Right after Robert died, I lost a lot of our common friends. I know this isn't something that I only went through, but seems to be a common thing with people who have gone through loss. I mourned Robert and then I mourned the loss of people who were staples in our lives for years. Some of these people who disappeared, I know that the did it for their own self preservation...I am a reminder that bad things happen. At the time, I didn't get that. I do now, although for me it was hard fought understanding.
Don't get me wrong, not everyone left. Some came from the shadows and took bigger roles and my Best Friend and her entire family filled along with my entire family filled out our needs. I have written many times on how grateful I am for my family. This is something different. Something more subtle, that I didn't quite notice at first.
Time has given me perspective that I did not see right away. In my effort to get up everyday and function and rebuild a life for myself and preserve and defend childhood for Munchkin, people have come in droves. Many were curious--how did he die? how did you live? I learned to deal with those people with a silent grace. I politely answered questions and moved on. At first it seemed like I did a lot of that. Answer and move forward. After time, I realized I didn't have to answer.
There are new people. People that I didn't know, many who never knew Robert.
They have carefully planted themselves in our lives and are sticking around. The ones who call or text just to say hi. The ones who are really getting to know us. Some of them have kids around Munchkin's age, other's don't.
Some began as Robert's friends and have found their way into my inner circle. They help me keep his memory alive and talk about him often. Some of them even share stores with Munchkin. Those that knew me before and after---they are special. But this isn't really about them.
This is about the unexpected friends---the ones that have made themselves more like family, and when they say you can count on them--they mean it.
Our Taekwondo family is amazing....so many of the parents and instructors---I cannot even begin to describe my gratitude for everything that they have given us. From providing fantastic non-family male role models, to teaching Munchkin qualities of character. They are there---they are there when he or I am sick and if we need anything, there are many of them that are a text away.
One of these Taekwondo instructors has become one of my closest friends. She is there to laugh, cry, hang out or whatever. With or without kids. She steps up and listens and she is just an amazing woman. She loves my Munchkin as one of her own and we get along very well...it is hard to imagine that I have only known her a few years--our friendship is natural and easy and I am grateful.
There is another woman---one who over time has shown that we have very similar values and attitudes toward a lot of things. She is sweet, kind and funny and I could not love her three boys more. Our son's get along well and she is just such a positive calming influence. I treasure her friendship.
There are so many more...but the common theme here is that I would not have connected with these people if my life hadn't taken such a drastic turn. Time has given me the ability to find *my friends* instead of our friends.
So for those friends both old and new--thank you for being a part of our life.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Memories and Maps
This weekend my cousin and his family posted that they were at a restaurant. The map showed up in my Facebook feed and it stopped me in my tracks. They were a few miles from the accident site.
After all these years, seeing the coordinates on the map still caused my heart to stop. All I could think of was how close their beautiful family was to the site that shattered my family. It was a Sunday midmorning. They were out as a family. I knew in the rational part of my brain that the similarities ended there--but my mind played the "WHAT IF" game. And as if that wasn't torture enough for me, I started having flashbacks of the accident.
I texted them to have safe travels home--I am sure that they probably knew why--all of my family knows where the accident happened.
I spent the rest of the day telling myself that everything would be fine for them. I knew that lightening doesn't strike twice in the same place so to speak. In all honesty, I think it was just seeing the street name after all these years. It isn't like I have forgotten-but sometimes the reminders just reach up and grab me.
The accident played through my mind for the better part of the day. It took all of my concentration to focus on today, on the here and now. I did but this time it was harder and I am not quite sure why. I know that it is ok and I know that there are some things will always be hard--perhaps I should just learn to expect the hard every once in a while.
After all these years, seeing the coordinates on the map still caused my heart to stop. All I could think of was how close their beautiful family was to the site that shattered my family. It was a Sunday midmorning. They were out as a family. I knew in the rational part of my brain that the similarities ended there--but my mind played the "WHAT IF" game. And as if that wasn't torture enough for me, I started having flashbacks of the accident.
I texted them to have safe travels home--I am sure that they probably knew why--all of my family knows where the accident happened.
I spent the rest of the day telling myself that everything would be fine for them. I knew that lightening doesn't strike twice in the same place so to speak. In all honesty, I think it was just seeing the street name after all these years. It isn't like I have forgotten-but sometimes the reminders just reach up and grab me.
The accident played through my mind for the better part of the day. It took all of my concentration to focus on today, on the here and now. I did but this time it was harder and I am not quite sure why. I know that it is ok and I know that there are some things will always be hard--perhaps I should just learn to expect the hard every once in a while.
Monday, December 30, 2013
A Special Present
Christmas morning, Munchkin was awake at 4:24 am-you know typical time for an excited six year old! I snuggled him in my bed for an hour and then we got up. We had breakfast and we opened our presents.
My best friends mom had brought a bag over a few days before Christmas and instructed it to be the LAST thing opened on Christmas morning. We agreed.
Well, nothing could prepare me for what was in that bag!
Keep in mind, this was the second time that everything was taken to a laundry mat---the first time was with another friend that helped me get everything clean from the flea infestation in my house back in Texas!
Anyway, in all of that cleaning, she took some of his shirts and ties. She has had them for the better part of five years waiting for me to be "ready" but she had a quilt made out of them. We discussed it years ago but not since then. Let me tell you--the quilt is perfect! It has his Chicago Bears t-shirts, his patriotic t-shirts, his shirts and ties, his car show t-shirts. It captures him perfectly! The backing of it has a very subtle music note pattern on it. I am in love.
More amazing, is that when Munchkin opened it, he knew that they were Daddy's t-shirts and he is loving it! I asked myself how he knew, and then I remembered that many of the shirts are in pictures of Robert.
After the chaos of opening, I found him sitting on the couch reading a book wrapped in the blanket as I cooked. I thought to myself that it was perfect that I was cooking in the kitchen and he was snuggling with Daddy...even if only in memory.
Once again, I am awed and amazed by the love that we receive on a daily basis. I know that my words are not doing this justice, so I will just show you!
My best friends mom had brought a bag over a few days before Christmas and instructed it to be the LAST thing opened on Christmas morning. We agreed.
Well, nothing could prepare me for what was in that bag!
Several years ago, not long after Robert died, there was MASSIVE flooding in our town and
my parents basement where all of my stuff was being stored was hit pretty hard. Kate came over to help me clean up and see what was salvageable. I remember that all of his baseball hats were covered in mold and deemed unsalvageable. We went to the laundry mat and washed everything else trying to save it.
Keep in mind, this was the second time that everything was taken to a laundry mat---the first time was with another friend that helped me get everything clean from the flea infestation in my house back in Texas!
Anyway, in all of that cleaning, she took some of his shirts and ties. She has had them for the better part of five years waiting for me to be "ready" but she had a quilt made out of them. We discussed it years ago but not since then. Let me tell you--the quilt is perfect! It has his Chicago Bears t-shirts, his patriotic t-shirts, his shirts and ties, his car show t-shirts. It captures him perfectly! The backing of it has a very subtle music note pattern on it. I am in love.
More amazing, is that when Munchkin opened it, he knew that they were Daddy's t-shirts and he is loving it! I asked myself how he knew, and then I remembered that many of the shirts are in pictures of Robert.
After the chaos of opening, I found him sitting on the couch reading a book wrapped in the blanket as I cooked. I thought to myself that it was perfect that I was cooking in the kitchen and he was snuggling with Daddy...even if only in memory.
Once again, I am awed and amazed by the love that we receive on a daily basis. I know that my words are not doing this justice, so I will just show you!
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Mommy What is a Coffin?
Munchkin is inquisitive. That is putting it nicely. He asks a million questions a day. This morning we were driving to go let my brother's dog out while he is out of town and we spotted someone packing away Halloween Decorations.
This prompted a series of questions...
Munchkin: Mommy, what's a coffin?
Me: It is something that you put someone in after they die.
Munchkin: Did you have to put daddy in a coffin?
Me: Yes baby.
Munchkin: I don't think he would have liked that.
Me: Probably not.
Munchkin: What did Daddy's coffin look like?
Me: It was silver with blue lining
Munchkin: Oh, Well Count Dracula's was black with red inside. Red is my favorite color.
See while Munchkin has asked his questions in passing and has now moved on to putting together a lego set, my brain is now trying to force back the memories that I have tucked away. Some memories are just too much to bear and entirely too painful to keep remembering.
The memories of walking into a funeral home and telling the person that I needed to make arrangements for my husband.
The chaos that followed that I am not even prepared to write about, and I don't know if I ever will.
