Random Acts of Mercy and Disclosure

This morning started out as a whirlwind.  Munchkin had a tournament and was extremely excited.  This is the second time where he has competed at the next level up.  We have two rules in our family when it comes to sports...

1. Have Fun!

2. Do your best!

That is it.  That is the extent of my expectations for him.  

While today was a bit of a challenge.  He was in a ring where he was outsized by a literal sixty pounds.  I didn't think that there was any way that he would do well, and as I stood there and watched the kids get assigned to rings, I had in my mind, that there was no way that he was going to go up against these bigger kids.  We had discussed previously, that in order for him to compete in these categories, that Mom has the right to pull him out and have him forfeit if I thought he could get hurt. 

Well, as I stood there praying for guidance, one of the high ranking Senior Masters, pulled my Munchkin and stood him next to the biggest kid and took a picture and sent it to headquarters.  I didn't really know what was happening, but she asked Munchkin where his parents were.   He said that Daddy was dead, but Mommy was right there and pointed at me. 

She walked over to me and said that she had requested a split ring based on size and that headquarters had agreed.   She was extremely gracious and nice and I was thankful.   Munchkin would not be walloped on by gargantuan 8 year olds (he is a very small 6!)

Senior Master was available around our ring and watched a few of the kids.   I thought it a bit unusual.   The high ranks generally watch and judge the other higher ranks, not the kids color belts.  At the end of his competition, I thanked her and we made some small talk.  And when I say high rank, this wonderful woman, is an extremely high rank! 

She asked me if he was an only child-I said yes.  She then told me that her father died when she and her brother were little.  Her mother was widowed at 29 years old.  I was floored.  She went on to share some of her story with me and I had tears in my eyes.  At one point she told me that she believes that it takes a village and at that moment Munchkin's teacher and my dear friend walked up.

I was engaged and fighting tears speaking to Senior Master, but handed her Munchkin's results slips and she was congratulating him.  Senior Master asked me who he studied with and  I reached for our instructor and gave her a hug.  I told her, that we have a phenomenal family in our school and I felt very lucky.  Senior Master went on to tell me how wonderful our instructor is. 

This completely random encounter has left such an impression on me today.   Someone whom I have never met, took the time to share her story and not only that, share how perfectly fine she and her brother are and that her mom was remarried and happy.  Her words gave credence to the fact that kids can turn out okay in spite of the circumstances that the universe dumps on them.

She did share that he mom remarried after she and her brother were off to college, but she personally felt that she had wasted a lot of years.   I told her that my belief is that if God has planned for someone else to be in our lives, then He will put them there.  She said she would pray for us. 

It feels as if the world had given me an affirmation at a time when I really needed to hear it.   Our instructor looked at me with tears in her eyes and told me how proud she knows that Robert must be. 

In Remembrance of September 11, 2001

Twelve years ago this morning, the world as we knew it changed.   I was working at the hospital and after reloading a crash cart, I looked up on a TV screen and thought it was very odd that they were showing the movie "Armageddon" in an ER.   I completed my rounds and a little while later heard that we were under attack.    I was expecting my sister to fly to see us for her birthday the next day and I said a prayer of thanks that she was not in the air when everything happened.  

One of our pharmacists had family in Pennsylvania, and she left after not being able to get in contact with them.   We were the closes trauma center to IAH and it was eerily quiet to not hear planes in the sky.  I called Robert and roused him from his sleep-he had worked the night before.  When I got home from work we sat glued to the television watching the news reports as most people did.  We held each other, not knowing what would happen next, only knowing that it would be ok because we had each other.  I remember seeing images of people jumping from widows in the upper stores of WTC and thinking to myself-what is so bad up there that they would jump to certain death and I cried for them and I cried for their families. 

Today, 12 years later, I think of all of the families that have had to go on missing a piece.  I think of all of the children that grew up without a parent.   I think of all of the soldiers that were deployed and all that gave their lives so that today I have freedom.   Think of that.   Think of all of the families that lost someone.  

Then I think about all the courageous people who stood up and refused to let their loss define them.  I think of Taryn from the American Widow Project who works with military widows.   I think of the parents that got up everyday and put breakfast on the table and got the kids off to school and kept plugging along even though their spouse was killed in a horrible attack.  I think of all of these things.  

I wonder when my son will start to ask questions about September 11.   Thus far he has not, but one day he will.  I wonder how I can explain hatred to a child.  How can I explain that there are people that let their lives be so ruled by hatred that they are blinded and they do terrible things.   But, today, today, I just remember. 

Counting my blessings

Last night, a company that I have been doing business with decided to close.  I have full belief that they did everything that they could to prevent it and are even looking to place those that worked with them with other companies. 

There are some really great women that work with Gigi Hill and countless that relied on them for the sole support of their family.  Last year when I went to the convention with my best friend, I had the privilege of meeting some pretty amazing people.   Even though I was not selling the purses and just went for a vacation, I had an amazing time and was welcomed with open arms.  

