Yesterday I put away our Christmas decorations. Many of them were up for the first time since Christmas 2007.
Robert and I had a few traditions. First we bought a new ornament every year, we actually bought two most years, he was fond of the glass balls from Hallmark--I have a much more whimsical taste.
We also made or purchased a piece to our village.
Our only Christmas as a family of three was 2007. Munchkin was 7 months old. It was perfect. Many of my decorations have not seen the light of day since that season.
As I was moving into our new house, my mom and dad set up my tree with munchkin and his cousins. They didn't know that I had not been putting all of the decorations up. I noticed it, but let it go. They stayed up all season. I put them away yesterday.
As I was packing things away into their boxes...yes...I am one of THOSE people, you know the ones who keep the original ornament boxes to re-use year after year. I noticed something. That I had kept up our traditions without really thinking much about it.
You see, for the past five years, I have let munchkin pick out the ornaments. I can see his tastes emerge and evolve. This year it was Frosty the snowman, last year, Alvin, 2010 it was Mickey Mouse, 2009 it was Cars. In 2008, I picked our ornament, it was a seashell with a pearl in it, it was pretty. This year munchkin asked for two ornaments.
The second one that he picked was a blue ball, it had a picture of Bethlehem and the north star. I thought when he picked it, that Robert would have really liked it. As I packed it away, I noticed, that along the bottom there were words. It is the words to Silent Night. That was Robert's all time favorite Christmas Carol!!!
I guess after all this time and all of the tears, I can still find glimpses of him here and now, for the most part it makes me smile.
The other thing that has become apparent, is that Munchkin loves Christmas! He loves the story of the birth of Jesus, he loves Santa and he loves St Nicholas. So much so, that as I was packing up, he pilfered my small musical Christmas Tree without me noticing. When I put him to bed, I saw it on his bookshelf in his room. I asked him how it got there.
He replied "I put it there mommy, I want to have a little Christmas in my room all the time". Little does he know, that is something his father would have done. I put a smile on my face and tucked him in!
Showing posts with label thankful. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thankful. Show all posts
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Parent Teacher Conference
Last week, I had the first of what I am sure will be many parent teacher conferences. I was fine getting ready for it. I know munchkin is doing well and I have had regular contact with the school and his teacher.
What I was not prepared for was entering the school to so many mother/father couples strolling the hallway. I don't know why, but I didn't expect it. Sometimes it is really the unexpected things that hit the hardest. You expect to see dad's at kids sports, you expect to see complete families at church, for some reason, I did not expect to see fathers at parent teacher conferences.
Perhaps it is our PTA push to have the dad's involved (THAT is a whole other post for another time) But stolling the halls looking at the kids creations, it was unexpected.
His conference went well, very well actually. His teacher is perfect for him and perfect for us. She is just what we both needed in this transition to big kid school, and I hope that she is one of those teachers that he remembers forever.
I am thankful that he has a teacher that is so caring and willing to work with him on his level. I am thankful that we had the opportunity to move back to my family and take advantage of such an awesome school district. I am thankful that munchkin loves school and loves to read as much as he does!
I am thankful, that the unexpected doesn't always send me into blubbering tears as it did just a few years ago. Honestly, 2 years ago, this would have been a very different entry into my journal, and I am thankful that I can see my own personal growth and strength on this journey that no one wants to take.
What I was not prepared for was entering the school to so many mother/father couples strolling the hallway. I don't know why, but I didn't expect it. Sometimes it is really the unexpected things that hit the hardest. You expect to see dad's at kids sports, you expect to see complete families at church, for some reason, I did not expect to see fathers at parent teacher conferences.
Perhaps it is our PTA push to have the dad's involved (THAT is a whole other post for another time) But stolling the halls looking at the kids creations, it was unexpected.
His conference went well, very well actually. His teacher is perfect for him and perfect for us. She is just what we both needed in this transition to big kid school, and I hope that she is one of those teachers that he remembers forever.
I am thankful that he has a teacher that is so caring and willing to work with him on his level. I am thankful that we had the opportunity to move back to my family and take advantage of such an awesome school district. I am thankful that munchkin loves school and loves to read as much as he does!