Getting up from the table and walking out of the room trying to find solace and wake myself from what surely was a nightmare. Only I found myself lost in a room of coffins sobbing. My father came and sat by me. I sobbed so hard. I could hardly breathe. Even now, five years later, these memories are so powerful and nearly debilitating.
I remember telling everyone that I highly doubted that we would be able to have an open casket because of the devastation of the accident.
I remember the next day when his body arrived and I had to go confirm that it was him, crying with relief that they were able to make his face, head and neck presentable enough for an open casket. I will forever be grateful to the organ procurement team for doing that. As horrible as it was, I can't imagine if I had not been able to touch his hair one more time or rest my hand on the side of his face where it was made to fit perfectly. The edge of my palm fit along his jaw and my fingers reached behind his ear to caress him softly. It is one of the things that I miss most of him. How our bodies were MADE to fit together.
Don't forget the memories of the wake. Of actually SEEING Robert in a coffin. The finality of that. There really are not words to describe seeing your soul mate dead and cold. Memories of my family and our friends. The eulogies that were delivered. Seeing his sweet innocent students who were no bigger than munchkin is now, kneeling and praying the rosary. Handing me hand written notes of how much they loved their "Mr. Bob" For most of these kids, Mr. Bob dying was the first time that they had lost someone, and they all loved him.
Memories of my laughing baby boy in my arms at the very end of the wake. I was holding him near the coffin and he was laughing. He was calling Daddy, Daddy and tried to leap from my eyes into the coffin on top of Robert. I let him touch him and all he did is laugh. I fainted, my dad caught me and Munchkin. To say that attending my husband's wake was life altering does not nearly serve it justice. It doesn't convey the weight of that cataclysmic point in time.
I realize that all Munchkin didn't understand then, he asks questions to try and understand now. I also know that it is my job to help him understand the inexplicable.
He will take his cues from me and he will grow to know about the world from me. So, now I will take a deep breath, wipe away my tears, pour another cup of coffee and go build a lego castle. I will wait for the next series of questions and until then, I will keep myself in the present moment.
This prompted a series of questions...
Munchkin: Mommy, what's a coffin?
Me: It is something that you put someone in after they die.
Munchkin: Did you have to put daddy in a coffin?
Me: Yes baby.
Munchkin: I don't think he would have liked that.
Me: Probably not.
Munchkin: What did Daddy's coffin look like?
Me: It was silver with blue lining
Munchkin: Oh, Well Count Dracula's was black with red inside. Red is my favorite color.
See while Munchkin has asked his questions in passing and has now moved on to putting together a lego set, my brain is now trying to force back the memories that I have tucked away. Some memories are just too much to bear and entirely too painful to keep remembering.
The memories of walking into a funeral home and telling the person that I needed to make arrangements for my husband.
The chaos that followed that I am not even prepared to write about, and I don't know if I ever will.
Getting up from the table and walking out of the room trying to find solace and wake myself from what surely was a nightmare. Only I found myself lost in a room of coffins sobbing. My father came and sat by me. I sobbed so hard. I could hardly breathe. Even now, five years later, these memories are so powerful and nearly debilitating.
I remember telling everyone that I highly doubted that we would be able to have an open casket because of the devastation of the accident.
I remember the next day when his body arrived and I had to go confirm that it was him, crying with relief that they were able to make his face, head and neck presentable enough for an open casket. I will forever be grateful to the organ procurement team for doing that. As horrible as it was, I can't imagine if I had not been able to touch his hair one more time or rest my hand on the side of his face where it was made to fit perfectly. The edge of my palm fit along his jaw and my fingers reached behind his ear to caress him softly. It is one of the things that I miss most of him. How our bodies were MADE to fit together.
Don't forget the memories of the wake. Of actually SEEING Robert in a coffin. The finality of that. There really are not words to describe seeing your soul mate dead and cold. Memories of my family and our friends. The eulogies that were delivered. Seeing his sweet innocent students who were no bigger than munchkin is now, kneeling and praying the rosary. Handing me hand written notes of how much they loved their "Mr. Bob" For most of these kids, Mr. Bob dying was the first time that they had lost someone, and they all loved him.
Memories of my laughing baby boy in my arms at the very end of the wake. I was holding him near the coffin and he was laughing. He was calling Daddy, Daddy and tried to leap from my eyes into the coffin on top of Robert. I let him touch him and all he did is laugh. I fainted, my dad caught me and Munchkin. To say that attending my husband's wake was life altering does not nearly serve it justice. It doesn't convey the weight of that cataclysmic point in time.
I realize that all Munchkin didn't understand then, he asks questions to try and understand now. I also know that it is my job to help him understand the inexplicable.
He will take his cues from me and he will grow to know about the world from me. So, now I will take a deep breath, wipe away my tears, pour another cup of coffee and go build a lego castle. I will wait for the next series of questions and until then, I will keep myself in the present moment.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Random Acts of Mercy and Disclosure
This morning started out as a whirlwind. Munchkin had a tournament and was extremely excited. This is the second time where he has competed at the next level up. We have two rules in our family when it comes to sports...
That is it. That is the extent of my expectations for him.
While today was a bit of a challenge. He was in a ring where he was outsized by a literal sixty pounds. I didn't think that there was any way that he would do well, and as I stood there and watched the kids get assigned to rings, I had in my mind, that there was no way that he was going to go up against these bigger kids. We had discussed previously, that in order for him to compete in these categories, that Mom has the right to pull him out and have him forfeit if I thought he could get hurt.
Well, as I stood there praying for guidance, one of the high ranking Senior Masters, pulled my Munchkin and stood him next to the biggest kid and took a picture and sent it to headquarters. I didn't really know what was happening, but she asked Munchkin where his parents were. He said that Daddy was dead, but Mommy was right there and pointed at me.
She walked over to me and said that she had requested a split ring based on size and that headquarters had agreed. She was extremely gracious and nice and I was thankful. Munchkin would not be walloped on by gargantuan 8 year olds (he is a very small 6!)
Senior Master was available around our ring and watched a few of the kids. I thought it a bit unusual. The high ranks generally watch and judge the other higher ranks, not the kids color belts. At the end of his competition, I thanked her and we made some small talk. And when I say high rank, this wonderful woman, is an extremely high rank!
She asked me if he was an only child-I said yes. She then told me that her father died when she and her brother were little. Her mother was widowed at 29 years old. I was floored. She went on to share some of her story with me and I had tears in my eyes. At one point she told me that she believes that it takes a village and at that moment Munchkin's teacher and my dear friend walked up.
I was engaged and fighting tears speaking to Senior Master, but handed her Munchkin's results slips and she was congratulating him. Senior Master asked me who he studied with and I reached for our instructor and gave her a hug. I told her, that we have a phenomenal family in our school and I felt very lucky. Senior Master went on to tell me how wonderful our instructor is.
This completely random encounter has left such an impression on me today. Someone whom I have never met, took the time to share her story and not only that, share how perfectly fine she and her brother are and that her mom was remarried and happy. Her words gave credence to the fact that kids can turn out okay in spite of the circumstances that the universe dumps on them.
She did share that he mom remarried after she and her brother were off to college, but she personally felt that she had wasted a lot of years. I told her that my belief is that if God has planned for someone else to be in our lives, then He will put them there. She said she would pray for us.
It feels as if the world had given me an affirmation at a time when I really needed to hear it. Our instructor looked at me with tears in her eyes and told me how proud she knows that Robert must be.
1. Have Fun!
2. Do your best!
That is it. That is the extent of my expectations for him.
While today was a bit of a challenge. He was in a ring where he was outsized by a literal sixty pounds. I didn't think that there was any way that he would do well, and as I stood there and watched the kids get assigned to rings, I had in my mind, that there was no way that he was going to go up against these bigger kids. We had discussed previously, that in order for him to compete in these categories, that Mom has the right to pull him out and have him forfeit if I thought he could get hurt.
Well, as I stood there praying for guidance, one of the high ranking Senior Masters, pulled my Munchkin and stood him next to the biggest kid and took a picture and sent it to headquarters. I didn't really know what was happening, but she asked Munchkin where his parents were. He said that Daddy was dead, but Mommy was right there and pointed at me.
She walked over to me and said that she had requested a split ring based on size and that headquarters had agreed. She was extremely gracious and nice and I was thankful. Munchkin would not be walloped on by gargantuan 8 year olds (he is a very small 6!)
Senior Master was available around our ring and watched a few of the kids. I thought it a bit unusual. The high ranks generally watch and judge the other higher ranks, not the kids color belts. At the end of his competition, I thanked her and we made some small talk. And when I say high rank, this wonderful woman, is an extremely high rank!
