Memories and Maps

This weekend my cousin and his family posted that they were at a restaurant.  The map showed up in my Facebook feed and it stopped me in my tracks.   They were a few miles from the accident site. 

After all these years, seeing the coordinates on the map still caused my heart to stop.  All I could think of was how close their beautiful family was to the site that shattered my family.  It was a Sunday midmorning.  They were out as a family.   I knew in the rational part of my brain that the similarities ended there--but my mind played the "WHAT IF" game.  And as if that wasn't torture enough for me, I started having flashbacks of the accident. 

I texted them to have safe travels home--I am sure that they probably knew why--all of my family knows where the accident happened.  

I spent the rest of the day telling myself that everything would be fine for them.  I knew that lightening doesn't strike twice in the same place so to speak.   In all honesty, I think it was just seeing the street name after all these years.  It isn't like I have forgotten-but sometimes the reminders just reach up and grab me.

The accident played through my mind for the better part of the day.  It took all of my concentration to focus on today, on the here and now.  I did but this time it was harder and I am not quite sure why.  I know that it is ok and I know that there are  some things will always be hard--perhaps I should just learn to expect the hard every once in a while.   

Family Trip

I am packing us up to head out of town for spring break.  It has been a rough two weeks with Munchkin being sick and work being busy. oh and me having a broken wrist...makes typing kind of hard to do efficiently!  I honestly haven't had time to really plan or pack. 

I realized tonight as I was running through my lists in my head, that exactly six years ago to the day, the three of us were packing up and heading out of town for our first family weekend.  We were excited to be a family of three taking a trip for the first time.   If you are following me, you likely know that it didn't end well at all...(see here)

There are times where it still seems surreal everything that happened.  Then there are times where I feel like I am in a dream.  Like tonight, getting ready and realizing that I really am in this alone.  We are a family of two. 

I am having a hard time putting my feelings into words.   In ways it feels like the crash was eons ago and happened to someone else.  Some poor girl had her life shattered on the side of the road.  When I look at how far I have come, it really feels like it was someone other than me. 

I remember the broken feelings and I remember how much they hurt, and I take a breath and focus on my life now.   My life is not bad, in fact it is far better than I imagined that it would be.   There are parts of my heart that are still broken and shattered, but they are overshadowed by the parts of me that are grateful. 

So, as I approach the "angel-versary" as it is commonly called, I will focus on the positive and the grateful.  I will focus on the fact that I was loved well and that Munchkin was cherished by two parents even though I am the only one here.  

Memories and remembering

My cousin is graciously putting together a family calendar for everyone.  One calendar with a page for each family that belongs to one of The TEN.  Yep, my dad is one of ten kids, you did read thy correctly.  

I procrastinated.  I didn't send her anything of our family (mom, dad, siblings, nieces and nephews).  I really dropped the ball. 

She posted a preview.  On our family page was a ton of pictures but smack dab in the middle was my wedding picture.   Robert and I smiling.   My heart swelled.  Here, in our family calendar without being asked to do so, she included him.   

I can't express how much that means to me.  There are so many times I feel like my marriage and my husband gets forgotten and yet, here is a reminder that other people around me do remember.  

I'm feeling so loved by such a simple gesture.  My heart is full and I am delighting in the fact that people besides me have sweet memories of Robert and of he two of us together.  

Mommy What is a Coffin?

Munchkin is inquisitive.  That is putting it nicely.  He asks a million questions a day.   This morning we were driving to go let my brother's dog out while he is out of town and we spotted someone packing away Halloween Decorations. 

This prompted a series of questions...

Munchkin: Mommy, what's a coffin?
Me: It is something that you put someone in after they die.
Munchkin: Did you have to put daddy in a coffin?
Me: Yes baby.
Munchkin:  I don't think he would have liked that.
Me: Probably not.
Munchkin: What did Daddy's coffin look like?
Me: It was silver with blue lining
Munchkin: Oh, Well Count Dracula's was black with red inside.  Red is my favorite color. 


See while Munchkin has asked his questions in passing and has now moved on to putting together a lego set,  my brain is now trying to force back the memories that I have tucked away. Some memories  are just too much to bear and entirely too painful to keep remembering.   

