheated out of celebrating any of Munchkin's birthdays with us, It makes me ill to remember the fact that Robert never got the opportunity to select one birthday theme, present, streamer or birthday hug. It breaks my heart to know that Munchkin won't have memories of his daddy on his birthday.

This year he wanted a basketball hoop-perfect daddy son activity right???? I know we are lucky and I thank God everyday. A few weeks ago, I alerted my sister and her husband that this was the birthday wish. They are expensive so I asked grandparents to kick in cash and Heather and Tom are covering the vast bulk of the cost and Tom will install it and he will play with him. I know that there are other families who are not nearly as lucky as we are to have people to step up...and my family has stepped up HUGE for us. I really am grateful, really I am. I just wish that they didn't have to.

It is just stuff...

So we are in the midst of a monsoon...which means for the first time in my new house I am learning to deal with flooding.   YIPPEE!

Here is my take, my yard is flooded, my basement is wet, there is silt seeping in through the foundation.  But it is just stuff. 

I am safe, my son is safe, my family is safe.   It is just STUFF. 

The sewer is a geiser in the middle of the street, the water has receeded a bit, but we are due for more rain.  So it is likely to come back up.

I am proud of myself.  Proud of the fact that my initial reaction was the correct one.  That anything that gets wet or ruined, is just stuff.  I moved stuff out of the basement becuase I figured that pulling out wet crap would be far more difficult.   So I watched to make sure the sump pump engaged, I squeegeed up the water. I moved as much stuff upstairs as I could. I did it by myself. I didn't panic, I didn't wallow, I just did it.

Perhaps I am simply desensitized by my nomadic lifestyle since Robert died.  Perhaps that shock of losing so much stuff and so much of our stuff has made it easier for me to let it go?  I don't know what it is, but for the moment I will be grateful. 

 

The Sleepless Lesson

The other night I had a sleepless night.   They are now few and far between-I am grateful.  It used to be that a night of rest was the rarity!

I digress, those who have insomnia can attest that there is NOTHING good on TV at 3 am.  Perhaps that is by design, but really when you are trying to shut off your brain, some mindless TV goes a long way!     When we lived with mom and dad after the accident, I used to leave the TV on all night.   I couldn't handle the emptiness of my bed and compound that with the silence of my room...well, I had to have some background noise.  So now, when I can't fall asleep I turn on the TV and it usually helps. 


As I was laying there willing myself to sleep I heard a song.  It spoke to me.  

 

"Lift the darkness, Light a fire,

For the silent and the broken hearted"

 

"There's a comfort there's a healing

High above the pain and sorrow

Change is coming, can you feel it?

Calling us to a new tomorrow. "

 

"STAND UP, SUGARLAND"

Wow, just wow.  Those lyrics were exactly what I needed to hear.  I promptly downloaded the song (Shazaam rocks :) ) and fell asleep.

So for the last few days I have been listening to the song.  It is all about using your voice and standing up for those around us.  I have been thinking about what it is that I am supposed to be doing.   What is the lesson that God is trying to show me?  Sometimes He is subtle, sometimes, not so much.  Sometimes, I doubt there is purpose in my writing and sharing of my feelings.  I know that I didn't start publishing until I was widowed for a very long time (relative to a lot of the other blogs out there).  But here is my secret-there were a few widows that I met early on both in person and in their writing that were much farther out.   They shared where they were in their journey with me and it gave me hope.  It showed me that people can be ok and people can be happy and that I too could survive.   Not only survive but thrive in my new life. 

This is not the life that any of us ordered, however, I can tell you that there is peace, there is happiness and takes time.  There are still bad days-but now for me they are few and far between.  The nighmares fade with time and the memories now bring a smile.  Take a deep breath, the storm will clear and eventually you will catch a glimpse of the beautiful blue sky!  Just hang on and keep swimming!

Dear Robert...

Dear Robert,
Today marks five years since that morning.  I still miss you, but more than that, I hope that you really can see us from Heaven.  I hope that you can see just how far we have come.  I hope that you know that even though I don't cry every day that I still love you and I still miss you.   