She asked me if he was an only child-I said yes. She then told me that her father died when she and her brother were little. Her mother was widowed at 29 years old. I was floored. She went on to share some of her story with me and I had tears in my eyes. At one point she told me that she believes that it takes a village and at that moment Munchkin's teacher and my dear friend walked up.
I was engaged and fighting tears speaking to Senior Master, but handed her Munchkin's results slips and she was congratulating him. Senior Master asked me who he studied with and I reached for our instructor and gave her a hug. I told her, that we have a phenomenal family in our school and I felt very lucky. Senior Master went on to tell me how wonderful our instructor is.
This completely random encounter has left such an impression on me today. Someone whom I have never met, took the time to share her story and not only that, share how perfectly fine she and her brother are and that her mom was remarried and happy. Her words gave credence to the fact that kids can turn out okay in spite of the circumstances that the universe dumps on them.
She did share that he mom remarried after she and her brother were off to college, but she personally felt that she had wasted a lot of years. I told her that my belief is that if God has planned for someone else to be in our lives, then He will put them there. She said she would pray for us.
It feels as if the world had given me an affirmation at a time when I really needed to hear it. Our instructor looked at me with tears in her eyes and told me how proud she knows that Robert must be.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Estate Planning & Messy Stuff
I know for a lot of people this is going to be hard to read, but please, please do! The post below talks about very important grown up things, and even if you don't count yourself as grown up-if you support other people, you are!
Life gets crazy and things change. You pay bills every month or every year and you look for ways to cut back. In a cost cutting measure, we dropped our life insurance. We figured that we both had employer sponsored life insurance and that it would be ok to drop the large policy we had when we got married. Only later when he had back problems and didn't work full time anymore did we consider it, but, by then it was too expensive.
I had NO life insurance on him when he died.
It was a situation that I was completely unprepared for. I wish that someone had told me about the "worst case scenario" before he died--and not a sales person either. Someone my age, that said, hey I made that mistake, learn from me and don't do it. Really, I do. So here I am. Here are a few technical things I wish were different.
1. Get life insurance...lots of it, more than you will ever think you will need. Enough to cover paying off your house, your cars and living on for quite sometime. If you die, your spouse will need this support. If they are working they can use it to put the kids through college or something. Run, don't walk, go do this NOW. Seriously, you are still reading? GO!!!!
2. Write a will...who gets what (it can be as simple as my spouse gets everything) even though most states this is the law and most families don't argue with it, if your spouse needs this damn piece of paper, TRUST me, things are not good and the very least you could have done is have a piece of paper that gives your surviving spouse rights to everything. Believe it or not, families and friends can get CRAZY when people die.
3. Have a power of attorney. Do you want to be on life support? Do you want your organs donated? All of your organs? Do you want to be cremated? Where would you like to be buried? Have the discussion. As hard as it is to have now when you and your spouse are healthy, it is much, much harder for your spouse to sit and defend their choices to people. If it is written down, the paperwork defends your spouse in carrying out choices that you agreed upon. Again, people get CRAZY with grief. They are in a tailspin and like little children they lash out---protect your spouse from the grave. Get your crap in order and make your wishes known. Do it now, when no one is ill and time is not pressing. We had this discussion many, many times, I knew exactly what he wanted and I did it--but--it wasn't in writing so I had to explain and keep defending our decision.
4. Have a plan in place. Who are your go to people? Who will be the ones that your spouse can call to help them with everything that HAS to be done. I was lucky here in that my parents and siblings got their butts down to Texas ASAP and spent time telling me-sign here, do this, you need to call this person yadda, yadda, yadda. I am beyond blessed to have such a great family that looked out for our interests I cannot even express it.
What I can say is that there are people that come out of the woodwork immediately and then again later and will try and get things that aren't theirs to get, or they will take advantage of someone grieving a loss. It is sick, it is wrong, I believe there is a special place reserved for this kind of behavior, but know that it does happen, it can happen and it likely will happen. Who are your "people" that your spouse or you could turn to? They may not be family but you just need to know.
Take it from me, please, please go make sure that you have these things tied up. That you have legal documents in place. Do it when you have the luxury of time. Learn from my experience and at my own personal expense. Your spouse will not need to deal with the crap that doing these things will prevent.
I know that it is hard, no one wants to think about the worst case. No one wants to imagine life without their spouse. I get that. We didn't. Let me tell you it is harder than anything you can imagine, so I beg you--go do these simple things. Do them because you love your family and you would like to protect them just a little bit.
Life gets crazy and things change. You pay bills every month or every year and you look for ways to cut back. In a cost cutting measure, we dropped our life insurance. We figured that we both had employer sponsored life insurance and that it would be ok to drop the large policy we had when we got married. Only later when he had back problems and didn't work full time anymore did we consider it, but, by then it was too expensive.
I had NO life insurance on him when he died.
It was a situation that I was completely unprepared for. I wish that someone had told me about the "worst case scenario" before he died--and not a sales person either. Someone my age, that said, hey I made that mistake, learn from me and don't do it. Really, I do. So here I am. Here are a few technical things I wish were different.
1. Get life insurance...lots of it, more than you will ever think you will need. Enough to cover paying off your house, your cars and living on for quite sometime. If you die, your spouse will need this support. If they are working they can use it to put the kids through college or something. Run, don't walk, go do this NOW. Seriously, you are still reading? GO!!!!
2. Write a will...who gets what (it can be as simple as my spouse gets everything) even though most states this is the law and most families don't argue with it, if your spouse needs this damn piece of paper, TRUST me, things are not good and the very least you could have done is have a piece of paper that gives your surviving spouse rights to everything. Believe it or not, families and friends can get CRAZY when people die.
3. Have a power of attorney. Do you want to be on life support? Do you want your organs donated? All of your organs? Do you want to be cremated? Where would you like to be buried? Have the discussion. As hard as it is to have now when you and your spouse are healthy, it is much, much harder for your spouse to sit and defend their choices to people. If it is written down, the paperwork defends your spouse in carrying out choices that you agreed upon. Again, people get CRAZY with grief. They are in a tailspin and like little children they lash out---protect your spouse from the grave. Get your crap in order and make your wishes known. Do it now, when no one is ill and time is not pressing. We had this discussion many, many times, I knew exactly what he wanted and I did it--but--it wasn't in writing so I had to explain and keep defending our decision.
4. Have a plan in place. Who are your go to people? Who will be the ones that your spouse can call to help them with everything that HAS to be done. I was lucky here in that my parents and siblings got their butts down to Texas ASAP and spent time telling me-sign here, do this, you need to call this person yadda, yadda, yadda. I am beyond blessed to have such a great family that looked out for our interests I cannot even express it.
What I can say is that there are people that come out of the woodwork immediately and then again later and will try and get things that aren't theirs to get, or they will take advantage of someone grieving a loss. It is sick, it is wrong, I believe there is a special place reserved for this kind of behavior, but know that it does happen, it can happen and it likely will happen. Who are your "people" that your spouse or you could turn to? They may not be family but you just need to know.
Take it from me, please, please go make sure that you have these things tied up. That you have legal documents in place. Do it when you have the luxury of time. Learn from my experience and at my own personal expense. Your spouse will not need to deal with the crap that doing these things will prevent.
I know that it is hard, no one wants to think about the worst case. No one wants to imagine life without their spouse. I get that. We didn't. Let me tell you it is harder than anything you can imagine, so I beg you--go do these simple things. Do them because you love your family and you would like to protect them just a little bit.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Caterpillar
Yesterday morning walking to school, we encountered a big fat fuzzy caterpillar in the crosswalk. He was yellow and he was moving pretty darn fast for a caterpillar!
Munchkin immediately saw him and wanted to save him. There were no cars, so I told him he could pick him up. He gingerly bent down and tried to coax him into his hand. It didn't work.
A car came and we exited the crosswalk. Munchkin yelled to the car not to run over his caterpillar. I am not sure that there are words to describe his animation and conviction that he used. Suffice it to say, that had I let him, he would have covered that caterpillar with his body to protect him. We tried again with a stick, and again, that caterpillar had other plans.
Another car approached and we again exited the crosswalk, this time it was a teacher and she said we could cross, I replied, go ahead we are rescuing a caterpillar. She chuckled.
This time we went with a leaf, the caterpillar crawled into the leaf in his hand. He very carefully walked with that leaf and caterpillar cradled in his hands. He was so cute and so determined to make sure that caterpillar didn't get hurt or scared. He took it to a tree next to the playground and whispered to the caterpillar. We went on to put down his backpack and play.
When I picked him up, he asked me if I made sure that the caterpillar stayed out of the street. I assured him that I did not see him in the crosswalk.