I am thankful, that the unexpected doesn't always send me into blubbering tears as it did just a few years ago. Honestly, 2 years ago, this would have been a very different entry into my journal, and I am thankful that I can see my own personal growth and strength on this journey that no one wants to take.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Grateful Reflections
Today is the fifth time we have celebrated Thanksgiving without Robert. Saying that out loud seems odd...it seems odd, that he is not here. I will tell you, that man embodied holidays. They were for nothing more than being with family. Watching movies or football and enjoying each others company. He had high expectations....GREAT FOOD and time with us. :)
So today as I reflect on my life and our love, I am relishing in the blessings in my life.
I am a mother. This is by far my favorite thing in the entire world. I am responsible for bringing up an amazing little boy and teaching him all about the world. There is nothing that is more soothing to my soul than to look at him learn something new, or give me a big sloppy hug and kiss. To see his eyes sparkly with joy, fills my heart and I am grateful.
We have a place to live.
I have a job that allows me to provide for us.
We live in the United States of America.
I have a fantastic family...they are awesome---really really awesome. Siblings, parents, aunts, uncles and cousins every last one of them. I know I am lucky beyond belief for that, because there are tons of people out there that never experienced a loving family. That makes me sad to even think that, but I know that there are.
Fabulous Friends--really, the kind of friends that drop everything and come to your aid when you finally ask for help. They know that if you are asking for help--that you really really need it! The kind that even though you don't talk often, you know that you are now and always will be close. My cirlce of friends has morphed the past few years, and I am grateful!
I am grateful to have a best friend whom I have known more years than I care to publish and that we live relatively close again. Her family is an extension of my own, her parents literally have always been a second set of parents and I am grateful.
SO today, I hope that you find a minute to be grateful for something.
So today as I reflect on my life and our love, I am relishing in the blessings in my life.
I am a mother. This is by far my favorite thing in the entire world. I am responsible for bringing up an amazing little boy and teaching him all about the world. There is nothing that is more soothing to my soul than to look at him learn something new, or give me a big sloppy hug and kiss. To see his eyes sparkly with joy, fills my heart and I am grateful.
We have a place to live.
I have a job that allows me to provide for us.
We live in the United States of America.
I have a fantastic family...they are awesome---really really awesome. Siblings, parents, aunts, uncles and cousins every last one of them. I know I am lucky beyond belief for that, because there are tons of people out there that never experienced a loving family. That makes me sad to even think that, but I know that there are.
Fabulous Friends--really, the kind of friends that drop everything and come to your aid when you finally ask for help. They know that if you are asking for help--that you really really need it! The kind that even though you don't talk often, you know that you are now and always will be close. My cirlce of friends has morphed the past few years, and I am grateful!
I am grateful to have a best friend whom I have known more years than I care to publish and that we live relatively close again. Her family is an extension of my own, her parents literally have always been a second set of parents and I am grateful.
SO today, I hope that you find a minute to be grateful for something.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Perspective....
Three times this week I had to put air in two of my tires. I blamed it on the temperature changes. An annoyance really, but a fact of life for season changes. I inspected the tires each time and the looked ok.
Yesterday, I got in my car to go and run some errands with munchkin. The car was driving funny....felt like I had a flat even though I didn't. At this point, I figured that maybe I was a moron and wasn't actually putting the right amount of air in my tires. I remembered my brother telling me that Discount Tire puts air in tires for free. I headed that way and wend inside. After waiting in line, I started with telling the guy that he was not allowed to laugh at me-but I needed air in my tires. He didn't laugh and directed me to where they put in air.
As I went over there, the guy who was putting air in tires pointed out to me that I had FOUR nails in one of the tire, and two in the other. Everytime I had put air in the tires, the part that had the nails had apparantly been on the ground so I could not see the cause.
So, I went back in line, and I got new tires. I could be really, really annoyed that I had to spend several hundred dollars that I did not plan on spending, or I could be relieved.
Relieved that I did not experience a blow out in morning rush hour traffic going 55 miles an hour in bumper to bumper traffic. Where even if I had controlled the blowout, that other drivers could have reacted, or over-reacted causing someone to get hurt. I am very grateful that did not happen, becuase it could easily happen.
