Several months ago I took a new position. This now allows me to work from home. It was a VERY scary step for me. I left a decent paying job, for something a little unknown at the time. All I knew was that my old job was making me so miserable and invading into our family time so much that SOMETHING needed to give. After much prayer and asking God for guidance, I made the leap. I worked an extra 6 weeks at my old job to give them the opportunity to find a replacement.
I should not have waited so long! Now, I have the privilege of walking Munchkin to and from school everyday and I get the opportunity to visit with other parents whose jobs allow them the same privilege. This is an accommodation that I NEVER would have received at my old company. I knew in my heart that Munchkin wasn't getting enough sleep, we were out the door before 7 am every morning and we frequently didn't get home until after 6:30-and he was asleep by 7:30. We had nearly no time.
Another byproduct of working at home, is that when he is sick, I don't have to scramble at 6 am and beg my parents or siblings to split a day off with me. I knew this going in, but I didn't really realize how profound this was until recently.
This school year already we have had a bout of strep, a sinus infection and two asthma exacerbations...overall we are doing GREAT! Then last week we had full blown bronchitis.
Breathing treatments every 2-3 hours around the clock with several different meds to ensure that he could breathe...lots of whining and cuddling all night long because he plain didn't feel well. Last fall, I still would have had to drag myself out of the house and go to work after the first day or two and I would have had to have left him with my mom, dad or sister or brother. There was no way around it, I didn't have 75 vacation days a year to stay home every time he was sick.
This time it was different. I have the luxury of working when I can and being measured on the results of my work, not the amount of time that I am in my chair in the office.
When I was at the pediatrician, he asked me if I needed a note for work. It hit me, I no longer had to worry about whether I needed to file for FMLA. I didn't have to calculate how many hours I could be in the office and when to make it not count as a vacation day. I now have a boss that is compassionate and understanding and actually understands that I am much more productive when I am not having to worry about the number of hours I am in my seat.
I am beyond grateful to have that stress removed from our lives. So grateful, I cannot even find the words to express it. I am so grateful, that I think that I actually work harder knowing that they care about me and my family and that they have thus far shown me that with their actions. I really don't feel like I am being given lip service about family/life balance, I truly believe that this is where I am meant to be.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Beep in the Night!
One of the things that I will never understand is why things with batteries malfunction and make loud noises between the hours of two and four am. I swear, if I didn't know better, I would claim that it was a conspiracy!
The other night at 3:12 am, I hear an alarm go off. I jolted awake! I thought that it was the smoke alarm in the hallway. I literally leapt out of bed and ran from my room. I went and grabbed Munchkin from his bed and had him in my arms in a split second from the sound of the alarm. As I got to where the smoke detector was, I realized that it wasn't going off.
I looked up and the light was green and it wasn't blaring at me-it was some other fool alarm in the house. I laid Munchkin back into his bed still asleep confident that we were not burning to the ground and went on a search. I looked at the CO detectors and they were all green, but there was still a blaring beep coming from somewhere!
One of the CO detectors, even though it showed green that there was no CO present, was blaring at me. I unplugged it and it continued to blare at me. I looked at it in my hands and swore at it. Loudly. I was trying to read the small print on the back of it that tells me what it wants. Concentration at 3 am is barely functional at best. Couple that with a blaring object in your hands, and well, I felt like I tried for 20 minutes to understand what the machine said.
In small print, it tells you if it gives you four loud beeps every 15 seconds and is showing RED to call 911. Well that wasn't it.
If there is a "chirp" every 25 seconds it needs a new battery. Battery??? oh, yeah, I decided a battery back up was a good idea. Only this was not "chirping" it was a siren blaring into my brain.
In extra small print. "Approximately 5 years after being put into service, the unit will alarm to let you know that it is time to be replaced"
Alarm. That is more like it. Ok, so 5 years ago at 3 am someone decided to plug in a CO detector for the first time??? Really, who does this at 3 am.
