Conversations and Memories

Yesterday was a crazy day...Munchkin had a tournament that went all day...he did awesome and cheered on his friends who also did VERY well.  Late in the afternoon, the parents decided we would all go out for some dinner.  The kids all entertained each other.  They are really great friends, and the grown ups sat around talking.  It was nice and simple.

For one of the first times, I did not feel out of place at all.  My widowed-ness didn't burn through my body.  I actually sat back and enjoyed myself.  We swapped stories of wild climbing boys...discussed parenting and laughed that all of our kids do just about the same stuff!

At one point the conversation drifted-the question came up-WHAT is the best year of your life?  Hmmmm....well one couple said the decade they are in now.   A father said his 30's...his kids were here, a little younger and he had more time. 

My answer was most of the year I turned 30.  Munchkin was born a few weeks after my 30th birthday.  The following ten months, although wrought with struggles, were bliss.  We were a family, there was three of us.  Even though Robert had MAJOR back surgery when munchkin was 3 months old, and it was hard.  When I say hard...I mean HARD.  He couldn't take care of himself, and there was no way he could take care of Munchkin either.  He had virtually no mobility in his back brace.  I ended up taking a leave of absence to care for him when he got home.  We spent months together, just the three of us.  We figured it out and it was great.

My sister got married that year and in retrospect, it was the LAST time that my family was all together in one place.   We literally didn't know until the day before whether Robert was going to be able to fly with us-by the Grace of God he was able to go.  We had a fantastic time.

Now, even though there were great things that happened, the year I was 30, I was also widowed.  I watched Robert die in front of my and my life has been forever changed. 

So in the span of less than twelve short months, my son was placed into my arms, and Robert left this earth.

If someone had told me even 2 days before the accident that Robert would die-I would not have changed one thing about how we spent our time.  That was the year that I really learned to be present and to enjoy what was in front of me.  I think that is what set that year apart for me.   The majority of the year was so memorable, because I was busy taking in the joy of being a mother and being a family of three that I decided to let everything else fall away. 

Bobby's World

So after moving to our new house, we had a change of TV.  I decided to go with comcast instead of directTv for a myriad of reasons. 

In this, munchkin now has access to the free on demand shows when he is allowed to watch TV.  He has started watching Bobby's World.  He thinks it is hilarious.

For those not in the know...the show is about a mischevious five year old named Bobby and all of his adventures on his big wheel with his crazy family.   I believe it is from the 80's era-I mean a very young Howie Mandel is the host of the show!

Robert, of Bobby as he was called before the age that he decided he no longer wanted to be called that LOVED that show.  He used to tell me of his antics on his big wheel and go cart when he was growing up.  How he used to wear out his shoes instead of using the brakes because he couldn't really "drift" if he used the brakes.  How he used to use the bushes in the backyard to stop his go cart.   He used to tell me that he hoped he had a child that would enjoy the same show and the same antics as him when he was younger. 

It is such a mixed bag of emotion for me that munchkin has found this and likes it so much and is literally doing what his daddy wished to do with him.  He is a high energy happy little boy who loves playing "tricks" on people and just generally engaging in boy mischeif and humor.  It makes my heart swell to see him have so much fun.   But at night, when all is quiet and still, my heart knows how much Robert would have loved to be here with us, my heart aches in doing the parenting that we both longed to do for so many years.  My heart hurts over the fact that the love of my life, is not by my side to enjoy the tastes of our feisty five year old. 

In the light of day, I put a smile on my face and enjoy every minute of his antics complete with giggles and silliness and sloppy hands and kisses.  I know that time is short and soon these days will be replaced with the antics of a teenager!

Blue Bins and Memories

So now Munchkin seems to be on the road back to healthy, the past week or so has really been about settling in.  Unpacking, sorting and arranging more stuff in the house. 

Honestly so much has been in storage since 2008, it is hard to know where to start.   I have found a bunch of stuff that I thought was lost.  It has been odd.  Still coming across his handwriting iin unexpected boxes.   Finding stuff and wondering what possesed me to actually pack it???

The BLUE BINS are almost gone!  Granted, some stuff has been repacked into green bins, but such is life right?  The blue bins were a reminder to me...they came from Texas and they have dutifully housed our tangible posessions all this time.  They reminded me of the horrid week of packing away our life, deciding what was important when in my heart, I knew that there was nothing in the house that was more important than HIM and that the simple fact that he would never come home again made everything else painful for me.  So painful, that I don't think that I functioned in any logical way for a very very long time. 