So the few hundred dollars for new tires is a very small price to pay for safety.
Yesterday, I got in my car to go and run some errands with munchkin. The car was driving funny....felt like I had a flat even though I didn't. At this point, I figured that maybe I was a moron and wasn't actually putting the right amount of air in my tires. I remembered my brother telling me that Discount Tire puts air in tires for free. I headed that way and wend inside. After waiting in line, I started with telling the guy that he was not allowed to laugh at me-but I needed air in my tires. He didn't laugh and directed me to where they put in air.
As I went over there, the guy who was putting air in tires pointed out to me that I had FOUR nails in one of the tire, and two in the other. Everytime I had put air in the tires, the part that had the nails had apparantly been on the ground so I could not see the cause.
So, I went back in line, and I got new tires. I could be really, really annoyed that I had to spend several hundred dollars that I did not plan on spending, or I could be relieved.
Relieved that I did not experience a blow out in morning rush hour traffic going 55 miles an hour in bumper to bumper traffic. Where even if I had controlled the blowout, that other drivers could have reacted, or over-reacted causing someone to get hurt. I am very grateful that did not happen, becuase it could easily happen.
So the few hundred dollars for new tires is a very small price to pay for safety.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Catastrophe
Have you ever lived through a hurricane? If not, be thankful! I have lived through three including Katrina and Rita in Houston.
A hurricane is unnerving. First of all you know it is coming for days so you prepare. Schools shut down businesses shut down and communities check on each other. You tie up or bring in anything and everything that is loose outside lest it become a projectile and injure someone or break something.
Then you wait and wait. The winds and rain start ahead of the storm and when the hurricane finally comes it is hours upon hours of tornadic winds. You stay inside and listen...the power generally shuts off to lessen the likelihood of fires when things fall on transformers. So you sit there in the middle of your house in the dark holding right to your loved ones and you pray. You pray for lives to be spared knowing property can be replaced. It is terrifying and humbling.
When it is over you go outside and you see the damage. The devastation. The utter destruction and you marvel at the power of God.
Several weeks ago, Sandy hit the east coast. I spoke to a friend of mine. He talked about huddling under a staircase in his house with his wife and son for 18 hours while mother nature destroyed everything in her path.
As we were talking he started telling me of the changes to the channel. The rocky bluffs were gone. Just gone. The topography of the inlets is completely changed. There is a river way that had dried up century ago that the hurricane reopened.
As I heard him speak I got to thinking. Nature cleanses the earth with catastrophe. Hurricanes reshape the land and shores....don't believe me? Google Louisiana shoreline post Katrina. A very large part of the state was reclaimed by the Gulf of Mexico.
Fires cleanse a forest. They remove old trees so that the forest can grow and evolve. The dead brush is removed and the ashes nourish the land for future growth. The animals take cover and the slowly return. The rain and snow soothe the charred earth and life begins anew.
As I was thinking about this, I was thinking about me. Losing Robert was a catastrophic event for me. He was gone in an instant. The aftermath has been years and years of pain tempered with growth. My life will never ever be the same as it was on the morning of March 30, 2008. But I am starting to see new growth in me. I am starting to see how things have changed and how I would not have many things in my life that I do have today if that catastrophic event had not happened.
I am starting to see the positive, the life and the joy. While I still miss him deeply and that will never change, instead of thinking that my life ended on that Sunday morning, I see that that morning was a catastrophe. But that catastrophe is a part of who I am now. It is only a part....it does not consume my world anymore.
A hurricane is unnerving. First of all you know it is coming for days so you prepare. Schools shut down businesses shut down and communities check on each other. You tie up or bring in anything and everything that is loose outside lest it become a projectile and injure someone or break something.
Then you wait and wait. The winds and rain start ahead of the storm and when the hurricane finally comes it is hours upon hours of tornadic winds. You stay inside and listen...the power generally shuts off to lessen the likelihood of fires when things fall on transformers. So you sit there in the middle of your house in the dark holding right to your loved ones and you pray. You pray for lives to be spared knowing property can be replaced. It is terrifying and humbling.