So I am still looking at the thing in my hands, and I am trying to get the battery out, only you can't just remove batteries anymore, you actually need a screwdriver. I figured it would be the same handy dandy screwdriver that I keep in the kitchen for changing toy batteries. I go digging for it.
Nope, that isn't even close to fitting. This is a microscopic screw that is preventing me from shutting this thing off!
So I trek outside to the garage, in the dark, hoping that a raccoon, fox or some other animal doesn't follow me into the garage to dig through tool boxes. I finally find a screw driver and get the battery out and silence the alarm.
By this time, I am wide awake, freezing and irritated-but I realize that I have averted disaster and solved a homeowner issue on my own in the middle of the night without calling anyone to rescue me.
As irritated as I am, I solved the problem and fixed it and know that I can go to the store tomorrow and get a replacement unit, and now I know what the ALARM sounds like in the middle of the night. I have also reassured myself that I will awake to an alarm in the night and be cognizant enough to grab Munchkin and get us out. I calm my irritation and go back to bed content. I also make a mental note that I should have a bigger variety of screwdrivers readily available in the house for the next thing that starts to go bonkers at an odd hour.
The other night at 3:12 am, I hear an alarm go off. I jolted awake! I thought that it was the smoke alarm in the hallway. I literally leapt out of bed and ran from my room. I went and grabbed Munchkin from his bed and had him in my arms in a split second from the sound of the alarm. As I got to where the smoke detector was, I realized that it wasn't going off.
I looked up and the light was green and it wasn't blaring at me-it was some other fool alarm in the house. I laid Munchkin back into his bed still asleep confident that we were not burning to the ground and went on a search. I looked at the CO detectors and they were all green, but there was still a blaring beep coming from somewhere!
One of the CO detectors, even though it showed green that there was no CO present, was blaring at me. I unplugged it and it continued to blare at me. I looked at it in my hands and swore at it. Loudly. I was trying to read the small print on the back of it that tells me what it wants. Concentration at 3 am is barely functional at best. Couple that with a blaring object in your hands, and well, I felt like I tried for 20 minutes to understand what the machine said.
In small print, it tells you if it gives you four loud beeps every 15 seconds and is showing RED to call 911. Well that wasn't it.
If there is a "chirp" every 25 seconds it needs a new battery. Battery??? oh, yeah, I decided a battery back up was a good idea. Only this was not "chirping" it was a siren blaring into my brain.
In extra small print. "Approximately 5 years after being put into service, the unit will alarm to let you know that it is time to be replaced"
Alarm. That is more like it. Ok, so 5 years ago at 3 am someone decided to plug in a CO detector for the first time??? Really, who does this at 3 am.
So I am still looking at the thing in my hands, and I am trying to get the battery out, only you can't just remove batteries anymore, you actually need a screwdriver. I figured it would be the same handy dandy screwdriver that I keep in the kitchen for changing toy batteries. I go digging for it.
Nope, that isn't even close to fitting. This is a microscopic screw that is preventing me from shutting this thing off!
So I trek outside to the garage, in the dark, hoping that a raccoon, fox or some other animal doesn't follow me into the garage to dig through tool boxes. I finally find a screw driver and get the battery out and silence the alarm.
By this time, I am wide awake, freezing and irritated-but I realize that I have averted disaster and solved a homeowner issue on my own in the middle of the night without calling anyone to rescue me.
As irritated as I am, I solved the problem and fixed it and know that I can go to the store tomorrow and get a replacement unit, and now I know what the ALARM sounds like in the middle of the night. I have also reassured myself that I will awake to an alarm in the night and be cognizant enough to grab Munchkin and get us out. I calm my irritation and go back to bed content. I also make a mental note that I should have a bigger variety of screwdrivers readily available in the house for the next thing that starts to go bonkers at an odd hour.
Monday, November 4, 2013
When I grow up...
A few weeks ago, a baggie of frozen blueberries opened into the icemaker in my freezer. Instead of ice I got mashed messy blueberries. They have stained the ice chute, gotten caught in the machinery that moves the ice...They are all over my freezer...
