A closing and a Begining

This past week Munchkin completed Kindergarten.  I have had the privilege of volunteering in his classroom many times this year.  Over the past 9 months I have seen him and his classmate grow-both in size and in knowledge.

As I was walking him to school on the last day, I had the thought that this has been a transitional year for him.  He is transitioning from a small child into a kid.  The child who held my hand on the first day of school now knows the routine.  Where to go what to do and how to get along.  The child who didn't want to sit still, now sits patiently in his seat and does his work without being asked.

He is excited for the next school year and the next phase.  Instead of trepidation-he looks forward with joyful anticipation.

As I reflected on this, I realize that I too am in a transitional period.  Gone are the days of silently sobbing for hours on end as I try to get work done in the office.   Mostly gone are the flashback and nightmares in the middle of the night.  Thankfully those have become few and far between. 

Instead, we have a routine.  I get up, I get us ready, we go on and we do.  We move forward through life and keep on going.  We have learned the routine and we have mastered it.  Soon, hopefully life will bring us a new chapter and we will learn that one as well.  

Our current chapter involves mastering yard work without breaking out in hives....AKA ask my brother very nicely to do it for me :)

I guess the big transition for me is looking forward to new things-being excited for things to come.  Perhaps Munchkin and I really are not that much different!

The Club No One Wants to Join-June Widowed Blog Hop

Each of us have a different circumstance and a different view.  Hopefully, if you are reading you can find some comfort and camaraderie in our words.

While everyone I have talked to has a different analogy for living life widowed, the one thing that we can all agree is that this is a club that no one is banging down the door to join!  Nope, not at all!  Who in their right mind chooses the utter heartbreak, the sobbing, the brokenness that comes from losing half of yourself?  The sleepless nights, where the icy cold from the sheets on the other side of the bed leach into your bones and make every fiber of your being aware that you are alone, really alone, like no adult in the house to call 911 if you had a heart attack alone.

Who chooses to raise kids, working through grief that are dealing with their own grief by themselves?  Who chooses to have to have tough conversations with very tiny humans about things that grown ups can't even comprehend?   Who chooses to be the odd man out?  To feel completely alone in a room full of people that all have their spouses or significant others?  That's right no one.  Zip, Zilch Nada!

What I can tell you, is that there are a great many people who have taken their circumstances and risen to a place of grace and beauty.  They learn that there is much more to life than the rat race.  That you really do need to stop and pause, because life is fleeting.   That there are men and women whom have walked this path before you and have come out on the other side of the chasm of tragedy and are OK.  They have a new chapter and they have happiness again.  They have not forgotten their loved one, but they have chosen to live and to love again.  

And do you know how they did it?  They functioned one minute at a time trudging through the heartbreak and tears.   Moving forward and turning the page takes time, and it takes work and it is different for everyone.  Don't measure your journey against anyone, just know that the journey gets easier.   Perhaps, by reading our words you can see that even though your pain is so deep that you can hardly breathe, that someday, maybe not tomorrow, but someday, you will take a deep breath and smile.  A true smile, one that will light you from within.

So grab a drink, coffee-perhaps something a little stronger, sit back and walk with us.  

Link to blog hop page....
http://samanthalightgallagher.wordpress.com/widowed-blog-hop/


Samantha of the Crazy Courage blog
Janine of One Breath At A Time
Red’s The M3 Blog
Christine of Widow Island
Tim’s Diary of a Widower
Running Forward: Abel Keogh’s Blog
Tamara of Artful Living After Loss
Jessica at Buttons to Beans
Missing Bobby: A Widow’s Journey
The Grief Toolbox
The Widow’s Mite: Encouragement for Widows
Widowed Yogi
Choosing Grace Today

Blissful Day...

This morning had the potential to be a really, really crappy day.  However, Munchkin awoke in a great mood without a sign of the wheezing that has plagued him all week.  I decided then and there that I was determined to have a great day.  We enjoyed breakfast and then decided to get moving.

I had a bunch of things that I *thought* we should get done TODAY.  Like going to the library and grocery shopping.

Well, while we were out gallivanting, we just had fun.  Munchkin wanted to go to a park.  He picked the one clear across town from where we live, so we filled  up some water bottles I grabbed my camera and we headed over there.  I got some FANTASTIC pictures of his beautiful toothless grin and he was having a grand old time.   He made a new friend and I was chatting with the mom and petting the sweetest puppy.

