Monday, April 17, 2017

Enough

 Today we would've been married 18 years. Sometimes it seems like that was a lifetime ago. Robert has now been dead longer than we were ever married and I find that very hard to swallow.   At this point I don't know what life would be like if you were still here. I have been an only parent so long that it is hard for me to imagine it any other way.

 We were married just a few weeks short of nine years a few weeks ago it was nine years since he died. The world is different now very different.    As time is past some memories have faded thankfully however, it is still hard to believe that he has missed so much .

 In the last few months we really could've used him.    Don't give me wrong I do miss him every day and I wish she was here often but the last few months have been exceptionally hard.    Hard not just on me but on munchkin as well.    Don't get me wrong my siblings are awesome and they've really  it It has been 18 years since we were married. It has been nine years since he died. These last few months have been hard really hard. Hard not just for me but for munchkin as well. My siblings have been there for us-but it is almost comical when your brother or brother-in-law gets mistaken for your husband.    It is even more amusing because we really do look alike there's no way to not know that we are related in someway shape or form.  

 On munchkin's last hospital stay he was actually well enough to go to the toy room and they had a PS4-something he doesn't have at home. The game he picked was need for speed and he played that for several hours over a few days. I am not a video game person but I did sit next to him and cheer him on and try to  stay engaged.   I couldn't help but wish that Robert we're here to play with him. As hard as those few weeks of been I know that the two of them would've bonded over It and it made me miss him all the more.

 I was reflecting on all of the things that Robert is missing out on  and all of the things that munchkin is missing simply because he is not here.   Munchkin is of the age where video games and cool cars rule. He is constantly looking up stats on cars and deciding what He thinks is "sweet" and I know if Robert were here he be doing that right along with him. Don't get me wrong I can holdk my own I know what American muscle is and I certainly do enjoy cars  but I know that Robert would've loved this. He was built to be a father and yet he has missed out on nine years of parenting the easy stuff and the hard stuff and it simply is not fair.

While 18 years is a long time these last nine have been a lifetime, munchkins lifetime.   It isn't lost on me how much he is missed. All I can do is hope and pray that I am enough, that I do enough, and that munchkin knows  just how much he is loved.


Thursday, March 30, 2017

Nine Years

9 years ago this morning, my life changed.  It shattered. For several years I could not see the daylight, I saw the world rushing past me and moving on and it hurt and ached and it was painful.   I had lost Robert and I could not see how it was ever going to be ok.  Fast forward to now.  It isn't ok that he died, it will never be ok.  BUT I have found a way to do more than just function, I have found  ways to find joy and gratitude in everyday life.  I have worked hard to let go of the negativity that consumed me after the crash the reminder that horrible things, unexplicable things happen every day and they are tragic and life altering.  That is a lesson that no one wants a reminder of (including me).  so for today--for all of you who knew Robert, I ask you to smile, think of his big kind smile and do something unexpected and kind in his memory.  For me, please do not leave things unsaid--tell the people around you that you love them, that they mean something to you.  One of my most grateful things is that my last words to Robert were "I love you".  Not by choice or chance, but because we said and expressed it to each other daily.  There is comfort for me in that.  This year-he has been gone longer than we were married-I have been an only parent for longer than I was his wife.  I know how much he has missed--our boy is almost TEN--which seems unimaginable when I catch a glimpse of a picture of Robert holding our sweet baby boy. For all of you who are still with me today--friends old and new, thank you for sticking by my side.   For my family--I would not be where I am today without you <3