This morning, he asked me if the caterpillar would remember his message. I assured him that he would. Curious, I asked him, "what did you tell the caterpillar?"
He replied, "I told him when he turns into a beautiful butterfly, to please fly to heaven and tell daddy that I love him"
I am awestruck by my son daily. I am currently sitting here and being grateful for having such a special and loving child. He has such an understanding of things that no child should have to experience. At the same time, I am awed by his grace and compassion.
Munchkin immediately saw him and wanted to save him. There were no cars, so I told him he could pick him up. He gingerly bent down and tried to coax him into his hand. It didn't work.
A car came and we exited the crosswalk. Munchkin yelled to the car not to run over his caterpillar. I am not sure that there are words to describe his animation and conviction that he used. Suffice it to say, that had I let him, he would have covered that caterpillar with his body to protect him. We tried again with a stick, and again, that caterpillar had other plans.
Another car approached and we again exited the crosswalk, this time it was a teacher and she said we could cross, I replied, go ahead we are rescuing a caterpillar. She chuckled.
This time we went with a leaf, the caterpillar crawled into the leaf in his hand. He very carefully walked with that leaf and caterpillar cradled in his hands. He was so cute and so determined to make sure that caterpillar didn't get hurt or scared. He took it to a tree next to the playground and whispered to the caterpillar. We went on to put down his backpack and play.
When I picked him up, he asked me if I made sure that the caterpillar stayed out of the street. I assured him that I did not see him in the crosswalk.
This morning, he asked me if the caterpillar would remember his message. I assured him that he would. Curious, I asked him, "what did you tell the caterpillar?"
He replied, "I told him when he turns into a beautiful butterfly, to please fly to heaven and tell daddy that I love him"
I am awestruck by my son daily. I am currently sitting here and being grateful for having such a special and loving child. He has such an understanding of things that no child should have to experience. At the same time, I am awed by his grace and compassion.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Just a little HOPE
This past weekend after spending a ton of time at the beach with family, we finished it off with going to watch the start of the sailboat race. The morning was cool and it was a ton of fun. The waves were VERY rough, so much so that we thought that they would call off the race. The picture below is deceiving, that concrete wall is about 25 feet above the water....so the waves are coming more than half way up.
We were sitting on the harbor side of the breakwall watching the waves crash over the lighthouse. The first boat started and then turned around. Another one started out and stopped. Finally, a smaller sailboat went right by us and raised the sail. As I caught the backside of the boat I noticed that it was named "HOPE".
That little boat, skillfully sailed along the breakwall and went right out into the lake and waited. One by one, the rest of the boats, about 30 in all, followed that little HOPE and the race began.
We were sitting on the harbor side of the breakwall watching the waves crash over the lighthouse. The first boat started and then turned around. Another one started out and stopped. Finally, a smaller sailboat went right by us and raised the sail. As I caught the backside of the boat I noticed that it was named "HOPE".
That little boat, skillfully sailed along the breakwall and went right out into the lake and waited. One by one, the rest of the boats, about 30 in all, followed that little HOPE and the race began.
As you can see, the riptides were strong...I mean, the life guards went to the trouble to post signs that "death may occur". When you look at the pictures of the boats, you can see how far they are all listing. It honestly looked like many of them would be hit by a wave and flipped.
I am struck by the irony of this. I am one to choose hope and faith above all else. I have always been. For me, the best part of the morning was family. I was there with my son, brother, cousins aunts and uncles. I didn't even bring my camera and I think I took less than ten pictures with my phone. My cousin is the one to thank for the beautiful pictures. I sat and was present with my family for some very peaceful time. Something five years ago seemed impossible. I let my son play in the sand with his cousins and I sat and visited with the grownups. It was peaceful and it was perfect. So I am glad that my perspective on life allows me to realize what is happening around me and to be present and find joy again. I am always grateful for hope and joy in whatever way they show up in my life!
Thursday, August 29, 2013
A Letter to Teachers
At this time of year there are tons of letters to parents floating around the internet, asking us to be involved with our kids and back up the teachers. DUH. We do these things. I know many families don't or simply can't, but there are plenty of families that do.
Do today I would like to share a letter to the teachers:
Dear Teacher,
I know that you don't know us and you have thirty families to deal with this year, but I wanted to just take a few minutes of your time.
I appreciate all that you do as a teacher, I know that being in teaching for many years is not easy and it is a service of the heart. I commend you for that. I believe that God pick teachers and that teaching is a calling.
I thought you would like to know a little about us. My munchkin is 6 but in some ways he is much older. My wish for him is to have fun learning. I know that is a tall task for you with 30 kids that have likely 30 different levels of abilities, but really please remember that.
I promise you that I will help to keep him responsible for following all of the rules and using his manners. I promise that we will do our reading, and when he comes to school talking about the books we have read at home, please listen. I want him to be happy at school and not to be bored. I know it takes a lot of your energy to keep everyone engaged.
See he is my baby, my one and only, forever. I take extra care of him and I hope you will too!
Oh, and when you ask them to draw pictures of their family, please don't be shocked. He sometimes will draw a smiling sideways head in the sky. Sometimes he doesn't and that is ok too, but when he does, that is his dad. He died in a car accident several years ago and thanks to books, Munchkin thinks heaven is in the clouds. He may also draw a gaggle of people. That is our family. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins and grandparents. We are very blessed to have so many so close to us.
When you ask him what his wish is for at New Years, please don't be shocked when he says a new daddy. I am fine if he wishes for that. I tell him that if God decides that he is supposed to have a new daddy then he will. He knows his daddy can't come back from heaven even if he wished for it. He knows death is permanent. See that is why I say he is older in so many ways.
Please remember, that I am not your enemy, I don't do things to make your classroom difficult. I know that it is only by working together as a team that my Munchkin will be able to excel in all of his abilities.
Lastly, I wish that you have a fantastic year with all of your new kids and that they teach you as much as you teach them!
Sincerely,
Munchkin's Mommy
Do today I would like to share a letter to the teachers:
Dear Teacher,
I know that you don't know us and you have thirty families to deal with this year, but I wanted to just take a few minutes of your time.
I appreciate all that you do as a teacher, I know that being in teaching for many years is not easy and it is a service of the heart. I commend you for that. I believe that God pick teachers and that teaching is a calling.
I thought you would like to know a little about us. My munchkin is 6 but in some ways he is much older. My wish for him is to have fun learning. I know that is a tall task for you with 30 kids that have likely 30 different levels of abilities, but really please remember that.
I promise you that I will help to keep him responsible for following all of the rules and using his manners. I promise that we will do our reading, and when he comes to school talking about the books we have read at home, please listen. I want him to be happy at school and not to be bored. I know it takes a lot of your energy to keep everyone engaged.
See he is my baby, my one and only, forever. I take extra care of him and I hope you will too!
Oh, and when you ask them to draw pictures of their family, please don't be shocked. He sometimes will draw a smiling sideways head in the sky. Sometimes he doesn't and that is ok too, but when he does, that is his dad. He died in a car accident several years ago and thanks to books, Munchkin thinks heaven is in the clouds. He may also draw a gaggle of people. That is our family. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins and grandparents. We are very blessed to have so many so close to us.
When you ask him what his wish is for at New Years, please don't be shocked when he says a new daddy. I am fine if he wishes for that. I tell him that if God decides that he is supposed to have a new daddy then he will. He knows his daddy can't come back from heaven even if he wished for it. He knows death is permanent. See that is why I say he is older in so many ways.
Please remember, that I am not your enemy, I don't do things to make your classroom difficult. I know that it is only by working together as a team that my Munchkin will be able to excel in all of his abilities.
Lastly, I wish that you have a fantastic year with all of your new kids and that they teach you as much as you teach them!
Sincerely,
Munchkin's Mommy
Email reminders
Nearly a decade ago, I bought us tickets to the Houston Symphony as a gift for Robert. We had a high school friend that had just earned a chair and it was Christmas. We went. We had a fantastic time.
Yesterday, in my email, I received an email from the Houston Symphony.
Dear Robert, yadda yadda yadda....
Seriously. It was a slap. I mean once I cracked his email password, I stopped checking it. Really it was too painful to look at all of the stuff that was being sent to him. At this point in time it is extremely rare to get email addressed to him in my email account. I unsubscribed from it all years ago...yet here we are.
Six and a half years later...approaching his birthday and looking at another email.
I simply hit delete because there is no value in looking at some reminders. It was a one time event in our marriage....there was millions of one time events. What is most important are the memories that define us and define me. I choose to focus on the ones that bring me a smile.
Yesterday, in my email, I received an email from the Houston Symphony.