After nearly two hours of him laughing, he decided that it was time to go.  We went and got his hair cut at the barber.  The barber has known our family for decades and is just a great person.  Munchkin enjoys it and we were just chatting.  I make Munchkin pay the barber and the barber teases him about shaving-it is their ritual!

It was time for us to go see Epic the movie.  It was good, but be warned there are two teenagers who have lost parents and it is an under-story to the plot-of course we picked up on it right away.  It was still a very good movie and the topics were handled well.  Even though you don't know what happened or how long they have lost their parents, you can see the effect it has on them as they go through their lives.

Then we went to the mall and I got a few outfits for me and some makeup.  We shared a pretzel and some silly "I spy" moments.  We were generally just laughing and being silly on one of the benches.  It was absolutely blissful.

It felt so good to just be present in the moment and enjoy spending the day together.   As we were finishing shopping my best friend called and wanted to know if we wanted to meet for dinner.   I of course said yes not knowing that leaving the mall at that moment meant we were heading into a monsoon!   Well, it was raining so hard that we were soaked in two steps so instead of running to the car, we decided to see who could stomp the puddles the highest and took our sweet time getting to the car.  I mean I wasn't wearing a white shirt so there really was not a reason to hurry :)

After dinner, I got to spend some much needed time with my best friend, who encouraged me to get rid of a bunch of clothes that are now way too big so I did, I am pretty sure that I put into the donate pile more things than I bought which is definitely a great thing!

At the end of the day, I didn't get done any of the things that I thought we just *HAD* to get done today, but I think that spending the day with Munchkin in unhurried bliss was just what we both needed.

Chores and Connections

Quite possibly one of the most frustrating things about being an only parent is the fact that there isn't any one to help with anything. When we were married, we had a clear division of chores, inside was mine, outside was his. I didn't mess with his garage and he didn't mess with my craft room. It worked for us. Saturday mornings were chore days, he would cut grass and putz around outside. I would clean inside and putz in the kitchen or craft room. Around lunch time we would be done and go on with our day.

Now, I have no one to divide and conquer with, consequently getting ready for a party at my house is a HUGE undertaking.

This past week, I mowed my lawn for the first time. I have a tractor that came with my house, but it needed a new battery, so I also have Robert's lawnmower. It took me two and a half hours but I did it. As I was using his lawnmower, it hit me, that this may possibly be the only useful thing of this that I kept to use at my house. As my sweat poured down my arms and onto the handle, I had the realization that my sweat was mixing with his once again. It was a peaceful feeling. I am not sure that I have words to really describe what it felt like, other than to say that for a brief moment I felt connected to him once again. Physically connected.

For the first time that I can remember, that connection was not quickly replaced with an empty longing. And I was proud of myself. I conquered the grass...it wasn't perfect and it was messy, but I did it.

Hometown Dairy Queen

We live in a suburb of Chicago.  It is a relatively small town, where most everyone knows everyone else.   Except for the ten years we lived in Texas, I have been here my whole life.   My parents have been in the same house for 31 years.   Many families have been here that long or longer.

One of the rites of passage of summer is going to Dairy Queen or "DQ" as we refer to it.   For as long as I can remember it has been a gathering spot.  When I first moved back, I had run into so many old friends there picking up a cone or dilly bar.   It is one of the perks of being in a small town.  Families gather and share ice cream.  Sports teams go there after games and practices.  It is an institution in the community.  I grew up meeting friends there for DQ.

Tonight, we had dinner then went to mom and dad's so that Munchkin could play with Nana's new puppy--which is an entirely different post.

When we got in the car, he asked to go to DQ.  I acquiesced   Well, while I am used to running into my friends there, I was totally unprepared for my social butterfly to start running into his buddies!  But there they were no less than 4 boys he knows either from school or TaeKwonDo.  

While I visited with the other parents, he visited with his friends.  All was right in the world.  Well, until one of the little boys asked me if Munchkin's daddy really died.  I thought the mother was going to collapse.  I said that yes he did, and the little boy did not believe me.

Now, I have gotten used to the idiocy of grownups in asking dumb questions, but the realization that my son would have one of his friends doubt something that he says.  That hurt.  It made my heart hurt for him.   I know that he doesn't completely grasp things yet, but he will.   One day, he will realize exactly what it means that someone he calls a friend would think that he would make up a story about his dad being dead.