Even though I have emptied it multiple times, we still get a surprise of frozen blueberries in our ice every once in a while. However now instead of a ton of mashed blueberries, you might get one or two random ones at a random time.
Yesterday Munchkin declared--"When I grow up I am hiding blueberries in my ice too Momma!"
I burst into a chuckle and asked him why.
"Because it is really cool to get a surprise in your ice and blueberries make everything better!"
He was emphatic and smiling.
How on earth can you argue with that! I love his perspective, instead of seeing a nuisance, he finds the surprise and relished the joy. I pray that he holds on to that as he grows older and remembers this into adulthood!
So when my Munchkin grows up and you go to visit him, expect the blueberries!
Even though I have emptied it multiple times, we still get a surprise of frozen blueberries in our ice every once in a while. However now instead of a ton of mashed blueberries, you might get one or two random ones at a random time.
Yesterday Munchkin declared--"When I grow up I am hiding blueberries in my ice too Momma!"
I burst into a chuckle and asked him why.
"Because it is really cool to get a surprise in your ice and blueberries make everything better!"
He was emphatic and smiling.
How on earth can you argue with that! I love his perspective, instead of seeing a nuisance, he finds the surprise and relished the joy. I pray that he holds on to that as he grows older and remembers this into adulthood!
So when my Munchkin grows up and you go to visit him, expect the blueberries!
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Mommy What is a Coffin?
Munchkin is inquisitive. That is putting it nicely. He asks a million questions a day. This morning we were driving to go let my brother's dog out while he is out of town and we spotted someone packing away Halloween Decorations.
This prompted a series of questions...
Munchkin: Mommy, what's a coffin?
Me: It is something that you put someone in after they die.
Munchkin: Did you have to put daddy in a coffin?
Me: Yes baby.
Munchkin: I don't think he would have liked that.
Me: Probably not.
Munchkin: What did Daddy's coffin look like?
Me: It was silver with blue lining
Munchkin: Oh, Well Count Dracula's was black with red inside. Red is my favorite color.
See while Munchkin has asked his questions in passing and has now moved on to putting together a lego set, my brain is now trying to force back the memories that I have tucked away. Some memories are just too much to bear and entirely too painful to keep remembering.
The memories of walking into a funeral home and telling the person that I needed to make arrangements for my husband.
The chaos that followed that I am not even prepared to write about, and I don't know if I ever will.
Getting up from the table and walking out of the room trying to find solace and wake myself from what surely was a nightmare. Only I found myself lost in a room of coffins sobbing. My father came and sat by me. I sobbed so hard. I could hardly breathe. Even now, five years later, these memories are so powerful and nearly debilitating.
I remember telling everyone that I highly doubted that we would be able to have an open casket because of the devastation of the accident.
I remember the next day when his body arrived and I had to go confirm that it was him, crying with relief that they were able to make his face, head and neck presentable enough for an open casket. I will forever be grateful to the organ procurement team for doing that. As horrible as it was, I can't imagine if I had not been able to touch his hair one more time or rest my hand on the side of his face where it was made to fit perfectly. The edge of my palm fit along his jaw and my fingers reached behind his ear to caress him softly. It is one of the things that I miss most of him. How our bodies were MADE to fit together.
Don't forget the memories of the wake. Of actually SEEING Robert in a coffin. The finality of that. There really are not words to describe seeing your soul mate dead and cold. Memories of my family and our friends. The eulogies that were delivered. Seeing his sweet innocent students who were no bigger than munchkin is now, kneeling and praying the rosary. Handing me hand written notes of how much they loved their "Mr. Bob" For most of these kids, Mr. Bob dying was the first time that they had lost someone, and they all loved him.
Memories of my laughing baby boy in my arms at the very end of the wake. I was holding him near the coffin and he was laughing. He was calling Daddy, Daddy and tried to leap from my eyes into the coffin on top of Robert. I let him touch him and all he did is laugh. I fainted, my dad caught me and Munchkin. To say that attending my husband's wake was life altering does not nearly serve it justice. It doesn't convey the weight of that cataclysmic point in time.
