International Widows Day

Yesterday was International Widows Day as declared by United Nations. 
While things are not rosy here in the USA for Widows, at the very least we don't have customs that strip us of other rights. 

Around the globe, there are people that are widowed that then have to face losing their house, their children, their property.  They may be forced to marry a member of their husband's family.  They may not be allowed to actually own property which means that they along with their children could be out on the street.  WOW, talk about perspective.   I had to sell my house, but it was mine to sell.  I moved across the country and lived with my parents but that was MY choice.  I had choices.  I know I am lucky.

Yesterday, Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation took the opportunity to feature love stories of widows on their FB page.  

Our love story was lucky enough to be picked.  I was so excited to share Robert's smile and love with other people.  It actually made me happy to be able to share him and our history with other people.   I thought that it would be hard, but really it wasn't.  I was excited to have other people have a glimpse into us and our love before our world was shattered. 

As I looked through all of the posts, I saw happy and smiling people.  I saw that before everyone was shattered, we smiled.  We were happy. Before we were shattered we were happy. 

This is something that I hadn't really put a lot of thought to.  I know we were happy, I know we had a great marriage, I say it all the time.  But SEEING our happiness with my own eyes, that was a new perspective.  So while yesterday was all about advocating and bringing to light circumstances around the globe, what it really did was open my eyes.  It opened my eyes to the pure joy that I used to feel and instead of making me sad, it made me want to have that again. 

Chores and Connections

Quite possibly one of the most frustrating things about being an only parent is the fact that there isn't any one to help with anything. When we were married, we had a clear division of chores, inside was mine, outside was his. I didn't mess with his garage and he didn't mess with my craft room. It worked for us. Saturday mornings were chore days, he would cut grass and putz around outside. I would clean inside and putz in the kitchen or craft room. Around lunch time we would be done and go on with our day.

Now, I have no one to divide and conquer with, consequently getting ready for a party at my house is a HUGE undertaking.

This past week, I mowed my lawn for the first time. I have a tractor that came with my house, but it needed a new battery, so I also have Robert's lawnmower. It took me two and a half hours but I did it. As I was using his lawnmower, it hit me, that this may possibly be the only useful thing of this that I kept to use at my house. As my sweat poured down my arms and onto the handle, I had the realization that my sweat was mixing with his once again. It was a peaceful feeling. I am not sure that I have words to really describe what it felt like, other than to say that for a brief moment I felt connected to him once again. Physically connected.

For the first time that I can remember, that connection was not quickly replaced with an empty longing. And I was proud of myself. I conquered the grass...it wasn't perfect and it was messy, but I did it.

It is just stuff...

So we are in the midst of a monsoon...which means for the first time in my new house I am learning to deal with flooding.   YIPPEE!

Here is my take, my yard is flooded, my basement is wet, there is silt seeping in through the foundation.  But it is just stuff. 

I am safe, my son is safe, my family is safe.   It is just STUFF. 

The sewer is a geiser in the middle of the street, the water has receeded a bit, but we are due for more rain.  So it is likely to come back up.

I am proud of myself.  Proud of the fact that my initial reaction was the correct one.  That anything that gets wet or ruined, is just stuff.  I moved stuff out of the basement becuase I figured that pulling out wet crap would be far more difficult.   So I watched to make sure the sump pump engaged, I squeegeed up the water. I moved as much stuff upstairs as I could. I did it by myself. I didn't panic, I didn't wallow, I just did it.

Perhaps I am simply desensitized by my nomadic lifestyle since Robert died.  Perhaps that shock of losing so much stuff and so much of our stuff has made it easier for me to let it go?  I don't know what it is, but for the moment I will be grateful. 

 

The Sleepless Lesson

The other night I had a sleepless night.   They are now few and far between-I am grateful.  It used to be that a night of rest was the rarity!

I digress, those who have insomnia can attest that there is NOTHING good on TV at 3 am.  Perhaps that is by design, but really when you are trying to shut off your brain, some mindless TV goes a long way!     When we lived with mom and dad after the accident, I used to leave the TV on all night.   I couldn't handle the emptiness of my bed and compound that with the silence of my room...well, I had to have some background noise.  So now, when I can't fall asleep I turn on the TV and it usually helps. 