Dear Robert, yadda yadda yadda....
Seriously. It was a slap. I mean once I cracked his email password, I stopped checking it. Really it was too painful to look at all of the stuff that was being sent to him. At this point in time it is extremely rare to get email addressed to him in my email account. I unsubscribed from it all years ago...yet here we are.
Six and a half years later...approaching his birthday and looking at another email.
I simply hit delete because there is no value in looking at some reminders. It was a one time event in our marriage....there was millions of one time events. What is most important are the memories that define us and define me. I choose to focus on the ones that bring me a smile.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Last of summer
It seems like we are in a rush to squeeze in every last bit of summer that we can.
This weekend, we literally had 4 parties in 72 hours. Tons of time with family and friends.
We spent three hours at a park yesterday when I was done working. Then another few hours outside riding bikes and general frolicking.
Now that the pool is on very limited hours
Our basketball hoop installation is complete. Munchkin made a basket on his first shot! Today's agenda includes pool time, Taekwondo practice and quite possibly a bonfire tonight.
This summer has been awesome. A far cry from what I was expecting. See this post HERE
In short we have spent tons of time together and other than one quick business trip, we have been together every day. We have been to the beach more than I can count and done some pretty amazing things.
Most amazingly I think is that this summer turned out to be nothing like I dreaded.
As I sit here and reflect on all we were able to do, I am feeling so very blessed and so very lucky.
See once again, God has come through in our lives proving to me over and over that if I just give my worries to Him, then they work out. Everyday I am thankful for all that He has given us and all of the blessing he has put on my journey.
I have been given the gift of time, the gift of health (hey we only had three pediatrician visits all summer---that has to be a new record!). I am grateful.
We have had time to spend with family and time to be alone as our family unit. I cannot express my gratitude for these simple pleasures.
This weekend, we literally had 4 parties in 72 hours. Tons of time with family and friends.
We spent three hours at a park yesterday when I was done working. Then another few hours outside riding bikes and general frolicking.
Now that the pool is on very limited hours
Our basketball hoop installation is complete. Munchkin made a basket on his first shot! Today's agenda includes pool time, Taekwondo practice and quite possibly a bonfire tonight.
This summer has been awesome. A far cry from what I was expecting. See this post HERE
In short we have spent tons of time together and other than one quick business trip, we have been together every day. We have been to the beach more than I can count and done some pretty amazing things.
Most amazingly I think is that this summer turned out to be nothing like I dreaded.
As I sit here and reflect on all we were able to do, I am feeling so very blessed and so very lucky.
See once again, God has come through in our lives proving to me over and over that if I just give my worries to Him, then they work out. Everyday I am thankful for all that He has given us and all of the blessing he has put on my journey.
I have been given the gift of time, the gift of health (hey we only had three pediatrician visits all summer---that has to be a new record!). I am grateful.
We have had time to spend with family and time to be alone as our family unit. I cannot express my gratitude for these simple pleasures.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Sometimes the tears still sting
I heard a song tonight that I haven't heard in a long time. It belongs in another chapter of my life, At first I didn't recognize the actual song, I did however recognize the memory. I was transported back to my living room back in Texas. Robert and I used to dance and sing for no reason and for no occasion other than we were in love. We had fun. We were silly, we were goofy and we were in love. We were so in love, there really aren't words to quantify the emotions.
"Tell you a story, happened long time ago..."
"Little bitty pretty one, I've been watching you grow!"
For a split second I closed my eyes and I could feel him. Feel his cheek on mine, his hand on the small of my back and his other hand entwined in mine. I could feel his breath on my neck as we sang together. I could feel the vibration of the music and see the puppies dancing around our feet. For a brief instant the memory was so vivid it was almost tangible. I could smell him, hear his laugh. I could feel him. Then I opened my eyes and it was gone. In a split second I snapped back to reality. The world is now without Robert.
So here I sit tonight remembering, listening to some of our songs. The songs that were so integral to our marriage, to our life. Songs that will forever be associated with US.
I sit here alone and the tears are barely held back. Just barely. They are hot stinging tears...every so often, one slips silently down my cheek and when Robert isn't here to wipe it away, it hits again and again that he is gone. He is not here to hold me, to put his hand at the base of my neck and use his thumb to wipe my tears. He isn't here to tell me he loves me. I miss the comfort of his love and protection. I miss the fun we used to have.
All I have is my memories, so I will sit with those awhile and know that tomorrow is a new day, and perhaps tomorrow's memory will bring a smile instead of a tear.
Monday, July 15, 2013
Fishing and Life
For at least several months my Munchkin has wanted to learn to fish. A total little boy thing right? A rite of childhood passage. I can tell you that I am very well equipped for this one. My parents made sure that the girls knew how to do guy stuff and the boys knew how to do girl stuff. I am lucky in that regard and I know it.
My dad used to take us all fishing in Lake Michigan. Usually from shore, but sometimes from the pier. I can still remember it. So, even though in my mind, this was clearly a time when Robert would have taught him something and I would have gotten to hang back, sleep in and enjoy some coffee--I was able to say ok without having to ask someone else to do it.
We headed off to the beach this past weekend and when I hit town, mom requested that I stop and pick up a few things. Honestly, it is a small price to pay-too little, one could argue for the privilege of sharing the beach with Munchkin and spending time with my parents.
When I pulled into Meijer and Nate asked if we could fish, I said yes. I selected a pole for him and some extra bobbers. When dad taught us how to fish, we learned to cast like an expert before we even earned a hook. As a parent, I think that is a FANTASTIC idea so I decided we would do the same thing. I checked with the desk and asked the rules for fishing licenses. I was told if I wasn't fishing it would probably be ok to not get one, however, knowing my luck, a dumb 40 pound Coho would bite his spoon lure just as the Game Warden drove by, so I decided to buy one anyway :)
Munchkin could not contain his excitement! When we pulled into the beach house, he promptly ran upstairs to show Nana and Papa his new fishing pole. I explained that we fish early in the morning and he was ok with that. I had him help me string his pole and attach his sinker and bobber. There was not a happier boy on the face of the earth!
The next morning, he rose early and was ready to go. We walked down to the beach. I sent a few casts off to remember how to do and explained it to him. Within a few short tries he had the casting part down pat. Now, the whole, watch where you swing your pole, now that leaves much to be desired before I will let him have a hook! Cause, really neither of us need to be hooked!
I stood there on the shore and just watched him. I basked in his joy and I kept my mouth shut. While my heart was full of memories of his father, I did not share them with him. They are not his memories, they are mine.
While I do enjoy sharing and answering questions, that was not for today. Today was all about watching my child enjoy learning something new and learning that practice improves what you are working on and watching him be elated that he can cast the line further than I. It was watching his smile and hearing his laughter and teaching him how to hold the pole, and what to do with the line. It was about being thankful that these are things that I know.
If he asks me, I will answer him, but I will wait for him to ask. If he asks me if Daddy liked to fish, I will tell him, Robert was an AVID fisherman. He loved to fish any chance that he got. He would go at the drop of a hat and would plan long fishing vacations with his brothers. Before he died, he invited my brothers to go on a deep sea fishing trip with him that was to take place just a few weeks after the car accident. I have two tackle boxes that are old and crusty now, likely full of rotten fish guts and only good for holding memories. Sweet ones, but memories nonetheless. If he asks me I will tell him, and if he doesn't I have my sweet memories of watching Robert fish, and hearing his fish tales and looking at the mounted fish on our living room wall. (The one that sits in the garage, in a box too tangible a reminder to enter the house)
But for now, for today, it is all about sharing a childhood memory with my son and being grateful that it is something that I can do!
My dad used to take us all fishing in Lake Michigan. Usually from shore, but sometimes from the pier. I can still remember it. So, even though in my mind, this was clearly a time when Robert would have taught him something and I would have gotten to hang back, sleep in and enjoy some coffee--I was able to say ok without having to ask someone else to do it.
We headed off to the beach this past weekend and when I hit town, mom requested that I stop and pick up a few things. Honestly, it is a small price to pay-too little, one could argue for the privilege of sharing the beach with Munchkin and spending time with my parents.
When I pulled into Meijer and Nate asked if we could fish, I said yes. I selected a pole for him and some extra bobbers. When dad taught us how to fish, we learned to cast like an expert before we even earned a hook. As a parent, I think that is a FANTASTIC idea so I decided we would do the same thing. I checked with the desk and asked the rules for fishing licenses. I was told if I wasn't fishing it would probably be ok to not get one, however, knowing my luck, a dumb 40 pound Coho would bite his spoon lure just as the Game Warden drove by, so I decided to buy one anyway :)
Munchkin could not contain his excitement! When we pulled into the beach house, he promptly ran upstairs to show Nana and Papa his new fishing pole. I explained that we fish early in the morning and he was ok with that. I had him help me string his pole and attach his sinker and bobber. There was not a happier boy on the face of the earth!