My heart breaks for all of these women.  There are people left with a ton of inventory. Investment into inventory for a company that as of last night no longer exists.   There are families left with no income. 

Let that sink in.  NO INCOME. 

Wow.

Here is the thing, on all of the facebook groups, these women are being positive and inspiring and offering prayers for the two owners of the company who were in tears as they made their announcement last night. 

I have yet to see a "poor me" post or even any anger.   I realize this is less than 24 hours into the process and Gigi Hill asked for 24 hours for a plan to present to everyone.  But still.  No one has been anything but super supportive to each other. 

Nothing negative at all.  Nada, zip, zilch.

If that is not the epitome of grace, I am not quite sure what is.  

I know I am lucky.  I have a great job that I really love and even though it is a new job, it provides for my family.   I did sell Gigi Hill on the side, but literally only because I really loved their purses.  I do have some inventory here at my house, but honestly not all that much.  I am blessed.   I am lucky.  But far more than that I am grateful for all of the women that I have met in the past year that are truly are graceful, caring and amazing.  I am inspired by the Grace and Faith that I am witnessing as we speak. 

I too offer my prayers to everyone that other doors open and that everyone lands on their feet in a place that will be perfect for what they need for their families.   Please join me in that prayer! 

Half

We had defined sides of the bed for sleeping.  I was always on the left side of the bed, he was always on the right.  It just was. 

It has been over five years since the day he died, however I still find myself on the left side of the bed.  I now have a smaller bed that has been in three different places in three different bedrooms and the result is still the same...I stay perched on my side, and his stays empty. 

Even though I know...it isn't HIS side, never was, he never slept in this bed, he never slept on these sheets, he never used these pillows or blankets.  Heck--he has never even stepped foot into my house.  I know this.   My brain knows it, I am pretty sure that my heart knows it.

At night, there is an icy chill that emanates from his side of MY bed.  It creeps over to me and just reminds me that I am alone.  That I don't have anyone to share my bed.  That Robert is gone, and not just gone, but he. is. dead.  He is never coming back and I will NEVER again spend a night nestled safe in his arms with my head on his chest.  Really this feeling of icy loneliness is getting very old. 

I have done everything that I can think to do.  I decorated my bedroom.  I selected a beach theme and enlisted my mom who is awesome at decorating to help me pull it together.  I have a beautiful painting, new sheets and comforter.  A really cool lamp and other accessories.  I selected my bedroom so that the light comes in and spills over the bed in the morning.  It is bright and warm and cozy.  But it hasn't helped.    The ice still fills the room in the dead of night. 

So I take a deep breath and I suck it up and I lay down and I go to sleep.   In the morning I awake and it is the same thing over again.   I am alone and there is no one in my bed besides me....well unless Munchkin is sick and has wandered into mommy's bed in the middle of the night, then I am usually awakened at a pre-dawn hour by a squirmy octopus in my bed.

Don't you know, kids grow extra limbs and flail them endlessly when they are in your bed, in their own beds--they sleep perfectly still and awake in the same position that you kissed them goodnight. 
So I kiss Munchkin good morning and look around and I say a prayer of thanks for all of the things that I do have and I hope that one day, this particular feeling fades to a distant memory. 

The Club No One Wants to Join-June Widowed Blog Hop

Each of us have a different circumstance and a different view.  Hopefully, if you are reading you can find some comfort and camaraderie in our words.

While everyone I have talked to has a different analogy for living life widowed, the one thing that we can all agree is that this is a club that no one is banging down the door to join!  Nope, not at all!  Who in their right mind chooses the utter heartbreak, the sobbing, the brokenness that comes from losing half of yourself?  The sleepless nights, where the icy cold from the sheets on the other side of the bed leach into your bones and make every fiber of your being aware that you are alone, really alone, like no adult in the house to call 911 if you had a heart attack alone.

Who chooses to raise kids, working through grief that are dealing with their own grief by themselves?  Who chooses to have to have tough conversations with very tiny humans about things that grown ups can't even comprehend?   Who chooses to be the odd man out?  To feel completely alone in a room full of people that all have their spouses or significant others?  That's right no one.  Zip, Zilch Nada!

What I can tell you, is that there are a great many people who have taken their circumstances and risen to a place of grace and beauty.  They learn that there is much more to life than the rat race.  That you really do need to stop and pause, because life is fleeting.   That there are men and women whom have walked this path before you and have come out on the other side of the chasm of tragedy and are OK.  They have a new chapter and they have happiness again.  They have not forgotten their loved one, but they have chosen to live and to love again.  

And do you know how they did it?  They functioned one minute at a time trudging through the heartbreak and tears.   Moving forward and turning the page takes time, and it takes work and it is different for everyone.  Don't measure your journey against anyone, just know that the journey gets easier.   Perhaps, by reading our words you can see that even though your pain is so deep that you can hardly breathe, that someday, maybe not tomorrow, but someday, you will take a deep breath and smile.  A true smile, one that will light you from within.