As I was laying there willing myself to sleep I heard a song.  It spoke to me.  

 

"Lift the darkness, Light a fire,

For the silent and the broken hearted"

 

"There's a comfort there's a healing

High above the pain and sorrow

Change is coming, can you feel it?

Calling us to a new tomorrow. "

 

"STAND UP, SUGARLAND"

Wow, just wow.  Those lyrics were exactly what I needed to hear.  I promptly downloaded the song (Shazaam rocks :) ) and fell asleep.

So for the last few days I have been listening to the song.  It is all about using your voice and standing up for those around us.  I have been thinking about what it is that I am supposed to be doing.   What is the lesson that God is trying to show me?  Sometimes He is subtle, sometimes, not so much.  Sometimes, I doubt there is purpose in my writing and sharing of my feelings.  I know that I didn't start publishing until I was widowed for a very long time (relative to a lot of the other blogs out there).  But here is my secret-there were a few widows that I met early on both in person and in their writing that were much farther out.   They shared where they were in their journey with me and it gave me hope.  It showed me that people can be ok and people can be happy and that I too could survive.   Not only survive but thrive in my new life. 

This is not the life that any of us ordered, however, I can tell you that there is peace, there is happiness and takes time.  There are still bad days-but now for me they are few and far between.  The nighmares fade with time and the memories now bring a smile.  Take a deep breath, the storm will clear and eventually you will catch a glimpse of the beautiful blue sky!  Just hang on and keep swimming!

going back in time

This weekend, a friend had a surprise birthday party near NIU where I went to college.  My last year there was filled with Robert.  We made so many memories on that campus, I cannot even begin to put them into words.  It really is a beautiful campus.   I told Munchkin that we would go see a castle and gargoyles.  I brought my camera and I wanted to take some portraits of him there as well.

It was on that very same campus where we spent a first date flying kites, and when the wind took them away from us, Robert ran like the dickens after the dollar store kites to bring them back triumphantly to me.  We used to walk to that field every time he came to visit.  We spent hours upon hours walking and talking the length of then entire campus.  

There is a particular spot by the castle that looks like I choir loft-well I always thought that it did anyway.  Other music majors thought I was nutty.   The first time I took Robert there he saw the loft immediately.  

Later in time he even proposed to me on that campus.   There was a beautiful stone gazebo.  He drove me out to campus under the guise of meeting friends for lunch and took me to our  gazebo.   He got down on one knee and asked me to give him the honor of being his wife.  I began to cry and said yes.  We were immediately chased out of there by some angry wasps who did not appreciate the noise underneath their hive! 

So my thoughts for last weekend were to take Munchkin to campus, take a bunch of portraits, take him to the gazebo and then go to the surprise party.  

We had a blast exploring around the castle.  I showed him where I used to live.  The music building, the science building.  We found the gargoyle to now be headless...there are now Huskies around the campus.  It was a ton of fun. 

When I headed over to the gazebo for more pictures, I found a pile of rocks. 

Literally, the gazebo was a pile of rubble.  There are not words to express the shock to my core.  It was as if someone had pulled the rug from beneath my feet.   I had prepared myself mentally to relive his proposal because I thought it would be neat to have pictures of Munchkin there.  Never in my dreams would I have imagined that this gazebo would have been demolished.  

I know that our story lives on in my heart, however, I really want to be able to share pieces of our story with Munchkin and I am cruelly reminded that life moves forward even if we are not quite ready, it will still barrel ahead at warp speed.   Sometimes our only solace in the fast pace of life, is to stop and cherish the joy that is in front of us.

Cousins

I am blessed with an enormous family.  Dad is one of TED kids, Mom is one of FIVE.  I am the oldest of FIVE.  Yes we are catholic ;)

I digress...the result of this is that I have more cousins than I can count on most days and we are all close.  When Robert joind our family, he was floored by the sheer number in the "clan" and then completely taken by surprise at our welcoming nature.   He grew up in a small family and this was a generally foriegn concept to him.   Over the years he became even more in awe of just how close we were.   When Munchkin was born, my heart ached that we were so far away from everyone.  So much that before Robert died, we had actually decided that we would move back to Chicago before he started school. 