The next morning, he rose early and was ready to go. We walked down to the beach. I sent a few casts off to remember how to do and explained it to him. Within a few short tries he had the casting part down pat. Now, the whole, watch where you swing your pole, now that leaves much to be desired before I will let him have a hook! Cause, really neither of us need to be hooked!
I stood there on the shore and just watched him. I basked in his joy and I kept my mouth shut. While my heart was full of memories of his father, I did not share them with him. They are not his memories, they are mine.
While I do enjoy sharing and answering questions, that was not for today. Today was all about watching my child enjoy learning something new and learning that practice improves what you are working on and watching him be elated that he can cast the line further than I. It was watching his smile and hearing his laughter and teaching him how to hold the pole, and what to do with the line. It was about being thankful that these are things that I know.
If he asks me, I will answer him, but I will wait for him to ask. If he asks me if Daddy liked to fish, I will tell him, Robert was an AVID fisherman. He loved to fish any chance that he got. He would go at the drop of a hat and would plan long fishing vacations with his brothers. Before he died, he invited my brothers to go on a deep sea fishing trip with him that was to take place just a few weeks after the car accident. I have two tackle boxes that are old and crusty now, likely full of rotten fish guts and only good for holding memories. Sweet ones, but memories nonetheless. If he asks me I will tell him, and if he doesn't I have my sweet memories of watching Robert fish, and hearing his fish tales and looking at the mounted fish on our living room wall. (The one that sits in the garage, in a box too tangible a reminder to enter the house)
But for now, for today, it is all about sharing a childhood memory with my son and being grateful that it is something that I can do!
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Half
We had defined sides of the bed for sleeping. I was always on the left side of the bed, he was always on the right. It just was.
It has been over five years since the day he died, however I still find myself on the left side of the bed. I now have a smaller bed that has been in three different places in three different bedrooms and the result is still the same...I stay perched on my side, and his stays empty.
Even though I know...it isn't HIS side, never was, he never slept in this bed, he never slept on these sheets, he never used these pillows or blankets. Heck--he has never even stepped foot into my house. I know this. My brain knows it, I am pretty sure that my heart knows it.
At night, there is an icy chill that emanates from his side of MY bed. It creeps over to me and just reminds me that I am alone. That I don't have anyone to share my bed. That Robert is gone, and not just gone, but he. is. dead. He is never coming back and I will NEVER again spend a night nestled safe in his arms with my head on his chest. Really this feeling of icy loneliness is getting very old.
I have done everything that I can think to do. I decorated my bedroom. I selected a beach theme and enlisted my mom who is awesome at decorating to help me pull it together. I have a beautiful painting, new sheets and comforter. A really cool lamp and other accessories. I selected my bedroom so that the light comes in and spills over the bed in the morning. It is bright and warm and cozy. But it hasn't helped. The ice still fills the room in the dead of night.
So I take a deep breath and I suck it up and I lay down and I go to sleep. In the morning I awake and it is the same thing over again. I am alone and there is no one in my bed besides me....well unless Munchkin is sick and has wandered into mommy's bed in the middle of the night, then I am usually awakened at a pre-dawn hour by a squirmy octopus in my bed.
Don't you know, kids grow extra limbs and flail them endlessly when they are in your bed, in their own beds--they sleep perfectly still and awake in the same position that you kissed them goodnight.
So I kiss Munchkin good morning and look around and I say a prayer of thanks for all of the things that I do have and I hope that one day, this particular feeling fades to a distant memory.
It has been over five years since the day he died, however I still find myself on the left side of the bed. I now have a smaller bed that has been in three different places in three different bedrooms and the result is still the same...I stay perched on my side, and his stays empty.
Even though I know...it isn't HIS side, never was, he never slept in this bed, he never slept on these sheets, he never used these pillows or blankets. Heck--he has never even stepped foot into my house. I know this. My brain knows it, I am pretty sure that my heart knows it.
At night, there is an icy chill that emanates from his side of MY bed. It creeps over to me and just reminds me that I am alone. That I don't have anyone to share my bed. That Robert is gone, and not just gone, but he. is. dead. He is never coming back and I will NEVER again spend a night nestled safe in his arms with my head on his chest. Really this feeling of icy loneliness is getting very old.
I have done everything that I can think to do. I decorated my bedroom. I selected a beach theme and enlisted my mom who is awesome at decorating to help me pull it together. I have a beautiful painting, new sheets and comforter. A really cool lamp and other accessories. I selected my bedroom so that the light comes in and spills over the bed in the morning. It is bright and warm and cozy. But it hasn't helped. The ice still fills the room in the dead of night.
So I take a deep breath and I suck it up and I lay down and I go to sleep. In the morning I awake and it is the same thing over again. I am alone and there is no one in my bed besides me....well unless Munchkin is sick and has wandered into mommy's bed in the middle of the night, then I am usually awakened at a pre-dawn hour by a squirmy octopus in my bed.
Don't you know, kids grow extra limbs and flail them endlessly when they are in your bed, in their own beds--they sleep perfectly still and awake in the same position that you kissed them goodnight.
So I kiss Munchkin good morning and look around and I say a prayer of thanks for all of the things that I do have and I hope that one day, this particular feeling fades to a distant memory.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Blissful Day...
This morning had the potential to be a really, really crappy day. However, Munchkin awoke in a great mood without a sign of the wheezing that has plagued him all week. I decided then and there that I was determined to have a great day. We enjoyed breakfast and then decided to get moving.
I had a bunch of things that I *thought* we should get done TODAY. Like going to the library and grocery shopping.
Well, while we were out gallivanting, we just had fun. Munchkin wanted to go to a park. He picked the one clear across town from where we live, so we filled up some water bottles I grabbed my camera and we headed over there. I got some FANTASTIC pictures of his beautiful toothless grin and he was having a grand old time. He made a new friend and I was chatting with the mom and petting the sweetest puppy.
After nearly two hours of him laughing, he decided that it was time to go. We went and got his hair cut at the barber. The barber has known our family for decades and is just a great person. Munchkin enjoys it and we were just chatting. I make Munchkin pay the barber and the barber teases him about shaving-it is their ritual!
It was time for us to go see Epic the movie. It was good, but be warned there are two teenagers who have lost parents and it is an under-story to the plot-of course we picked up on it right away. It was still a very good movie and the topics were handled well. Even though you don't know what happened or how long they have lost their parents, you can see the effect it has on them as they go through their lives.
Then we went to the mall and I got a few outfits for me and some makeup. We shared a pretzel and some silly "I spy" moments. We were generally just laughing and being silly on one of the benches. It was absolutely blissful.
It felt so good to just be present in the moment and enjoy spending the day together. As we were finishing shopping my best friend called and wanted to know if we wanted to meet for dinner. I of course said yes not knowing that leaving the mall at that moment meant we were heading into a monsoon! Well, it was raining so hard that we were soaked in two steps so instead of running to the car, we decided to see who could stomp the puddles the highest and took our sweet time getting to the car. I mean I wasn't wearing a white shirt so there really was not a reason to hurry :)
After dinner, I got to spend some much needed time with my best friend, who encouraged me to get rid of a bunch of clothes that are now way too big so I did, I am pretty sure that I put into the donate pile more things than I bought which is definitely a great thing!
At the end of the day, I didn't get done any of the things that I thought we just *HAD* to get done today, but I think that spending the day with Munchkin in unhurried bliss was just what we both needed.
I had a bunch of things that I *thought* we should get done TODAY. Like going to the library and grocery shopping.
Well, while we were out gallivanting, we just had fun. Munchkin wanted to go to a park. He picked the one clear across town from where we live, so we filled up some water bottles I grabbed my camera and we headed over there. I got some FANTASTIC pictures of his beautiful toothless grin and he was having a grand old time. He made a new friend and I was chatting with the mom and petting the sweetest puppy.
After nearly two hours of him laughing, he decided that it was time to go. We went and got his hair cut at the barber. The barber has known our family for decades and is just a great person. Munchkin enjoys it and we were just chatting. I make Munchkin pay the barber and the barber teases him about shaving-it is their ritual!
It was time for us to go see Epic the movie. It was good, but be warned there are two teenagers who have lost parents and it is an under-story to the plot-of course we picked up on it right away. It was still a very good movie and the topics were handled well. Even though you don't know what happened or how long they have lost their parents, you can see the effect it has on them as they go through their lives.
