Library and Legos

Our library does a pretty large summer program.   Each kid gets to read and complete their reading log.   Once they do the main part where everyone gets prizes (children's museum tickets, Midevil times tickets, toys, games, books) they can enter for the bonus prizes.  

This year, one of the prizes was a HUGE lego castle.  The ones that cost WAY too much at the store to even consider buying.   He saw it and he HAD to have it.   Last year, we had a major disappointment when he didn't win a raffle prize, so I again explained to him, that he was going to enter to have a chance to win.  

He decided that every bonus ticket that he earned would go into the drawing for this one prize.   We went to the library at least three times a week and he went at least once more with the baby sitter.   He was laser focused on earning bonus tickets and getting this castle. 

Last Saturday we were out to lunch with my Dad and Brother and the library called.  Munchkin won the CASTLE!  He  literally started cheering. 

He then explained to us, that "statistically the odds were in his favor since he earned 52 tickets with all of his library trips and put them all in the same box"

I literally about fell off of my chair laughing. 

Today he got to pick it up, and he got his photo taken for the newspaper.   He was so excited about the picture that he got up early and did his hair himself.   When we got there and he got the prize, it was nearly as big as him.  He could barely hold the box for the picture, but he did and he had the biggest grin on his face.  It was priceless. 

I cannot express how proud I am of all of the hard work that he has done in reading this summer.   He has read so much and I hope that he can continue to keep on reading and loving it as much as I do!!! 

Taking a Pass

As Munchkin's only parent, there is not much I get to take a pass at.   I'm the one who makes him eat his veggies, puts him in time out, stays up with him when he is sick, does homework with him.   I'm the one who talks to him when his feelings get hurt or when things don't go his way.   I am his only protector.  

Th entirety of the life of a single parent is too much for most people to fathom.  Being the only grown up in a house is beyond exhausting.   But I live it every day.   I rarely, very rarely take a pass at anything.   There have been occasions where my sister or mom has pushed me out the door while they babysat with clear instruction to go have fun.   That is about the extent of it.   

I do have a line in the sand.  When he had a spider bite and needed wound packing, I held him, mom did it.   We all cried.... 

When he pulled the skin glue off the gash in his forehead....I couldn't bear to mess with the cut....we went back to the pediatrician and he did it.   I took a pass on those, not because they are gross but because I can't bear to see Munchkin hurt, and having me cause any of the hurt is inconceivable. 

He has had some warts on the bottom of his foot.  I have been treating them with the OTC crap for weeks to no avail.   Today we had a dr appointment for his asthma and I called and asked if we could kill two birds with one stone (copay).   The dr did his thing, froze and removed them.   Then I showed him where he had one by the nail that had fallen off but still looked funny.   He said that I just needed to pull the last piece out.   I laughed and responded, "go ahead".  Literally those were the words that came out of my mouth.   Sometimes I'm so flippant I shock myself.   But, that's my line.   In pulling that last little bit out, it was going to hurt munchkin and I was not about to do that.   The doctor looked at me, chuckled and did it. He remembered our last conversation about this.   

 I am Munchkin's mom.   It is just us.  I have a line.   I have pulled out splinters, applied bactine and peroxide to scrapes, I have even pulled out ticks and stingers.   I will do what I have to do, but given the choice, I will let the doctor hurt him for a second and I will hug him and let him squeeze my hand.   

So today I had the rare occasion to take a pass and I did.   

Sometimes the tears still sting

I heard a song tonight that I haven't heard in a long time.   It belongs in another chapter of my life,   At first I didn't recognize the actual song, I did however recognize the memory.   I was transported back to my living room back in Texas.   Robert and I used to dance and sing for no reason and for no occasion other than we were in love.  We had fun.  We were silly, we were goofy and we were in love.  We were so in love, there really aren't words to quantify the emotions. 

"Tell you a story, happened long time ago..." 

"Little bitty pretty one, I've been watching you grow!"

 

For a split second I closed my eyes and I could feel him.  Feel his cheek on mine, his hand on the small of my back and his other hand entwined in mine.  I could feel his breath on my neck as we sang together.   I could feel the vibration of the music and see the puppies dancing around our feet.   For a brief instant the memory was so vivid it was almost tangible.  I could smell him, hear his laugh.  I could feel him.  Then I opened my eyes and it was gone.   In a split second I snapped back to reality.   The world is now without Robert. 

So here I sit tonight remembering, listening to some of our songs.   The songs that were so integral to our marriage, to our life.   Songs that will forever be associated with US.
 

