Today I had a phenomenal conversation with one of my mentors. This person has known Robert and I both since high school.
We were discussing the past four years and all that I have endured. He told me that I was a strong woman and an inspiration. I was floored. I don't see that in myself at all! He went on to say that he has seen me make parenting choices and life choices that most people wouldn't make...and that most people would understand if I didn't make. Again I don't see that.
But it really made me think. I know I am not strong-- really not strong. But I do know that I draw my strength from God. I know when I have nothing left, that he will give me what I need. That is what I know.
I also know that as a parent it is my job to show and teach and nurture...in spite of my exhaustion or tears or sheer emptiness. I also know that giggles and smiles soothe my heart more than anything that I can think of. So I have made some tough choices...taking a good paying job that requires full time work so that I can provide for us...living by my family even though I have a LONG commute in rush hour spending 3 1/2 to 4 hours a day in the car everyday....this way he gets relationships with my siblings and parents far easier than if we lived an hour away. Tough choices. I choose to find the positive blessings every day...easier now than it was four years ago but still hard some days.
I make decisions for us based on what is best for us and what I want for my child. The opportunities that I want him to have, the experiences I want him to have. I have made and will continue to make those choices. Everyday I will be thankful for what we have and I will pray for the strength to do it again.
Maybe that makes me an inspiration and maybe it doesn't. I sure don't see it. But maybe this was just God's way of trying to show me what I am too close to see.