Top Ten Experiences of Being Widowed

Six years ago, I could not see the light of day.  I could not fathom that I could accomplish anything by myself.  I depended on my family for a sounding board for EVERY little decision that had to be made.  Seriously, I was paralyzed in my grief and I put up with a lot from the world around me that I should not have. 

I have learned and grown over time, but honestly there are some things that still suck.  So being the positive person that I am-here are 10 things that I have learned in the last 6 years. (Yep, a little tongue in cheek here, but bear with me.)

 

10. You get to care for your house all yourself--in addition to a "girly" master bedroom that you don't have to compromise on, you also get all of the bills, repairs and manual labor that goes with a house

9. Eat whatever you want--just know that you are usually doing it alone

8. Parenting choices are not up for debate-piano lessons--done, not playing tackle football--done and done, however, know that you are on the sidelines by yourself amongst other traditional family units and it is isolating and suffocating all at once

7. No one steals the covers in the middle of the night--but there also isn't anyone else to check out the noises in the middle of the night, or change batteries on smoke alarms that go haywire, or shovel the snow "one last time" before bed.

6. Sleep in as late as you wish--as long as you are up before the kiddos and dog, because there is no one else to corral them into something more useful than making "squirrel soup" in the kitchen while you snooze (seriously, don't ask...it's far worse than it sounds, I promise!)

5. Schedule parent teacher conferences to accommodate only one schedule--although there isn't another person to help you remain sane while dealing with a bureaucratic system that is failing your child (and the majority of kids in that classroom) I strongly suggest calming techniques that don't look passive aggressive, don't cross your arms or clench your jaw...let me know if you find something useful!

4. Your brothers step up and do things with you and your kiddo--but then they get mistaken for your husband--AKWARD!

3. Vacation wherever you want-provided that you can afford it on one salary and it takes you to a place that feels "safe" for a woman and child by themselves, and that you can schlep all of the luggage that you need by yourself and still manage to keep a free hand to hold onto your small child because the thought of letting go of the hand of a five year old in an airport is enough to make your heart stop!

2. Pick the redbox movies, DVR settings and shows to watch all on your own-all the time-know that death/dying/visits from the grave are very "en vogue" right now and will remind you that life is not fair 

1.  You don't have to share cuddle or movie time with your kiddo-but know that there is a big void where there once was three and now there are two. It is an icy elephant in the room that you and your kiddo both feel at times

 

Ok, maybe most of these things aren't so great---but hey, we all have to try and find the positive at times right? What I can tell you is that even though it is horribly unfair and lonely to walk this path alone, there are bright spots--you just have to focus on finding them and hold on to them for dear life.
- See more at: http://www.chicagolandwidowed.org/blog/top-ten-experiences-being-widowed-monday-june-23-2014#sthash.iaRo4v0v.dpuf

Not Ready for School

I have a secret...I am really NOT ready for school to start. 

Not ready to send Munchkin on to first grade, not ready for homework.
Not ready to be making lunches everyday.
Not ready to meet a new teacher-for either of us!
Not ready to share my Munchkin again.

This summer has been pretty awesome.  Tons of time with family and at the pool and beach, but also tons of time just together.  Reading, exploring, playing.  We have had squirt gun fights, water balloon fights, endless games of tag. 

We have laughed A LOT!  He has gotten to enjoy a ton of camps and then come home and excitedly shared his day with me.  It has been magical. 

I am not ready for it to end at ALL!  I enjoy having him home with me and I enjoy our time. 

But in all honesty, what I am really not ready for is to explain us again.  Countless times.  I am not ready for a whole new set of people to have to ask where Robert is, then give me that pity look when I say he is dead.  I honestly don't know why the pity look bothers me. It is far better for a stranger to show emotion than to be indifferent.  I am not ready for a new teacher to ask Munchkin to draw a picture of his family and then call me up when it looks "weird".   Yes it is normal for us to have all his aunts and uncles, Nana and Papa in the picture....and yes the floating head in the clouds that he labels Daddy---well he has done that since he was 2.   His understanding of Heaven is that it is in the clouds-so there Daddy is drawn.  And I am not ready for the seasoned teacher to tell me that she has only ever had a handful of kids who have lost a parent to death.  Ever.  In her whole career. 