I hope that you can see how much you have shaped me as a person.  I am not the same young girl that you married, and I am not the same woman who buried you.  I have tried very hard to make sure that losing you did not make me old and bitter.   That losing you gave me the opportunity to acknowledge your love for me and for Munchkin.  

I look around myself and I still see pieces of you everywhere.  Today, they make me smile more than cry and I am glad that I did hold on to some of your things.   I have your piano, your trumpet.  In the back of my closet I have one of your bears sweatshirts...it is tattered, but it reminds me of you.  I sitll have "Conductor Bear" and your bottle of cologne  I can pick it out anywhere!   The other day I came across one of your written compositions of piano music.   It reminded me of all of the time that we had spent together in the studio. 

Well, I finally have a music room again, and Munchkin and I spend time together making music. 

Honestly, I didn't think that I would have come this far.  I hope that you can see all of my new friends and that you see the friends of ours who stood by my side and helped me.   Because, really at the beginning, there were days where it was almost insurmountable to put my feet on the floor and get out of bad, missing you hurt me that badly.   I think for many of our friends, it was too much for them to see me so broken. 

But many friends stood by me.  I had friends and family that were there.  They helped me see the light and to remember you when it was too hard to even bear.  Some kicked my butt when I needed it, some dried my tears and others just listened when I needed to talk about you.   For a long time, I felt that I was losing you over and over again daily.   Our friends helped me to see that was not the case. I hope that you can see them too!

My sister and my brothers, they miss you too.  More than they talk about.   I know that they do.  Munchkin peppers them and me with questions about you.  It is sweet to see how they answer him.  Mom and Dad miss you too.    They worry about me and about Munchkin but I think that they finally believe that we will be ok. 

Oh, and our baby boy, he isn't so much a baby anymore.  He is a vibrant happy boy.  We play baseball, ride bikes and play catch.  I think of you, and I hope you can see us being happy.  Really, more than anything, I hope you see us happy.  I hope you know that happiness is possible again only because I know that you loved me so completely.  I know that you would want me to be happy.  I know that it broke your heart anytime I would cry, so to honor your memory I look for and seek out the happiness. 

I try and teach that to Munchkin as well.   I hope you can see what a good heart he has and how hard he works at everything that he does.   He does many things that you used to do.   He uses many of your hand gestures and definitely has your daredevil sense of adventure!  (He does however have my sarcasm and quick wit!) 

What I really hope that you know is that you are a part of me and you always will be.  I was changed because of losing you, but my biggest blessings and changes have come from knowing you and being your wife.  

Love Always,
Your IrishPrincess

Right Place....Right Time

Today I was on the phone at work. I was trying to find time to fit in an evening teleconference with a west coast colleague. I mentioned....we'll tonight is PTA, tomorrow is TaeKwonDo....the lady jokes..."we live in the same world". I laughed and let my flippant side out.
"we are in no way in the same world"
She replied, "why is that?"
"I'm widowed"
She paused and said she was sorry. She then told me her husband was just diagnosed with end stage pancreatic cancer.

We were both weeping. I apologized to her. Me and my big mouth!

But I told her that it would be ok. She asked me to tell her that her kids would be ok. I assured her that they would. I also said that it isn't easy and it would not be ok for a while and that was ok too, but that yes it will be ok.

Not today, not tomorrow but eventually it will be ok. I know that is very hard to fathom, but just take one thing at a time. I went through months where I had to remind myself to breathe. But a few weeks after the accident a very sweet woman who was widowed and remarried, took me for coffee and told me those same words.

To hear someone has survived and to see them be ok is what fed my hope. It made me find my inner strength to realize that someday it would get better.

Today, I happened to be able to pay that dose of hope forward.

Conversations and Memories

Yesterday was a crazy day...Munchkin had a tournament that went all day...he did awesome and cheered on his friends who also did VERY well.  Late in the afternoon, the parents decided we would all go out for some dinner.  The kids all entertained each other.  They are really great friends, and the grown ups sat around talking.  It was nice and simple.