The memories of walking into a funeral home and telling the person that I needed to make arrangements for my husband.  

The chaos that followed that I am not even prepared to write about, and I don't know if I ever will.

Getting up from the table and walking out of the room trying to find solace and wake myself from what surely was a nightmare.   Only I found myself lost in a room of coffins sobbing.  My father came and sat by me.  I sobbed so hard.  I could hardly breathe.  Even now, five years later, these memories are so powerful and nearly debilitating. 

I remember telling everyone that I highly doubted that we would be able to have an open casket because of the devastation of the accident. 

I remember the next day when his body arrived and I had to go confirm that it was him, crying with relief that they were able to make his face, head and neck presentable enough for an open casket.  I will forever be grateful to the organ procurement team for doing that.  As horrible as it was, I can't imagine if I had not been able to touch his hair one more time or rest my hand on the side of his face where it was made to fit perfectly.  The edge of my palm fit along his jaw and my fingers reached behind his ear to caress him softly.  It is one of the things that I miss most of him.  How our bodies were MADE to fit together.

Don't forget the memories of the wake.  Of actually SEEING Robert in a coffin.  The finality of that.   There really are not words to describe seeing your soul mate dead and cold.  Memories of  my family and our friends.  The eulogies that were delivered.  Seeing his sweet innocent students who were no bigger than munchkin is now, kneeling and praying the rosary.  Handing me hand written notes of how much they loved their "Mr. Bob"  For most of these kids, Mr. Bob dying was the first time that they had lost someone, and they all loved him. 

Memories of my laughing baby boy in my arms at the very end of the wake.   I was holding him near the coffin and he was laughing.  He was calling Daddy, Daddy and tried to leap from my eyes into the coffin on top of Robert.  I let him touch him and all he did is laugh.  I fainted, my dad caught me and Munchkin.  To say that attending my husband's wake was life altering does not nearly serve it justice.  It doesn't convey the weight of that cataclysmic point in time.

I realize that all Munchkin didn't understand then, he asks questions to try and understand now.  I also know that it is my job to help him understand the inexplicable.

He will take his cues from me and he will grow to know about the world from me.  So, now I will take a deep breath, wipe away my tears, pour another cup of coffee and go build a lego castle.  I will wait for the next series of questions and until then, I will keep myself in the present moment. 

Past, Present and Future....

This past weekend, one of Munchkin's scouting outings was at Robert's Alma Mater.  It coincided with 15 years to the day of when we got engaged and celebrated our engagement with a mass at the Abbey across from campus.  We were actually engaged the day before, but you know being the busybody that I am, I had gotten us Bears tickets as a surprise for him and he had planned our engagement.  In light of the Bears game, he had to push our engagement celebrations over a few days.  I was perfect.  

Fifteen years ago, I was looking forward to a wonderful long marriage together.  Today, I am an only parent.  It was a day filled of memories.  Filled of ghosts of the past on that campus. 

I made a decision.   Munchkin and I were there to do scouts.  He was there to have fun with his friends and really I didn't think it would have been fair of me to share my ghosts with him.  So I didn't.  I did post on Facebook so that my grown up friends knew what I was thinking, but I hid my sorrow from my little boy in his Tiger Cub uniform.  He was busy being a boy with his friends and he deserves to have his time unburdened by my memories.  Right, wrong or indifferent, I try very hard to have balance in our lives.   Instead of dragging us through the past and opening old wounds, I try to keep us grounded in the present.  When Munchkin asks questions, I answer them honestly and truthfully.   He goes through phases where he asks lots of questions and then times when he doesn't ask any.  I try and follow his lead-I figure he will ask what he wants to know and as long as I answer him, he will keep asking. 

As I was helping clean up, the skies opened to a spectacular display of rays of light shining down from heaven.  I know Robert was with me.  I know he lives on in my heart, and the visual was just a simple affirmation for me.   Let me tell you, the pictures below, don't do it justice.  It was as if the rays were reaching down and touching the stadium. 

It is decidedly odd to have my life come full circle.  A place I shared with Robert that brought us great joy, is now a place I shared with Munchkin.   It is such a dichotomy-to have a place of joy with each of them, that they don't get to share together.   I am having a hard time describing what that feels like, which is weird because it pretty much encompasses my life.   I shared joy with Robert, I now share joy with Munchkin yet, I am the only commonality between the two of them.   Robert doesn't get to help raise his son whom he wished and wished to have for so many years.  

