14 years ago today I met you at the altar. It was a fairy tale wedding...quite simple and elegant. I remember your big smile. The church was still decorated for Easter, the music was perfect. Our family and friends were all there (even the ones who pledged that they would not come!) I remember that our voices shook and we both had tears of joy in our eyes as we said our vows. I remember walking over to the statue of the Virgin Mary and praying for a family that was happy and healthy and blessed. I remember my little cousins as the ring bearer and flower girl-they were so adorable!
Never did I dream that when we said "till death do us part" that it would actually happen to us. I never imagined a world without you. I imagined growing old together celebrating milestone after milestone. We dreamed of putting down "roots" like you never really got to do. We imagined raising our kids around my family....the huge rambuncious loving lot of them. Never did I dream that I would be fulfilling our dreams without you.
When I pledged to love and honor you all the days of my life, I imagined that you would be by my side, returning the same love and honor to me.
When I pledged to love you from this day forward, for better for worse rich or for poor, in sickness, in health, as long as we both shall live-I never imagined our marrige would be cut short.
But it has. We are both not living, you are dead and I am not. I love you, I will always love you all the days of my life. But I am here and you are not. It breaks my heart that you aren't here and that we are no longer husband and wife (although I guess technically, in the eyes of the church we are still married, I can't think of a reason to file an annullment)
So to honor you today, I will remember your love for me, your dedication to me, your loyalty to me. I am honored to have been your wife. I am blessed in so many ways and my heart is so full of love for you it aches. I always looked forward to the letters that you would write to me. I miss that. I have them all in binders. I do believe that I actually kept every letter that you ever wrote to me. When I cleaned out your nightstand, I was relieved to see that you had also kept my letters. I thought I was the only crazy pack rat in our house ;). I haven't read them for a long time, but I have most of them memorized. You had such a beautiful way with words.
It is heart wrenching for me that you are gone, but honestly I have to remind myself that I am still here. I am still raising our child and I have to go on with life enough for the both of us.
Your Irish Princess