I think that the bins with the music were the most painful for me.  He was a music teacher, a musician and composer.  There are not words that can impart the meaning that music had in our lives.  We used to joke...I could play anything on paper, he could play anything on paper, but usually chose to embellish it somewhat!  Well, I sorted through music today.  All this time, I thought all the music was his, and honeslty, there is a HUGE amoung that is mine!  It is now sorted...Teaching stuff in one bin in the back of the closet.  My choral stuff close to that.  Elementary piano pulled up for munchkin to mess around with.  My band stuff front and center.  The piano is decorated nicely.  I have some pictures that I picked up to hang on the wall. 


It felt good to accomplish something that I had set aside for so long.  For nearly 5 years, I have avoided the music bins.  Well, today they are tackled.   I unearthed tons of memories, but thus far no tears.   This is huge for me.   For years, I could not even look at the blue bins, let alone open them without bursting into tears. 

My heart still aches for him and I still miss him, I always will, but for today, I am more focused on unpacking our house and moving into the future with Munchkin.  He deserves no less than my full love and attention.     

God whispers

After Robert died, I sold our house and moved home. I needed to reset the foundation of my life that had been shattered into oblivion and I knew that I needed my family. It was crazy to expect them to be there for me 1300 miles away. This was an easy decision for me as we had been talking about leaving Texas for home before munchkin was in preschool anyway. We felt strongly that we wanted him in school where we grew up. I knew it was what we would have done anyway. While that made the decision logical it was not easy to do. I felt as if I was walking away from our life.

We lived with my mom and dad in the house I grew up in for a long time. It was what I needed. I had the blessing of my parents and munchkin got to be spoiled by them. I worked through some of my hardest grief while living there. There are pictures of me for that first two years where my face simply looks haunted, My eyes are glassy and I am obviously still in shock.

We then moved into an apartment. It was what we needed. I needed to solidify our foundation but munchkin was still too young for me to be able to handle a house on my own. I honestly didn't know if I would ever be able to manage a house.

While the condo was good for me, it wasn't the best for munchkin, There was no place to run around. He had to be quiet inside. We adapted. We went to parks everyday. I kept his baseball mitt, soccer ball, scooter and tee in the back of my car.

He couldn't have friends over...we had to be quiet...five year old boys by definition are not quiet...they are bundles of laughter and energy...

In July as we pulled in from the park, he looked at me.
"momma, I am going to ask Santa for a house for Christmas"
I replied "buddy, if Santa said a DS was not in his budget, I'm pretty sure a house is out of the question"
"hmm.."
"besides, it would take the elves a long time to build it then they would not have time to make as many toys for everyone!"
"ok, mommy. I will just ask God instead. Nothing is to big for God to do"
"you are right buddy, nothing is too big for God"

Oh boy. I was floored in my tracks. Unbeknown to munchkin, I had applied for and been denied a mortgage. I had decided that it was not in God's plan for us to have a house.

I had no idea what to do. I was proud that munchkin had the understanding that things in this world are not up to us but at the same time, five year olds are not great at patience. I also know that things happen in God's time, not ours. As I lay in bed that night I gave my wish to God and got out of the way. I resolved myself that whatever happened I needed to have faith.

I secretly hoped that munchkin's wish was a phase to be quickly moved through. Such was not the case.

The next week he started telling people that we were moving.

The week after that he announced his new house would have a huge playroom to play with his friends and a big backyard with a "swing house"

Nightly in his bedtime prayers he would ask God to give us a perfect house. I would listen to him and silently pray for my son to not lose faith.

A few weeks later was the first week of school. As we walked with neighborhood friends, he told them God was giving him a house for Christmas. Oh boy! I had no idea how I would make that wish come true. I had nothing to do but put my faith in God as well. Out of that conversation came the PERFECT mortgage broker who got a loan approved for me.

I began searching for a house. I didn't tell munchkin. After six weeks I found one that was perfect for us. The process was maddening. Things kept popping up. I kept saying a prayer and letting it go. I had some very close friends that I engaged in specific prayers for the process and at the end of the day, we moved into our new home.

It is an amazing blessing that I never thought I would have again and I am thankful that munchkin nudged me into believing what I thought was impossible. I am thankful that I was able to stop my doubt and fear and join my child in relying on God to provide for us instead of dismissing his dream as childish or impractical. I am blessed.

His Piano...

For more than four years now, his piano has been mostly silent.  It is one of those objects that has such a strong sense of him, it brings me to tears to touch it.  So I don't play it-not that I ever did very much, but now I don't at all. 