When it is over you go outside and you see the damage. The devastation. The utter destruction and you marvel at the power of God.
Several weeks ago, Sandy hit the east coast. I spoke to a friend of mine. He talked about huddling under a staircase in his house with his wife and son for 18 hours while mother nature destroyed everything in her path.
As we were talking he started telling me of the changes to the channel. The rocky bluffs were gone. Just gone. The topography of the inlets is completely changed. There is a river way that had dried up century ago that the hurricane reopened.
As I heard him speak I got to thinking. Nature cleanses the earth with catastrophe. Hurricanes reshape the land and shores....don't believe me? Google Louisiana shoreline post Katrina. A very large part of the state was reclaimed by the Gulf of Mexico.
Fires cleanse a forest. They remove old trees so that the forest can grow and evolve. The dead brush is removed and the ashes nourish the land for future growth. The animals take cover and the slowly return. The rain and snow soothe the charred earth and life begins anew.
As I was thinking about this, I was thinking about me. Losing Robert was a catastrophic event for me. He was gone in an instant. The aftermath has been years and years of pain tempered with growth. My life will never ever be the same as it was on the morning of March 30, 2008. But I am starting to see new growth in me. I am starting to see how things have changed and how I would not have many things in my life that I do have today if that catastrophic event had not happened.
I am starting to see the positive, the life and the joy. While I still miss him deeply and that will never change, instead of thinking that my life ended on that Sunday morning, I see that that morning was a catastrophe. But that catastrophe is a part of who I am now. It is only a part....it does not consume my world anymore.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Blog Hop...
Nope not a Sock Hop--a Blog Hop....
Being new to this whole published blog world, I am excited to participate. It still amazes me that there are people that want to read what I have to write...but I digress...
So, I will be participating in the blog hop hosted by Samantha of Crazy Courage
So at the end of this post, you will see a list of people who in spite of surviving unimaginable tragedies, they thrive and have something to say. They have the courage to share their world with the rest of us and I ask that you take a look at what they have to say.
Maybe, just maybe you may learn something new, or find a new idea. You may find some laughter and you may find some tears, but at the end, you will be sharing a glimpse into a world that none of us would like to belong to.
The details are below:
How to Participate:
1. Visit each of the links below – both hosts and participants – and read their post. Leave them a comment with encouragement, commiseration, community, or however else the post touches you.
3. It would really help us get the word out about the Widowed Blog Hop if you would tweet, share, and spread the word about the Hop! Please use hashtags #Widowed and #BlogHop.
Being new to this whole published blog world, I am excited to participate. It still amazes me that there are people that want to read what I have to write...but I digress...
So, I will be participating in the blog hop hosted by Samantha of Crazy Courage
So at the end of this post, you will see a list of people who in spite of surviving unimaginable tragedies, they thrive and have something to say. They have the courage to share their world with the rest of us and I ask that you take a look at what they have to say.
Maybe, just maybe you may learn something new, or find a new idea. You may find some laughter and you may find some tears, but at the end, you will be sharing a glimpse into a world that none of us would like to belong to.
The details are below:
How to Participate:
1. Visit each of the links below – both hosts and participants – and read their post. Leave them a comment with encouragement, commiseration, community, or however else the post touches you.
Hosts:
Samantha of the Crazy Courage blog
Janine of One Breath At A Time
Rachel of A Little Pink in a World of Camo
Christine of Widow Island
Kiki of Life After Steve
Robin of The Fresh Widow
Ferree of Widow’s Christian Place
Brooke of 2 Peas in the Pod
Paul of Death is an Imposter
Red’s Momma’s Money Matters
Participants:
Becky’s Choosing Grace Today
Cindy’s Widow’s Pursuits
Tim’s Diary of a Widower
The Official Site of Abel Keogh
2. In the comment section of the hosts’ sites, leave a link to any related post, for example on the day-to-day issues you face, memories you have of your spouse, events you’ve attended, etc. These are things many of us discuss via our blogs anyway, so it likely won’t be out of your realm of experience.