I realize that all Munchkin didn't understand then, he asks questions to try and understand now. I also know that it is my job to help him understand the inexplicable.
He will take his cues from me and he will grow to know about the world from me. So, now I will take a deep breath, wipe away my tears, pour another cup of coffee and go build a lego castle. I will wait for the next series of questions and until then, I will keep myself in the present moment.
This prompted a series of questions...
Munchkin: Mommy, what's a coffin?
Me: It is something that you put someone in after they die.
Munchkin: Did you have to put daddy in a coffin?
Me: Yes baby.
Munchkin: I don't think he would have liked that.
Me: Probably not.
Munchkin: What did Daddy's coffin look like?
Me: It was silver with blue lining
Munchkin: Oh, Well Count Dracula's was black with red inside. Red is my favorite color.
See while Munchkin has asked his questions in passing and has now moved on to putting together a lego set, my brain is now trying to force back the memories that I have tucked away. Some memories are just too much to bear and entirely too painful to keep remembering.
The memories of walking into a funeral home and telling the person that I needed to make arrangements for my husband.
The chaos that followed that I am not even prepared to write about, and I don't know if I ever will.
Getting up from the table and walking out of the room trying to find solace and wake myself from what surely was a nightmare. Only I found myself lost in a room of coffins sobbing. My father came and sat by me. I sobbed so hard. I could hardly breathe. Even now, five years later, these memories are so powerful and nearly debilitating.
I remember telling everyone that I highly doubted that we would be able to have an open casket because of the devastation of the accident.
I remember the next day when his body arrived and I had to go confirm that it was him, crying with relief that they were able to make his face, head and neck presentable enough for an open casket. I will forever be grateful to the organ procurement team for doing that. As horrible as it was, I can't imagine if I had not been able to touch his hair one more time or rest my hand on the side of his face where it was made to fit perfectly. The edge of my palm fit along his jaw and my fingers reached behind his ear to caress him softly. It is one of the things that I miss most of him. How our bodies were MADE to fit together.
Don't forget the memories of the wake. Of actually SEEING Robert in a coffin. The finality of that. There really are not words to describe seeing your soul mate dead and cold. Memories of my family and our friends. The eulogies that were delivered. Seeing his sweet innocent students who were no bigger than munchkin is now, kneeling and praying the rosary. Handing me hand written notes of how much they loved their "Mr. Bob" For most of these kids, Mr. Bob dying was the first time that they had lost someone, and they all loved him.
Memories of my laughing baby boy in my arms at the very end of the wake. I was holding him near the coffin and he was laughing. He was calling Daddy, Daddy and tried to leap from my eyes into the coffin on top of Robert. I let him touch him and all he did is laugh. I fainted, my dad caught me and Munchkin. To say that attending my husband's wake was life altering does not nearly serve it justice. It doesn't convey the weight of that cataclysmic point in time.
I realize that all Munchkin didn't understand then, he asks questions to try and understand now. I also know that it is my job to help him understand the inexplicable.
He will take his cues from me and he will grow to know about the world from me. So, now I will take a deep breath, wipe away my tears, pour another cup of coffee and go build a lego castle. I will wait for the next series of questions and until then, I will keep myself in the present moment.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Random Acts of Mercy and Disclosure
This morning started out as a whirlwind. Munchkin had a tournament and was extremely excited. This is the second time where he has competed at the next level up. We have two rules in our family when it comes to sports...
That is it. That is the extent of my expectations for him.
While today was a bit of a challenge. He was in a ring where he was outsized by a literal sixty pounds. I didn't think that there was any way that he would do well, and as I stood there and watched the kids get assigned to rings, I had in my mind, that there was no way that he was going to go up against these bigger kids. We had discussed previously, that in order for him to compete in these categories, that Mom has the right to pull him out and have him forfeit if I thought he could get hurt.