Tonight and tomorrow night, my brother's kids are sleeping over.   The boys will race their pinewood derby cars tomorrow and we will generally frolic and have a ton of fun.   As I listened to the boys play while I painted Princess's nails, well, I could literally hear the joy in their giggles.  They are currently snuggled up with their pillow pets on the floor talking about the big race in the morning. 

I am so grateful that he will grow as close to his cousins as I did, becuase honestly, I have no idea where I would be today had I not been blessed with the family that I have. 

Perfect Moment Monday-SNOWBALLS

~~~~~

Perfect Moment Monday is about noticing a perfect moment rather than creating one. Perfect moments can be momentous or ordinary or somewhere in between.
On the last Monday of each month we engage in mindfulness about something that is right with our world. Everyone is welcome to join.


http://www.blogher.com/frame.php?url=http://LavenderLuz.com

~~~~~~

This month we have had actual snow! Inches of it.  Now a little background, I lived in Texas for nearly ten years and I whined and moaned and groaned every winter that I missed snow and seasons!
Therefore, I do not complain of snow.  In the past four years, it has become somewhat of a joke in my family because Texas has had more snow than we have had!  We even had a record number of days without snow here in Chicago. 

Well a week or so ago, we got about 6 inches of snow. We were not going to miss the opportunity to enjoy the cold white stuff.   While I was outside shoveling, Munchkin was feeling well enough to come out and help me.   Well, his "helping" turned into the two of us playing.  I decided it was more fun and far more important to play with him-he will be grown soon enough and not wanting to play with Mommy!

For 20 minutes, it was glorious.  I showed him how to make snowballs, and we threw them at each other.  Laughing, and running around, Munchkin was all smiles.   We then built a mini "sled hill" and he had great fun "sledding" down it.

It was absolutely priceless to be able to just stop and throw snowballs.  To listen to his laughter and just generally have fun with Munchkin!  When we were cold, we went inside and made some hot cocoa-topped with whipped cream.   Sometimes, the best moments are those that just happen.   I hope that as Munchkin grows older, he finds joy in the memories that we make together.  

Simple Joys

Talking to a friend the other day, he asked me what was new. I said with a big triumphant announcement that I.HAVE.A.SLOP.SINK! He looked at me like I had two heads. It's all about finding joy in the little things I told him.

Munchkin managed to get something red all over a shirt....in the routine cleaning of the never ending laundry pile. I realized something. I have a slop sink. It made me laugh and then smile. For the first time in my grown up life...I have a REAL laundry room.

Now, this may seem strange. Living in Texas, I had become accustomed to doing laundry in a sauna (cough) I mean garage. Yes our washer and dryer were in the GARAGE. That meant that when it was 120 in the shade, I was doing laundry, not in the air conditioning, but in the heat. It also meant that Robert had equal access to the washer and dryer and it was not unusual for them to be covered in tools and car parts, or full of greasy grimy car towels. (for the record, running simple green in hot water will remove the grime). Now, while I fondly remember these facts now, when I had a full load of laundry in my arms, tripped over the ledge to the garage and discovered the aforementioned state of my washing machine-well let's just say I have a very robust vocabulary of four letter words.

Living in an apartment, while I did have a very nice washer and dryer in our unit, well all of those girly things that get line dried...the only place for my drying rack was in our living room. Really, I'm sure my siblings had more views of my undergarments than anyone needs to see or cares to admit. Oh, and soaking clothes stained with preschool masterpieces-the choices were kitchen counter (all four feet of it) bathroom counter (where munchkin could play with it) or a space on the floor.

So yes,I have a slop sink, my messy boy can get as messy as he wants and I have a place to make his clothes presentable. It is the simple things that make me happy.

Bobby's World

So after moving to our new house, we had a change of TV.  I decided to go with comcast instead of directTv for a myriad of reasons. 

In this, munchkin now has access to the free on demand shows when he is allowed to watch TV.  He has started watching Bobby's World.  He thinks it is hilarious.

For those not in the know...the show is about a mischevious five year old named Bobby and all of his adventures on his big wheel with his crazy family.   I believe it is from the 80's era-I mean a very young Howie Mandel is the host of the show!