For one of the first times, I did not feel out of place at all.  My widowed-ness didn't burn through my body.  I actually sat back and enjoyed myself.  We swapped stories of wild climbing boys...discussed parenting and laughed that all of our kids do just about the same stuff!

At one point the conversation drifted-the question came up-WHAT is the best year of your life?  Hmmmm....well one couple said the decade they are in now.   A father said his 30's...his kids were here, a little younger and he had more time. 

My answer was most of the year I turned 30.  Munchkin was born a few weeks after my 30th birthday.  The following ten months, although wrought with struggles, were bliss.  We were a family, there was three of us.  Even though Robert had MAJOR back surgery when munchkin was 3 months old, and it was hard.  When I say hard...I mean HARD.  He couldn't take care of himself, and there was no way he could take care of Munchkin either.  He had virtually no mobility in his back brace.  I ended up taking a leave of absence to care for him when he got home.  We spent months together, just the three of us.  We figured it out and it was great.

My sister got married that year and in retrospect, it was the LAST time that my family was all together in one place.   We literally didn't know until the day before whether Robert was going to be able to fly with us-by the Grace of God he was able to go.  We had a fantastic time.

Now, even though there were great things that happened, the year I was 30, I was also widowed.  I watched Robert die in front of my and my life has been forever changed. 

So in the span of less than twelve short months, my son was placed into my arms, and Robert left this earth.

If someone had told me even 2 days before the accident that Robert would die-I would not have changed one thing about how we spent our time.  That was the year that I really learned to be present and to enjoy what was in front of me.  I think that is what set that year apart for me.   The majority of the year was so memorable, because I was busy taking in the joy of being a mother and being a family of three that I decided to let everything else fall away. 

Cousins

I am blessed with an enormous family.  Dad is one of TED kids, Mom is one of FIVE.  I am the oldest of FIVE.  Yes we are catholic ;)

I digress...the result of this is that I have more cousins than I can count on most days and we are all close.  When Robert joind our family, he was floored by the sheer number in the "clan" and then completely taken by surprise at our welcoming nature.   He grew up in a small family and this was a generally foriegn concept to him.   Over the years he became even more in awe of just how close we were.   When Munchkin was born, my heart ached that we were so far away from everyone.  So much that before Robert died, we had actually decided that we would move back to Chicago before he started school. 

Tonight and tomorrow night, my brother's kids are sleeping over.   The boys will race their pinewood derby cars tomorrow and we will generally frolic and have a ton of fun.   As I listened to the boys play while I painted Princess's nails, well, I could literally hear the joy in their giggles.  They are currently snuggled up with their pillow pets on the floor talking about the big race in the morning. 

I am so grateful that he will grow as close to his cousins as I did, becuase honestly, I have no idea where I would be today had I not been blessed with the family that I have. 

Perfect Moment Monday-SNOWBALLS

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Perfect Moment Monday is about noticing a perfect moment rather than creating one. Perfect moments can be momentous or ordinary or somewhere in between.
On the last Monday of each month we engage in mindfulness about something that is right with our world. Everyone is welcome to join.


http://www.blogher.com/frame.php?url=http://LavenderLuz.com

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This month we have had actual snow! Inches of it.  Now a little background, I lived in Texas for nearly ten years and I whined and moaned and groaned every winter that I missed snow and seasons!
Therefore, I do not complain of snow.  In the past four years, it has become somewhat of a joke in my family because Texas has had more snow than we have had!  We even had a record number of days without snow here in Chicago. 

Well a week or so ago, we got about 6 inches of snow. We were not going to miss the opportunity to enjoy the cold white stuff.   While I was outside shoveling, Munchkin was feeling well enough to come out and help me.   Well, his "helping" turned into the two of us playing.  I decided it was more fun and far more important to play with him-he will be grown soon enough and not wanting to play with Mommy!

