Blissful Day...

This morning had the potential to be a really, really crappy day.  However, Munchkin awoke in a great mood without a sign of the wheezing that has plagued him all week.  I decided then and there that I was determined to have a great day.  We enjoyed breakfast and then decided to get moving.

I had a bunch of things that I *thought* we should get done TODAY.  Like going to the library and grocery shopping.

Well, while we were out gallivanting, we just had fun.  Munchkin wanted to go to a park.  He picked the one clear across town from where we live, so we filled  up some water bottles I grabbed my camera and we headed over there.  I got some FANTASTIC pictures of his beautiful toothless grin and he was having a grand old time.   He made a new friend and I was chatting with the mom and petting the sweetest puppy.

After nearly two hours of him laughing, he decided that it was time to go.  We went and got his hair cut at the barber.  The barber has known our family for decades and is just a great person.  Munchkin enjoys it and we were just chatting.  I make Munchkin pay the barber and the barber teases him about shaving-it is their ritual!

It was time for us to go see Epic the movie.  It was good, but be warned there are two teenagers who have lost parents and it is an under-story to the plot-of course we picked up on it right away.  It was still a very good movie and the topics were handled well.  Even though you don't know what happened or how long they have lost their parents, you can see the effect it has on them as they go through their lives.

Then we went to the mall and I got a few outfits for me and some makeup.  We shared a pretzel and some silly "I spy" moments.  We were generally just laughing and being silly on one of the benches.  It was absolutely blissful.

It felt so good to just be present in the moment and enjoy spending the day together.   As we were finishing shopping my best friend called and wanted to know if we wanted to meet for dinner.   I of course said yes not knowing that leaving the mall at that moment meant we were heading into a monsoon!   Well, it was raining so hard that we were soaked in two steps so instead of running to the car, we decided to see who could stomp the puddles the highest and took our sweet time getting to the car.  I mean I wasn't wearing a white shirt so there really was not a reason to hurry :)

After dinner, I got to spend some much needed time with my best friend, who encouraged me to get rid of a bunch of clothes that are now way too big so I did, I am pretty sure that I put into the donate pile more things than I bought which is definitely a great thing!

At the end of the day, I didn't get done any of the things that I thought we just *HAD* to get done today, but I think that spending the day with Munchkin in unhurried bliss was just what we both needed.

Changes...

I have written before how much Robert LOVED the Chicago Bears...I mean REALLY LOVED the CHICAGO BEARS.

This past week, #54 entered free agency and is no longer a Bear. WOW, I am having a hard time wrapping my head around how Robert would have reacted to that. 

While I know that the world has moved on the past few years, sometimes it feels as if it is moving at warp speed. 

Let's just take a look at a few things that have really changed:
--Brian Urlacher is no longer a Bear
--Packers have a new quarterback
--We have had 2 presidential elections (although they were full of mudslinging so I guess that isn't all that new!)
--I have had 2 apartments and now a house that he was not a part of in anyway shape or form
--Munchkin is in elementary school!!! (can't really believe that myself)
--The place where we had our wedding reception is now a CVS
--The gazebo where he asked me to marry him, is now demolished
--ND went to the championship (and lost pitifully, but that is a whole other story!)


I guess my point is sometimes we have to admit that the rest of the world is moving on, even when we can't admit it to ourselves.   Sometimes it takes noticing the changes around us to realize the changes that are slowly happening inside of us. 

I no longer cry myself to sleep every day.  I find joy where ever I can spot it and I hold on to it for dear life.   Flashbacks of the accident have subsided for the most part.  I can catch a glimpse here and there of my former self, however I see the new me daily.  The me who stands up and does what needs to be done for my family.   And I am proud of me, and I know Robert is too!

in the quiet

Sometimes it is just too quiet.  The silence around me makes the thoughts in my heart deafening.  Usually resulting in tears.  Not the silent dripping down my cheeks tears-but the messy sobbing pain of a broken heart. 

Now, thankfully, these episodes are not daily anymore, not weekly or even any predictable regularity.  I am grateful for that. 