Robert, of Bobby as he was called before the age that he decided he no longer wanted to be called that LOVED that show.  He used to tell me of his antics on his big wheel and go cart when he was growing up.  How he used to wear out his shoes instead of using the brakes because he couldn't really "drift" if he used the brakes.  How he used to use the bushes in the backyard to stop his go cart.   He used to tell me that he hoped he had a child that would enjoy the same show and the same antics as him when he was younger. 

It is such a mixed bag of emotion for me that munchkin has found this and likes it so much and is literally doing what his daddy wished to do with him.  He is a high energy happy little boy who loves playing "tricks" on people and just generally engaging in boy mischeif and humor.  It makes my heart swell to see him have so much fun.   But at night, when all is quiet and still, my heart knows how much Robert would have loved to be here with us, my heart aches in doing the parenting that we both longed to do for so many years.  My heart hurts over the fact that the love of my life, is not by my side to enjoy the tastes of our feisty five year old. 

In the light of day, I put a smile on my face and enjoy every minute of his antics complete with giggles and silliness and sloppy hands and kisses.  I know that time is short and soon these days will be replaced with the antics of a teenager!

Grateful for Today...and for my brothers

Today was a great day.  About a month ago Munchkin went to the hardware store with one of his uncles.  This uncle started a tool collection with him and buys him a tool when they go together.  Well, the last time they were there, it was discovered that today was they day you could go and make a bird house for free using REAL tools! 

That was it, munchkin decided that he HAD to do it, and his uncle HAD to do it with him.  Uncle of course had agreed to take him and the date was set.  Munchkin had been counting down the days to today, even got up at midnight and tried to convince me to call Uncle and see if they could go NOW!

Well, Munchkin had a great day, using tools with his uncle, then they went to see a movie and we met up for lunch. 

I am so grateful that munchkin has uncles like this in his life.  He has people to step in and do things with him one on one.  They step up and they are willing to do it. 

One of his other uncles watches him every Monday night so that I can go to band.  They play together and generally watch whatever sport is in season. In fact, munchkin asked the other night when I was going back to band so that he and his uncle can have "man night" again.   This uncle also has agreed to take him to the father/son sport night coming up at our school. 

Yet another uncle includes munchkin in on things he does with his own son.  He is the cubmaster of the scout troop his son is in and will welcome Munchkin into the pack when he turns 6 in a few months.  This means that when the dads do the things with the Pack, munchkin will not be left out, or be the only one with a mom there--and I can feel at ease that my brother will care for him as his own. 

While no one can replace Robert in our lives, I must say that we are VERY VERY blessed to have such a great family! 

Putting Away Christmas..

Yesterday I put away our Christmas decorations.  Many of them were up for the first time since Christmas 2007. 

Robert and I had a few traditions.  First we bought a new ornament every year, we actually bought two most years, he was fond of the glass balls from Hallmark--I have a much more whimsical taste. 
We also made or purchased a piece to our village. 

Our only Christmas as a family of three was 2007.  Munchkin was 7 months old.  It was perfect.  Many of my decorations have not seen the light of day since that season. 

As I was moving into our new house, my mom and dad set up my tree with munchkin and his cousins.  They didn't know that I had not been putting all of the decorations up.  I noticed it, but let it go.   They stayed up all season.  I put them away yesterday. 

As I was packing things away into their boxes...yes...I am one of THOSE people, you know the ones who keep the original ornament boxes to re-use year after year.  I noticed something.  That I had kept up our traditions without really thinking much about it.  

You see, for the past five years, I have let munchkin pick out the ornaments.  I can see his tastes emerge and evolve.  This year it was Frosty the snowman, last year, Alvin, 2010 it was Mickey Mouse, 2009 it was Cars.  In 2008, I picked our ornament, it was a seashell with a pearl in it, it was pretty.  This year munchkin asked for two ornaments.  

The second one that he picked was a blue ball, it had a picture of Bethlehem and the north star.  I thought when he picked it, that Robert would have really liked it.   As I packed it away, I noticed, that along the bottom there were words.  It is the words to Silent Night.  That was Robert's all time favorite Christmas Carol!!! 

I guess after all this time and all of the tears, I can still find glimpses of him here and now, for the most part it makes me smile. 