So grab a drink, coffee-perhaps something a little stronger, sit back and walk with us.  

Link to blog hop page....
http://samanthalightgallagher.wordpress.com/widowed-blog-hop/


Samantha of the Crazy Courage blog
Janine of One Breath At A Time
Red’s The M3 Blog
Christine of Widow Island
Tim’s Diary of a Widower
Running Forward: Abel Keogh’s Blog
Tamara of Artful Living After Loss
Jessica at Buttons to Beans
Missing Bobby: A Widow’s Journey
The Grief Toolbox
The Widow’s Mite: Encouragement for Widows
Widowed Yogi
Choosing Grace Today

Blissful Day...

This morning had the potential to be a really, really crappy day.  However, Munchkin awoke in a great mood without a sign of the wheezing that has plagued him all week.  I decided then and there that I was determined to have a great day.  We enjoyed breakfast and then decided to get moving.

I had a bunch of things that I *thought* we should get done TODAY.  Like going to the library and grocery shopping.

Well, while we were out gallivanting, we just had fun.  Munchkin wanted to go to a park.  He picked the one clear across town from where we live, so we filled  up some water bottles I grabbed my camera and we headed over there.  I got some FANTASTIC pictures of his beautiful toothless grin and he was having a grand old time.   He made a new friend and I was chatting with the mom and petting the sweetest puppy.

After nearly two hours of him laughing, he decided that it was time to go.  We went and got his hair cut at the barber.  The barber has known our family for decades and is just a great person.  Munchkin enjoys it and we were just chatting.  I make Munchkin pay the barber and the barber teases him about shaving-it is their ritual!

It was time for us to go see Epic the movie.  It was good, but be warned there are two teenagers who have lost parents and it is an under-story to the plot-of course we picked up on it right away.  It was still a very good movie and the topics were handled well.  Even though you don't know what happened or how long they have lost their parents, you can see the effect it has on them as they go through their lives.

Then we went to the mall and I got a few outfits for me and some makeup.  We shared a pretzel and some silly "I spy" moments.  We were generally just laughing and being silly on one of the benches.  It was absolutely blissful.

It felt so good to just be present in the moment and enjoy spending the day together.   As we were finishing shopping my best friend called and wanted to know if we wanted to meet for dinner.   I of course said yes not knowing that leaving the mall at that moment meant we were heading into a monsoon!   Well, it was raining so hard that we were soaked in two steps so instead of running to the car, we decided to see who could stomp the puddles the highest and took our sweet time getting to the car.  I mean I wasn't wearing a white shirt so there really was not a reason to hurry :)

After dinner, I got to spend some much needed time with my best friend, who encouraged me to get rid of a bunch of clothes that are now way too big so I did, I am pretty sure that I put into the donate pile more things than I bought which is definitely a great thing!

At the end of the day, I didn't get done any of the things that I thought we just *HAD* to get done today, but I think that spending the day with Munchkin in unhurried bliss was just what we both needed.

Hometown Dairy Queen

We live in a suburb of Chicago.  It is a relatively small town, where most everyone knows everyone else.   Except for the ten years we lived in Texas, I have been here my whole life.   My parents have been in the same house for 31 years.   Many families have been here that long or longer.

One of the rites of passage of summer is going to Dairy Queen or "DQ" as we refer to it.   For as long as I can remember it has been a gathering spot.  When I first moved back, I had run into so many old friends there picking up a cone or dilly bar.   It is one of the perks of being in a small town.  Families gather and share ice cream.  Sports teams go there after games and practices.  It is an institution in the community.  I grew up meeting friends there for DQ.

Tonight, we had dinner then went to mom and dad's so that Munchkin could play with Nana's new puppy--which is an entirely different post.

When we got in the car, he asked to go to DQ.  I acquiesced   Well, while I am used to running into my friends there, I was totally unprepared for my social butterfly to start running into his buddies!  But there they were no less than 4 boys he knows either from school or TaeKwonDo.  

While I visited with the other parents, he visited with his friends.  All was right in the world.  Well, until one of the little boys asked me if Munchkin's daddy really died.  I thought the mother was going to collapse.  I said that yes he did, and the little boy did not believe me.

Now, I have gotten used to the idiocy of grownups in asking dumb questions, but the realization that my son would have one of his friends doubt something that he says.  That hurt.  It made my heart hurt for him.   I know that he doesn't completely grasp things yet, but he will.   One day, he will realize exactly what it means that someone he calls a friend would think that he would make up a story about his dad being dead.

While I know that it  is no reflection on us whatsoever, and I know that this other little boy is likely lucky enough to have no reference point of death in his life, so hearing that someone else lost something as central to his life as a father has to seem incredulous to him, I am not sure that my son will have that same level of understanding when he starts to "get" it.

The mother was profusely apologetic.  At this point my Munchkin was conversing with one of his TaeKwonDo buddies.  She apologized again and her son asked me if he really did die.  The mom and I exchanged a look, I bent down and told him that yes, Munchkin's daddy did die and that sometimes that happens.

