Mommy What is a Coffin?

Munchkin is inquisitive.  That is putting it nicely.  He asks a million questions a day.   This morning we were driving to go let my brother's dog out while he is out of town and we spotted someone packing away Halloween Decorations. 

This prompted a series of questions...

Munchkin: Mommy, what's a coffin?
Me: It is something that you put someone in after they die.
Munchkin: Did you have to put daddy in a coffin?
Me: Yes baby.
Munchkin:  I don't think he would have liked that.
Me: Probably not.
Munchkin: What did Daddy's coffin look like?
Me: It was silver with blue lining
Munchkin: Oh, Well Count Dracula's was black with red inside.  Red is my favorite color. 


See while Munchkin has asked his questions in passing and has now moved on to putting together a lego set,  my brain is now trying to force back the memories that I have tucked away. Some memories  are just too much to bear and entirely too painful to keep remembering.   

The memories of walking into a funeral home and telling the person that I needed to make arrangements for my husband.  

The chaos that followed that I am not even prepared to write about, and I don't know if I ever will.

Getting up from the table and walking out of the room trying to find solace and wake myself from what surely was a nightmare.   Only I found myself lost in a room of coffins sobbing.  My father came and sat by me.  I sobbed so hard.  I could hardly breathe.  Even now, five years later, these memories are so powerful and nearly debilitating. 

I remember telling everyone that I highly doubted that we would be able to have an open casket because of the devastation of the accident. 

I remember the next day when his body arrived and I had to go confirm that it was him, crying with relief that they were able to make his face, head and neck presentable enough for an open casket.  I will forever be grateful to the organ procurement team for doing that.  As horrible as it was, I can't imagine if I had not been able to touch his hair one more time or rest my hand on the side of his face where it was made to fit perfectly.  The edge of my palm fit along his jaw and my fingers reached behind his ear to caress him softly.  It is one of the things that I miss most of him.  How our bodies were MADE to fit together.

Don't forget the memories of the wake.  Of actually SEEING Robert in a coffin.  The finality of that.   There really are not words to describe seeing your soul mate dead and cold.  Memories of  my family and our friends.  The eulogies that were delivered.  Seeing his sweet innocent students who were no bigger than munchkin is now, kneeling and praying the rosary.  Handing me hand written notes of how much they loved their "Mr. Bob"  For most of these kids, Mr. Bob dying was the first time that they had lost someone, and they all loved him. 

Memories of my laughing baby boy in my arms at the very end of the wake.   I was holding him near the coffin and he was laughing.  He was calling Daddy, Daddy and tried to leap from my eyes into the coffin on top of Robert.  I let him touch him and all he did is laugh.  I fainted, my dad caught me and Munchkin.  To say that attending my husband's wake was life altering does not nearly serve it justice.  It doesn't convey the weight of that cataclysmic point in time.

I realize that all Munchkin didn't understand then, he asks questions to try and understand now.  I also know that it is my job to help him understand the inexplicable.

He will take his cues from me and he will grow to know about the world from me.  So, now I will take a deep breath, wipe away my tears, pour another cup of coffee and go build a lego castle.  I will wait for the next series of questions and until then, I will keep myself in the present moment. 

Blissful Day...

This morning had the potential to be a really, really crappy day.  However, Munchkin awoke in a great mood without a sign of the wheezing that has plagued him all week.  I decided then and there that I was determined to have a great day.  We enjoyed breakfast and then decided to get moving.

I had a bunch of things that I *thought* we should get done TODAY.  Like going to the library and grocery shopping.

Well, while we were out gallivanting, we just had fun.  Munchkin wanted to go to a park.  He picked the one clear across town from where we live, so we filled  up some water bottles I grabbed my camera and we headed over there.  I got some FANTASTIC pictures of his beautiful toothless grin and he was having a grand old time.   He made a new friend and I was chatting with the mom and petting the sweetest puppy.

After nearly two hours of him laughing, he decided that it was time to go.  We went and got his hair cut at the barber.  The barber has known our family for decades and is just a great person.  Munchkin enjoys it and we were just chatting.  I make Munchkin pay the barber and the barber teases him about shaving-it is their ritual!

