Feeling especially grateful this morning. I got up early and baked what I need to take to Mom and Dad's. For once it looks like all of my siblings will be present and we will be able to hopefully have a nice meal.
This year, mom and dad won't be here for Christmas. They will be spending it across the country, which reminds me that all too soon they will be true snowbirds and it will be dependent upon us to go to them. Which also means that holidays in my childhood home are limited.
I remember when each of my parents had to say good bye to their respective childhood homes. For dad, we did a final walk through and I was a small child--early elementary school. He showed us the "hiding spots" in the floor boards and I could see him remembering his childhood. At the time, I didn't understand the melancholy that hung in that attic bedroom that day, however, I now know that time will come soon for my siblings and I.
For mom, I was in college and her dad was selling the house because he was getting remarried. To say it was chaotic would be putting it nicely and be an understatement of the world. There were so many memories in that house, that I even as a teenager knew I would miss. I learned to read on my grandpa's lap in front of the fire place. I learned to love science in the basement lab, and I learned how to be prepared for emergencies as my grandmother was diabetic.
I wonder what Munchkin will remember of the house---will it be living there after Robert died? That his grandparents provided a safe landing for us in the biggest turmoil of our life? Will it be the fact that his Nana has taught him to cook in her big kitchen? Will it be reading with them in the den? Watching football and baseball with Papa?
At any rate, whatever his memories of my childhood house hold, I hope that they are happy ones, and I am grateful that he has so many experiences with my family.
I hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving!
Thursday, November 27, 2014
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Dialing the phone
For the past several years in my career, I have been on teams where I was flat out told to not let people know that I am smarter than them. Literally, I was expected to not answer questions because 60 year old men don't like to be reminded that a younger woman could be smarter than they.
Talk about irritating, I resented it, however being that my industry is dominated by old men...I played along.
Ultimately that was one of the driving factors off me leaving my old job. As we speak I am on a plane returning from the first conference that I have been to in a long time. I am in the same industry-new company. This time was so different, I was actually applauded and encouraged for my intelligence. I had potential clients come to our booth for the express purpose of debating policy or data analytics with me.
I spent an entire dinner debating statistical analysis and predictive modeling to refine a project for a client. The person three levels above that person came to me this morning to thank me for my insights and tell my boss that I was brilliant and a true asset to the company.
I'm on such a high right now it is unbelievable. There were so many great things that happened this conference. As I was getting on my flight I just wanted to share with someone.
I actually dialed Robert's cell phone number and almost hit send before I caught myself. He has been dead over six years and my instinct is still to call him first. It was a sucker punch to the gut. I mean-I can't remember to take out the trash but I remember a phone number I haven't dialed in six years?!?! What kind of joke is that?
Ironically...my mothers radar must have been going off because she tested me asking about my trip. I called her back and we chatted and shared everything. She was excited for me and I was excited to share!
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Friends
Right after Robert died, I lost a lot of our common friends. I know this isn't something that I only went through, but seems to be a common thing with people who have gone through loss. I mourned Robert and then I mourned the loss of people who were staples in our lives for years. Some of these people who disappeared, I know that the did it for their own self preservation...I am a reminder that bad things happen. At the time, I didn't get that. I do now, although for me it was hard fought understanding.
Don't get me wrong, not everyone left. Some came from the shadows and took bigger roles and my Best Friend and her entire family filled along with my entire family filled out our needs. I have written many times on how grateful I am for my family. This is something different. Something more subtle, that I didn't quite notice at first.
Time has given me perspective that I did not see right away. In my effort to get up everyday and function and rebuild a life for myself and preserve and defend childhood for Munchkin, people have come in droves. Many were curious--how did he die? how did you live? I learned to deal with those people with a silent grace. I politely answered questions and moved on. At first it seemed like I did a lot of that. Answer and move forward. After time, I realized I didn't have to answer.
There are new people. People that I didn't know, many who never knew Robert.
They have carefully planted themselves in our lives and are sticking around. The ones who call or text just to say hi. The ones who are really getting to know us. Some of them have kids around Munchkin's age, other's don't.
Some began as Robert's friends and have found their way into my inner circle. They help me keep his memory alive and talk about him often. Some of them even share stores with Munchkin. Those that knew me before and after---they are special. But this isn't really about them.