The mother thanked me for being so kind and apologized again.  I told her that it was OK  and that her son probably has never known anyone who died so it is a foreign concept to her.  She told me that was true and then again commended me for my composure and kindness.   Really, I was just showing her child the compassion that I would like others to show to mine.

The Campout-Perfect Moment Monday

Perfect Moment Monday is about noticing a perfect moment rather than creating one. Perfect moments can be momentous or ordinary or somewhere in between.

On the last Monday of each month we engage in mindfulness about something that is right with our world. Everyone is welcome to join.

this is hosted by www.lavenderluz.com and is a monthly blog hop! 

Well Munchkin is officially a Tiger Cub Scout.  He could not be happier.  We went on the first campout a week ago.  It was at a camp ground that I used to frequent with the Girl Scouts many, many years ago. We talked about safety, we talked about protecting the environment, we talked about camp fires and everything else.  All week we prepared mentally for this.

One of the days driving home from school he asked me "Was Daddy a Boy Scout like my uncles?"  My breath caught in my chest.
"No Munchkin, he was not, he actually never had the opportunity"
"But why not Momma?"

How do you explain to a kiddo that by the time his Daddy was born, his parents were of their own admission "tired"  that his uncles are the age of MY parents.   All of these things ran through my head.

"well, because there wasn't a troop at his school or church" While that is only partly true, it was enough for him.

We went on with our preparations.   The morning before we left, I was declared the "Most Fabulous, to the moon and back AWESOME MOMMY, because you are taking me camping mom"  His words, not mine!   The weather was perfect, his asthma was in a very rare state of control.  We had the limited amount of gear we needed and we started packing up the car.   I had given him a list of what to bring-none of which included anything with an on/off switch and he did not care one bit!  There was no fussing, no arguing and no nothing.  He didn't even ask me if I was bringing my iPad!  

I spoke with my brother and made sure I wasn't leaving out anything essential-he nicely suggested some extra water for all of us!

 On Saturday afternoon, we arrived at the campsite.  He helped me unload the car and pitch our tent.  He had a fantastic time exploring with the boys and making new friends.  He was one of the first to volunteer when help was needed and was generally happy and cheerful the entire time.  I got to spend some time with my brother and uncle and the kids ran around happy as could be.   My Munchkin spent the better part of the weekend climbing trees.  The smile on his face was PRICELESS!

On a hike, he learned about different plants-what to touch and what not to touch and why.  He tried his hand at geo-caching and learned how to read a GPS.   After the campfire, most of the moms left-no sleeping in tents for them.  Munchkin was asleep in 5 seconds flat after he got in the tent.   I lay there and just gave thanks for the time we have together.  I am so happy that he enjoyed himself so much, there may be some family camping in our future!

Because, really, there is not much better than spending time in nature with the people you love.

Perfect Moment Monday

Ok a little late but better than never right?

We have had so many simple moments, I honestly don't know where to start.

Munchkin is growing up so quickly. The other night, we were playing in the yard. I love to take pictures, well now I do anyway...it was one of the duties I picked up when Robert died, He took pictures of us every month, documenting Munchkins growth and changes. For several months it didn't hit me that wasn't doing that. The I realized my camera was broken and got a new one and started snapping.

While he was running around the yard squirting dandelions with his new squirt gun, I went inside and grabbed my camera. I was able to capture his joy at playing with his squirt gun int he beautiful light of dusk. He was laughing and I was looking at him through my lens letting him run wild while I snapped away.

I soaked it up. He was being a ham, flashing his big smile and gorgeous blue eyes and my heart was full of contentment to be able to share this time with him.

Sometimes for me or is the simplicity of life without drama or sadness that really recharges my soul!


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Perfect Moment Monday is about noticing a perfect moment rather than creating one. Perfect moments can be momentous or ordinary or somewhere in between.

On the last Monday of each month we engage in mindfulness about something that is right with our world. Everyone is welcome to join.

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Till Death do us part...

Dear Robert,
14 years ago today I met you at the altar.  It was a fairy tale wedding...quite simple and elegant.  I remember your big smile.  The church was still decorated for Easter, the music was perfect.  Our family and friends were all there (even the ones who pledged that they would not come!)  I remember that our voices shook and we both had tears of joy in our eyes as we said our vows.  I remember walking over to the statue of the Virgin Mary and praying for a family that was happy and healthy and blessed.   I remember my little cousins as the ring bearer and flower girl-they were so adorable!

Never did I dream that when we said "till death do us part" that it would actually happen to us.  I never  imagined a world without you.  I imagined growing old together celebrating milestone after milestone.  We dreamed of putting down "roots" like you never really got to do.   We imagined raising our kids around my family....the huge rambuncious loving lot of them.   Never did I dream that I would be fulfilling our dreams without you. 

When I pledged to love and honor you all the days of my life, I imagined that you would be by my side, returning the same love and honor to me. 