I am NOT READY for these conversations.  

But at the end of the day, I am the grown-up.  The only one in our house and since I sincerely want Munchkin to enjoy school, I will suck it up.  I will look to all of the new things he gets to do this year and I will get excited with him.  We will go shopping for school supplies and we will gather up all of the other things around the house.  We will do this with a smile on my face because I know the best thing I can do for him is show him excitement about school. 

I will pray every day for him as I send him off and I will trust God that things will be exactly as they are supposed to be because that is what I do. 

missing summer vacation....

Here we are 10 weeks before the start of summer vacation, and I struggle yet again to balance everything.   Daycare offers a program, very expensive and tons of video game time.  Not what I really want him doing for the summer. 

Other programs around town are less expensive, but don't necessarily have anyone on staff that knows what to do for an astham attack.  Can't even consider those.  Nope...his attacks are far too frequent. 

So I think back, what did we do as kids?  HMMM....well we spent it with mom at the beach while dad worked.  We went to the library with our grandfather while the younger kiddos napped.  We went to the beach everyday and ran around.   I don't believe we even had a TV at the lake house and it didn't matter.  We played wiffle ball, rollerskated, played bubbles, caught lightning bugs and hunted for snipes.  (they are a little brown bird that tastes like chicken, no really, go look it up!)

We did everything Robert and I imagined our child would get to do.  And would have done if he was still here...he was a teacher and even with everything he had to do, he still had a solid 6 weeks off and he would have had great adventures with Munchkin in those six weeks.   I still would have had to work, but munchkin would not have had to be in a day care or camp program. 

Man does that hurt me.   It hurts me to realize that even though I miss Robert everyday-that now Munchkin is at the age where he is missing out on things because Robert is dead.  It is to the point where I don't think that I am enough.  I do the best I can.  We play, we run we read, we have family time just the two of us and we enjoy each other.   We do crazy things like drive around in the snow with hot cocoa and look at Christmas lights, we go to the beach A LOT! (probably more than we should....it isn't our house after all...) But there are things that I cannot replicate on my own.  I can't be both at work and providing for us and home with him for the summer.  I couldn't take a vacation with him on spring break and be able to afford to pay what I need to for the summer.  

I have to be ok with the simple fact that I am doing the best that I can with what I have to do it with. 

My Perfect Moment Monday- The Wishbone

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Perfect Moment Monday is about noticing a perfect moment rather than creating one. Perfect moments can be momentous or ordinary or somewhere in between.
On the last Monday of each month we engage in mindfulness about something that is right with our world. Everyone is welcome to join.


http://www.blogher.com/frame.php?url=http://LavenderLuz.com

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Two weeks ago, I roasted a chicken.  I saved the wishbone and let it dry.   
Breaking the wishbone was one of my favorite childhood memories!!!  There were 5 of us so we often had to wait our turn.  

As I did the dishes, I noticed that it was sufficiently dried out to be able to break.  

I called Munchkin and asked him to come up to the kitchen.  He did and I explained that we were going to break the wishbone.  That we would kiss each other on the cheek and make our wish.  Whomever got the bigger piece in their hand would get their wish granted at some time. 

Now, if you have been reading for awhile, you know that I have to temper his expectations! 

He was so excited that he was jumping up and down.  "Mommy I know my wish, I know my wish!!!"

"Ready?"
"One, Two, Three!"

And we pulled.  The wishbone popped apart.   When we compared our pieces they were exactly the same size!!!  The wishbone had actually broken into three pieces!  Our pieces were the same and the top tip broke off and went flying!

We both broke into giggles and laughter.  I love seeing my boy smile and laugh.  His bright blue eyes open wide and his giggles are contagious. 
"Mommy, we both get our wish!!!!!!!!"

Oh buddy, please hold on to the magic of wishes for as long as you can!  My wish for you is to enjoy your childhood and keep your sense of wonder and amazement for as long as you can...you deserve it!

Love of Cooking...