The other thing that has become apparent, is that Munchkin loves Christmas!  He loves the story of the birth of Jesus, he loves Santa and he loves St Nicholas.  So much so, that as I was packing up, he pilfered my small musical Christmas Tree without me noticing.  When I put him to bed, I saw it on his bookshelf in his room.   I asked him how it got there. 

He replied "I put it there mommy, I want to have a little Christmas in my room all the time".  Little does he know, that is something his father would have done.  I put a smile on my face and tucked him in!

Blue Bins and Memories

So now Munchkin seems to be on the road back to healthy, the past week or so has really been about settling in.  Unpacking, sorting and arranging more stuff in the house. 

Honestly so much has been in storage since 2008, it is hard to know where to start.   I have found a bunch of stuff that I thought was lost.  It has been odd.  Still coming across his handwriting iin unexpected boxes.   Finding stuff and wondering what possesed me to actually pack it???

The BLUE BINS are almost gone!  Granted, some stuff has been repacked into green bins, but such is life right?  The blue bins were a reminder to me...they came from Texas and they have dutifully housed our tangible posessions all this time.  They reminded me of the horrid week of packing away our life, deciding what was important when in my heart, I knew that there was nothing in the house that was more important than HIM and that the simple fact that he would never come home again made everything else painful for me.  So painful, that I don't think that I functioned in any logical way for a very very long time. 

I think that the bins with the music were the most painful for me.  He was a music teacher, a musician and composer.  There are not words that can impart the meaning that music had in our lives.  We used to joke...I could play anything on paper, he could play anything on paper, but usually chose to embellish it somewhat!  Well, I sorted through music today.  All this time, I thought all the music was his, and honeslty, there is a HUGE amoung that is mine!  It is now sorted...Teaching stuff in one bin in the back of the closet.  My choral stuff close to that.  Elementary piano pulled up for munchkin to mess around with.  My band stuff front and center.  The piano is decorated nicely.  I have some pictures that I picked up to hang on the wall. 


It felt good to accomplish something that I had set aside for so long.  For nearly 5 years, I have avoided the music bins.  Well, today they are tackled.   I unearthed tons of memories, but thus far no tears.   This is huge for me.   For years, I could not even look at the blue bins, let alone open them without bursting into tears. 

My heart still aches for him and I still miss him, I always will, but for today, I am more focused on unpacking our house and moving into the future with Munchkin.  He deserves no less than my full love and attention.     

Happy New Year! Reflections on 2012

I am sitting here at about 10:30 local time.   Munchkin is long asleep-we celebrated early complete with pizza, video games, movie, grape juice toast and confetti poppers in our yard. 

I have been reflecting a lot on this past year.There has been so much that has happened in the world.  So much tragedy, so much heartache and yet, there were good things as well.   I think that is true of most years, but I always have liked to reflect on the world around me.


  The year started off very rough for us, but in all it was a very good year.  I can see immense growth in the both of us individually and as a family.   I would love to share some of our highlights:

~ Our new house-WHAT a blessing and miracle!!!

~ Munchkin starting kindergarten at the same grade school I went to and having the PERFECT teacher for us!

~Munchkin got to enjoy the Olympics on TV with me and man did we have fun watching and learning!!! 

~While  I am not a fan of the political rhetoric that preceeds elections, I did get to take munchkin to vote with me and explain in simple terms why it is so important for grown ups to vote.  I am hoping that I can instill this sense of duty into him.   I even explained who I was voting for and why-hopefully he will remember the process of being educated on candidates regardless of whom you choose to vote for!

~Many, many family gatherings this year, including some great times with cousins on the beach.  Enjoying sunsets hand in hand with munchkin is such a treat! And on that note, I got to close the cottage with my dad...got an entire day of him to myself-don't think that has happened in close to 20 years and it was wonderful!

~ Band was phenomenal for me this year, I actually missed less than 10 rehearsals in the second half of the year---this is a new record :0

~ My writing--this blog and a few others that I guest post on have been a huge blessing to me.  I do write daily, and I still struggle with what to type here as opposed to keeping private in my journals so hopefully I can find a little better balance this coming year. 

~ My immediate family...my siblings and parents have had a great year as well.  We have had many many opportunities to be together and I am grateful for that!

~Taking munchkin to his first Notre Dame Game!  GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IRISH!