This is about the unexpected friends---the ones that have made themselves more like family, and when they say you can count on them--they mean it.
Our Taekwondo family is amazing....so many of the parents and instructors---I cannot even begin to describe my gratitude for everything that they have given us. From providing fantastic non-family male role models, to teaching Munchkin qualities of character. They are there---they are there when he or I am sick and if we need anything, there are many of them that are a text away.
One of these Taekwondo instructors has become one of my closest friends. She is there to laugh, cry, hang out or whatever. With or without kids. She steps up and listens and she is just an amazing woman. She loves my Munchkin as one of her own and we get along very well...it is hard to imagine that I have only known her a few years--our friendship is natural and easy and I am grateful.
There is another woman---one who over time has shown that we have very similar values and attitudes toward a lot of things. She is sweet, kind and funny and I could not love her three boys more. Our son's get along well and she is just such a positive calming influence. I treasure her friendship.
There are so many more...but the common theme here is that I would not have connected with these people if my life hadn't taken such a drastic turn. Time has given me the ability to find *my friends* instead of our friends.
So for those friends both old and new--thank you for being a part of our life.
Don't get me wrong, not everyone left. Some came from the shadows and took bigger roles and my Best Friend and her entire family filled along with my entire family filled out our needs. I have written many times on how grateful I am for my family. This is something different. Something more subtle, that I didn't quite notice at first.
Time has given me perspective that I did not see right away. In my effort to get up everyday and function and rebuild a life for myself and preserve and defend childhood for Munchkin, people have come in droves. Many were curious--how did he die? how did you live? I learned to deal with those people with a silent grace. I politely answered questions and moved on. At first it seemed like I did a lot of that. Answer and move forward. After time, I realized I didn't have to answer.
There are new people. People that I didn't know, many who never knew Robert.
They have carefully planted themselves in our lives and are sticking around. The ones who call or text just to say hi. The ones who are really getting to know us. Some of them have kids around Munchkin's age, other's don't.
Some began as Robert's friends and have found their way into my inner circle. They help me keep his memory alive and talk about him often. Some of them even share stores with Munchkin. Those that knew me before and after---they are special. But this isn't really about them.
This is about the unexpected friends---the ones that have made themselves more like family, and when they say you can count on them--they mean it.
Our Taekwondo family is amazing....so many of the parents and instructors---I cannot even begin to describe my gratitude for everything that they have given us. From providing fantastic non-family male role models, to teaching Munchkin qualities of character. They are there---they are there when he or I am sick and if we need anything, there are many of them that are a text away.
One of these Taekwondo instructors has become one of my closest friends. She is there to laugh, cry, hang out or whatever. With or without kids. She steps up and listens and she is just an amazing woman. She loves my Munchkin as one of her own and we get along very well...it is hard to imagine that I have only known her a few years--our friendship is natural and easy and I am grateful.
There is another woman---one who over time has shown that we have very similar values and attitudes toward a lot of things. She is sweet, kind and funny and I could not love her three boys more. Our son's get along well and she is just such a positive calming influence. I treasure her friendship.
There are so many more...but the common theme here is that I would not have connected with these people if my life hadn't taken such a drastic turn. Time has given me the ability to find *my friends* instead of our friends.
So for those friends both old and new--thank you for being a part of our life.
Friday, July 4, 2014
Independance Day and Missing Robert
It is the Fourth again. A time for families and reflection and celebration of our country. I will celebrate today with Munchkin but today, the void that is always there stings just a bit more than usual.
The world is missing a great Patriot. Robert was one of those men who loved his country to his core. He took his responsibilities as a citizen of our nation to heart. He voted in every election and made sure that he was informed on the issues and candidates. He knew in his core that he loved his country and that the principals that the USA was founded on are far bigger than any one person, office or season of politics. That at the end of the day, the country was designed to allow change by the people via means of an election. It is idealistic, but that was him.
Many people don't know this, but one of his dreams was to be the Conductor of the President's Own Marine Band. That was what he wanted to do with his career--however, he was ineligible for the military. Given that, he never passed an opportunity to play in or conduct an ensemble that played patriotic music. I wish that I had more video and recordings of him playing.
I am not sure why I share these details other than I think it is important for his dreams to be known to someone other than me.