I don't think that the pain has lessened from losing Robert.  I think that I have just become used to the void.  Used to the scars, the empty feeling.  I have chosen not to give my brokenness power over the rest of my life.   I am glad that I have made that choice.  That for the most part I can be in the present moment and enjoying time with Munchkin or completing tasks at hand.  

There are times however, where a memory will reach up and slap me.  At those times, I cannot help but to feel my broken heart.  To feel the pain of losing him.  It is crushing, it is earth shattering and it is horribly unfair.  Those are the times that generally result in the sobbing previously mentioned. 

I have a favorite quote: "Take PRIDE in how far you have come, and FAITH in how far you can go"

I try and force myself to take a step back and realize that even though at that moment, I feel horrible-that I really have come very far.  I am not crying 24/7.  I am no longer paralyzed by memories-and at times I can even enjoy sweet memories.  Nightmares and flashbacks of the accident are no longer constant...and dare I say have faded to few and far between.  So yes, I have come very far in the past few years, so I just have to remember that as bad as it feels at that moment, that it will get better...it has gotten better over time and that it will be OK!

Grateful for Today...and for my brothers

Today was a great day.  About a month ago Munchkin went to the hardware store with one of his uncles.  This uncle started a tool collection with him and buys him a tool when they go together.  Well, the last time they were there, it was discovered that today was they day you could go and make a bird house for free using REAL tools! 

That was it, munchkin decided that he HAD to do it, and his uncle HAD to do it with him.  Uncle of course had agreed to take him and the date was set.  Munchkin had been counting down the days to today, even got up at midnight and tried to convince me to call Uncle and see if they could go NOW!

Well, Munchkin had a great day, using tools with his uncle, then they went to see a movie and we met up for lunch. 

I am so grateful that munchkin has uncles like this in his life.  He has people to step in and do things with him one on one.  They step up and they are willing to do it. 

One of his other uncles watches him every Monday night so that I can go to band.  They play together and generally watch whatever sport is in season. In fact, munchkin asked the other night when I was going back to band so that he and his uncle can have "man night" again.   This uncle also has agreed to take him to the father/son sport night coming up at our school. 

Yet another uncle includes munchkin in on things he does with his own son.  He is the cubmaster of the scout troop his son is in and will welcome Munchkin into the pack when he turns 6 in a few months.  This means that when the dads do the things with the Pack, munchkin will not be left out, or be the only one with a mom there--and I can feel at ease that my brother will care for him as his own. 

While no one can replace Robert in our lives, I must say that we are VERY VERY blessed to have such a great family! 

Blue Bins and Memories

So now Munchkin seems to be on the road back to healthy, the past week or so has really been about settling in.  Unpacking, sorting and arranging more stuff in the house. 

Honestly so much has been in storage since 2008, it is hard to know where to start.   I have found a bunch of stuff that I thought was lost.  It has been odd.  Still coming across his handwriting iin unexpected boxes.   Finding stuff and wondering what possesed me to actually pack it???

The BLUE BINS are almost gone!  Granted, some stuff has been repacked into green bins, but such is life right?  The blue bins were a reminder to me...they came from Texas and they have dutifully housed our tangible posessions all this time.  They reminded me of the horrid week of packing away our life, deciding what was important when in my heart, I knew that there was nothing in the house that was more important than HIM and that the simple fact that he would never come home again made everything else painful for me.  So painful, that I don't think that I functioned in any logical way for a very very long time. 

I think that the bins with the music were the most painful for me.  He was a music teacher, a musician and composer.  There are not words that can impart the meaning that music had in our lives.  We used to joke...I could play anything on paper, he could play anything on paper, but usually chose to embellish it somewhat!  Well, I sorted through music today.  All this time, I thought all the music was his, and honeslty, there is a HUGE amoung that is mine!  It is now sorted...Teaching stuff in one bin in the back of the closet.  My choral stuff close to that.  Elementary piano pulled up for munchkin to mess around with.  My band stuff front and center.  The piano is decorated nicely.  I have some pictures that I picked up to hang on the wall. 


It felt good to accomplish something that I had set aside for so long.  For nearly 5 years, I have avoided the music bins.  Well, today they are tackled.   I unearthed tons of memories, but thus far no tears.   This is huge for me.   For years, I could not even look at the blue bins, let alone open them without bursting into tears. 