When I pledged to love  you from this day forward, for better for worse rich or for poor, in sickness, in health, as long as we both shall live-I never imagined our marrige would be cut short. 

But it has.   We are both not living, you are dead and I am not.   I love you, I will always love you all the days of my life.  But I am here and you are not.  It breaks my heart that you aren't here and that we are no longer husband and wife (although I guess technically, in the eyes of the church we are still married, I can't think of a reason to file an annullment)

So to honor you today, I will remember your love for me, your dedication to me, your loyalty to me.  I am honored to have been your wife.   I am blessed in so many ways and my heart is so full of love for you it aches.   I always looked forward to the letters that you would write to me.  I miss that.  I have them all in binders.  I do believe that I actually kept every letter that you ever wrote to me.  When I cleaned out your nightstand, I was relieved to see that you had also kept my letters.  I thought I was the only crazy pack rat in our house ;).  I haven't read them for a long time, but I have most of them memorized.  You had such a beautiful way with words. 

It is heart wrenching for me that you are gone, but honestly I have to remind myself that I am still here.  I am still raising our child and  I have to go on with life enough for the both of us.

Love Always,
Your Irish Princess

Daddy's Toolbox

Ok, a vast majority of the useful tools (screwdrivers, wrenches, etc) were in the car with him when he died.   Some of them were returned to me.

See the morning after the accident (I think??-it may have been a few days later), two of our closest friends drove to where our cars were towed and retrieved our personal belongings.  They brought back what they thought they could save or clean to me in big black garbage bags.   While I witnessed the carnage as it happened, they went and touched the car and went to the accident site and walked around and found pieces of our life and brought them back to me.

I will be foreverr grateful that they had the fortitude and wherwithall to do it.   I know I did not.   I was too busy sitting on the floor of my living room rocking back and forth in tears.  It was all I could do to keep myself from either withering away or exploding into a rage.  I rocked and prayed.


I sat in my garage with my parents on either side and my sister with munchkin on her hip and I opened the bags and I sobbed, and sobbed and sobbed.  I couldn't breathe.  My parents cleaned what they could and sorted through things.   When I could breathe again I picked up pieces of things and started sobbing again. 

I remember picking up our duffle bag and seeing that the canvas was split open and that everything was soaked in blood and covered with the shattered glass.   I cried and cried.   As I touched his things, it was hitting me that he would never again have use for anything on earth including me.  That the morning that he kissed me last would be the last time I would ever feel his lips, his hands his breath.  It took my breath away and I collapsed into a heap on the floor of tears. 

I digress, one of the things they brought me were some of his tools. The ones that were not mangled beyond recognition, were covered in blood. 

Well, one of my brothers wiped off his tools and put the tool box on the work bench.

When I finally went back to Texas to retrieve our thigs, we brought his tools.   When we opened the tool box, it smelled of decomposition.  We cleaned and scrubbed everything.   I mean SCRUBBED!  I ended up having to throw away the plastic tool box.  We had soaked it in bleach, rubbed it with baking soda, used industrial cleaner, anything we could think of to make the smell go away.   My brother at one point took everything to his house and soaked them in somehting else in his garage.  

The end result was that the two other tool boxes that were not in the car now house his tools.   There are odds and ends in there.   Change for the vacuum at the car wash, bits of wire, connectors, evidence of the daily use he once had for his tools. 

Well, munchkin has taken an interest in Daddy's tools.  He has started opening the tool boxes to find things to help with.  I don't use them much at all, I use my little house kit I bought for myself....you know the pink one...quite girly I know.   But this morning as I was folding laundry, munchkin was going through the little tool box and pulling out things and asking me what they were. 

It hit me, things were right and wrong all at the same time.  They were right in the fact that my curious little boy had taken and interest in Daddy's tools. Wrong on so many levels that Robert is not here to show him and enjoy it with him.   My heart hurts with the knowledge that Robert would have relished in teaching Munchkin and helping him learn about the world around him.  My brain cannot get around the fact that it is up to me to do it.  

So I take a breath and say a prayer, put a smile on my face and give thanks that my father insisted that his girls learn the basics of tools. 

The Sleepless Lesson

The other night I had a sleepless night.   They are now few and far between-I am grateful.  It used to be that a night of rest was the rarity!

I digress, those who have insomnia can attest that there is NOTHING good on TV at 3 am.  Perhaps that is by design, but really when you are trying to shut off your brain, some mindless TV goes a long way!     When we lived with mom and dad after the accident, I used to leave the TV on all night.   I couldn't handle the emptiness of my bed and compound that with the silence of my room...well, I had to have some background noise.  So now, when I can't fall asleep I turn on the TV and it usually helps. 


As I was laying there willing myself to sleep I heard a song.  It spoke to me.  

 

"Lift the darkness, Light a fire,

For the silent and the broken hearted"

 

"There's a comfort there's a healing

High above the pain and sorrow

Change is coming, can you feel it?