Since I have been in our new house, I have realized how much I have missed and enjoyed cooking.  Literally, this weekend I have made: roast turkey, turkey soup, pumpkin bread, peanut butter cookies and I will probably make some muffins to freeze for breakfasts still tonight. 

While I am excited that I have an awesome kitchen to whip up yummy and fun stuff, it makes me remember the delineation of duties in our marriage.   He stayed out of my kitchen, and I stayed out of his garage.  Not that either of us were not capable of being in the spaces, just that they were clearly ours respectively.  There was many occasion that I worked late and came home to a great dinner and clean kitchen...he was multitalented like that.

There were things in our marriage that were "not my job" in a playful way.  I never had to worry about the condition of the cars, the maintenance of them, household repairs, changing things for seasons (pulling in hoses, putting away yard stuff)  He never had to worry about baking fresh bread, cleaning the bathrooms, or dusting the baseboards.  I took pride in our house and so did he.  We were a team and together we had everything covered. 

I realized just how much I have avoided doing things like cooking while we lived in an apartment.  I honestly had no space to do it.  TRUST ME! Not only did I not have space, I am not sure that I was really ready for the flood of reminders that it has brought.

I love to cook, I love to bake.  I like to create things and make stuff.  I enjoy teaching munchkin how to measure and cook and I am hoping that when he is old enough to be married he will know his way around enough to be able to cook and clean up a meal and his wife will be grateful.  But I also want munchkin to be able to do the "other stuff" around a house, simple repairs, cleaning gutters, figuring things out.  You know the things that Robert would be doing and teaching him if he were here.   For now, I will have to have faith that my brothers will be able to teach him the "other things" he needs to know.  

Now I know that I have proven to myself that I can handle things and in the grand big picture I am sure that I do just fine...however, sometimes it is just the little things that settle that ache right back into your heart. 

Bobby's World

So after moving to our new house, we had a change of TV.  I decided to go with comcast instead of directTv for a myriad of reasons. 

In this, munchkin now has access to the free on demand shows when he is allowed to watch TV.  He has started watching Bobby's World.  He thinks it is hilarious.

For those not in the know...the show is about a mischevious five year old named Bobby and all of his adventures on his big wheel with his crazy family.   I believe it is from the 80's era-I mean a very young Howie Mandel is the host of the show!

Robert, of Bobby as he was called before the age that he decided he no longer wanted to be called that LOVED that show.  He used to tell me of his antics on his big wheel and go cart when he was growing up.  How he used to wear out his shoes instead of using the brakes because he couldn't really "drift" if he used the brakes.  How he used to use the bushes in the backyard to stop his go cart.   He used to tell me that he hoped he had a child that would enjoy the same show and the same antics as him when he was younger. 

It is such a mixed bag of emotion for me that munchkin has found this and likes it so much and is literally doing what his daddy wished to do with him.  He is a high energy happy little boy who loves playing "tricks" on people and just generally engaging in boy mischeif and humor.  It makes my heart swell to see him have so much fun.   But at night, when all is quiet and still, my heart knows how much Robert would have loved to be here with us, my heart aches in doing the parenting that we both longed to do for so many years.  My heart hurts over the fact that the love of my life, is not by my side to enjoy the tastes of our feisty five year old. 

In the light of day, I put a smile on my face and enjoy every minute of his antics complete with giggles and silliness and sloppy hands and kisses.  I know that time is short and soon these days will be replaced with the antics of a teenager!

Simple Pleasures

Tonight as I tucked munchkin into bed, he announced that he was reading to me.  I laid down next to him and listened.   He is getting so big and so confident in his reading.  I am so proud of how hard he works at reading. 

This is bittersweet...we have been reading together everyday since he was born.  When Robert was here we read as a family.  I knew from my childhood, the best way to give him the gift of reading enjoyment was to read to him.   I have such fond memories of reading with my parents and grandparents.  I really wanted to give him the same.  So it began, on the first night home from the hospital, as we basked in the glow of new parenthood, we began our routine of reading to him. 

Today however, I realize that an imperceptible yet earth moving shift is taking place.  I am slowly but surely being sidelined.  He no longer needs help bathing or getting dressed-barely needs help with games or legos and now chooses to read to me.  I hugged him extra tight because I know that my baby boy is growing up-as he should.  Life moves on.  Often at breakneck speed.  Unless we stop for a moment to glance around, we miss it.

