Top Ten Experiences of Being Widowed

Six years ago, I could not see the light of day.  I could not fathom that I could accomplish anything by myself.  I depended on my family for a sounding board for EVERY little decision that had to be made.  Seriously, I was paralyzed in my grief and I put up with a lot from the world around me that I should not have. 

I have learned and grown over time, but honestly there are some things that still suck.  So being the positive person that I am-here are 10 things that I have learned in the last 6 years. (Yep, a little tongue in cheek here, but bear with me.)

 

10. You get to care for your house all yourself--in addition to a "girly" master bedroom that you don't have to compromise on, you also get all of the bills, repairs and manual labor that goes with a house

9. Eat whatever you want--just know that you are usually doing it alone

8. Parenting choices are not up for debate-piano lessons--done, not playing tackle football--done and done, however, know that you are on the sidelines by yourself amongst other traditional family units and it is isolating and suffocating all at once

7. No one steals the covers in the middle of the night--but there also isn't anyone else to check out the noises in the middle of the night, or change batteries on smoke alarms that go haywire, or shovel the snow "one last time" before bed.

6. Sleep in as late as you wish--as long as you are up before the kiddos and dog, because there is no one else to corral them into something more useful than making "squirrel soup" in the kitchen while you snooze (seriously, don't ask...it's far worse than it sounds, I promise!)

5. Schedule parent teacher conferences to accommodate only one schedule--although there isn't another person to help you remain sane while dealing with a bureaucratic system that is failing your child (and the majority of kids in that classroom) I strongly suggest calming techniques that don't look passive aggressive, don't cross your arms or clench your jaw...let me know if you find something useful!

4. Your brothers step up and do things with you and your kiddo--but then they get mistaken for your husband--AKWARD!

3. Vacation wherever you want-provided that you can afford it on one salary and it takes you to a place that feels "safe" for a woman and child by themselves, and that you can schlep all of the luggage that you need by yourself and still manage to keep a free hand to hold onto your small child because the thought of letting go of the hand of a five year old in an airport is enough to make your heart stop!

2. Pick the redbox movies, DVR settings and shows to watch all on your own-all the time-know that death/dying/visits from the grave are very "en vogue" right now and will remind you that life is not fair 

1.  You don't have to share cuddle or movie time with your kiddo-but know that there is a big void where there once was three and now there are two. It is an icy elephant in the room that you and your kiddo both feel at times

 

Ok, maybe most of these things aren't so great---but hey, we all have to try and find the positive at times right? What I can tell you is that even though it is horribly unfair and lonely to walk this path alone, there are bright spots--you just have to focus on finding them and hold on to them for dear life.
- See more at: http://www.chicagolandwidowed.org/blog/top-ten-experiences-being-widowed-monday-june-23-2014#sthash.iaRo4v0v.dpuf

Conversations

Last night we were having one of our nightly conversations.  We were talking about the 10 Commandments as God's rules for our lives.   I paraphrased a few of them into things that Munchkin could understand and my translation of adultery was that "God says we can only be married to one person". 

Munchkin looked perplexed..."But mama, what if God wants you to get married again?" 

*SIGH*

My head filled with a million thoughts...
-what if I want to be married again?
-would I ever have anyone as special as Robert again?
-Why am I even having this conversation with a 6 year old?
-Why on earth do I even have to explain how people are technically married, but not really married when someone dies?

My head was spinning with the speed and depth of my thoughts.  

I took a breath and answered him as best as I know how. 
"If God puts someone in our lives then there are things that mommy could do in the church to get married again and it would be ok"

Thankfully, for the moment he was satisfied with that answer, because honestly, I am not sure that I am up to discussing a Catholic annulment with him!

He went to bed without further exploration of the topic.

I however, was still reeling.   I am sometimes silenced by the thoughtful questions that he has for me, and I remind myself that I am his first and best teacher and I answer him in ways that do my best to nurture his curiosity and make him feel safe and valued for his questions.  My hope is that when he is a teenager, I can still be his source of information instead of having him get answers from the media. 

I realize that as painful as his questions sometimes are, that his curiosity is normal.  

Perfect Moment Monday-June 2013-Bullseye!

Yes, I know it is no longer Monday...like many things these days, the best of intentions are derailed by playtime.   Here is the thing my six year old Munchkin WANTS to play with ME.  He always has, but at this age, I know this childhood bliss is limited and mom will soon be second fiddle to a whole bunch of things-so I will soak it in while I can!

So here is my perfect moment from the month. 

Munchkin is now a Cub Scout, which means that he was eligible to attend Cub Scout Camp.  He has been looking forward to it for an entire year, ever since his cousin who is a year older went last summer and has raved about how cool it was.  To a six year old that means the world. 

Let me tell you, it lived up to the childhood hype.  The camp was impeccably run.  The kids had a great time.   Now mind you,  my Munchkin was the youngest and smallest one there and also the only one to not have been exposed to a lot of the activities previously as the other first time kids had older brothers in the pack and have been before.  Like Archery for example.

Scouts run things in a manner in which you have to earn things (like arrowheads for bullseyes and bear claws for bullseyes on the bb gun range).  This means that starting out the week, Munchkin had BIG things at stake for a six year old.  When we started, he absolutely could not hit a target to save his life.  He was crushed when he came off that range empty handed.   It did not matter to him that less than 1/2 of our pack earned a prize, all that mattered was that he did not.  He was in tears.  My heart broke for him.  His cousin a year older told him that it would be ok, that by the end of the week he would be able to make a bullseye and get a prize. 

Those words coming from his cousin meant more to me than anything.   That another child would show such open compassion-that is nearly a perfect world.  There was not taunting, no name calling not any of that.  Simply his cousin's arm around his shoulder as he wiped his tears and the two of them walking towards my brother and I. 

And you know what, by the end of the week, he did in fact earn his prize and there was not a prouder kiddo or parent at that camp. 


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News or no news?

In our house, we have a pretty strict media/tv blackout.   The tv that he does watch is premeditated and time limited.   Cartoons, Animal Planet and History Channel are fair game.  I watch the news, usually in my bedroom at the start and end of the day.   I watch a great amount of mindless TV as well.  

But here is the thing, I really don't let him watch the news.  I never have.  However we do read the newspaper, and since he can read in the past few months we have been confronted with movie theater shootings and the tragedy at Sandy Hook.   The have been so many things that have happened in the news lately that I have used it as an opportunity to talk about the world around us.   

Yesterday I had a conversation with another parent.  We discussed what we let our kids watch on tv.  My take on network news is that it is sensationalized and tends to focus on the horrible things that happen in the world.   I know that there is evil.  I know that bad things happen.   I am just not sure that a six year old needs to see it.   I don't want him to see all of the bad things around us all the time without learning about some of the really great things that happen in our world. 

Then at a break at a work conference I caught that the verdict was in on the Jodi Arias trial.  People were cheering and acting like their sports team won a major series.   I kid you not.  I don't think it is great that someone is guilty of murder.  The judicial finding of guilt won't change the fact that a family lost a loved one to murder.  Nope, not one bit...it won't make them sleep better at night and for the most part, those that were cheering have probably never been touched by tragedy.  

I find the tv coverage laughable at best and disenchanting in the least.   I also found it ironic that this conversation had taken place this morning and I was instantly grateful that Munchkin won't be exposed to this three ring circus on the news for weeks to come.