Then we went to the mall and I got a few outfits for me and some makeup. We shared a pretzel and some silly "I spy" moments. We were generally just laughing and being silly on one of the benches. It was absolutely blissful.
It felt so good to just be present in the moment and enjoy spending the day together. As we were finishing shopping my best friend called and wanted to know if we wanted to meet for dinner. I of course said yes not knowing that leaving the mall at that moment meant we were heading into a monsoon! Well, it was raining so hard that we were soaked in two steps so instead of running to the car, we decided to see who could stomp the puddles the highest and took our sweet time getting to the car. I mean I wasn't wearing a white shirt so there really was not a reason to hurry :)
After dinner, I got to spend some much needed time with my best friend, who encouraged me to get rid of a bunch of clothes that are now way too big so I did, I am pretty sure that I put into the donate pile more things than I bought which is definitely a great thing!
At the end of the day, I didn't get done any of the things that I thought we just *HAD* to get done today, but I think that spending the day with Munchkin in unhurried bliss was just what we both needed.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Hometown Dairy Queen
We live in a suburb of Chicago. It is a relatively small town, where most everyone knows everyone else. Except for the ten years we lived in Texas, I have been here my whole life. My parents have been in the same house for 31 years. Many families have been here that long or longer.
One of the rites of passage of summer is going to Dairy Queen or "DQ" as we refer to it. For as long as I can remember it has been a gathering spot. When I first moved back, I had run into so many old friends there picking up a cone or dilly bar. It is one of the perks of being in a small town. Families gather and share ice cream. Sports teams go there after games and practices. It is an institution in the community. I grew up meeting friends there for DQ.
Tonight, we had dinner then went to mom and dad's so that Munchkin could play with Nana's new puppy--which is an entirely different post.
When we got in the car, he asked to go to DQ. I acquiesced Well, while I am used to running into my friends there, I was totally unprepared for my social butterfly to start running into his buddies! But there they were no less than 4 boys he knows either from school or TaeKwonDo.
While I visited with the other parents, he visited with his friends. All was right in the world. Well, until one of the little boys asked me if Munchkin's daddy really died. I thought the mother was going to collapse. I said that yes he did, and the little boy did not believe me.
Now, I have gotten used to the idiocy of grownups in asking dumb questions, but the realization that my son would have one of his friends doubt something that he says. That hurt. It made my heart hurt for him. I know that he doesn't completely grasp things yet, but he will. One day, he will realize exactly what it means that someone he calls a friend would think that he would make up a story about his dad being dead.
While I know that it is no reflection on us whatsoever, and I know that this other little boy is likely lucky enough to have no reference point of death in his life, so hearing that someone else lost something as central to his life as a father has to seem incredulous to him, I am not sure that my son will have that same level of understanding when he starts to "get" it.
The mother was profusely apologetic. At this point my Munchkin was conversing with one of his TaeKwonDo buddies. She apologized again and her son asked me if he really did die. The mom and I exchanged a look, I bent down and told him that yes, Munchkin's daddy did die and that sometimes that happens.
The mother thanked me for being so kind and apologized again. I told her that it was OK and that her son probably has never known anyone who died so it is a foreign concept to her. She told me that was true and then again commended me for my composure and kindness. Really, I was just showing her child the compassion that I would like others to show to mine.
One of the rites of passage of summer is going to Dairy Queen or "DQ" as we refer to it. For as long as I can remember it has been a gathering spot. When I first moved back, I had run into so many old friends there picking up a cone or dilly bar. It is one of the perks of being in a small town. Families gather and share ice cream. Sports teams go there after games and practices. It is an institution in the community. I grew up meeting friends there for DQ.
Tonight, we had dinner then went to mom and dad's so that Munchkin could play with Nana's new puppy--which is an entirely different post.
When we got in the car, he asked to go to DQ. I acquiesced Well, while I am used to running into my friends there, I was totally unprepared for my social butterfly to start running into his buddies! But there they were no less than 4 boys he knows either from school or TaeKwonDo.
While I visited with the other parents, he visited with his friends. All was right in the world. Well, until one of the little boys asked me if Munchkin's daddy really died. I thought the mother was going to collapse. I said that yes he did, and the little boy did not believe me.
Now, I have gotten used to the idiocy of grownups in asking dumb questions, but the realization that my son would have one of his friends doubt something that he says. That hurt. It made my heart hurt for him. I know that he doesn't completely grasp things yet, but he will. One day, he will realize exactly what it means that someone he calls a friend would think that he would make up a story about his dad being dead.
While I know that it is no reflection on us whatsoever, and I know that this other little boy is likely lucky enough to have no reference point of death in his life, so hearing that someone else lost something as central to his life as a father has to seem incredulous to him, I am not sure that my son will have that same level of understanding when he starts to "get" it.
The mother was profusely apologetic. At this point my Munchkin was conversing with one of his TaeKwonDo buddies. She apologized again and her son asked me if he really did die. The mom and I exchanged a look, I bent down and told him that yes, Munchkin's daddy did die and that sometimes that happens.
The mother thanked me for being so kind and apologized again. I told her that it was OK and that her son probably has never known anyone who died so it is a foreign concept to her. She told me that was true and then again commended me for my composure and kindness. Really, I was just showing her child the compassion that I would like others to show to mine.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Mother's Day
What a day. My mothers day started yesterday actually. Munchkin and my mom and dad and brother planted flowers in my flower beds. My sister and her husband gave me a massage certificate. Munchkin made his uncle take him to pick out flowers for me. I am a simple girl, flowers and handmade cards are the way to my heart!
Munchkin made me a heart that he wrote I Love you on all by himself.
Today we started at mass and had a fantastic day. Dad cooked breakfast, my sister hosted dinner. In the middle we got a great deal of yard work done. I am very lucky. I know that.
For YEARS and YEARS I yearned to be a mother. I used to cry and pray and wish. And it happened, when we least expected it, it happened. We became parents. Wholehearted bliss. I cannot begin to describe the sheer joy that I felt on Mother's Day 2007. Munchkin was barely two weeks old. Robert went to the jeweler and got me a necklace with one diamond, and one emerald. Mine and Munchkin's birthstones. It was such a special day. It was the only one with the three of us together. Robert is the only one who knows exactly what we went through for all of those years.
I know there are people out there that are not that lucky. People trying to have kids or grow their family via adoption. People who have lost children. People that have lost their mothers. My brother in law lost his mom about a month ago. He spent the weekend with his dad and sisters. I know it is hard on him.
My point is that while I had a blissful day today, I do know that the occasion can be a bitter pill, I know it was for me for many years. So today, I snuggled with my growing boy and watched river monsters at the end of the day and I took a deep breath and I thank God for the chance to be a Mother and be able to spend time with my family. And I hope that all those out there that are feeling things other than joy today find some peace and hope and comfort.
Munchkin made me a heart that he wrote I Love you on all by himself.
Today we started at mass and had a fantastic day. Dad cooked breakfast, my sister hosted dinner. In the middle we got a great deal of yard work done. I am very lucky. I know that.
For YEARS and YEARS I yearned to be a mother. I used to cry and pray and wish. And it happened, when we least expected it, it happened. We became parents. Wholehearted bliss. I cannot begin to describe the sheer joy that I felt on Mother's Day 2007. Munchkin was barely two weeks old. Robert went to the jeweler and got me a necklace with one diamond, and one emerald. Mine and Munchkin's birthstones. It was such a special day. It was the only one with the three of us together. Robert is the only one who knows exactly what we went through for all of those years.
I know there are people out there that are not that lucky. People trying to have kids or grow their family via adoption. People who have lost children. People that have lost their mothers. My brother in law lost his mom about a month ago. He spent the weekend with his dad and sisters. I know it is hard on him.
My point is that while I had a blissful day today, I do know that the occasion can be a bitter pill, I know it was for me for many years. So today, I snuggled with my growing boy and watched river monsters at the end of the day and I took a deep breath and I thank God for the chance to be a Mother and be able to spend time with my family. And I hope that all those out there that are feeling things other than joy today find some peace and hope and comfort.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Turning 6
Munchkin turned six last week. I can't believe that time has flown by so quickly, He is an amazing young man and I love being his mommy. Really I do, I wouldn't trade it for anything...I will take all of it, the messiness, illness, challenges...I soak it in. I soak up his sassy mouth and his (my) sarcastic sense of humor. At times when I want to scream, I take a breath and remember everything is a phase....including his vocabulary.