I am sure that all parents feel this duality-pride in how far their kids have come and a slight twinge at the realization that there is no going back to the time when our kids fully depended on us. 

I guess this is the point where families generally decide whether to start working on a sibling...unless of course that decision has been made for you. 

Grateful for Today...and for my brothers

Today was a great day.  About a month ago Munchkin went to the hardware store with one of his uncles.  This uncle started a tool collection with him and buys him a tool when they go together.  Well, the last time they were there, it was discovered that today was they day you could go and make a bird house for free using REAL tools! 

That was it, munchkin decided that he HAD to do it, and his uncle HAD to do it with him.  Uncle of course had agreed to take him and the date was set.  Munchkin had been counting down the days to today, even got up at midnight and tried to convince me to call Uncle and see if they could go NOW!

Well, Munchkin had a great day, using tools with his uncle, then they went to see a movie and we met up for lunch. 

I am so grateful that munchkin has uncles like this in his life.  He has people to step in and do things with him one on one.  They step up and they are willing to do it. 

One of his other uncles watches him every Monday night so that I can go to band.  They play together and generally watch whatever sport is in season. In fact, munchkin asked the other night when I was going back to band so that he and his uncle can have "man night" again.   This uncle also has agreed to take him to the father/son sport night coming up at our school. 

Yet another uncle includes munchkin in on things he does with his own son.  He is the cubmaster of the scout troop his son is in and will welcome Munchkin into the pack when he turns 6 in a few months.  This means that when the dads do the things with the Pack, munchkin will not be left out, or be the only one with a mom there--and I can feel at ease that my brother will care for him as his own. 

While no one can replace Robert in our lives, I must say that we are VERY VERY blessed to have such a great family! 

My Naked Finger

This morning driving to work, I was acutely aware that my wedding ring was not on my finger.  Every once in a while, I feel the absence of my ring.  It still can take my breath away. 

Mind you, my ring and his have been in my jewelry box since fall of 2008.  He died in March of that same year. 

I had been wearing both of our rings on my hand since two weeks after the accident.  For those who know me, that was no small feat.  

At the scene of the accident, I asked the officer for his wedding ring.  He went to his body and then came back to me and told me that it was not on him.  I began sobbing again.  The paramedic who had been assigned to stay by me went over to the cars and started looking.  I didn't think that I would ever see it again.   It was heartbreaking to me.  Fast forward a few days.  After the funeral, when the funeral home brought me his personal effects, his "ring" was there.  At that moment in time, it looked like a twist tie, all knotted and mangled.  I stood in my living room held it in my hand leaned onto my father and cried.  I cried, and sobbed.  That mangled ring, was proof of how badly he was mangled in the accident.  Thing about that, what had to have happened to his beautiful hand and arm to MANGLE his ring like that.  I cried at the realization that my precious husband was literally shorn to pieces in the accident.  I cried at the realization that he would never wear his ring again.  My father took it out of my hand and put it into the baggie it came to me in and put it in his pocket.  When he went home a few days later, he went to the jeweler that he has always gone to and had his ring "remade" for me into my size, complete with the etching. 

My mom flew back and gave it to me on our Wedding Anniversay a week later.  I cried again.  I put it on my hand and there it stayed. 

It stayed until later that year.  I was at work and I reached down into a drawer and both rings slid off of my hand.  His rolled away from me and my heart stopped.  At that point, I knew it was time to take them off and put them away.  So I did.  It took me a long time to stop feeling my ring on my hand.  For a long, long time, every time I moved my fingers or looked at my hand I felt the emptiness and absence of our rings.  I tried wearing other rings, but it just didn't work for me. 

Over time, the vacancy left on my finger gradually faded.  It became less over time-I almost don't notice it unless I think about it, or catch a glimpse of someone else's ring.  Then I notice that I no longer have mine on.  I feel his absence and at times, I feel like my lack of a ring sets me apart.