At any rate, I take a deep breath and just try to enjoy it for what it is-the daily goings on of my life. 

Sometimes the tears still sting

I heard a song tonight that I haven't heard in a long time.   It belongs in another chapter of my life,   At first I didn't recognize the actual song, I did however recognize the memory.   I was transported back to my living room back in Texas.   Robert and I used to dance and sing for no reason and for no occasion other than we were in love.  We had fun.  We were silly, we were goofy and we were in love.  We were so in love, there really aren't words to quantify the emotions. 

"Tell you a story, happened long time ago..." 

"Little bitty pretty one, I've been watching you grow!"

 

For a split second I closed my eyes and I could feel him.  Feel his cheek on mine, his hand on the small of my back and his other hand entwined in mine.  I could feel his breath on my neck as we sang together.   I could feel the vibration of the music and see the puppies dancing around our feet.   For a brief instant the memory was so vivid it was almost tangible.  I could smell him, hear his laugh.  I could feel him.  Then I opened my eyes and it was gone.   In a split second I snapped back to reality.   The world is now without Robert. 

So here I sit tonight remembering, listening to some of our songs.   The songs that were so integral to our marriage, to our life.   Songs that will forever be associated with US.
 

I sit here alone and the tears are barely held back.  Just barely.  They are hot stinging tears...every so often, one slips silently down my cheek and when Robert isn't here to wipe it away, it hits again and again that he is gone.  He is not here to hold me, to put his hand at the base of my neck and use his thumb to wipe my tears.  He isn't here to tell me he loves me.     I miss the comfort of his love and protection.   I miss the fun  we used to have.   

All I have is my memories, so I will sit with those awhile and know that tomorrow is a new day, and perhaps tomorrow's memory will bring a smile instead of a tear.  

missing summer vacation....

Here we are 10 weeks before the start of summer vacation, and I struggle yet again to balance everything.   Daycare offers a program, very expensive and tons of video game time.  Not what I really want him doing for the summer. 

Other programs around town are less expensive, but don't necessarily have anyone on staff that knows what to do for an astham attack.  Can't even consider those.  Nope...his attacks are far too frequent. 

So I think back, what did we do as kids?  HMMM....well we spent it with mom at the beach while dad worked.  We went to the library with our grandfather while the younger kiddos napped.  We went to the beach everyday and ran around.   I don't believe we even had a TV at the lake house and it didn't matter.  We played wiffle ball, rollerskated, played bubbles, caught lightning bugs and hunted for snipes.  (they are a little brown bird that tastes like chicken, no really, go look it up!)

We did everything Robert and I imagined our child would get to do.  And would have done if he was still here...he was a teacher and even with everything he had to do, he still had a solid 6 weeks off and he would have had great adventures with Munchkin in those six weeks.   I still would have had to work, but munchkin would not have had to be in a day care or camp program. 

Man does that hurt me.   It hurts me to realize that even though I miss Robert everyday-that now Munchkin is at the age where he is missing out on things because Robert is dead.  It is to the point where I don't think that I am enough.  I do the best I can.  We play, we run we read, we have family time just the two of us and we enjoy each other.   We do crazy things like drive around in the snow with hot cocoa and look at Christmas lights, we go to the beach A LOT! (probably more than we should....it isn't our house after all...) But there are things that I cannot replicate on my own.  I can't be both at work and providing for us and home with him for the summer.  I couldn't take a vacation with him on spring break and be able to afford to pay what I need to for the summer.  

I have to be ok with the simple fact that I am doing the best that I can with what I have to do it with. 

Soft Smiles

The other day, Munchkin and I got in the car after sledding.   When I turned the key, the song hit me...

I'll be your dream
I'll be your wish I'll be your fantasy
I'll be your hope I'll be your love
Be everything that you need
I'll love you more with every breath
Truly, madly, deeply do
I will be strong I will be faithful
'cause I'm counting on
A new beginning
A reason for living
A deeper meaning, yeah

Wow, what a slap in the face.  I was immediately transported back to one of our dates.  It was a snowy day and we were down at the Naperville River Walk.  We had been walking hand in hand admiring the snow.  Robert had picked up a snowball and thrown it into the river.  All of the geese dove for it thinking it was food and we just laughed and laughed at that. 