Samantha of the Crazy Courage blog
Janine of One Breath At A Time
Rachel of A Little Pink in a World of Camo
Christine of Widow Island
Kiki of Life After Steve
Robin of The Fresh Widow
Ferree of Widow’s Christian Place
Brooke of 2 Peas in the Pod
Paul of Death is an Imposter
Red’s Momma’s Money Matters
Participants:
Becky’s Choosing Grace Today
Cindy’s Widow’s Pursuits
Tim’s Diary of a Widower
The Official Site of Abel Keogh
2. In the comment section of the hosts’ sites, leave a link to any related post, for example on the day-to-day issues you face, memories you have of your spouse, events you’ve attended, etc. These are things many of us discuss via our blogs anyway, so it likely won’t be out of your realm of experience.
3. It would really help us get the word out about the Widowed Blog Hop if you would tweet, share, and spread the word about the Hop! Please use hashtags #Widowed and #BlogHop.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Happy Halloween?
Munchkin only had one Halloween with two parents. I am so blessed that all of the rest of them have been spent with my extended family. We have trick or treated in our childhood neighborhood with my brother and sister in law and their two munchkins. We have fun. We laugh at the kids, we talk about how they are growing. We have dinner, spend time with Nana and Papa and Aunts, Uncles and Cousins. I historically have gone to bed in tears.
This year for the first time, I didn't have a kick in the gut at some point. In past years, there was something that brought me to tears. Something that reminded me harshly that we are DIFFERENT, that I AM ALONE. This year, not at all.
I had a great time. Munchkin had a great time. We saw many friends. Ran in to tons of parents of kids munchkin goes to school with. He saw many friends that he has made in school this year. He was happy and I was happy and content to see him that way. The grown ups chatted and laughed and remembered Halloweens past. Had dinner with my sister and her husband as well. She made cupcakes and provided dessert. The kids trick or treated her block as well. Everyone knows munchkin and he loves his friends on that block.
We had a holiday where we were completely happy. At the end of the evening, snuggling on the couch munchkin told me it was the best Halloween ever! Now, I realize that from the eyes of a five year old, every Halloween will be the best ever, but hearing that from him made my day.
And for that minute, I felt that maybe just maybe, I am making progress. That I am enough, that my family is enough. And for the first time in recent memory on a holiday, I went to bed happy.
I am blessed, and I am grateful.
This year for the first time, I didn't have a kick in the gut at some point. In past years, there was something that brought me to tears. Something that reminded me harshly that we are DIFFERENT, that I AM ALONE. This year, not at all.
I had a great time. Munchkin had a great time. We saw many friends. Ran in to tons of parents of kids munchkin goes to school with. He saw many friends that he has made in school this year. He was happy and I was happy and content to see him that way. The grown ups chatted and laughed and remembered Halloweens past. Had dinner with my sister and her husband as well. She made cupcakes and provided dessert. The kids trick or treated her block as well. Everyone knows munchkin and he loves his friends on that block.
We had a holiday where we were completely happy. At the end of the evening, snuggling on the couch munchkin told me it was the best Halloween ever! Now, I realize that from the eyes of a five year old, every Halloween will be the best ever, but hearing that from him made my day.
And for that minute, I felt that maybe just maybe, I am making progress. That I am enough, that my family is enough. And for the first time in recent memory on a holiday, I went to bed happy.
I am blessed, and I am grateful.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Little Kisses....
Driving to work this morning, I was admiring the beautiful fall colors. The Maples turn a beautiful crimson. The elms are yellow, there is very little green left. The sun was peeking through the clouds and making the leaves glisten. GORGEOUS! Fall is one of my favorite times of year. I love that the seasons change. The change of seasons is one of the things that I missed most living in Texas.
As I was admiring everything, my mind drifted to Robert. As that happened a song I had never heard came on to the radio and the lyrics struck me.