When munchkin was 2 and 3 he took a piano class at his montessori school.  He loved it but it was a group session and did not necessitate practice on the piano.  Now that he is 5, he has discovered his joy of reading and also the joy of the piano. 

He has dug through my filing cabinet of music and taken it upon himself to "read" the music and "play" the piano.  Fortunately, he remembers a striking amount of the basics (finger numbers and note names) so he is doing fairly well. 

It is odd, that something that when Robert was alive brought us such joy, when he died it pierced my heart with just the sound of the keys.   And now, I see our son, gravitate towards it.  I help him and we work together on it.  He absorbs it like a sponge and it is beautiful to see.

When I say it pierced my heart, I mean that in the most literal sense of the word.  That first Christmas, I tried so hard to play Christmas music and to share that with my family.  I physically could not do it, I would sit on the bench paralyzed with greif and cry.  The tears would run down my cheeks and I would silently close the lid and walk away.   The silence of the piano was deafening to me, but I could not bring myself to play it. 

Now, munchkin has been practicing consistently.  He loves it, he reads his work books and plays the notes.  I really should find him a teach besides me, but I fear that any teacher I find, would not live up to the shadow of Robert.   He was by far and hands down the best music teacher that I have ever seen in my life.  I know that I may be biased, however I also know that there are some former students that read this that will confirm.  He was a special soul and he was built for teaching.  

I pray that I can find someone to help munchkin love music as much as Robert and I do!

Catastrophe

Have you ever lived through a hurricane? If not, be thankful! I have lived through three including Katrina and Rita in Houston.

A hurricane is unnerving. First of all you know it is coming for days so you prepare. Schools shut down businesses shut down and communities check on each other. You tie up or bring in anything and everything that is loose outside lest it become a projectile and injure someone or break something.

Then you wait and wait. The winds and rain start ahead of the storm and when the hurricane finally comes it is hours upon hours of tornadic winds. You stay inside and listen...the power generally shuts off to lessen the likelihood of fires when things fall on transformers. So you sit there in the middle of your house in the dark holding right to your loved ones and you pray. You pray for lives to be spared knowing property can be replaced. It is terrifying and humbling.

When it is over you go outside and you see the damage. The devastation. The utter destruction and you marvel at the power of God.

Several weeks ago, Sandy hit the east coast. I spoke to a friend of mine. He talked about huddling under a staircase in his house with his wife and son for 18 hours while mother nature destroyed everything in her path.

As we were talking he started telling me of the changes to the channel. The rocky bluffs were gone. Just gone. The topography of the inlets is completely changed. There is a river way that had dried up century ago that the hurricane reopened.

As I heard him speak I got to thinking. Nature cleanses the earth with catastrophe. Hurricanes reshape the land and shores....don't believe me? Google Louisiana shoreline post Katrina. A very large part of the state was reclaimed by the Gulf of Mexico.

Fires cleanse a forest. They remove old trees so that the forest can grow and evolve. The dead brush is removed and the ashes nourish the land for future growth. The animals take cover and the slowly return. The rain and snow soothe the charred earth and life begins anew.

As I was thinking about this, I was thinking about me. Losing Robert was a catastrophic event for me. He was gone in an instant. The aftermath has been years and years of pain tempered with growth. My life will never ever be the same as it was on the morning of March 30, 2008. But I am starting to see new growth in me. I am starting to see how things have changed and how I would not have many things in my life that I do have today if that catastrophic event had not happened.

I am starting to see the positive, the life and the joy. While I still miss him deeply and that will never change, instead of thinking that my life ended on that Sunday morning, I see that that morning was a catastrophe. But that catastrophe is a part of who I am now. It is only a part....it does not consume my world anymore.

Did your Daddy vote?

Partisanship aside...I have always understood the importance of voting. So the fact that it was a school day/work day and TaeKwonDo day did not deter me from taking munchkin to vote with me after class. As we drove I explained that all grownups in the USA have the privilege to vote.

They had done a mock vote in class today so he was excited. He was well behaved in line and respectful to the judges and he even managed a piece of chocolate from one that we knew.

As I turned in my ballot, my heart was aching that the first time munchkin will remember going to vote was just the two of us. I put my ballot in the machine and the well meaning sweet lady asked munchkin if he got to go vote with Daddy too.

Too much....the tears flowed, the silent tears I had been holding back just flowed. Munchkin didn't miss a beat..."Daddy lives in heaven" is what he said to the lady. She looked like someone slapped her. Munchkin asked for a sticker and I made a quick escape into the cold drizzle holding tight to munchkin's hand.