Calling us to a new tomorrow. "

 

"STAND UP, SUGARLAND"

Wow, just wow.  Those lyrics were exactly what I needed to hear.  I promptly downloaded the song (Shazaam rocks :) ) and fell asleep.

So for the last few days I have been listening to the song.  It is all about using your voice and standing up for those around us.  I have been thinking about what it is that I am supposed to be doing.   What is the lesson that God is trying to show me?  Sometimes He is subtle, sometimes, not so much.  Sometimes, I doubt there is purpose in my writing and sharing of my feelings.  I know that I didn't start publishing until I was widowed for a very long time (relative to a lot of the other blogs out there).  But here is my secret-there were a few widows that I met early on both in person and in their writing that were much farther out.   They shared where they were in their journey with me and it gave me hope.  It showed me that people can be ok and people can be happy and that I too could survive.   Not only survive but thrive in my new life. 

This is not the life that any of us ordered, however, I can tell you that there is peace, there is happiness and takes time.  There are still bad days-but now for me they are few and far between.  The nighmares fade with time and the memories now bring a smile.  Take a deep breath, the storm will clear and eventually you will catch a glimpse of the beautiful blue sky!  Just hang on and keep swimming!

Dear Robert...

Dear Robert,
Today marks five years since that morning.  I still miss you, but more than that, I hope that you really can see us from Heaven.  I hope that you can see just how far we have come.  I hope that you know that even though I don't cry every day that I still love you and I still miss you.   

I hope that you can see how much you have shaped me as a person.  I am not the same young girl that you married, and I am not the same woman who buried you.  I have tried very hard to make sure that losing you did not make me old and bitter.   That losing you gave me the opportunity to acknowledge your love for me and for Munchkin.  

I look around myself and I still see pieces of you everywhere.  Today, they make me smile more than cry and I am glad that I did hold on to some of your things.   I have your piano, your trumpet.  In the back of my closet I have one of your bears sweatshirts...it is tattered, but it reminds me of you.  I sitll have "Conductor Bear" and your bottle of cologne  I can pick it out anywhere!   The other day I came across one of your written compositions of piano music.   It reminded me of all of the time that we had spent together in the studio. 

Well, I finally have a music room again, and Munchkin and I spend time together making music. 

Honestly, I didn't think that I would have come this far.  I hope that you can see all of my new friends and that you see the friends of ours who stood by my side and helped me.   Because, really at the beginning, there were days where it was almost insurmountable to put my feet on the floor and get out of bad, missing you hurt me that badly.   I think for many of our friends, it was too much for them to see me so broken. 

But many friends stood by me.  I had friends and family that were there.  They helped me see the light and to remember you when it was too hard to even bear.  Some kicked my butt when I needed it, some dried my tears and others just listened when I needed to talk about you.   For a long time, I felt that I was losing you over and over again daily.   Our friends helped me to see that was not the case. I hope that you can see them too!

My sister and my brothers, they miss you too.  More than they talk about.   I know that they do.  Munchkin peppers them and me with questions about you.  It is sweet to see how they answer him.  Mom and Dad miss you too.    They worry about me and about Munchkin but I think that they finally believe that we will be ok. 

Oh, and our baby boy, he isn't so much a baby anymore.  He is a vibrant happy boy.  We play baseball, ride bikes and play catch.  I think of you, and I hope you can see us being happy.  Really, more than anything, I hope you see us happy.  I hope you know that happiness is possible again only because I know that you loved me so completely.  I know that you would want me to be happy.  I know that it broke your heart anytime I would cry, so to honor your memory I look for and seek out the happiness. 

I try and teach that to Munchkin as well.   I hope you can see what a good heart he has and how hard he works at everything that he does.   He does many things that you used to do.   He uses many of your hand gestures and definitely has your daredevil sense of adventure!  (He does however have my sarcasm and quick wit!) 

What I really hope that you know is that you are a part of me and you always will be.  I was changed because of losing you, but my biggest blessings and changes have come from knowing you and being your wife.  

Love Always,
Your IrishPrincess

Changes...

I have written before how much Robert LOVED the Chicago Bears...I mean REALLY LOVED the CHICAGO BEARS.

This past week, #54 entered free agency and is no longer a Bear. WOW, I am having a hard time wrapping my head around how Robert would have reacted to that. 

While I know that the world has moved on the past few years, sometimes it feels as if it is moving at warp speed. 

Let's just take a look at a few things that have really changed:
--Brian Urlacher is no longer a Bear
--Packers have a new quarterback
--We have had 2 presidential elections (although they were full of mudslinging so I guess that isn't all that new!)
--I have had 2 apartments and now a house that he was not a part of in anyway shape or form
--Munchkin is in elementary school!!! (can't really believe that myself)
--The place where we had our wedding reception is now a CVS
--The gazebo where he asked me to marry him, is now demolished
--ND went to the championship (and lost pitifully, but that is a whole other story!)