While I know that it  is no reflection on us whatsoever, and I know that this other little boy is likely lucky enough to have no reference point of death in his life, so hearing that someone else lost something as central to his life as a father has to seem incredulous to him, I am not sure that my son will have that same level of understanding when he starts to "get" it.

The mother was profusely apologetic.  At this point my Munchkin was conversing with one of his TaeKwonDo buddies.  She apologized again and her son asked me if he really did die.  The mom and I exchanged a look, I bent down and told him that yes, Munchkin's daddy did die and that sometimes that happens.

The mother thanked me for being so kind and apologized again.  I told her that it was OK  and that her son probably has never known anyone who died so it is a foreign concept to her.  She told me that was true and then again commended me for my composure and kindness.   Really, I was just showing her child the compassion that I would like others to show to mine.

The Campout-Perfect Moment Monday

Perfect Moment Monday is about noticing a perfect moment rather than creating one. Perfect moments can be momentous or ordinary or somewhere in between.

On the last Monday of each month we engage in mindfulness about something that is right with our world. Everyone is welcome to join.

this is hosted by www.lavenderluz.com and is a monthly blog hop! 

Well Munchkin is officially a Tiger Cub Scout.  He could not be happier.  We went on the first campout a week ago.  It was at a camp ground that I used to frequent with the Girl Scouts many, many years ago. We talked about safety, we talked about protecting the environment, we talked about camp fires and everything else.  All week we prepared mentally for this.

One of the days driving home from school he asked me "Was Daddy a Boy Scout like my uncles?"  My breath caught in my chest.
"No Munchkin, he was not, he actually never had the opportunity"
"But why not Momma?"

How do you explain to a kiddo that by the time his Daddy was born, his parents were of their own admission "tired"  that his uncles are the age of MY parents.   All of these things ran through my head.

"well, because there wasn't a troop at his school or church" While that is only partly true, it was enough for him.

We went on with our preparations.   The morning before we left, I was declared the "Most Fabulous, to the moon and back AWESOME MOMMY, because you are taking me camping mom"  His words, not mine!   The weather was perfect, his asthma was in a very rare state of control.  We had the limited amount of gear we needed and we started packing up the car.   I had given him a list of what to bring-none of which included anything with an on/off switch and he did not care one bit!  There was no fussing, no arguing and no nothing.  He didn't even ask me if I was bringing my iPad!  

I spoke with my brother and made sure I wasn't leaving out anything essential-he nicely suggested some extra water for all of us!

 On Saturday afternoon, we arrived at the campsite.  He helped me unload the car and pitch our tent.  He had a fantastic time exploring with the boys and making new friends.  He was one of the first to volunteer when help was needed and was generally happy and cheerful the entire time.  I got to spend some time with my brother and uncle and the kids ran around happy as could be.   My Munchkin spent the better part of the weekend climbing trees.  The smile on his face was PRICELESS!

On a hike, he learned about different plants-what to touch and what not to touch and why.  He tried his hand at geo-caching and learned how to read a GPS.   After the campfire, most of the moms left-no sleeping in tents for them.  Munchkin was asleep in 5 seconds flat after he got in the tent.   I lay there and just gave thanks for the time we have together.  I am so happy that he enjoyed himself so much, there may be some family camping in our future!

Because, really, there is not much better than spending time in nature with the people you love.

Health Forms and a sucker punch

Sometimes out of nowhere, things can still just reach up and slap you.

I had to fill out health forms for both of us for Munchkin to attend day camp.  On his form, I had to fill in his father's name.   I did and then I put deceased.  It is how I fill it out.  I can't bring myself to leave that form blank.  It feels wrong and it hurts.  My hand hovers over the page and the tears filled my eyes.   I took a deep breath and a wrote the word.  "DECEASED" in my neat half printed/half cursive handwriting. 

My breath catches in my chest every time I have to do that.  Munchkin has three different camps which means I likely have to do this two more times.  It isn't the form that hurts so much, but it is the reminder that Robert is dead.  That Munchkin doesn't have a living dad and that I am doing this all on my own.   It is the knowledge that there will be a question from someone in charge, that is generally accompanied by the "pity face"

You know the one that looks at you like you are a wilting flower that needs to be saved. Or maybe it is just me that feels this way? I don't know.