When we got in his truck, this song was on and he started to serenade me.   This became one of our songs. 

As I let a soft smile spread across my lips, the second verse came on.

And when the stars are shining
brightly in the velvet sky,
I'll make a wish send it to heaven
Then make you want to cry
The tears of joy for all the
pleasure and the certainty
That we're surrounded by the
comfort and protection of
The highest powers
In lonely hours
The tears devour you

I could not help myself.  It was as if I was hearing that verse clearly for the very first time.   I silent tear slid down my cheek.   Who would have known that 16 years later that those words would ring so true for us and for our love.  "I'll make a wish send it to heaven then make you want to cry"  "That we're surrounded by the comfort and protection of the highest powers, in lonely hours, the tears devour you".   I never would have imagined that snowy day 16 years ago, that I would listen to this same song 16 years later and have it touch my heart so poignantly.  

Munchkin who had not yet buckled his seat belt, leaned forward.
"Mommy, you have water on your cheek!" He said as he wiped away my tear. 
"Mommy, that isn't water, why are you crying?"

I told him that I missed Daddy.  His answer, "Mommy, just forget about him, he loves us from Heaven!"
Wow, such simple words and so simply put.   A few years ago, this would have torn through my heart.  Today, however, I can see that Munchkin simply wanted me to be happy, to be present with him instead of stuck in the longing of what we have lost.   Today, I can hear him loud and clear and understand his desire.   I am grateful that I can see his perspective and even more grateful that I want the same thing.   I want to be present for him.  I want to be here for my child and I want to be happy.   I know that it won't change how much I miss Robert, it won't change any of the facts, that he is gone, that he died.   What it does change is ME.  My choice, my perspective, my attitude.  

And back to the song....

 

Oh can you see it baby?
You don't have to close your eyes
'Cause it's standing right
before you
All that you need will surely come

Sometimes the words of a child and simple lyrics of a song can mean just what your heart needs to hear.  

**All Lyrics are from "Truly, Madly, Deeply"  by Savage Garden, they retain their original copyrights***

Habit or Hapenstance?

There are times in life where I absolutely go onto autopilot.  Generally in a very sleep deprived state.  When autopilot kicks in, it tends to revert to the way things have always been...I mean I was married in 1999, he died in 2008.  I was 23 when we got married so pretty much all of my adult life was spent in our marriage. 

There are certain things that are "the way things were" and things that I do now differently.   For instance, we used to keep pans on the stove...he had back issues and it was easier for him.  I now have enough cabinet space to put everything away.   Tonight as I was doing the dishes, I noticed I had reverted to keeping stuff on the stove.  Mind you, my new house has the EXACT same stove and dishwasher that my old house had.  For just a minute it was an eerie reminiscence.  My stock pot (pretty much the only pot I kept!) was sitting on top of the stove.  Then I remembered, I was just too exhausted to take it down to the shelving in the laundry room last night.  For just a minute, my brain was transported to the way things were. 

I hosted Christmas Eve this year.  When I was shopping I was thinking about all of the times that we hosted Christmas Eve for our friends in Texas.   I shopped that way as well.   There is a particular cherry soda that is made in Cudahay, Wisconsin.  It used to be called Black Bear, but now it is Sprecher.   Robert LOVED Black Bear Cherry Soda!  When we went through Wisconsin to visit his brother we would stop and buy a case or two, maybe three if we had a bunch of room.   Now, I prefer the orange cream as do my brothers.  Well, when I made my purchase I instinctively included a 6 pack of the cherry.  Out of habit.  No rhyme or reason or conscious choice, just simply because I would have always done it in the past (well and I was completely sleep deprived then too!)   It is still sitting on my counter.   Well, not to be one to let things go to waste, I had one with dinner tonight...I really didn't know that taste buds could have memories.  I fought back a flood of memories and tears with the first sip.

Somehow, my mind and my body just know...they just know how things used to be...how they should have been.  Maybe while my heart and soul are starting to mend, I need to give the rest of me a little more time to get used to our new normal. 