I loved hearing him play his trumpet and his piano when he played anything, but honestly his rendition of the Star Spangled Banner on trumpet always gave me chills. It saddens me that his trumpet has been silenced way before it ever should have been. I do take it out and polish it because the thought of it being marred by tarnish is far too much for me to even entertain in my brain.
I am finding that words are failing to do justice for me today...to that end, enjoy your celebration today and I will do my best to teach Munchkin all the reverence and respect for our Country that Robert and I would have done together.
The world is missing a great Patriot. Robert was one of those men who loved his country to his core. He took his responsibilities as a citizen of our nation to heart. He voted in every election and made sure that he was informed on the issues and candidates. He knew in his core that he loved his country and that the principals that the USA was founded on are far bigger than any one person, office or season of politics. That at the end of the day, the country was designed to allow change by the people via means of an election. It is idealistic, but that was him.
Many people don't know this, but one of his dreams was to be the Conductor of the President's Own Marine Band. That was what he wanted to do with his career--however, he was ineligible for the military. Given that, he never passed an opportunity to play in or conduct an ensemble that played patriotic music. I wish that I had more video and recordings of him playing.
I am not sure why I share these details other than I think it is important for his dreams to be known to someone other than me.
I loved hearing him play his trumpet and his piano when he played anything, but honestly his rendition of the Star Spangled Banner on trumpet always gave me chills. It saddens me that his trumpet has been silenced way before it ever should have been. I do take it out and polish it because the thought of it being marred by tarnish is far too much for me to even entertain in my brain.
I am finding that words are failing to do justice for me today...to that end, enjoy your celebration today and I will do my best to teach Munchkin all the reverence and respect for our Country that Robert and I would have done together.
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Top Ten Experiences of Being Widowed
Six years ago, I could not see the light of day. I could not fathom that I could accomplish anything by myself. I depended on my family for a sounding board for EVERY little decision that had to be made. Seriously, I was paralyzed in my grief and I put up with a lot from the world around me that I should not have.
I have learned and grown over time, but honestly there are some things that still suck. So being the positive person that I am-here are 10 things that I have learned in the last 6 years. (Yep, a little tongue in cheek here, but bear with me.)
10. You get to care for your house all yourself--in addition to a "girly" master bedroom that you don't have to compromise on, you also get all of the bills, repairs and manual labor that goes with a house
9. Eat whatever you want--just know that you are usually doing it alone
8. Parenting choices are not up for debate-piano lessons--done, not playing tackle football--done and done, however, know that you are on the sidelines by yourself amongst other traditional family units and it is isolating and suffocating all at once
7. No one steals the covers in the middle of the night--but there also isn't anyone else to check out the noises in the middle of the night, or change batteries on smoke alarms that go haywire, or shovel the snow "one last time" before bed.
6. Sleep in as late as you wish--as long as you are up before the kiddos and dog, because there is no one else to corral them into something more useful than making "squirrel soup" in the kitchen while you snooze (seriously, don't ask...it's far worse than it sounds, I promise!)
5. Schedule parent teacher conferences to accommodate only one schedule--although there isn't another person to help you remain sane while dealing with a bureaucratic system that is failing your child (and the majority of kids in that classroom) I strongly suggest calming techniques that don't look passive aggressive, don't cross your arms or clench your jaw...let me know if you find something useful!
4. Your brothers step up and do things with you and your kiddo--but then they get mistaken for your husband--AKWARD!
3. Vacation wherever you want-provided that you can afford it on one salary and it takes you to a place that feels "safe" for a woman and child by themselves, and that you can schlep all of the luggage that you need by yourself and still manage to keep a free hand to hold onto your small child because the thought of letting go of the hand of a five year old in an airport is enough to make your heart stop!
2. Pick the redbox movies, DVR settings and shows to watch all on your own-all the time-know that death/dying/visits from the grave are very "en vogue" right now and will remind you that life is not fair
1. You don't have to share cuddle or movie time with your kiddo-but know that there is a big void where there once was three and now there are two. It is an icy elephant in the room that you and your kiddo both feel at times
- See more at: http://www.chicagolandwidowed.org/blog/top-ten-experiences-being-widowed-monday-june-23-2014#sthash.iaRo4v0v.dpuf
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Memories and Maps
This weekend my cousin and his family posted that they were at a restaurant. The map showed up in my Facebook feed and it stopped me in my tracks. They were a few miles from the accident site.