It was time for us to go see Epic the movie.  It was good, but be warned there are two teenagers who have lost parents and it is an under-story to the plot-of course we picked up on it right away.  It was still a very good movie and the topics were handled well.  Even though you don't know what happened or how long they have lost their parents, you can see the effect it has on them as they go through their lives.

Then we went to the mall and I got a few outfits for me and some makeup.  We shared a pretzel and some silly "I spy" moments.  We were generally just laughing and being silly on one of the benches.  It was absolutely blissful.

It felt so good to just be present in the moment and enjoy spending the day together.   As we were finishing shopping my best friend called and wanted to know if we wanted to meet for dinner.   I of course said yes not knowing that leaving the mall at that moment meant we were heading into a monsoon!   Well, it was raining so hard that we were soaked in two steps so instead of running to the car, we decided to see who could stomp the puddles the highest and took our sweet time getting to the car.  I mean I wasn't wearing a white shirt so there really was not a reason to hurry :)

After dinner, I got to spend some much needed time with my best friend, who encouraged me to get rid of a bunch of clothes that are now way too big so I did, I am pretty sure that I put into the donate pile more things than I bought which is definitely a great thing!

At the end of the day, I didn't get done any of the things that I thought we just *HAD* to get done today, but I think that spending the day with Munchkin in unhurried bliss was just what we both needed.

Changes...

I have written before how much Robert LOVED the Chicago Bears...I mean REALLY LOVED the CHICAGO BEARS.

This past week, #54 entered free agency and is no longer a Bear. WOW, I am having a hard time wrapping my head around how Robert would have reacted to that. 

While I know that the world has moved on the past few years, sometimes it feels as if it is moving at warp speed. 

Let's just take a look at a few things that have really changed:
--Brian Urlacher is no longer a Bear
--Packers have a new quarterback
--We have had 2 presidential elections (although they were full of mudslinging so I guess that isn't all that new!)
--I have had 2 apartments and now a house that he was not a part of in anyway shape or form
--Munchkin is in elementary school!!! (can't really believe that myself)
--The place where we had our wedding reception is now a CVS
--The gazebo where he asked me to marry him, is now demolished
--ND went to the championship (and lost pitifully, but that is a whole other story!)


I guess my point is sometimes we have to admit that the rest of the world is moving on, even when we can't admit it to ourselves.   Sometimes it takes noticing the changes around us to realize the changes that are slowly happening inside of us. 

I no longer cry myself to sleep every day.  I find joy where ever I can spot it and I hold on to it for dear life.   Flashbacks of the accident have subsided for the most part.  I can catch a glimpse here and there of my former self, however I see the new me daily.  The me who stands up and does what needs to be done for my family.   And I am proud of me, and I know Robert is too!

Perfect Moment Monday-SNOWBALLS

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Perfect Moment Monday is about noticing a perfect moment rather than creating one. Perfect moments can be momentous or ordinary or somewhere in between.
On the last Monday of each month we engage in mindfulness about something that is right with our world. Everyone is welcome to join.


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This month we have had actual snow! Inches of it.  Now a little background, I lived in Texas for nearly ten years and I whined and moaned and groaned every winter that I missed snow and seasons!
Therefore, I do not complain of snow.  In the past four years, it has become somewhat of a joke in my family because Texas has had more snow than we have had!  We even had a record number of days without snow here in Chicago. 

Well a week or so ago, we got about 6 inches of snow. We were not going to miss the opportunity to enjoy the cold white stuff.   While I was outside shoveling, Munchkin was feeling well enough to come out and help me.   Well, his "helping" turned into the two of us playing.  I decided it was more fun and far more important to play with him-he will be grown soon enough and not wanting to play with Mommy!

For 20 minutes, it was glorious.  I showed him how to make snowballs, and we threw them at each other.  Laughing, and running around, Munchkin was all smiles.   We then built a mini "sled hill" and he had great fun "sledding" down it.

It was absolutely priceless to be able to just stop and throw snowballs.  To listen to his laughter and just generally have fun with Munchkin!  When we were cold, we went inside and made some hot cocoa-topped with whipped cream.   Sometimes, the best moments are those that just happen.   I hope that as Munchkin grows older, he finds joy in the memories that we make together.