Don’t let the night become the day
Don’t take the darkness to the grave
I know pain is just a place
The will has been broken
Don’t let the fear become the hate
Don’t take the sadness to the grave
I know the fight is on the way
When the sides have been chosen
Cause if you never leave home, never let go
You’ll never make it to the great unknown
Open up your eyes
Keep your eyes open
So tell me you’re strong, tell me you see
I need to hear it, can you promise me to
Keep your eyes open, my love
So show me your fire, show me your heart
You know I’ll never let you fall apart if you
Keep your eyes open, my love
As I was admiring everything, my mind drifted to Robert. As that happened a song I had never heard came on to the radio and the lyrics struck me.
Don’t let the night become the day
Don’t take the darkness to the grave
I know pain is just a place
The will has been broken
Don’t let the fear become the hate
Don’t take the sadness to the grave
I know the fight is on the way
When the sides have been chosen
Cause if you never leave home, never let go
You’ll never make it to the great unknown
Open up your eyes
Keep your eyes open
So tell me you’re strong, tell me you see
I need to hear it, can you promise me to
Keep your eyes open, my love
So show me your fire, show me your heart
You know I’ll never let you fall apart if you
Keep your eyes open, my love
NEED TO BREATHE-Keep Your Eyes Open
Hearing this was like hearing someone speak to my soul. Music is very much like that. We used to always communicate with music. We were great at talking but it was not unusual for us to find some obscure lyrics and play or sing songs to each other. We could spend hours, literally hours doing this, singing, dancing, playing music and generally just plain old being in love. Man do I miss that! But as I heard the lyrics plain and clear, it was like a little kiss to my soul. A small reminder that he is still out there in the universe. For the day it gave me a reminder and a sense of peace...I know it may sound just a little crazy, but really there have been some pretty crazy things that I have experienced in my life.
So, I revel in the beauty of the world around me and I enjoy the little kisses that I get whatever they may be!
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Houston we have a problem....
Still...nearly FIVE years later I can't fly through Houston without getting physically sick.
When I walk through the airport, the memories just play and play. It doesn't matter that I am rushing through the terminal in a business suit on my way to a meeting. I see a girl, broken, crying, trying to play with her son. I see people around her looking helpless. I taste the despair...the hopelessness. I taste the bile in my throat. It makes me sick. I can feel the desperation in the air.
Even as I walk, I will forever be thankful for my family. They traversed the airport with me on many occasions. While they still do things today to be immensely helpful, they did a lot that in Houston that also plays in my mind. Mom used to have damp washcloths in a Baggie in her purse to put on my neck when I would inevitably feel faint. I had never fainted before the accident...afterward, it was a pretty regular occurrence. She would tell me it would be ok, let me cry and get me to eat or drink something. Other times I was with dad who would take munchkin and walk with him and entertain him. He would sit me down with some water and a hug and he would try his best to coax a smile and his eyes would mist over as I could not control my sobs. One time when we were really delayed he leaned over while I was rocking a sleeping munchkin and he wiped my tears jut as he did when I was a little girl.
My aunt was there often as well. She gave up time with her kids to come to me. She saw a shirt and got it for me. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION". It is a NASA shirt and I wore it daily for a really long time. She has a quiet determination about her and I was able to lean on her. She would look at me and say "what are you going to do next?". Helping me to see that there were still things that needed to be done and that even though I felt completely lost, I still had deep recesses in my brain that knew the practicality of what needed to be done. She helped me bring that back to the top.
My sister is the travel guru...she could speed us through with practical knowledge of what to do and where to go. She would hug me and make sure that I felt loved. She is awesome. She organized who was coming to stay with me and when. She dropped everything to help me. She and her husband walked around the house and just took care of stuff that needed to be done...paid bills, answered phones, cleaned, fed munchkin when I actually did manage to fall asleep...whatever needed to be done, she did, without being asked and without any complaint. She and my brothers stood at Robert's casket and made a pact to help me and care for me and they do. She has given numerous vacation days to come to my aide provided travel miles and is ALWAYS there. She is a rock. Have I mentioned that she is awesome!
My brother that is the older one...man every time he went to Houston to help me would have some sort of illness requiring an emergency room visit for his kiddos. Anaphylaxis for a 2 year old, another time was some other sort of something, however his wife was home with the 2 year old who needed to go to the ER and a newborn...in jumped brother in law (see sister paragraph above! to come to her rescue!) ...heck his wife was 8 months pregnant when they drove down after the accident....20 hours in a car with a two year old and being 8 months pregnant...just to come to my aide...SAINT! God Bless him...he still came and his wife still let him. There is a kindness and softness of their souls that is just amazing and I am glad that munchkin has him to look up to.