My heart still aches for him and I still miss him, I always will, but for today, I am more focused on unpacking our house and moving into the future with Munchkin.  He deserves no less than my full love and attention.     

God whispers

After Robert died, I sold our house and moved home. I needed to reset the foundation of my life that had been shattered into oblivion and I knew that I needed my family. It was crazy to expect them to be there for me 1300 miles away. This was an easy decision for me as we had been talking about leaving Texas for home before munchkin was in preschool anyway. We felt strongly that we wanted him in school where we grew up. I knew it was what we would have done anyway. While that made the decision logical it was not easy to do. I felt as if I was walking away from our life.

We lived with my mom and dad in the house I grew up in for a long time. It was what I needed. I had the blessing of my parents and munchkin got to be spoiled by them. I worked through some of my hardest grief while living there. There are pictures of me for that first two years where my face simply looks haunted, My eyes are glassy and I am obviously still in shock.

We then moved into an apartment. It was what we needed. I needed to solidify our foundation but munchkin was still too young for me to be able to handle a house on my own. I honestly didn't know if I would ever be able to manage a house.

While the condo was good for me, it wasn't the best for munchkin, There was no place to run around. He had to be quiet inside. We adapted. We went to parks everyday. I kept his baseball mitt, soccer ball, scooter and tee in the back of my car.

He couldn't have friends over...we had to be quiet...five year old boys by definition are not quiet...they are bundles of laughter and energy...

In July as we pulled in from the park, he looked at me.
"momma, I am going to ask Santa for a house for Christmas"
I replied "buddy, if Santa said a DS was not in his budget, I'm pretty sure a house is out of the question"
"hmm.."
"besides, it would take the elves a long time to build it then they would not have time to make as many toys for everyone!"
"ok, mommy. I will just ask God instead. Nothing is to big for God to do"
"you are right buddy, nothing is too big for God"

Oh boy. I was floored in my tracks. Unbeknown to munchkin, I had applied for and been denied a mortgage. I had decided that it was not in God's plan for us to have a house.

I had no idea what to do. I was proud that munchkin had the understanding that things in this world are not up to us but at the same time, five year olds are not great at patience. I also know that things happen in God's time, not ours. As I lay in bed that night I gave my wish to God and got out of the way. I resolved myself that whatever happened I needed to have faith.

I secretly hoped that munchkin's wish was a phase to be quickly moved through. Such was not the case.

The next week he started telling people that we were moving.

The week after that he announced his new house would have a huge playroom to play with his friends and a big backyard with a "swing house"

Nightly in his bedtime prayers he would ask God to give us a perfect house. I would listen to him and silently pray for my son to not lose faith.

A few weeks later was the first week of school. As we walked with neighborhood friends, he told them God was giving him a house for Christmas. Oh boy! I had no idea how I would make that wish come true. I had nothing to do but put my faith in God as well. Out of that conversation came the PERFECT mortgage broker who got a loan approved for me.

I began searching for a house. I didn't tell munchkin. After six weeks I found one that was perfect for us. The process was maddening. Things kept popping up. I kept saying a prayer and letting it go. I had some very close friends that I engaged in specific prayers for the process and at the end of the day, we moved into our new home.

It is an amazing blessing that I never thought I would have again and I am thankful that munchkin nudged me into believing what I thought was impossible. I am thankful that I was able to stop my doubt and fear and join my child in relying on God to provide for us instead of dismissing his dream as childish or impractical. I am blessed.

Yard Sales

After the accident, when I finally went down to Texas to put the house on the market-we had the sale of all yard sales. 

I had decided that it was best for us to be by family, but had only been working for about 6 weeks.  Munchkin was 1, so living with mom and dad was by far our best option.  That being said, it was not practical nor necessary to move my entire house.  So after much thought, prayer and tears, I decided to sell everything that I could.   I was still in shock at  how much the funeral had cost and I was determined to repay my father for the thousands of dollars that he had paid for me.  Literally, he paid everything without a pause.  