Well, as I stood there praying for guidance, one of the high ranking Senior Masters, pulled my Munchkin and stood him next to the biggest kid and took a picture and sent it to headquarters. I didn't really know what was happening, but she asked Munchkin where his parents were. He said that Daddy was dead, but Mommy was right there and pointed at me.
She walked over to me and said that she had requested a split ring based on size and that headquarters had agreed. She was extremely gracious and nice and I was thankful. Munchkin would not be walloped on by gargantuan 8 year olds (he is a very small 6!)
Senior Master was available around our ring and watched a few of the kids. I thought it a bit unusual. The high ranks generally watch and judge the other higher ranks, not the kids color belts. At the end of his competition, I thanked her and we made some small talk. And when I say high rank, this wonderful woman, is an extremely high rank!
She asked me if he was an only child-I said yes. She then told me that her father died when she and her brother were little. Her mother was widowed at 29 years old. I was floored. She went on to share some of her story with me and I had tears in my eyes. At one point she told me that she believes that it takes a village and at that moment Munchkin's teacher and my dear friend walked up.
I was engaged and fighting tears speaking to Senior Master, but handed her Munchkin's results slips and she was congratulating him. Senior Master asked me who he studied with and I reached for our instructor and gave her a hug. I told her, that we have a phenomenal family in our school and I felt very lucky. Senior Master went on to tell me how wonderful our instructor is.
This completely random encounter has left such an impression on me today. Someone whom I have never met, took the time to share her story and not only that, share how perfectly fine she and her brother are and that her mom was remarried and happy. Her words gave credence to the fact that kids can turn out okay in spite of the circumstances that the universe dumps on them.
She did share that he mom remarried after she and her brother were off to college, but she personally felt that she had wasted a lot of years. I told her that my belief is that if God has planned for someone else to be in our lives, then He will put them there. She said she would pray for us.
It feels as if the world had given me an affirmation at a time when I really needed to hear it. Our instructor looked at me with tears in her eyes and told me how proud she knows that Robert must be.
1. Have Fun!
2. Do your best!
That is it. That is the extent of my expectations for him.
While today was a bit of a challenge. He was in a ring where he was outsized by a literal sixty pounds. I didn't think that there was any way that he would do well, and as I stood there and watched the kids get assigned to rings, I had in my mind, that there was no way that he was going to go up against these bigger kids. We had discussed previously, that in order for him to compete in these categories, that Mom has the right to pull him out and have him forfeit if I thought he could get hurt.
Well, as I stood there praying for guidance, one of the high ranking Senior Masters, pulled my Munchkin and stood him next to the biggest kid and took a picture and sent it to headquarters. I didn't really know what was happening, but she asked Munchkin where his parents were. He said that Daddy was dead, but Mommy was right there and pointed at me.
She walked over to me and said that she had requested a split ring based on size and that headquarters had agreed. She was extremely gracious and nice and I was thankful. Munchkin would not be walloped on by gargantuan 8 year olds (he is a very small 6!)
Senior Master was available around our ring and watched a few of the kids. I thought it a bit unusual. The high ranks generally watch and judge the other higher ranks, not the kids color belts. At the end of his competition, I thanked her and we made some small talk. And when I say high rank, this wonderful woman, is an extremely high rank!
She asked me if he was an only child-I said yes. She then told me that her father died when she and her brother were little. Her mother was widowed at 29 years old. I was floored. She went on to share some of her story with me and I had tears in my eyes. At one point she told me that she believes that it takes a village and at that moment Munchkin's teacher and my dear friend walked up.
I was engaged and fighting tears speaking to Senior Master, but handed her Munchkin's results slips and she was congratulating him. Senior Master asked me who he studied with and I reached for our instructor and gave her a hug. I told her, that we have a phenomenal family in our school and I felt very lucky. Senior Master went on to tell me how wonderful our instructor is.