Other times, like today and often for no reason at all, I feel the absence of the ring.  Sometimes, it just feels like it should still be on my hand-in that same breath, I feel like I should leave them put away.  I think that the pain in wearing the rings again would make me notice his absence even more than I already do.  So the rings sit in my jewelry box and I take a deep breath and wait for the void on my hand to pass. 

Putting Away Christmas..

Yesterday I put away our Christmas decorations.  Many of them were up for the first time since Christmas 2007. 

Robert and I had a few traditions.  First we bought a new ornament every year, we actually bought two most years, he was fond of the glass balls from Hallmark--I have a much more whimsical taste. 
We also made or purchased a piece to our village. 

Our only Christmas as a family of three was 2007.  Munchkin was 7 months old.  It was perfect.  Many of my decorations have not seen the light of day since that season. 

As I was moving into our new house, my mom and dad set up my tree with munchkin and his cousins.  They didn't know that I had not been putting all of the decorations up.  I noticed it, but let it go.   They stayed up all season.  I put them away yesterday. 

As I was packing things away into their boxes...yes...I am one of THOSE people, you know the ones who keep the original ornament boxes to re-use year after year.  I noticed something.  That I had kept up our traditions without really thinking much about it.  

You see, for the past five years, I have let munchkin pick out the ornaments.  I can see his tastes emerge and evolve.  This year it was Frosty the snowman, last year, Alvin, 2010 it was Mickey Mouse, 2009 it was Cars.  In 2008, I picked our ornament, it was a seashell with a pearl in it, it was pretty.  This year munchkin asked for two ornaments.  

The second one that he picked was a blue ball, it had a picture of Bethlehem and the north star.  I thought when he picked it, that Robert would have really liked it.   As I packed it away, I noticed, that along the bottom there were words.  It is the words to Silent Night.  That was Robert's all time favorite Christmas Carol!!! 

I guess after all this time and all of the tears, I can still find glimpses of him here and now, for the most part it makes me smile. 

The other thing that has become apparent, is that Munchkin loves Christmas!  He loves the story of the birth of Jesus, he loves Santa and he loves St Nicholas.  So much so, that as I was packing up, he pilfered my small musical Christmas Tree without me noticing.  When I put him to bed, I saw it on his bookshelf in his room.   I asked him how it got there. 

He replied "I put it there mommy, I want to have a little Christmas in my room all the time".  Little does he know, that is something his father would have done.  I put a smile on my face and tucked him in!

Blue Bins and Memories

So now Munchkin seems to be on the road back to healthy, the past week or so has really been about settling in.  Unpacking, sorting and arranging more stuff in the house. 

Honestly so much has been in storage since 2008, it is hard to know where to start.   I have found a bunch of stuff that I thought was lost.  It has been odd.  Still coming across his handwriting iin unexpected boxes.   Finding stuff and wondering what possesed me to actually pack it???

The BLUE BINS are almost gone!  Granted, some stuff has been repacked into green bins, but such is life right?  The blue bins were a reminder to me...they came from Texas and they have dutifully housed our tangible posessions all this time.  They reminded me of the horrid week of packing away our life, deciding what was important when in my heart, I knew that there was nothing in the house that was more important than HIM and that the simple fact that he would never come home again made everything else painful for me.  So painful, that I don't think that I functioned in any logical way for a very very long time. 

I think that the bins with the music were the most painful for me.  He was a music teacher, a musician and composer.  There are not words that can impart the meaning that music had in our lives.  We used to joke...I could play anything on paper, he could play anything on paper, but usually chose to embellish it somewhat!  Well, I sorted through music today.  All this time, I thought all the music was his, and honeslty, there is a HUGE amoung that is mine!  It is now sorted...Teaching stuff in one bin in the back of the closet.  My choral stuff close to that.  Elementary piano pulled up for munchkin to mess around with.  My band stuff front and center.  The piano is decorated nicely.  I have some pictures that I picked up to hang on the wall. 


It felt good to accomplish something that I had set aside for so long.  For nearly 5 years, I have avoided the music bins.  Well, today they are tackled.   I unearthed tons of memories, but thus far no tears.   This is huge for me.   For years, I could not even look at the blue bins, let alone open them without bursting into tears. 