So as we walked through the house, the criteria I used was that if it could be replaced, I would replace it when I decided to move from mom and dad's.  At that time, I was pretty sure I would be there forever.  I could not see how I could manage to live on my own and take care of us.  If it had sentimental value, I packed it. 

I remember standing in the middle of my house sobbing.  I could not focus on anything.  I could not bear to go outside and see people picking apart my life---deliberating over pennies.  We sold my dishes, they were a wedding gift.   We sold my craft table...it was a wooden table that had folding leaves and I made beautiful creations on it.  We sold my son's baby clothes--he was not going to get smaller, and I am not going to have another child.  We sold 90% of my clothing, I was living in a different climate.  I no longer wear scrubs to work and flip flops are not year round attire.  We sold out patio set, where we used to cook out and relax.   We sold the contents of my kitchen, all of my bakeware and stuff--I no longer had my own kitchen to create in.  We sold the workbench that we build together.  We sold his car parts-the car was totalled, they were useless reminders to me anyway.   It was heartbreaking.   We sold anything that pretty much was not nailed down and then some. 

What did I pack? Surprisingly a lot of memories.  Most of his t-shirts and sweatshirts-which consisted of every Bears t-shirt known to man! I can picture him in everyone of them.  about 25 different Bears jerseys.  12, count them 12 huge blue plastic totes of music.  Enough for a library.   And while I am a musician, I will never teach middle school band, so about 4 of those got given to a new teacher for her use in her career-but not until this past year.  If I never see a blue tote again, it will be too soon!  Everytime I tried to unpack one, I was floored and paralyzed by the memories. 


So now, as I try and rebuild things, even though yard sales are a great way to get things cheaply, I usually can't bear to even go see them.  I know that my yard sale was a very rare reason, however, to see people's belongings spread over tables and grass, welll, it just reminds me of my own heartache. 

Parent Teacher Conference

Last week, I had the first of what I am sure will be many parent teacher conferences.  I was fine getting ready for it.  I know munchkin is doing well and I have had regular contact with the school and his teacher.  

What I was not prepared for was entering the school to so many mother/father couples strolling the hallway.   I don't know why, but I didn't expect it.   Sometimes it is really the unexpected things that hit the hardest.   You expect to see dad's at kids sports, you expect to see complete families at church, for some reason, I did not expect to see fathers at parent teacher conferences. 

Perhaps it is our PTA push to have the dad's involved (THAT is a whole other post for another time) But stolling the halls looking at the kids  creations, it was unexpected. 

His conference went well, very well actually.  His teacher is perfect for him and perfect for us.  She is just what we both needed in this transition to big kid school, and I hope that she is one of those teachers that he remembers forever. 

I am thankful that he has a teacher that is so caring and willing to work with him on his level.  I am thankful that we had the opportunity to move back to my family and take advantage of such an awesome school district.  I am thankful that munchkin loves school and loves to read as much as he does!


I am thankful, that the unexpected doesn't always send me into blubbering tears as it did just a few years ago.  Honestly, 2 years ago, this would have been a very different entry into my journal, and I am thankful that I can see my own personal growth and strength on this journey that no one wants to take. 

His Piano...

For more than four years now, his piano has been mostly silent.  It is one of those objects that has such a strong sense of him, it brings me to tears to touch it.  So I don't play it-not that I ever did very much, but now I don't at all. 

When munchkin was 2 and 3 he took a piano class at his montessori school.  He loved it but it was a group session and did not necessitate practice on the piano.  Now that he is 5, he has discovered his joy of reading and also the joy of the piano. 

He has dug through my filing cabinet of music and taken it upon himself to "read" the music and "play" the piano.  Fortunately, he remembers a striking amount of the basics (finger numbers and note names) so he is doing fairly well. 

It is odd, that something that when Robert was alive brought us such joy, when he died it pierced my heart with just the sound of the keys.   And now, I see our son, gravitate towards it.  I help him and we work together on it.  He absorbs it like a sponge and it is beautiful to see.

When I say it pierced my heart, I mean that in the most literal sense of the word.  That first Christmas, I tried so hard to play Christmas music and to share that with my family.  I physically could not do it, I would sit on the bench paralyzed with greif and cry.  The tears would run down my cheeks and I would silently close the lid and walk away.   The silence of the piano was deafening to me, but I could not bring myself to play it. 