This completely random encounter has left such an impression on me today. Someone whom I have never met, took the time to share her story and not only that, share how perfectly fine she and her brother are and that her mom was remarried and happy. Her words gave credence to the fact that kids can turn out okay in spite of the circumstances that the universe dumps on them.
She did share that he mom remarried after she and her brother were off to college, but she personally felt that she had wasted a lot of years. I told her that my belief is that if God has planned for someone else to be in our lives, then He will put them there. She said she would pray for us.
It feels as if the world had given me an affirmation at a time when I really needed to hear it. Our instructor looked at me with tears in her eyes and told me how proud she knows that Robert must be.
Friday, November 1, 2013
The Perfect Leaf
Halloween for us kicks of the sprint through the end of the year. Life always goes more quickly than I would like, but now it kicks into warp speed!
This year is no different. I find myself looking around at all the things that need to get done and I start calculating when I can do them and dig in. I am ashamed to say that there are times that I plow through just to get done. It isn't how I would like things to work, but sometimes, there are only so many hours in a day and I need to be doing in order to keep us up and running on all cylinders!
However, in spite of that, I find little reminders to slow down.
Munchkin has been sick this week, so instead of trick or treating for hours, we did less than 10 houses of people we knew and then went and had dinner with my brother, his girlfriend, my sister and her husband. It was a ton of fun. Dinner was good and the company was even better. I felt contented to be surrounded by my siblings and for the first time, the tears didn't creep in to steal my joy. Not even when Munchkin carved his first pumpkin! It was nice to sit and have dinner and have Munchkin rough house with his uncles and run around squealing at hide and seek on a sugar high.
As Munchkin was rough housing with "guys" it was nice to just sit still for a few minutes!
Because Munchkin has food allergies, I have to check his candy to create a "safe pile". As I sorted-and he generously was handing candy out to the grown ups around him, I found a leaf. I looked at it quizzically and as I was about to toss it out--Munchkin said---Mommy can we keep it? It was on the sidewalk and it was little and perfect so I rescued it from the rain.
And you know what-it was a perfectly beautiful maple leaf.
So I kept it for him, and for me as a little reminder to slow down these next few weeks and look at everything around us!
I am so grateful for my little boy and all of the reminders and lessons that he brings be every step of the way!
This year is no different. I find myself looking around at all the things that need to get done and I start calculating when I can do them and dig in. I am ashamed to say that there are times that I plow through just to get done. It isn't how I would like things to work, but sometimes, there are only so many hours in a day and I need to be doing in order to keep us up and running on all cylinders!
However, in spite of that, I find little reminders to slow down.
Munchkin has been sick this week, so instead of trick or treating for hours, we did less than 10 houses of people we knew and then went and had dinner with my brother, his girlfriend, my sister and her husband. It was a ton of fun. Dinner was good and the company was even better. I felt contented to be surrounded by my siblings and for the first time, the tears didn't creep in to steal my joy. Not even when Munchkin carved his first pumpkin! It was nice to sit and have dinner and have Munchkin rough house with his uncles and run around squealing at hide and seek on a sugar high.
As Munchkin was rough housing with "guys" it was nice to just sit still for a few minutes!
Because Munchkin has food allergies, I have to check his candy to create a "safe pile". As I sorted-and he generously was handing candy out to the grown ups around him, I found a leaf. I looked at it quizzically and as I was about to toss it out--Munchkin said---Mommy can we keep it? It was on the sidewalk and it was little and perfect so I rescued it from the rain.
And you know what-it was a perfectly beautiful maple leaf.
So I kept it for him, and for me as a little reminder to slow down these next few weeks and look at everything around us!
I am so grateful for my little boy and all of the reminders and lessons that he brings be every step of the way!
Monday, October 14, 2013
An Innocent Wish
The other day, I was lucky enough to have a friend from out of town come to stay with us. It was an absolutely beautiful fall day and we decided to hit the outdoor shopping mall.