I sit here alone and the tears are barely held back.  Just barely.  They are hot stinging tears...every so often, one slips silently down my cheek and when Robert isn't here to wipe it away, it hits again and again that he is gone.  He is not here to hold me, to put his hand at the base of my neck and use his thumb to wipe my tears.  He isn't here to tell me he loves me.     I miss the comfort of his love and protection.   I miss the fun  we used to have.   

All I have is my memories, so I will sit with those awhile and know that tomorrow is a new day, and perhaps tomorrow's memory will bring a smile instead of a tear.  

Not Ready for School

I have a secret...I am really NOT ready for school to start. 

Not ready to send Munchkin on to first grade, not ready for homework.
Not ready to be making lunches everyday.
Not ready to meet a new teacher-for either of us!
Not ready to share my Munchkin again.

This summer has been pretty awesome.  Tons of time with family and at the pool and beach, but also tons of time just together.  Reading, exploring, playing.  We have had squirt gun fights, water balloon fights, endless games of tag. 

We have laughed A LOT!  He has gotten to enjoy a ton of camps and then come home and excitedly shared his day with me.  It has been magical. 

I am not ready for it to end at ALL!  I enjoy having him home with me and I enjoy our time. 

But in all honesty, what I am really not ready for is to explain us again.  Countless times.  I am not ready for a whole new set of people to have to ask where Robert is, then give me that pity look when I say he is dead.  I honestly don't know why the pity look bothers me. It is far better for a stranger to show emotion than to be indifferent.  I am not ready for a new teacher to ask Munchkin to draw a picture of his family and then call me up when it looks "weird".   Yes it is normal for us to have all his aunts and uncles, Nana and Papa in the picture....and yes the floating head in the clouds that he labels Daddy---well he has done that since he was 2.   His understanding of Heaven is that it is in the clouds-so there Daddy is drawn.  And I am not ready for the seasoned teacher to tell me that she has only ever had a handful of kids who have lost a parent to death.  Ever.  In her whole career. 

I am NOT READY for these conversations.  

But at the end of the day, I am the grown-up.  The only one in our house and since I sincerely want Munchkin to enjoy school, I will suck it up.  I will look to all of the new things he gets to do this year and I will get excited with him.  We will go shopping for school supplies and we will gather up all of the other things around the house.  We will do this with a smile on my face because I know the best thing I can do for him is show him excitement about school. 

I will pray every day for him as I send him off and I will trust God that things will be exactly as they are supposed to be because that is what I do. 

Scott Simon's Journey Shared

This week something happened.  A man was sitting in ICU keeping his mother company as she died.  This happens every day around the world, but what was different this time was that the person was Scott Simon and since he is a journalist, he tweeted his story and people listened. (see his tweets here:  https://twitter.com/@nprscottsimon)  When I say people listened, I mean they LISTENED.  1.2 million twitter followers listened to him.  

Today, in the media, we have a discussion about death.  People are talking about how death and dying is something that is now out of the public eye and pretty much ignored.  It's true.  People don't talk about it.  Death happens.  The fact that we are talking is fantastic and quite frankly about time.   Two generations ago, people died at home.  They died in their communities and their communities took care of them.  The churches and schools, they KNEW when someone died and they reached out in comfort afterwards.  Today, our tolerance for the messy parts of life is as short as the news cycle.    My thoughts were exactly that it is about time we start talking about this and then we need to talk about what happens AFTER someone dies. 

For every person that dies, there are, husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, siblings, extended family and friends that are left behind.   When that person takes their last breath, the world for those of us left here changes FOREVER.  For some who did not know the person well, life moves on pretty quickly, and they stop talking about the person and they may even forget them.  They wonder why the wife or mother of their friend is still crying weeks or months or years later.  

For those closest to them, it is a CATASTROPHIC and SEISMIC shift in their lives.  Many of us live that every day.   In saying this, I do not mean that life is bad (although sometimes it is) I am saying that life is different.  That we go through everyday changed by love and loss.  Our grief permeates our lives and becomes a part of who we are.  We are the women who watched our husbands die.  We are the only parents.  We are the ones left behind. 

There are plenty of people out there that use twitter, Facebook and other communities to connect to others in their grief.  The fact that national media is entertaining a discussion on grief and grieving is due to the fact that Mr. Simon reached out and connected.  He is one of us. We connect after everyone has gone home, and after the rest of the world moves on. 

It has been five years since the car accident.   I still love Robert-I suspect that I always will.  I still miss him.  But my life is good.   I do good, I am good.   In that good, there is grief.  The cold grip that chokes me every so often and reminds me of what I lost and what happened.  It reminds me at the most inopportune times that bad things DO HAPPEN to GOOD people. 