I guess my point is sometimes we have to admit that the rest of the world is moving on, even when we can't admit it to ourselves.   Sometimes it takes noticing the changes around us to realize the changes that are slowly happening inside of us. 

I no longer cry myself to sleep every day.  I find joy where ever I can spot it and I hold on to it for dear life.   Flashbacks of the accident have subsided for the most part.  I can catch a glimpse here and there of my former self, however I see the new me daily.  The me who stands up and does what needs to be done for my family.   And I am proud of me, and I know Robert is too!

going back in time

This weekend, a friend had a surprise birthday party near NIU where I went to college.  My last year there was filled with Robert.  We made so many memories on that campus, I cannot even begin to put them into words.  It really is a beautiful campus.   I told Munchkin that we would go see a castle and gargoyles.  I brought my camera and I wanted to take some portraits of him there as well.

It was on that very same campus where we spent a first date flying kites, and when the wind took them away from us, Robert ran like the dickens after the dollar store kites to bring them back triumphantly to me.  We used to walk to that field every time he came to visit.  We spent hours upon hours walking and talking the length of then entire campus.  

There is a particular spot by the castle that looks like I choir loft-well I always thought that it did anyway.  Other music majors thought I was nutty.   The first time I took Robert there he saw the loft immediately.  

Later in time he even proposed to me on that campus.   There was a beautiful stone gazebo.  He drove me out to campus under the guise of meeting friends for lunch and took me to our  gazebo.   He got down on one knee and asked me to give him the honor of being his wife.  I began to cry and said yes.  We were immediately chased out of there by some angry wasps who did not appreciate the noise underneath their hive! 

So my thoughts for last weekend were to take Munchkin to campus, take a bunch of portraits, take him to the gazebo and then go to the surprise party.  

We had a blast exploring around the castle.  I showed him where I used to live.  The music building, the science building.  We found the gargoyle to now be headless...there are now Huskies around the campus.  It was a ton of fun. 

When I headed over to the gazebo for more pictures, I found a pile of rocks. 

Literally, the gazebo was a pile of rubble.  There are not words to express the shock to my core.  It was as if someone had pulled the rug from beneath my feet.   I had prepared myself mentally to relive his proposal because I thought it would be neat to have pictures of Munchkin there.  Never in my dreams would I have imagined that this gazebo would have been demolished.  

I know that our story lives on in my heart, however, I really want to be able to share pieces of our story with Munchkin and I am cruelly reminded that life moves forward even if we are not quite ready, it will still barrel ahead at warp speed.   Sometimes our only solace in the fast pace of life, is to stop and cherish the joy that is in front of us.

Right Place....Right Time

Today I was on the phone at work. I was trying to find time to fit in an evening teleconference with a west coast colleague. I mentioned....we'll tonight is PTA, tomorrow is TaeKwonDo....the lady jokes..."we live in the same world". I laughed and let my flippant side out.
"we are in no way in the same world"
She replied, "why is that?"
"I'm widowed"
She paused and said she was sorry. She then told me her husband was just diagnosed with end stage pancreatic cancer.

We were both weeping. I apologized to her. Me and my big mouth!

But I told her that it would be ok. She asked me to tell her that her kids would be ok. I assured her that they would. I also said that it isn't easy and it would not be ok for a while and that was ok too, but that yes it will be ok.

Not today, not tomorrow but eventually it will be ok. I know that is very hard to fathom, but just take one thing at a time. I went through months where I had to remind myself to breathe. But a few weeks after the accident a very sweet woman who was widowed and remarried, took me for coffee and told me those same words.

To hear someone has survived and to see them be ok is what fed my hope. It made me find my inner strength to realize that someday it would get better.

Today, I happened to be able to pay that dose of hope forward.

Conversations and Memories

Yesterday was a crazy day...Munchkin had a tournament that went all day...he did awesome and cheered on his friends who also did VERY well.  Late in the afternoon, the parents decided we would all go out for some dinner.  The kids all entertained each other.  They are really great friends, and the grown ups sat around talking.  It was nice and simple.

For one of the first times, I did not feel out of place at all.  My widowed-ness didn't burn through my body.  I actually sat back and enjoyed myself.  We swapped stories of wild climbing boys...discussed parenting and laughed that all of our kids do just about the same stuff!

At one point the conversation drifted-the question came up-WHAT is the best year of your life?  Hmmmm....well one couple said the decade they are in now.   A father said his 30's...his kids were here, a little younger and he had more time. 

My answer was most of the year I turned 30.  Munchkin was born a few weeks after my 30th birthday.  The following ten months, although wrought with struggles, were bliss.  We were a family, there was three of us.  Even though Robert had MAJOR back surgery when munchkin was 3 months old, and it was hard.  When I say hard...I mean HARD.  He couldn't take care of himself, and there was no way he could take care of Munchkin either.  He had virtually no mobility in his back brace.  I ended up taking a leave of absence to care for him when he got home.  We spent months together, just the three of us.  We figured it out and it was great.