My heart still aches for him and I still miss him, I always will, but for today, I am more focused on unpacking our house and moving into the future with Munchkin.  He deserves no less than my full love and attention.     

Happy New Year! Reflections on 2012

I am sitting here at about 10:30 local time.   Munchkin is long asleep-we celebrated early complete with pizza, video games, movie, grape juice toast and confetti poppers in our yard. 

I have been reflecting a lot on this past year.There has been so much that has happened in the world.  So much tragedy, so much heartache and yet, there were good things as well.   I think that is true of most years, but I always have liked to reflect on the world around me.


  The year started off very rough for us, but in all it was a very good year.  I can see immense growth in the both of us individually and as a family.   I would love to share some of our highlights:

~ Our new house-WHAT a blessing and miracle!!!

~ Munchkin starting kindergarten at the same grade school I went to and having the PERFECT teacher for us!

~Munchkin got to enjoy the Olympics on TV with me and man did we have fun watching and learning!!! 

~While  I am not a fan of the political rhetoric that preceeds elections, I did get to take munchkin to vote with me and explain in simple terms why it is so important for grown ups to vote.  I am hoping that I can instill this sense of duty into him.   I even explained who I was voting for and why-hopefully he will remember the process of being educated on candidates regardless of whom you choose to vote for!

~Many, many family gatherings this year, including some great times with cousins on the beach.  Enjoying sunsets hand in hand with munchkin is such a treat! And on that note, I got to close the cottage with my dad...got an entire day of him to myself-don't think that has happened in close to 20 years and it was wonderful!

~ Band was phenomenal for me this year, I actually missed less than 10 rehearsals in the second half of the year---this is a new record :0

~ My writing--this blog and a few others that I guest post on have been a huge blessing to me.  I do write daily, and I still struggle with what to type here as opposed to keeping private in my journals so hopefully I can find a little better balance this coming year. 

~ My immediate family...my siblings and parents have had a great year as well.  We have had many many opportunities to be together and I am grateful for that!

~Taking munchkin to his first Notre Dame Game!  GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IRISH!

~Munchkin has advanced THREE TaeKwonDo belts and medaled in TWO Tournaments!  I am so grateful for all of his teachers and that he likes to work hard!

~Taking munchkin downtown to enjoy the Christmas decorations and enjoy lunch with his Papa.  It was so much fun to share with him a memory that I treasure from childhood! We used to always go downtown and meet dad for lunch. 

In all, 2012 was a good year.  I can remember back to December 31, 2008 where my simple plea to God was, "Dear God, please, please let 2008 be the worst year of my life-EVER"  In my mind, I did not think that I could endure let alone thrive.  Thus far, it seems as that prayer has been answered!  I am THANKFUL for that each and every day. 

Families

So this quarter, munchkin has been studying families in school.  They take care in class to recognize that families are different.   I appreciate that-however, I am wondering why on earth they are spending so much time on this topic?

This process has been hard for me...I have taken care to not label us as "different".  I have taken great care to keep us as "normal" as possible.  I answer his questions when he asks them...which up until now, has been sporadic at best. 

Lately, it has been a near daily topic. 

Mommy, I want daddy back.
Munchkin, people can't come back from Heaven
Mommy, but everyone else has a daddy in class, can you go get me a new daddy?
Munchkin, it doesn't work that way. 
Mommy, can you just go back and marry daddy again?
Munchkin, I can't marry daddy again as much as I would like to, he is in Heaven and no matter how much we love and miss him he can't come back.
Mommy, it isn't fair that daddy is an angel.
Munchkin, you are right, it isn't fair, but it will be ok.

uhhh...not sure which is more unsettling as an adult.   The fact that his little heart and brain want Robert back from the dead, or that he thinks a "new daddy"  would make it better.   While my brain knows that he is simply trying to fit us "in" to the mold of his classmates, it doesn't really help. 

What strikes me is that I have to have this conversation with a FIVE YEAR OLD!  When I was five, I recall playing in our play room with my brother, making cookies with my mom and playing in the yard with dad.   I remember preschool and kindergarten--well I mostly remember the cardboard bricks.   I don't remember having any deep conversations with my parents.  We had people in our family die, but not in our immediate family.   I remember being carefree.  