Now, munchkin has been practicing consistently.  He loves it, he reads his work books and plays the notes.  I really should find him a teach besides me, but I fear that any teacher I find, would not live up to the shadow of Robert.   He was by far and hands down the best music teacher that I have ever seen in my life.  I know that I may be biased, however I also know that there are some former students that read this that will confirm.  He was a special soul and he was built for teaching.  

I pray that I can find someone to help munchkin love music as much as Robert and I do!

Grateful Reflections

Today is the fifth time we have celebrated Thanksgiving without Robert.  Saying that out loud seems odd...it seems odd, that he is not here.  I will tell you, that man embodied holidays.  They were for nothing more than being with family.  Watching movies or football and enjoying each others company.  He had high expectations....GREAT FOOD and time with us.  :)

So today as I reflect on my life and our love, I am relishing in the blessings in my life. 

I am a mother.  This is by far my favorite thing in the entire world.  I am responsible for bringing up an amazing little boy and teaching him all about the world.  There is nothing that is more soothing to my soul than to look at him learn something new, or give me a big sloppy hug and kiss.  To see his eyes sparkly with joy, fills my heart and I am grateful. 

We have a place to live.

I have a job that allows me to provide for us.

We live in the United States of America.

I have a fantastic family...they are awesome---really really awesome.  Siblings, parents, aunts, uncles and cousins every last one of them.   I know I am lucky beyond belief for that, because there are tons of people out there that never experienced a loving family.  That makes me sad to even think that, but I know that there are. 

Fabulous Friends--really, the kind of friends that drop everything and come to your aid when you finally ask for help.  They know that if you are asking for help--that you really really need it! The kind that even though you don't talk often, you know that you are now and always will be close.   My cirlce of friends has morphed the past few years, and I am grateful!

I am grateful to have a best friend whom I have known more years than I care to publish and that we live relatively close again.  Her family is an extension of my own, her parents literally have always been a second set of parents and I am grateful. 

SO today, I hope that you find a minute to be grateful for something. 

Perspective....

Three times this week I had to put air in two of my tires.   I blamed it on the temperature changes.  An annoyance really, but a fact of life for season changes.   I inspected the tires each time and the looked ok.  

Yesterday, I got in my car to go and run some errands with munchkin.  The car was driving funny....felt like I had a flat even though I didn't.   At this point, I figured that maybe I was a moron and wasn't actually putting the right amount of air in my tires.   I remembered my brother telling me that Discount Tire puts air in tires for free.   I headed that way and wend inside.  After waiting in line, I started with telling the guy that he was not allowed to laugh at me-but I needed air in my tires.  He didn't laugh and directed me to where they put in air. 

As I went over there, the guy who was putting air in tires pointed out to me that I had FOUR nails in one of the tire, and two in the other.   Everytime I had put air in the tires, the part that had the nails had apparantly been on the ground so I could not see the cause. 

So, I went back in line, and I got new tires.   I could be really, really annoyed that I had to spend several hundred dollars that I did not plan on spending, or I could be relieved.  

Relieved that I did not experience a blow out in morning rush hour traffic going 55 miles  an hour in bumper to bumper traffic.  Where even if I had controlled the blowout, that other drivers could have reacted, or over-reacted causing someone to get hurt.   I am very grateful that did not happen, becuase it could easily happen. 

So the few hundred dollars for new tires is a very small price to pay for safety. 

Catastrophe

Have you ever lived through a hurricane? If not, be thankful! I have lived through three including Katrina and Rita in Houston.

A hurricane is unnerving. First of all you know it is coming for days so you prepare. Schools shut down businesses shut down and communities check on each other. You tie up or bring in anything and everything that is loose outside lest it become a projectile and injure someone or break something.

Then you wait and wait. The winds and rain start ahead of the storm and when the hurricane finally comes it is hours upon hours of tornadic winds. You stay inside and listen...the power generally shuts off to lessen the likelihood of fires when things fall on transformers. So you sit there in the middle of your house in the dark holding right to your loved ones and you pray. You pray for lives to be spared knowing property can be replaced. It is terrifying and humbling.