My sister got married that year and in retrospect, it was the LAST time that my family was all together in one place.   We literally didn't know until the day before whether Robert was going to be able to fly with us-by the Grace of God he was able to go.  We had a fantastic time.

Now, even though there were great things that happened, the year I was 30, I was also widowed.  I watched Robert die in front of my and my life has been forever changed. 

So in the span of less than twelve short months, my son was placed into my arms, and Robert left this earth.

If someone had told me even 2 days before the accident that Robert would die-I would not have changed one thing about how we spent our time.  That was the year that I really learned to be present and to enjoy what was in front of me.  I think that is what set that year apart for me.   The majority of the year was so memorable, because I was busy taking in the joy of being a mother and being a family of three that I decided to let everything else fall away. 

Friends

This week, two separate people whom I have met in the last five years took the time to call me up and just say hello.   Neither of these people ever knew Robert or the "old" me.  They have only known me AFTER the accident. 

One called to say-"Hey I can't imagine, but I am figuring March is a rough month for you, just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you!"

I am so grateful to call her a friend.  She is so sweet and sincere and I am happy to know her.

Another one sent me a text "He I was thinking about you, and I wanted you to know that even though I never met Robert, I am sure he was a wonderful person"

Again, a true and sincere woman whom I am happy to claim as a friend.

I guess maybe now 5 years later, I have come out of my soul crushing sadness enough to let my love shine so much that people who never met Robert are willing to reach out to me with encouragement and friendship. 

I am feeling very very blessed for that-especially since for the longest time, I could not see the light  at the end of the tunnel and I was pretty much convinced that I would never have another joyful moment.  

I am very blessed to have some lifelong friends who have stuck by my side, in thick and thin as well as some new friends who are showing me that it is OKAY to let people into our lives. 

Perfect Moment Monday-SNOWBALLS

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Perfect Moment Monday is about noticing a perfect moment rather than creating one. Perfect moments can be momentous or ordinary or somewhere in between.
On the last Monday of each month we engage in mindfulness about something that is right with our world. Everyone is welcome to join.


http://www.blogher.com/frame.php?url=http://LavenderLuz.com

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This month we have had actual snow! Inches of it.  Now a little background, I lived in Texas for nearly ten years and I whined and moaned and groaned every winter that I missed snow and seasons!
Therefore, I do not complain of snow.  In the past four years, it has become somewhat of a joke in my family because Texas has had more snow than we have had!  We even had a record number of days without snow here in Chicago. 

Well a week or so ago, we got about 6 inches of snow. We were not going to miss the opportunity to enjoy the cold white stuff.   While I was outside shoveling, Munchkin was feeling well enough to come out and help me.   Well, his "helping" turned into the two of us playing.  I decided it was more fun and far more important to play with him-he will be grown soon enough and not wanting to play with Mommy!

For 20 minutes, it was glorious.  I showed him how to make snowballs, and we threw them at each other.  Laughing, and running around, Munchkin was all smiles.   We then built a mini "sled hill" and he had great fun "sledding" down it.

It was absolutely priceless to be able to just stop and throw snowballs.  To listen to his laughter and just generally have fun with Munchkin!  When we were cold, we went inside and made some hot cocoa-topped with whipped cream.   Sometimes, the best moments are those that just happen.   I hope that as Munchkin grows older, he finds joy in the memories that we make together.  

Simple Joys

Talking to a friend the other day, he asked me what was new. I said with a big triumphant announcement that I.HAVE.A.SLOP.SINK! He looked at me like I had two heads. It's all about finding joy in the little things I told him.

Munchkin managed to get something red all over a shirt....in the routine cleaning of the never ending laundry pile. I realized something. I have a slop sink. It made me laugh and then smile. For the first time in my grown up life...I have a REAL laundry room.

Now, this may seem strange. Living in Texas, I had become accustomed to doing laundry in a sauna (cough) I mean garage. Yes our washer and dryer were in the GARAGE. That meant that when it was 120 in the shade, I was doing laundry, not in the air conditioning, but in the heat. It also meant that Robert had equal access to the washer and dryer and it was not unusual for them to be covered in tools and car parts, or full of greasy grimy car towels. (for the record, running simple green in hot water will remove the grime). Now, while I fondly remember these facts now, when I had a full load of laundry in my arms, tripped over the ledge to the garage and discovered the aforementioned state of my washing machine-well let's just say I have a very robust vocabulary of four letter words.

Living in an apartment, while I did have a very nice washer and dryer in our unit, well all of those girly things that get line dried...the only place for my drying rack was in our living room. Really, I'm sure my siblings had more views of my undergarments than anyone needs to see or cares to admit. Oh, and soaking clothes stained with preschool masterpieces-the choices were kitchen counter (all four feet of it) bathroom counter (where munchkin could play with it) or a space on the floor.

So yes,I have a slop sink, my messy boy can get as messy as he wants and I have a place to make his clothes presentable. It is the simple things that make me happy.