TV and Reality

Ok, so I don't have a whole lot of time to watch TV...shocking I know!   I do have a few shows that I watch fairly regularly.   Private Practice has been at the top of that very short list for a while. 

Interestingly enough, the show has entertwined with my reality for a while.   There have been 2 widowers and a widow.   One of the widowers remarried and had a baby, he then died and she is now widowed.   I have watched how the show has done a decent job at trying to entertwine their sorrow into the show.  

This past week, Violet was speaking to friends of hers---she was flirted with by a man in a store and went running away in tears.   I totally relate to that....she cries a lot in the rest of the show....relate to that too.  Two things really struck me.  One scene she was in a breakroom crying and a friend tried to hug her becuase he didn't know what to say.  He then changed his mind and told her that 5 years ago, she would not have imagined that life would bring her to her dead husband, two years ago, she could not have imagined being a mother and a year ago she could not have imagined losing Pete.   He went on to tell her, that just becuase she can't see in her mind to look to tomorrow, that doesn't mean that it isn't there.   Her story doesn't end here. 

Now, realize that I am completely paraphrasing here.   But that mantra, really spoke to me.  It is one of those things that I have said to myself.   If someone had told me I would be a mother and a widow within the same twelve months, I would have thought that they were crazy...there was no way to imagine that ever happening.  

If someone had told me that I would survive and dare I say THRIVE in nearly five years of being alone....I would have that they were nutty....in those initial dark months, I could noth fathom surviving, let alone thriving, yet here we are. 

We have some days, and we have some bad days...but they are farther and farther between....sometimes I can go weeks, or months without crying now.  It doesn't change that I miss Robert fiercely.  It does not change the hole in my heart, it simply means that I have chosen to live in the present and to be present for myself and for my child.  

The episode ended with Violet speaking to her friends newborn baby girl.  She is telling her that life is a fairy tale...that she hopes her "story doesn't end with a dead prince".   She walks away and then turns around and comes back.  "Your story will NOT end with a dead prince, no fairy tale ends with a dead prince!"

That simple affirmation, while it may seem slightly morbid to some not acquainted with death and loss is really very hopeful.  

I had a fairy tale...I pray my fairy tale does not end with a dead prince either!

Putting Away Christmas..

Yesterday I put away our Christmas decorations.  Many of them were up for the first time since Christmas 2007. 

Robert and I had a few traditions.  First we bought a new ornament every year, we actually bought two most years, he was fond of the glass balls from Hallmark--I have a much more whimsical taste. 
We also made or purchased a piece to our village. 

Our only Christmas as a family of three was 2007.  Munchkin was 7 months old.  It was perfect.  Many of my decorations have not seen the light of day since that season. 

As I was moving into our new house, my mom and dad set up my tree with munchkin and his cousins.  They didn't know that I had not been putting all of the decorations up.  I noticed it, but let it go.   They stayed up all season.  I put them away yesterday. 

As I was packing things away into their boxes...yes...I am one of THOSE people, you know the ones who keep the original ornament boxes to re-use year after year.  I noticed something.  That I had kept up our traditions without really thinking much about it.  

You see, for the past five years, I have let munchkin pick out the ornaments.  I can see his tastes emerge and evolve.  This year it was Frosty the snowman, last year, Alvin, 2010 it was Mickey Mouse, 2009 it was Cars.  In 2008, I picked our ornament, it was a seashell with a pearl in it, it was pretty.  This year munchkin asked for two ornaments.  

The second one that he picked was a blue ball, it had a picture of Bethlehem and the north star.  I thought when he picked it, that Robert would have really liked it.   As I packed it away, I noticed, that along the bottom there were words.  It is the words to Silent Night.  That was Robert's all time favorite Christmas Carol!!! 

I guess after all this time and all of the tears, I can still find glimpses of him here and now, for the most part it makes me smile. 

The other thing that has become apparent, is that Munchkin loves Christmas!  He loves the story of the birth of Jesus, he loves Santa and he loves St Nicholas.  So much so, that as I was packing up, he pilfered my small musical Christmas Tree without me noticing.  When I put him to bed, I saw it on his bookshelf in his room.   I asked him how it got there. 