This is what goes through my mind when I walk through the airport there. Does not matter how tight my connection is...all the flights home go through the same few gates and it hits me like a ton of bricks and a punch in the gut. I know how broken I was, and I know rhat I have come a very long way. I have worked hard to rebuild my life. To be happy again. I think that the despair I felt there was so utterly complete and consuming that my emotion has forever scarred the airport for me.
I cannot imagine how my family felt to see me like that. My child scapes his knee and is better in five minutes and it catches my heart. I can't imagine seeing him so fully crushed and desolate. The fact that they were all there for me and still are just makes me love them even more.
When I walk through the airport, the memories just play and play. It doesn't matter that I am rushing through the terminal in a business suit on my way to a meeting. I see a girl, broken, crying, trying to play with her son. I see people around her looking helpless. I taste the despair...the hopelessness. I taste the bile in my throat. It makes me sick. I can feel the desperation in the air.
Even as I walk, I will forever be thankful for my family. They traversed the airport with me on many occasions. While they still do things today to be immensely helpful, they did a lot that in Houston that also plays in my mind. Mom used to have damp washcloths in a Baggie in her purse to put on my neck when I would inevitably feel faint. I had never fainted before the accident...afterward, it was a pretty regular occurrence. She would tell me it would be ok, let me cry and get me to eat or drink something. Other times I was with dad who would take munchkin and walk with him and entertain him. He would sit me down with some water and a hug and he would try his best to coax a smile and his eyes would mist over as I could not control my sobs. One time when we were really delayed he leaned over while I was rocking a sleeping munchkin and he wiped my tears jut as he did when I was a little girl.
My aunt was there often as well. She gave up time with her kids to come to me. She saw a shirt and got it for me. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION". It is a NASA shirt and I wore it daily for a really long time. She has a quiet determination about her and I was able to lean on her. She would look at me and say "what are you going to do next?". Helping me to see that there were still things that needed to be done and that even though I felt completely lost, I still had deep recesses in my brain that knew the practicality of what needed to be done. She helped me bring that back to the top.
My sister is the travel guru...she could speed us through with practical knowledge of what to do and where to go. She would hug me and make sure that I felt loved. She is awesome. She organized who was coming to stay with me and when. She dropped everything to help me. She and her husband walked around the house and just took care of stuff that needed to be done...paid bills, answered phones, cleaned, fed munchkin when I actually did manage to fall asleep...whatever needed to be done, she did, without being asked and without any complaint. She and my brothers stood at Robert's casket and made a pact to help me and care for me and they do. She has given numerous vacation days to come to my aide provided travel miles and is ALWAYS there. She is a rock. Have I mentioned that she is awesome!
My brother that is the older one...man every time he went to Houston to help me would have some sort of illness requiring an emergency room visit for his kiddos. Anaphylaxis for a 2 year old, another time was some other sort of something, however his wife was home with the 2 year old who needed to go to the ER and a newborn...in jumped brother in law (see sister paragraph above! to come to her rescue!) ...heck his wife was 8 months pregnant when they drove down after the accident....20 hours in a car with a two year old and being 8 months pregnant...just to come to my aide...SAINT! God Bless him...he still came and his wife still let him. There is a kindness and softness of their souls that is just amazing and I am glad that munchkin has him to look up to.
This is what goes through my mind when I walk through the airport there. Does not matter how tight my connection is...all the flights home go through the same few gates and it hits me like a ton of bricks and a punch in the gut. I know how broken I was, and I know rhat I have come a very long way. I have worked hard to rebuild my life. To be happy again. I think that the despair I felt there was so utterly complete and consuming that my emotion has forever scarred the airport for me.
I cannot imagine how my family felt to see me like that. My child scapes his knee and is better in five minutes and it catches my heart. I can't imagine seeing him so fully crushed and desolate. The fact that they were all there for me and still are just makes me love them even more.
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