For 20 minutes, it was glorious.  I showed him how to make snowballs, and we threw them at each other.  Laughing, and running around, Munchkin was all smiles.   We then built a mini "sled hill" and he had great fun "sledding" down it.

It was absolutely priceless to be able to just stop and throw snowballs.  To listen to his laughter and just generally have fun with Munchkin!  When we were cold, we went inside and made some hot cocoa-topped with whipped cream.   Sometimes, the best moments are those that just happen.   I hope that as Munchkin grows older, he finds joy in the memories that we make together.  

Simple Joys

Talking to a friend the other day, he asked me what was new. I said with a big triumphant announcement that I.HAVE.A.SLOP.SINK! He looked at me like I had two heads. It's all about finding joy in the little things I told him.

Munchkin managed to get something red all over a shirt....in the routine cleaning of the never ending laundry pile. I realized something. I have a slop sink. It made me laugh and then smile. For the first time in my grown up life...I have a REAL laundry room.

Now, this may seem strange. Living in Texas, I had become accustomed to doing laundry in a sauna (cough) I mean garage. Yes our washer and dryer were in the GARAGE. That meant that when it was 120 in the shade, I was doing laundry, not in the air conditioning, but in the heat. It also meant that Robert had equal access to the washer and dryer and it was not unusual for them to be covered in tools and car parts, or full of greasy grimy car towels. (for the record, running simple green in hot water will remove the grime). Now, while I fondly remember these facts now, when I had a full load of laundry in my arms, tripped over the ledge to the garage and discovered the aforementioned state of my washing machine-well let's just say I have a very robust vocabulary of four letter words.

Living in an apartment, while I did have a very nice washer and dryer in our unit, well all of those girly things that get line dried...the only place for my drying rack was in our living room. Really, I'm sure my siblings had more views of my undergarments than anyone needs to see or cares to admit. Oh, and soaking clothes stained with preschool masterpieces-the choices were kitchen counter (all four feet of it) bathroom counter (where munchkin could play with it) or a space on the floor.

So yes,I have a slop sink, my messy boy can get as messy as he wants and I have a place to make his clothes presentable. It is the simple things that make me happy.

That's what little boys are made of....

Oh what a whirlwind of a weekend! Party at a friends house...time with my brothers, building pinewood derby car..cooking, baking cuddling and reading!

So at this party...Munchkin learned how to climb the walls....literally. Where did he learn this? Well from his buddies...twins a year almost to the day older than him.

Tonight I'm cooking, and he calls to get my attention and was literally climbing the walls. Now, my first reaction was shock...I mean who does that? BOYS that's who! I couldn't help but laugh! See what THEY taught me mom?

I was overcome with gratitude! I mean, I am just not wired to think of these things. I never would have thought to show him the joys of climbing the wall like a spider monkey. Nope. Never. Reading, spelling, singing, cooking, cleaning...got those covered! I can even discuss gross things like snakes and spiders. Climbing...nope not even on my radar!

The fact that we are surrounded by people that love us enough to accept us still, well it is beyond words. Why do I say still? Because, this is the same family that in 2008 and 2009 graciously welcomed us constantly into their home, listened to my sobs, tears and fears, and they still don't slam the door and turn off the lights :) When I say constantly, I mean constantly. Like almost daily. When I say sobs, I mean the horrible messy sobs that necessitated the husband taking all five kids (their four and my one) outside or on a walk while she sat with me and listened. The ones who answer the phone and texts for help regularly and I'm pretty sure they have never told me no. Did I mention that she is my best friend's sister and I have known her pretty much forever? That my best friend comes up here from 2 hours away and does the same for me. Yep that family. In terms of friends, I know that I have some very rare gems :) The fact that those same people have children that are kind, carefree and well just plain rambunctious boys...even better!

in the quiet

Sometimes it is just too quiet.  The silence around me makes the thoughts in my heart deafening.  Usually resulting in tears.  Not the silent dripping down my cheeks tears-but the messy sobbing pain of a broken heart. 