He replied "I put it there mommy, I want to have a little Christmas in my room all the time".  Little does he know, that is something his father would have done.  I put a smile on my face and tucked him in!

Janurary Widowed Blog Hop

I have really enjoyed doing this.  To all of you who have found my blog in this hop and keep coming back, thank you!  I hope that by sharing my story, that maybe just maybe someone can relate.   I know that I started this late in the game so to speak--I wrote in journals for the begining of my grief journey and just this last year started to share it with the rest of you.  To this point, it has been a positive experience.   Please visit the links below.  All of these people have taken the time to share their thoughts and feelings-if you feel so inclined, I am sure that they would like to hear some positive feedback.  In the event that you are not widowed, perhaps visitng these sites will give you some insight into the daily thoughts and activities of people just trying to make it. 



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So at the end of this post, you will see a list of people who in spite of surviving unimaginable tragedies, they thrive and have something to say. They have the courage to share their world with the rest of us and I ask that you take a look at what they have to say.

Maybe, just maybe you may learn something new, or find a new idea. You may find some laughter and you may find some tears, but at the end, you will be sharing a glimpse into a world that none of us would like to belong to.

The details are below:


How to Participate:
1. Visit each of the links below – both hosts and participants – and read their post. Leave them a comment with encouragement, commiseration, community, or however else the post touches you.

Hosts:
Samantha of the Crazy Courage blog
Janine of One Breath At A Time
Rachel of A Little Pink in a World of Camo
Christine of Widow Island
Kiki of Life After Steve
Robin of The Fresh Widow
Ferree of Widow’s Christian Place
Brooke of 2 Peas in the Pod
Paul of Death is an Imposter
Red’s Momma’s Money Matters
Becky’s Choosing Grace Today
Participants:
Cindy’s Widow’s Pursuits
Tim’s Diary of a Widower
The Official Site of Abel Keogh

2. In the comment section of the hosts’ sites, leave a link to any related post, for example on the day-to-day issues you face, memories you have of your spouse, events you’ve attended, etc. These are things many of us discuss via our blogs anyway, so it likely won’t be out of your realm of experience.

3. It would really help us get the word out about the Widowed Blog Hop if you would tweet, share, and spread the word about the Hop! Please use hashtags #Widowed and #BlogHop.

Perfect moment in December

~~~~~

Perfect Moment Monday is about noticing a perfect moment rather than creating one. Perfect moments can be momentous or ordinary or somewhere in between.

On the last Monday of each month we engage in mindfulness about something that is right with our world. Everyone is welcome to join.

To participate in Perfect Moment Monday:

Follow Write Mind Open Heart.
Write up your own Perfect Moment and post it on your blog (or other site).
Use LinkyTools below to enter your name (or blog name), the URL of your Perfect Moment post, and a thumbnail image if desired.
Visit the Perfect Moments of others and let the writers know you were there with some comment currency.
Once you make a Perfect Moment post , you may place this button on your blog.What Perfect Moment have you recently been aware of? Visit these moments of others and share your comment love.

The next Perfect Moment Monday event will begin January 28.

(Cross-posted on BlogHer.)



1. Feeling Beachie

2. BereavedBlessed

3. Aloha/Thank God

4. Choosing grace




My perfect moment for December was on Christmas morning, As I sat and watched my son open his presents. I was soaking in his joy. He loves Legos and games so everything he got was a hit. He was so excited. I looked around our new house and looked at him and my heart was full of contentment. He opened his stocking and started chomping on candy canes. He even offered me a sticky half of the one he opened. He was in awe at the gifts that Santa left. He was beyond excited to give me the mini treasure chest he picked out all by himself at the Santa Secret workshop at school.

It was cold outside, the Christmas tree was lit, coffee was brewing. We finished and made pancakes together. We ate our breakfast and went to build Legos. I marveled at the fact that I am now relegated to the role of onlooker. He wants me nearby, but doesn't really need the help in assembling the sets. I realize that no matter how much i would like it to, this wont last forever and I marvel at his reading skills!

For those simple moments, it didn't matter that it is only two of us, the car accident didn't matter and my worry about whether I am enough didn't matter. What mattered was that I am present in the moment to experience magic with him--candy cane kisses, sticky hands and all!