When it is over you go outside and you see the damage. The devastation. The utter destruction and you marvel at the power of God.

Several weeks ago, Sandy hit the east coast. I spoke to a friend of mine. He talked about huddling under a staircase in his house with his wife and son for 18 hours while mother nature destroyed everything in her path.

As we were talking he started telling me of the changes to the channel. The rocky bluffs were gone. Just gone. The topography of the inlets is completely changed. There is a river way that had dried up century ago that the hurricane reopened.

As I heard him speak I got to thinking. Nature cleanses the earth with catastrophe. Hurricanes reshape the land and shores....don't believe me? Google Louisiana shoreline post Katrina. A very large part of the state was reclaimed by the Gulf of Mexico.

Fires cleanse a forest. They remove old trees so that the forest can grow and evolve. The dead brush is removed and the ashes nourish the land for future growth. The animals take cover and the slowly return. The rain and snow soothe the charred earth and life begins anew.

As I was thinking about this, I was thinking about me. Losing Robert was a catastrophic event for me. He was gone in an instant. The aftermath has been years and years of pain tempered with growth. My life will never ever be the same as it was on the morning of March 30, 2008. But I am starting to see new growth in me. I am starting to see how things have changed and how I would not have many things in my life that I do have today if that catastrophic event had not happened.

I am starting to see the positive, the life and the joy. While I still miss him deeply and that will never change, instead of thinking that my life ended on that Sunday morning, I see that that morning was a catastrophe. But that catastrophe is a part of who I am now. It is only a part....it does not consume my world anymore.

Did your Daddy vote?

Partisanship aside...I have always understood the importance of voting. So the fact that it was a school day/work day and TaeKwonDo day did not deter me from taking munchkin to vote with me after class. As we drove I explained that all grownups in the USA have the privilege to vote.

They had done a mock vote in class today so he was excited. He was well behaved in line and respectful to the judges and he even managed a piece of chocolate from one that we knew.

As I turned in my ballot, my heart was aching that the first time munchkin will remember going to vote was just the two of us. I put my ballot in the machine and the well meaning sweet lady asked munchkin if he got to go vote with Daddy too.

Too much....the tears flowed, the silent tears I had been holding back just flowed. Munchkin didn't miss a beat..."Daddy lives in heaven" is what he said to the lady. She looked like someone slapped her. Munchkin asked for a sticker and I made a quick escape into the cold drizzle holding tight to munchkin's hand.

We went home had dinner and snuggled to watch the states report their numbers. We talked about what the president does, where he lives and what the house and senate mean. In all I thought it was a great lesson in the privilege of being American citizens even if it did unearth my wounds. Mostly I am glad that munchkin had fun and liked learning about voting.
I only wish that my scars were not so visible to the rest of the world.

Happy Halloween?

Munchkin only had one Halloween with two parents.  I am so blessed that all of the rest of them have been spent with my extended family.  We have trick or treated in our childhood neighborhood with my brother and sister in law and their two munchkins.  We have fun.  We laugh at the kids, we talk about how they are growing.  We have dinner, spend time with Nana and Papa and Aunts, Uncles and Cousins. I historically have gone to bed in tears. 

This year for the first time, I didn't have a kick in the gut at some point.  In past years, there was something that brought me to tears.  Something that reminded me harshly that we are DIFFERENT, that I AM ALONE. This year, not at all.

I had a great time.  Munchkin had a great time.  We saw many friends. Ran in to tons of parents of kids munchkin goes to school with.  He saw many friends that he has made in school this year.  He was happy and I was happy and content to see him that way.  The grown ups chatted and laughed and remembered Halloweens past.    Had dinner with my sister and her husband as well.  She made cupcakes and provided dessert.  The kids trick or treated her block as well.  Everyone knows munchkin and he loves his friends on that block. 

We had a holiday where we were completely happy.  At the end of the evening, snuggling on the couch munchkin told me it was the best Halloween ever!  Now, I realize that from the eyes of a five year old, every Halloween will be the best ever, but hearing that from him made my day.

And for that minute, I felt that maybe just maybe, I am making progress.  That I am enough, that my family is enough.   And for the first time in recent memory on a holiday, I went to bed happy.