Sometimes though, I can't help remembering the fact that Robert was cheated out of celebrating any of Munchkin's birthdays with us, It makes me ill to remember the fact that Robert never got the opportunity to select one birthday theme, present, streamer or birthday hug. It breaks my heart to know that Munchkin won't have memories of his daddy on his birthday.
This year he wanted a basketball hoop-perfect daddy son activity right???? I know we are lucky and I thank God everyday. A few weeks ago, I alerted my sister and her husband that this was the birthday wish. They are expensive so I asked grandparents to kick in cash and Heather and Tom are covering the vast bulk of the cost and Tom will install it and he will play with him. I know that there are other families who are not nearly as lucky as we are to have people to step up...and my family has stepped up HUGE for us. I really am grateful, really I am. I just wish that they didn't have to.
Sometimes though, I can't help remembering the fact that Robert was cheated out of celebrating any of Munchkin's birthdays with us, It makes me ill to remember the fact that Robert never got the opportunity to select one birthday theme, present, streamer or birthday hug. It breaks my heart to know that Munchkin won't have memories of his daddy on his birthday.
This year he wanted a basketball hoop-perfect daddy son activity right???? I know we are lucky and I thank God everyday. A few weeks ago, I alerted my sister and her husband that this was the birthday wish. They are expensive so I asked grandparents to kick in cash and Heather and Tom are covering the vast bulk of the cost and Tom will install it and he will play with him. I know that there are other families who are not nearly as lucky as we are to have people to step up...and my family has stepped up HUGE for us. I really am grateful, really I am. I just wish that they didn't have to.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Till Death do us part...
Dear Robert,
14 years ago today I met you at the altar. It was a fairy tale wedding...quite simple and elegant. I remember your big smile. The church was still decorated for Easter, the music was perfect. Our family and friends were all there (even the ones who pledged that they would not come!) I remember that our voices shook and we both had tears of joy in our eyes as we said our vows. I remember walking over to the statue of the Virgin Mary and praying for a family that was happy and healthy and blessed. I remember my little cousins as the ring bearer and flower girl-they were so adorable!
Never did I dream that when we said "till death do us part" that it would actually happen to us. I never imagined a world without you. I imagined growing old together celebrating milestone after milestone. We dreamed of putting down "roots" like you never really got to do. We imagined raising our kids around my family....the huge rambuncious loving lot of them. Never did I dream that I would be fulfilling our dreams without you.
When I pledged to love and honor you all the days of my life, I imagined that you would be by my side, returning the same love and honor to me.
When I pledged to love you from this day forward, for better for worse rich or for poor, in sickness, in health, as long as we both shall live-I never imagined our marrige would be cut short.
But it has. We are both not living, you are dead and I am not. I love you, I will always love you all the days of my life. But I am here and you are not. It breaks my heart that you aren't here and that we are no longer husband and wife (although I guess technically, in the eyes of the church we are still married, I can't think of a reason to file an annullment)
So to honor you today, I will remember your love for me, your dedication to me, your loyalty to me. I am honored to have been your wife. I am blessed in so many ways and my heart is so full of love for you it aches. I always looked forward to the letters that you would write to me. I miss that. I have them all in binders. I do believe that I actually kept every letter that you ever wrote to me. When I cleaned out your nightstand, I was relieved to see that you had also kept my letters. I thought I was the only crazy pack rat in our house ;). I haven't read them for a long time, but I have most of them memorized. You had such a beautiful way with words.
It is heart wrenching for me that you are gone, but honestly I have to remind myself that I am still here. I am still raising our child and I have to go on with life enough for the both of us.
Love Always,
Your Irish Princess
14 years ago today I met you at the altar. It was a fairy tale wedding...quite simple and elegant. I remember your big smile. The church was still decorated for Easter, the music was perfect. Our family and friends were all there (even the ones who pledged that they would not come!) I remember that our voices shook and we both had tears of joy in our eyes as we said our vows. I remember walking over to the statue of the Virgin Mary and praying for a family that was happy and healthy and blessed. I remember my little cousins as the ring bearer and flower girl-they were so adorable!
Never did I dream that when we said "till death do us part" that it would actually happen to us. I never imagined a world without you. I imagined growing old together celebrating milestone after milestone. We dreamed of putting down "roots" like you never really got to do. We imagined raising our kids around my family....the huge rambuncious loving lot of them. Never did I dream that I would be fulfilling our dreams without you.
When I pledged to love and honor you all the days of my life, I imagined that you would be by my side, returning the same love and honor to me.
When I pledged to love you from this day forward, for better for worse rich or for poor, in sickness, in health, as long as we both shall live-I never imagined our marrige would be cut short.
But it has. We are both not living, you are dead and I am not. I love you, I will always love you all the days of my life. But I am here and you are not. It breaks my heart that you aren't here and that we are no longer husband and wife (although I guess technically, in the eyes of the church we are still married, I can't think of a reason to file an annullment)
So to honor you today, I will remember your love for me, your dedication to me, your loyalty to me. I am honored to have been your wife. I am blessed in so many ways and my heart is so full of love for you it aches. I always looked forward to the letters that you would write to me. I miss that. I have them all in binders. I do believe that I actually kept every letter that you ever wrote to me. When I cleaned out your nightstand, I was relieved to see that you had also kept my letters. I thought I was the only crazy pack rat in our house ;). I haven't read them for a long time, but I have most of them memorized. You had such a beautiful way with words.
It is heart wrenching for me that you are gone, but honestly I have to remind myself that I am still here. I am still raising our child and I have to go on with life enough for the both of us.
Love Always,
Your Irish Princess
missing summer vacation....
Here we are 10 weeks before the start of summer vacation, and I struggle yet again to balance everything. Daycare offers a program, very expensive and tons of video game time. Not what I really want him doing for the summer.
Other programs around town are less expensive, but don't necessarily have anyone on staff that knows what to do for an astham attack. Can't even consider those. Nope...his attacks are far too frequent.
So I think back, what did we do as kids? HMMM....well we spent it with mom at the beach while dad worked. We went to the library with our grandfather while the younger kiddos napped. We went to the beach everyday and ran around. I don't believe we even had a TV at the lake house and it didn't matter. We played wiffle ball, rollerskated, played bubbles, caught lightning bugs and hunted for snipes. (they are a little brown bird that tastes like chicken, no really, go look it up!)
We did everything Robert and I imagined our child would get to do. And would have done if he was still here...he was a teacher and even with everything he had to do, he still had a solid 6 weeks off and he would have had great adventures with Munchkin in those six weeks. I still would have had to work, but munchkin would not have had to be in a day care or camp program.
Man does that hurt me. It hurts me to realize that even though I miss Robert everyday-that now Munchkin is at the age where he is missing out on things because Robert is dead. It is to the point where I don't think that I am enough. I do the best I can. We play, we run we read, we have family time just the two of us and we enjoy each other. We do crazy things like drive around in the snow with hot cocoa and look at Christmas lights, we go to the beach A LOT! (probably more than we should....it isn't our house after all...) But there are things that I cannot replicate on my own. I can't be both at work and providing for us and home with him for the summer. I couldn't take a vacation with him on spring break and be able to afford to pay what I need to for the summer.
I have to be ok with the simple fact that I am doing the best that I can with what I have to do it with.
Other programs around town are less expensive, but don't necessarily have anyone on staff that knows what to do for an astham attack. Can't even consider those. Nope...his attacks are far too frequent.
So I think back, what did we do as kids? HMMM....well we spent it with mom at the beach while dad worked. We went to the library with our grandfather while the younger kiddos napped. We went to the beach everyday and ran around. I don't believe we even had a TV at the lake house and it didn't matter. We played wiffle ball, rollerskated, played bubbles, caught lightning bugs and hunted for snipes. (they are a little brown bird that tastes like chicken, no really, go look it up!)
We did everything Robert and I imagined our child would get to do. And would have done if he was still here...he was a teacher and even with everything he had to do, he still had a solid 6 weeks off and he would have had great adventures with Munchkin in those six weeks. I still would have had to work, but munchkin would not have had to be in a day care or camp program.
Man does that hurt me. It hurts me to realize that even though I miss Robert everyday-that now Munchkin is at the age where he is missing out on things because Robert is dead. It is to the point where I don't think that I am enough. I do the best I can. We play, we run we read, we have family time just the two of us and we enjoy each other. We do crazy things like drive around in the snow with hot cocoa and look at Christmas lights, we go to the beach A LOT! (probably more than we should....it isn't our house after all...) But there are things that I cannot replicate on my own. I can't be both at work and providing for us and home with him for the summer. I couldn't take a vacation with him on spring break and be able to afford to pay what I need to for the summer.
I have to be ok with the simple fact that I am doing the best that I can with what I have to do it with.
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