What cuts to the core of my heart, is that my son has an understanding of loss.  He has experienced pain that many people go decades without even considering.  Even if he doen't express it as pain per se, he is learning as he grows how unique we are.

Maybe in my attempt to make him feel like we are normal I have done him a disservice.  Perhaps I am pretending to be normal, to be whole.  Maybe what I should do is embrace our "un-normal" situation.   Really, it is not normal to watch your spouse die in front of you.   It is not a choice that I would expect anyone to make. 

For him it isn't normal for a parent to be widowed.   He has some classmates that have divorced parents--but the kids still have TWO parents on EARTH.  They get to hang out with their dads even if they live with their moms.  He is the only kid in his class that has an angel for a parent and while I realize that it makes us special, for now, in this unit when studying with his peers, it makes him different.  Somehow, it is my job to make different ok. 

Perspective....

Three times this week I had to put air in two of my tires.   I blamed it on the temperature changes.  An annoyance really, but a fact of life for season changes.   I inspected the tires each time and the looked ok.  

Yesterday, I got in my car to go and run some errands with munchkin.  The car was driving funny....felt like I had a flat even though I didn't.   At this point, I figured that maybe I was a moron and wasn't actually putting the right amount of air in my tires.   I remembered my brother telling me that Discount Tire puts air in tires for free.   I headed that way and wend inside.  After waiting in line, I started with telling the guy that he was not allowed to laugh at me-but I needed air in my tires.  He didn't laugh and directed me to where they put in air. 

As I went over there, the guy who was putting air in tires pointed out to me that I had FOUR nails in one of the tire, and two in the other.   Everytime I had put air in the tires, the part that had the nails had apparantly been on the ground so I could not see the cause. 

So, I went back in line, and I got new tires.   I could be really, really annoyed that I had to spend several hundred dollars that I did not plan on spending, or I could be relieved.  

Relieved that I did not experience a blow out in morning rush hour traffic going 55 miles  an hour in bumper to bumper traffic.  Where even if I had controlled the blowout, that other drivers could have reacted, or over-reacted causing someone to get hurt.   I am very grateful that did not happen, becuase it could easily happen. 

So the few hundred dollars for new tires is a very small price to pay for safety. 

Football in Texas

Early this summer one of my aunts and I had a fantastic and inspiring conversation at 2 am. The cliff notes version revolved around reframing my perception. I was griping about traveling so much for work and having no time to myself when I do travel. She shared some of her tips for finding some time and some of the amazing things that she has done in her travels. Since then I have tried moderately successfully to include more me time while I am out of town. Luckily my nights out of town have decreased--because really I would rather be home with munchkin!!!

I digress...I am at a conference. On Friday one of my friends called and asked if I wanted to go to the Monday Night Cowboys game...well yes, I would love to go to the Bears game :).

So step one...I said yes...I then spent the next three days stressing. This is the first football I have been to since Robert died and it was an emotional ramp up. I toyed with bringing a jersey, however it would have been Robert's. In the end, I decided on a Bears t-shirt that was his, but I had commandeered long before the funeral.

When I walked up on the stadium it hit me...eyes misted over...it was a beautiful night. He loved Texas...I tolerated it. Until October when I started bitching that I missed seasons and snow...I'm a Chicago girl at heart. But he was made for Texas. He loved living here, he loved everything about Texas. It hit me that had he been alive we would have been at the game together.

As we were winding our way around the stadium admiring it...the Bears fans literally outnumbered the Cowboys fans. I was still misty eyed and texted my brother that I missed Robert knowing he would be missing him too. He said that "maybe we can get a win in his memory". Just then a whole bunch of Bears fans came by chanting the Bears song.

At that moment, I chose to have fun and enjoy the game. I really do like football and here I was with a tremendous opportunity to enjoy a game with some really great friends.

The game was fantastic. The Bears played really well...even the Cowboys seemed to play for the Bears :). We won and it was exhilarating.

I realize how blessed I am to have such great friends and a truly incredible family. I'm lucky to be able to work and still have family that steps up and help me care for munchkin. I'm lucky to have friends who know me well enough and care enough to include me.