I am blessed, and I am grateful. 

Circle of Life

Almost two and a half years ago, Munchkin started begging for a fish.  I held out, stalled, stammered and after much research I finally gave in.

After much debate and discussion, I settled on a Beta, he picked out a pretty blue one and named him FISHY. 

For the past 18 months, munchkin has greeted him good morning, kissed him good night, sang to him, fed him, read to him, redecorated his fish tank, helped change filter.   FISHY would recognize his voice and swim around frantically excited to hear him.   Munchkin thought that was the coolest thing, especially since he wouldn't respond to me.   Munchkin's explanation, "mommy, he hasn't learned that you have to listen to your mommy yet, we will work on it and I am sure FISHY will love you like he loves me!" 

He announced that since he can't have a baby sister that FISHY would be his brother.  Everyone who came to our apartment or as Munchkin calls it "repartment house" was introduced to his brother. 

About 2 weeks ago, FISHY started looking a little sick, kinda just laying on his plants, not really eating....I knew in my heart that FISHY had just about lived out his life.   I seriously debated a bait and switch.  However, I figured out that Munchkin, as observant as he is, would have discovered the deception so I decided to let it run its course and prepped myself for the "circle of life" conversation. 

The other day it happened, we went out for the day, had a fantastic day downtown.  Picked up a new story book that he proceeded to read to me on the train and we simply had fun.  When we got home, Munchkin wanted to read to FISHY.   When he went to his tank to read to him, he was lifeless on the bottom of the tank.  Munchkin started singing to him, FISHY didn't move.  Munchkin started screaming.   No not screaming, shrieking.   "MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!! MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!! FISHY is DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"   Keep in mind, that I didn't voice any of my suspicions to him. 

The tears started rolling.  The wailing began in earnest.  I scooped up my little man and just held him.   I investigated FISHY and confirmed the sad news. 

"MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I DON'T WANT FISHY IN HEAVEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  DADDY IS ALREADY THERE AND I WANT FISHY HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  GOD TAKES EVERYTHING I LOVE TO HEAVEN AND KEEPS THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

OH my!  It hurt me so deeply to see him so hurt.  It hurts me to know that at 5 years old, that he understands loss in such a deep and personal way that many adults have yet to come to terms with.   I was speechless.  How do you give your child answers that you don't have yourself?

In the end, I decided that hugs, kisses and listening were my best option.   I told him that we would send FISHY's body to the sea by flushing him.   BIG MISTAKE! "MOMMY! A SHARK WILL EAT HIM!!!!!!!!" oh my, oh my, thanks DISNEY!

He asked me to say good bye to FISHY, so I took the tank and set it on the floor in front of him.   He knelt on his knees over the tank with tears streaming down his cheeks and big messy sobs making his entire body quiver.  I could do nothing but sit next to him and silently pray. For what seemed like forever he sat and spoke to FISHY's body--
"I love you FISHY"
"you are an awesome friend FISHY"
"I miss you FISHY, GOD please send FISHY back!"
" FISHY can you please say hi to my Daddy in heaven and be his friend?"
"FISHY, will you play with my puppies in heaven and be nice to my Daddy"
"FISHY I hope you turn into a real human brother in heaven and give my Daddy a kiss, maybe play catch with him too"

When he was done sobbing and saying goodbye, we said a prayer.  He asked some more questions about Daddy and told me that he knew Daddy would take care of FISHY.  

While I was very proud of myself for not getting hysterical, I did have the tears on my cheeks and I was drained. 

We ended up cuddling up and watching Scooby Doo together.  

Sometimes, just sometimes, it is best to realize that there is nothing that we can do to change things and all we can do is cling to each other.  

In the past few days, we have only had a few questions and comments.   He made sure to tell Papa and Uncle Joe that FISHY is in heaven with Daddy.  It is still striking to me how he knew without prompting that FISHY was in heaven.  I am not sure if I should be glad that he understands or sad that he has had the opportunity to learn about loss so early.  

New Show "Go On" Review

The premise of this is that it is a relatively young widow who lost his wife.   I saw the pilot episode after the Olympics, I wasn't really sure what to think about it. 