~Munchkin has advanced THREE TaeKwonDo belts and medaled in TWO Tournaments!  I am so grateful for all of his teachers and that he likes to work hard!

~Taking munchkin downtown to enjoy the Christmas decorations and enjoy lunch with his Papa.  It was so much fun to share with him a memory that I treasure from childhood! We used to always go downtown and meet dad for lunch. 

In all, 2012 was a good year.  I can remember back to December 31, 2008 where my simple plea to God was, "Dear God, please, please let 2008 be the worst year of my life-EVER"  In my mind, I did not think that I could endure let alone thrive.  Thus far, it seems as that prayer has been answered!  I am THANKFUL for that each and every day. 

Blog Hop...

Nope not a Sock Hop--a Blog Hop....

Being new to this whole published blog world, I am excited to participate.  It still amazes me that there are people that want to read what I have to write...but I digress...

So, I will be participating in the blog hop hosted by Samantha of Crazy Courage

So at the end of this post, you will see a list of people who in spite of surviving unimaginable tragedies, they thrive and have something to say.  They have the courage to share their world with the rest of us and I ask that you take a look at what they have to say. 

Maybe, just maybe you may learn something new, or find a new idea.  You may find some laughter and you may find some tears, but at the end, you will be sharing a glimpse into a world that none of us would like to belong to. 

The details are below:


How to Participate:
1. Visit each of the links below – both hosts and participants – and read their post. Leave them a comment with encouragement, commiseration, community, or however else the post touches you.

Hosts:
Samantha of the Crazy Courage blog
Janine of One Breath At A Time
Rachel of A Little Pink in a World of Camo
Christine of Widow Island
Kiki of Life After Steve
Robin of The Fresh Widow
Ferree of Widow’s Christian Place
Brooke of 2 Peas in the Pod
Paul of Death is an Imposter
Red’s Momma’s Money Matters
Participants:
Becky’s Choosing Grace Today
Cindy’s Widow’s Pursuits
Tim’s Diary of a Widower
The Official Site of Abel Keogh

2. In the comment section of the hosts’ sites, leave a link to any related post, for example on the day-to-day issues you face, memories you have of your spouse, events you’ve attended, etc. These are things many of us discuss via our blogs anyway, so it likely won’t be out of your realm of experience.

3. It would really help us get the word out about the Widowed Blog Hop if you would tweet, share, and spread the word about the Hop! Please use hashtags #Widowed and #BlogHop.

Little Kisses....

Driving to work this morning, I was admiring the beautiful fall colors.  The Maples turn a beautiful crimson.  The elms are yellow, there is very little green left.  The sun was peeking through the clouds and making the leaves glisten.  GORGEOUS!  Fall is one of my favorite times of year.  I love that the seasons change.   The change of seasons is one of the things that I missed most living in Texas. 

As I was admiring everything, my mind drifted to Robert.  As that happened a song I had never heard came on to the radio and the lyrics struck me. 

Don’t let the night become the day
Don’t take the darkness to the grave
I know pain is just a place
The will has been broken
Don’t let the fear become the hate
Don’t take the sadness to the grave
I know the fight is on the way
When the sides have been chosen

Cause if you never leave home, never let go
You’ll never make it to the great unknown
Open up your eyes
Keep your eyes open
So tell me you’re strong, tell me you see
I need to hear it, can you promise me to
Keep your eyes open, my love
So show me your fire, show me your heart
You know I’ll never let you fall apart if you
Keep your eyes open, my love

NEED TO BREATHE-Keep Your Eyes Open

 

 

Hearing this was like hearing someone speak to my soul.  Music is very much like that.  We used to always communicate with music.  We were great at talking but it was not unusual for us to find some obscure lyrics and play or sing songs to each other.  We could spend hours, literally hours doing this, singing, dancing, playing music and generally just plain old being in love.   Man do I miss that! But as I heard the lyrics plain and clear, it was like a little kiss to my soul.   A small reminder that he is still out there in the universe.   For the day it gave me a reminder and a sense of peace...I know it may sound just a little crazy, but really there have been some pretty crazy things that I have experienced in my life.  

 

So, I revel in the beauty of the world around me and I enjoy the little kisses that I get whatever they may be! 