This particular mall has beautiful fountains and waterfalls everywhere. It is by far Munchkin's favorite place to shop. He loves to "balance and walk along the stair step waterfall fountain, jump through the mist that blows from the gigantic water fall, and touch the walls of water and reflecting pools.
It is pure bliss for him, and pure bliss for me to watch his face and hear his laughter as he explores the water and feels the mist on his face.
His other favorite pastime is to throw pennies for wishes. For him, it isn't just any coin, but specifically a penny that he needs. He was armed with pennies on that particular day.
This particular fountain is his favorite. It is about 3 feet high and the water runs down the sides.
At this particular fountain he made a silent wish. Silent wishes are either hilarious or heartbreaking depending on the day. My breath caught in my chest as he threw his penny and didn't announce his wish.
I asked him what his wish was and he told me that he couldn't tell me or it wouldn't come true.
UhOh!
This is so tricky. I racked my brain as to what he could have wished for. There are so many things that are precious about childhood-holding on to and believing in you wishes is top of that list!
I told him I would guess-he told me not to. In the past he has wished for a baby sister, a dog, a house, and with startling frequency God to send Daddy back from Heaven. My heart sunk. It sucks explaining that there are just some things that will never come true-no matter how earnest and innocent the wish is.
This is different from dashing the dreams of a child wanting a pet unicorn. Those you can use reason and realism and feel okay about telling them that unicorns are not real.
How do you explain to a six year old that Daddy can't ever come back from Heaven no matter how much we all would like him to? We are religious. I have to teach my child that God is compassionate and good even though he is the one who decided it was Time for Daddy to go to Heaven. Yeah, try explaining that to a grownup. Now try and explain that to a child.
Yet, everyday, all over the world, there are widowed parents having this same discussion. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. We do it with grace and kindness, we do it because we have to. Our children listen and understand as best they can.
Here I was bracing myself for this conversation yet again...Muchkin excitedly takes my hand...
"Mommy, I wished that I do well on my spelling test!"
Whew! The breath I didn't realize I was holding escapes.
This particular mall has beautiful fountains and waterfalls everywhere. It is by far Munchkin's favorite place to shop. He loves to "balance and walk along the stair step waterfall fountain, jump through the mist that blows from the gigantic water fall, and touch the walls of water and reflecting pools.
It is pure bliss for him, and pure bliss for me to watch his face and hear his laughter as he explores the water and feels the mist on his face.
His other favorite pastime is to throw pennies for wishes. For him, it isn't just any coin, but specifically a penny that he needs. He was armed with pennies on that particular day.
This particular fountain is his favorite. It is about 3 feet high and the water runs down the sides.
At this particular fountain he made a silent wish. Silent wishes are either hilarious or heartbreaking depending on the day. My breath caught in my chest as he threw his penny and didn't announce his wish.
I asked him what his wish was and he told me that he couldn't tell me or it wouldn't come true.
UhOh!
This is so tricky. I racked my brain as to what he could have wished for. There are so many things that are precious about childhood-holding on to and believing in you wishes is top of that list!
I told him I would guess-he told me not to. In the past he has wished for a baby sister, a dog, a house, and with startling frequency God to send Daddy back from Heaven. My heart sunk. It sucks explaining that there are just some things that will never come true-no matter how earnest and innocent the wish is.
This is different from dashing the dreams of a child wanting a pet unicorn. Those you can use reason and realism and feel okay about telling them that unicorns are not real.
How do you explain to a six year old that Daddy can't ever come back from Heaven no matter how much we all would like him to? We are religious. I have to teach my child that God is compassionate and good even though he is the one who decided it was Time for Daddy to go to Heaven. Yeah, try explaining that to a grownup. Now try and explain that to a child.
Yet, everyday, all over the world, there are widowed parents having this same discussion. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. We do it with grace and kindness, we do it because we have to. Our children listen and understand as best they can.
Here I was bracing myself for this conversation yet again...Muchkin excitedly takes my hand...
"Mommy, I wished that I do well on my spelling test!"
Whew! The breath I didn't realize I was holding escapes.
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