Honestly, it has grown on me.  The producers to a decent job of showing the ugly side of grief woven through life.   The end of one episode, he explodes throwing things at a car when someone is texting.  It then comes out in ugly form that his wife died in a car accident while replying to a text. 

This kind of outburst is extremely realistic.  I can remember doing it multiple times the first year or so.  It is exhausting. 

Another thing that sticks in my head was the whole tossing and turning in bed and finally getting up.  I can completely relate to this.   After being married for almost nine years, it took me over 4 years to remember how to sleep alone.   To be able to fall asleep, stay asleep and wake up to reality.  What do I mean by that?  Well for years, and sometimes still--I was haunted by flashbacks of the accident.  I would wake up screaming and re-experience the accident.   Living through it once apparently was not good enough for my brain...oh heck no...chronic overachiever here...let's just go and do it daily for over two years!   Well when that was done, I would have pleasant dreams...I would dream of us, our family our life.  Then I would slowly wake--far better then awakening in terror, except this time, I would wake slowly, in that in between state where your dreams still exist, where it seemed like the last few years were the nightmare and that everything was ok.  Until I opened my eyes, Until I fully awoke and realized that the nightmare was real and the dream was just that, a wish for the life we planned. 

Yelling and throwing stuff at a cemetary...BEEN THERE DONE THAT! Not really all that productive, but hey, I'm not going to hurt the feelings of anyone dead right?  Personally at the time, I thought I was being far more productive at yelling at a headstone than an actual real person in front of me with feelings.  Didn't quite occur to me that I may have looked a little crazy....although I probably did! There is a very odd dark humor that many widows have used to survive...and I think the show captures that decently well.

Oh and the giving away of stuff...he gave her sewing machine to someone who needed one, the group cautioned him that he may not want to do that...but he did, and he regretted it.  MAN does that hit home.  Somethings you just can't explain. 

Overall, I think the show does a decent job of intertwining realistic reactions to real situations that widows face every day.   Most things may be so subtle that the average person may not take notice, but I do.  I think the fact that I notice, makes me hope that someone who watches may see something and then see something in real life, and maybe just maybe may think.   HMMM....maybe this person is having a REALLY bad day....maybe they are not crazy after all!

Football in Texas

Early this summer one of my aunts and I had a fantastic and inspiring conversation at 2 am. The cliff notes version revolved around reframing my perception. I was griping about traveling so much for work and having no time to myself when I do travel. She shared some of her tips for finding some time and some of the amazing things that she has done in her travels. Since then I have tried moderately successfully to include more me time while I am out of town. Luckily my nights out of town have decreased--because really I would rather be home with munchkin!!!

I digress...I am at a conference. On Friday one of my friends called and asked if I wanted to go to the Monday Night Cowboys game...well yes, I would love to go to the Bears game :).

So step one...I said yes...I then spent the next three days stressing. This is the first football I have been to since Robert died and it was an emotional ramp up. I toyed with bringing a jersey, however it would have been Robert's. In the end, I decided on a Bears t-shirt that was his, but I had commandeered long before the funeral.

When I walked up on the stadium it hit me...eyes misted over...it was a beautiful night. He loved Texas...I tolerated it. Until October when I started bitching that I missed seasons and snow...I'm a Chicago girl at heart. But he was made for Texas. He loved living here, he loved everything about Texas. It hit me that had he been alive we would have been at the game together.

As we were winding our way around the stadium admiring it...the Bears fans literally outnumbered the Cowboys fans. I was still misty eyed and texted my brother that I missed Robert knowing he would be missing him too. He said that "maybe we can get a win in his memory". Just then a whole bunch of Bears fans came by chanting the Bears song.

At that moment, I chose to have fun and enjoy the game. I really do like football and here I was with a tremendous opportunity to enjoy a game with some really great friends.

The game was fantastic. The Bears played really well...even the Cowboys seemed to play for the Bears :). We won and it was exhilarating.

I realize how blessed I am to have such great friends and a truly incredible family. I'm lucky to be able to work and still have family that steps up and help me care for munchkin. I'm lucky to have friends who know me well enough and care enough to include me.