After all these years, seeing the coordinates on the map still caused my heart to stop. All I could think of was how close their beautiful family was to the site that shattered my family. It was a Sunday midmorning. They were out as a family. I knew in the rational part of my brain that the similarities ended there--but my mind played the "WHAT IF" game. And as if that wasn't torture enough for me, I started having flashbacks of the accident.
I texted them to have safe travels home--I am sure that they probably knew why--all of my family knows where the accident happened.
I spent the rest of the day telling myself that everything would be fine for them. I knew that lightening doesn't strike twice in the same place so to speak. In all honesty, I think it was just seeing the street name after all these years. It isn't like I have forgotten-but sometimes the reminders just reach up and grab me.
The accident played through my mind for the better part of the day. It took all of my concentration to focus on today, on the here and now. I did but this time it was harder and I am not quite sure why. I know that it is ok and I know that there are some things will always be hard--perhaps I should just learn to expect the hard every once in a while.
After all these years, seeing the coordinates on the map still caused my heart to stop. All I could think of was how close their beautiful family was to the site that shattered my family. It was a Sunday midmorning. They were out as a family. I knew in the rational part of my brain that the similarities ended there--but my mind played the "WHAT IF" game. And as if that wasn't torture enough for me, I started having flashbacks of the accident.
I texted them to have safe travels home--I am sure that they probably knew why--all of my family knows where the accident happened.
I spent the rest of the day telling myself that everything would be fine for them. I knew that lightening doesn't strike twice in the same place so to speak. In all honesty, I think it was just seeing the street name after all these years. It isn't like I have forgotten-but sometimes the reminders just reach up and grab me.
The accident played through my mind for the better part of the day. It took all of my concentration to focus on today, on the here and now. I did but this time it was harder and I am not quite sure why. I know that it is ok and I know that there are some things will always be hard--perhaps I should just learn to expect the hard every once in a while.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Family Trip
I am packing us up to head out of town for spring break. It has been a rough two weeks with Munchkin being sick and work being busy. oh and me having a broken wrist...makes typing kind of hard to do efficiently! I honestly haven't had time to really plan or pack.
I realized tonight as I was running through my lists in my head, that exactly six years ago to the day, the three of us were packing up and heading out of town for our first family weekend. We were excited to be a family of three taking a trip for the first time. If you are following me, you likely know that it didn't end well at all...(see here)
There are times where it still seems surreal everything that happened. Then there are times where I feel like I am in a dream. Like tonight, getting ready and realizing that I really am in this alone. We are a family of two.
I am having a hard time putting my feelings into words. In ways it feels like the crash was eons ago and happened to someone else. Some poor girl had her life shattered on the side of the road. When I look at how far I have come, it really feels like it was someone other than me.
I remember the broken feelings and I remember how much they hurt, and I take a breath and focus on my life now. My life is not bad, in fact it is far better than I imagined that it would be. There are parts of my heart that are still broken and shattered, but they are overshadowed by the parts of me that are grateful.
So, as I approach the "angel-versary" as it is commonly called, I will focus on the positive and the grateful. I will focus on the fact that I was loved well and that Munchkin was cherished by two parents even though I am the only one here.
I realized tonight as I was running through my lists in my head, that exactly six years ago to the day, the three of us were packing up and heading out of town for our first family weekend. We were excited to be a family of three taking a trip for the first time. If you are following me, you likely know that it didn't end well at all...(see here)
There are times where it still seems surreal everything that happened. Then there are times where I feel like I am in a dream. Like tonight, getting ready and realizing that I really am in this alone. We are a family of two.
I am having a hard time putting my feelings into words. In ways it feels like the crash was eons ago and happened to someone else. Some poor girl had her life shattered on the side of the road. When I look at how far I have come, it really feels like it was someone other than me.
I remember the broken feelings and I remember how much they hurt, and I take a breath and focus on my life now. My life is not bad, in fact it is far better than I imagined that it would be. There are parts of my heart that are still broken and shattered, but they are overshadowed by the parts of me that are grateful.
So, as I approach the "angel-versary" as it is commonly called, I will focus on the positive and the grateful. I will focus on the fact that I was loved well and that Munchkin was cherished by two parents even though I am the only one here.
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