Wednesday, April 17, 2013

missing summer vacation....

Here we are 10 weeks before the start of summer vacation, and I struggle yet again to balance everything.   Daycare offers a program, very expensive and tons of video game time.  Not what I really want him doing for the summer. 

Other programs around town are less expensive, but don't necessarily have anyone on staff that knows what to do for an astham attack.  Can't even consider those.  Nope...his attacks are far too frequent. 

So I think back, what did we do as kids?  HMMM....well we spent it with mom at the beach while dad worked.  We went to the library with our grandfather while the younger kiddos napped.  We went to the beach everyday and ran around.   I don't believe we even had a TV at the lake house and it didn't matter.  We played wiffle ball, rollerskated, played bubbles, caught lightning bugs and hunted for snipes.  (they are a little brown bird that tastes like chicken, no really, go look it up!)

We did everything Robert and I imagined our child would get to do.  And would have done if he was still here...he was a teacher and even with everything he had to do, he still had a solid 6 weeks off and he would have had great adventures with Munchkin in those six weeks.   I still would have had to work, but munchkin would not have had to be in a day care or camp program. 

Man does that hurt me.   It hurts me to realize that even though I miss Robert everyday-that now Munchkin is at the age where he is missing out on things because Robert is dead.  It is to the point where I don't think that I am enough.  I do the best I can.  We play, we run we read, we have family time just the two of us and we enjoy each other.   We do crazy things like drive around in the snow with hot cocoa and look at Christmas lights, we go to the beach A LOT! (probably more than we isn't our house after all...) But there are things that I cannot replicate on my own.  I can't be both at work and providing for us and home with him for the summer.  I couldn't take a vacation with him on spring break and be able to afford to pay what I need to for the summer.  

I have to be ok with the simple fact that I am doing the best that I can with what I have to do it with.