Now, thankfully, these episodes are not daily anymore, not weekly or even any predictable regularity.  I am grateful for that. 

I don't think that the pain has lessened from losing Robert.  I think that I have just become used to the void.  Used to the scars, the empty feeling.  I have chosen not to give my brokenness power over the rest of my life.   I am glad that I have made that choice.  That for the most part I can be in the present moment and enjoying time with Munchkin or completing tasks at hand.  

There are times however, where a memory will reach up and slap me.  At those times, I cannot help but to feel my broken heart.  To feel the pain of losing him.  It is crushing, it is earth shattering and it is horribly unfair.  Those are the times that generally result in the sobbing previously mentioned. 

I have a favorite quote: "Take PRIDE in how far you have come, and FAITH in how far you can go"

I try and force myself to take a step back and realize that even though at that moment, I feel horrible-that I really have come very far.  I am not crying 24/7.  I am no longer paralyzed by memories-and at times I can even enjoy sweet memories.  Nightmares and flashbacks of the accident are no longer constant...and dare I say have faded to few and far between.  So yes, I have come very far in the past few years, so I just have to remember that as bad as it feels at that moment, that it will get better...it has gotten better over time and that it will be OK!

It takes a village...

A very long lifetime ago there was a book written by Hillary Clinton called "it takes a village".  Here is a confession...I didn't read it then, I still haven't read it now.  But let me tell ya, it takes a village!

In the past week:
--My mom and brother hid valentines at my house for my son to give to me
--my other brother babysat for a few hours so I could go out with some girlfirends
--My Brother in law picked munchkin up from school, took him to TaeKwonDo, fed him and put him to bed so that I could attend a business dinner
--My brother came over before 6 am, got munchkin up, fed him breakfast, made sure he actually grabbed all of his crap AKA homework and carted him off to school on time, so that I could give a presentation at work early in the morning.
--my mom picked up some groceries and then offered to cook them with hers if I could bring by some ziplock bags, I would have frozen meals in my freezer to pull out and serve (Seriously, I have NO CLUE what I am going to do when she retires and moves away!)
-my brother was the second set of hands to reprogram the garage door opener after he changed the battery...seriously, I can't move fast enough to get from the keypad to the door!
-My best friend took the time to give me no less than 3 pep talks on the fact that everything will be just fine
-mom was on chat with me at 10pm at night--way past her bedtime helping me debate to call the pediatrician then or wait until 8 am when they opened (you know the usual spousal support!)

So yes, it takes a village, while all of these things seem insignificant to some people, the sum total of all of the love and support that we recieve, well it is simply amazing. 

I am thankful that I belong to such an amazing family!

Playing Games

Munchkin is at the age where games are totally his thing.  I cannot tell you the number of hours he and I have spent playing board games and I am very glad that we have moved on to things besides CandyLand!  Recently it has been yahtzee and scrabble as the favorites as well as an I SPY board game that Santa brought him.   He has really gotten the concept not only of taking turns but following the actual rules--which actually makes playing fun!

One Sunday afternoon, two of my brothers came over to visit and pick up a few things.  Munchkin managed to convince them that they needed to play I SPY with us.  Now keep in mind, Munchkin has had the game for the better part of the month and I am positive has pretty much memorized it! The four of us sat down around my dining room table and proceeded to play.  Munckin was quite thrilled that not only could he beat his mommy, but two of his uncles as well! He had it all figured out, even to the point of helping the rest of us slowpokes find our items on the cards.  A few times, the rest of us didn't even get our cards drawn before he was ringing the bell! We had fun and laughter and lemonade...really do you need much more?

This went on literally for the better part of two hours.  It reminded me of how much fun we used to have as kids playing board games.  Seriously, there were five kids growing up and board games were awesome for all of us!  I am grateful that my brothers still enjoy games and are willing to indulge my son in his love of them as well.   I am grateful that I made the decision to move back to where my family is--there is so much that we get to be a part of that we would otherwise miss if we were across the country!