I sincerely hope that we as a nation and as a world can start to talk about not only death and dying, but the aftermath.  The strength that people discover in themselves.  Maybe in talking, we will bring conversation back to people and connect again in person and learn that in fact, even though we go through tragedy, we do in fact go on to have a good life.  In the middle, the messy depths of grief, we need to know that feeling is temporary and perhaps Mr. Simon will continue to talk and to share. 

The Grumpy Lady...

Walking through the mall and Munchkin needs to go potty.  Here is the thing...he is big enough to be independent, however not big enough to go into the mens room by himself.  Not even close.

Last week, a woman actually had the GALL to tell me that my six year old was too old to be using a women's restroom.  Let's me clear.  He was washing his hands.  He had to go...he was not running around peeking under stalls or doing anything that should garner any looks or comments.   He is a little boy who can BARLEY reach the faucet and generally can't reach the paper towels. 

I was flabbergasted.  I stood there for just a moment silent and then I said "I am so sorry that you feel that way.  Have a good day!"  I smiled at her.   She looked shocked and then shot me another dirty look. 

For a split second I was feeling bad.   I felt like I was the one in the wrong.  Then I went and posted the encounter on Facebook and within minutes I was inundated by people commenting that she was way out of line! Whew.  I was relieved.

See as this was happening, I choose to "kill her with kindness" because I didn't want Munchkin to feel like he was in the wrong or out of line in any way.  I did not want to let this strange lady have ANY ounce of control over our day or our life.  When Nate asked me why she was so grouchy, I replied that sometimes people can just be mean when they are having a bad day.  He looked at me funny and told me that it wasn't nice of her to be mean and maybe she should make a better choice.  

Yes my dear, she did need to make a better choice, because our choice is just fine for us!

Diving and Decisions

Munchkin has NEVER and I mean NEVER had a fear of water.  This means that when he was 15 months old and I was widowed just a few months and took him to the beach with my mom and dad...instead of sitting still and putting sand EVERYWHERE like every other baby on the face of the earth...he would run full tilt to the water, which meant that I spent all my time running on the beach that summer.  I taught him how to float and how to kick and how to get his face out of the water. 

That winter, I put him in swim lessons.   By the end, he was able to actually swim.   He was not even 2.  My goal was for him to know how to move in water...I really didn't care what his stroke looked like, just that he knew what to do.

Fast forward to this summer.   He decided that he wants to invent his OWN swimming.  Which would be fine if it was actually swimming and keeping his head above water.  His "invented" swimming looks much more like an octopus drowning than anything else.  More than once I have had to reach down and pull him up because he has scared the pants off of me.   He replies that he can DO.IT.MYSELF!  AHH...the independence. 

So, even though in the past he has been a strong swimmer.  Even though he has gone off of diving boards for the two previous summers.  I put my foot down.  I told him until he showed me he could swim across the lap pool without touching the bottom that he couldn't go off the diving board.   I really could care less about his "form" what I want to see is that he has the skill to keep himself moving and afloat. 

It is mid July.   We have been having this battle of the wills since Memorial Day.   Every time we go to the pool.  I mean EVERY TIME.

Him: Mom, can I go off the diving board.
Me: Have you decided to try swimming across dolphin cove?
Him: Nope.  I don't want to.
Me: ok, that is your choice, but no diving board until you decide to do it.
Him: That's not fair
Me: I didn't say it was fair, I said it was the rule

Last weekend we went to the pool with my brother and his kids.  They just finished swim lessons and my nephew actually listened to the instructor.  He is a pretty good swimmer and can get from point A to point B without much trouble.   The boys decided to have a race.   His cousin kicked his butt because, you know he was actually swimming instead of flailing his arms and legs and sinking. 

Munchkin was FURIOUS.  He is not accustomed to losing at things.   His attitude did earn him a time out and it was another opportunity to talk about being a gracious loser. Yeah, he isn't very good at that.  I explained to him that if he used his real swimming when he was racing it would probably work better and that maybe his invented swimming was better for the splash pool.  Yep that didn't go over well either.  See he wants things to be his way.  He wants them to work exactly the way he envisions them in his head.  I didn't mention it again, and we enjoyed the rest of the time at the pool. 

Fast forward to last night.   He asked if he could show me his swimming across the pool.  He put his mind to it and swam the entire length of the lap pool in one try.  STINKER! That then earned him a solid hour of going off the diving boards and swimming to the other side.  We agreed that only "real swimming" was allowed in the dive pool. 

Sometimes all we need to be successful is to DECIDE to do what needs to be done.   Hopefully this is a lesson that he will remember!