September is Golden

Do you know what a gold ribbon means?  (no not pink) Gold is for Childhood Cancer Awareness and September is designated to promoting awareness of childhood cancer. 

Children are amongst the most vulnerable people on the face of this earth, parents are programmed to protect them at ALL cost.   Sometimes, we cannot protect.  Sometimes, the child teaches the parent things that no parent should have to learn--bravery, courage, hope and grief.

Last September I was introduced to a sweet lady, Mary Tyler Mom.   She lost her precious Donna to cancer and she and her family have chosen to find hope even in their loss.   For the month of September she chronicles Donna's journey through surgeries, treatment and heartbreak and she shares her with us.  Last year a friend showed it to me in the Chicago Tribune.   I was having a hard time and she thought that maybe I could find some solace in the words of wisdom and caring that were being posted.

In the past year since I have been following this family I have been so inspired.  I have seen her share her charm and wit and her sadness with readers all over the word.  Mary Tyler Mom really and truly demonstrates hope and grace everyday.  She is candid and she is caring and awesome. 

In her spare time she raises money for research for pediatric cancer. Dedicated research is underfunded to say the least, and I will save that rant for a later post along with an action of what you can do to help (especially if you live in Illinois!)  She runs fundraisers, she attends races, she runs a foundation "Donna's Good Things" oh and she works full time and cares for her husband and son! In between she shares herself reminding us to CHOOSE HOPE. 

Again this month she is sharing their journey and Donna with us.  This time not in just the Chicago Tribune but she is being featured by the Huffington Post! She chooses to share her precious girl with us and give us a glimpse into their lives.  If you have not yet done so, please mosey on over and take a look.  I promise that you will not regret it and maybe just maybe in reading and sharing Donna's story you can find some hope and witness a whole ton of love. 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sheila-quirke/donnas-cancer-story-dance-class_b_1892280.html

Football

Wow, fall kicks off again.  Today was an absolutely beautiful day.  Bright blue sky, fluffy white clouds.  Gentle breezes and not too warm.

It was also the home opener for the Chicago Bears.  Now I am a football fan, I follow my Bears, I watch the games, but Robert, now he was the definition of SUPERFAN.  He had more Bears shirts, sweatshirts and jerseys than I can count.  He lived in Bears gear year round, between that and patriotic t-shirts, that was the bulk of his wardrobe.  Munchkin had his first Bears jersey at 3 months old for the season opener of 2007.   Sunday afternoons were dedicated to football--in an almost obsessive way.   I have some pretty awesome memories that revolve around football.

So this morning, I dressed munchkin in a new bears shirt (last years was way too small) and we went about our day.  Sometimes I am just reminded how different our life is now.  If Robert was still here, we would have had an all out party to watch the game...likely would have even tailgated.  It would have been fun, really fun.  But that is not the life we live now. 

We will likely have some parties centered around football complete with uncles and papa, but not today.  I could not fathom being inside when it was so beautiful out--especially knowing that in a few short weeks the falling leaves and mold will keep us inside until we get a hard freeze--so we spent the afternoon at the park and I caught the scores of the game on my phone. 

But, munchkin ran around with glee and abandon--he made new friends and showed off his new found skill of going across the monkey bars at warp speed.  And it was fun, and it was great--really great.  And somehow seeing the joy in munchkin's face above his Bears t-shirt was enough.  For that I am thankful.

Breathe....Just Breathe

Some days require more concentration on others

Remembering to breathe...sounds simple right, but seriously remembering to breathe. 

Everything in life is temporary, that is true for the good and the bad, but if I can just remember to pause and take a deep breath it helps.

It also helps to remember that I have survived the "unsurvivable"....for more than four years I get up every morning, get dressed, care for our son and ensure he thrives, go to work and come home exhausted and do it again.   It has taken a lot of time, but there in that breathing I have learned to look for joy, and learned to be present in the current moment.

Watching a sunset, listening to birds chirp, listening to my son giggle and laugh.  These things wait for no one and it take us being able to be present and pay attention to find the joy.  These simple joys have no knowledge of the past or any tragedy that has befallen our lives--they are there simply to have us be present and enjoy them in their fleeting beauty.


I go to bed everynight alone, and I wake up alone....and somethimes all I can do is remember to breathe....