We went home had dinner and snuggled to watch the states report their numbers. We talked about what the president does, where he lives and what the house and senate mean. In all I thought it was a great lesson in the privilege of being American citizens even if it did unearth my wounds. Mostly I am glad that munchkin had fun and liked learning about voting.
I only wish that my scars were not so visible to the rest of the world.

Happy Halloween?

Munchkin only had one Halloween with two parents.  I am so blessed that all of the rest of them have been spent with my extended family.  We have trick or treated in our childhood neighborhood with my brother and sister in law and their two munchkins.  We have fun.  We laugh at the kids, we talk about how they are growing.  We have dinner, spend time with Nana and Papa and Aunts, Uncles and Cousins. I historically have gone to bed in tears. 

This year for the first time, I didn't have a kick in the gut at some point.  In past years, there was something that brought me to tears.  Something that reminded me harshly that we are DIFFERENT, that I AM ALONE. This year, not at all.

I had a great time.  Munchkin had a great time.  We saw many friends. Ran in to tons of parents of kids munchkin goes to school with.  He saw many friends that he has made in school this year.  He was happy and I was happy and content to see him that way.  The grown ups chatted and laughed and remembered Halloweens past.    Had dinner with my sister and her husband as well.  She made cupcakes and provided dessert.  The kids trick or treated her block as well.  Everyone knows munchkin and he loves his friends on that block. 

We had a holiday where we were completely happy.  At the end of the evening, snuggling on the couch munchkin told me it was the best Halloween ever!  Now, I realize that from the eyes of a five year old, every Halloween will be the best ever, but hearing that from him made my day.

And for that minute, I felt that maybe just maybe, I am making progress.  That I am enough, that my family is enough.   And for the first time in recent memory on a holiday, I went to bed happy.

I am blessed, and I am grateful. 

Football

Wow, fall kicks off again.  Today was an absolutely beautiful day.  Bright blue sky, fluffy white clouds.  Gentle breezes and not too warm.

It was also the home opener for the Chicago Bears.  Now I am a football fan, I follow my Bears, I watch the games, but Robert, now he was the definition of SUPERFAN.  He had more Bears shirts, sweatshirts and jerseys than I can count.  He lived in Bears gear year round, between that and patriotic t-shirts, that was the bulk of his wardrobe.  Munchkin had his first Bears jersey at 3 months old for the season opener of 2007.   Sunday afternoons were dedicated to football--in an almost obsessive way.   I have some pretty awesome memories that revolve around football.

So this morning, I dressed munchkin in a new bears shirt (last years was way too small) and we went about our day.  Sometimes I am just reminded how different our life is now.  If Robert was still here, we would have had an all out party to watch the game...likely would have even tailgated.  It would have been fun, really fun.  But that is not the life we live now. 

We will likely have some parties centered around football complete with uncles and papa, but not today.  I could not fathom being inside when it was so beautiful out--especially knowing that in a few short weeks the falling leaves and mold will keep us inside until we get a hard freeze--so we spent the afternoon at the park and I caught the scores of the game on my phone. 

But, munchkin ran around with glee and abandon--he made new friends and showed off his new found skill of going across the monkey bars at warp speed.  And it was fun, and it was great--really great.  And somehow seeing the joy in munchkin's face above his Bears t-shirt was enough.  For that I am thankful.

Moving Forward

Moving On

I really have come to despise the phrase "moving on". It implies that you just pick up and move on leaving everything behind.

 Now as much as I would like to obliterate the morning of the accident from my memory, that is just not possible. I will never forget leaving the hotel, driving down the road, stopping for gas. Having him kiss me, tell me he loved me, tell me I was a great mother, now those things I don’t want to forget. What I would like to forget however is the screeching tires, seeing his car spin, seeing debris hit my windshield. The smell of burned rubber, antifreeze, gasoline and blood all mixed together. Yeah, that I wish I could forget. Because really, watching your husband die in front of you…not necessarily a banner day in my life that is for sure. Yes that is what happened to me, to us.

We had taken a long weekend out of town with friends. We took two cars, we NEVER took two cars anywhere. EVER. My mommy impulse kicked in at the last minute and decided that it would be easier to have a 10 month old eat, nurse and nap in the hotel instead of at a car show (shocking to you I know!). So we took two cars. We had a GREAT weekend. Plenty of family time. Munchkin was toddling around everywhere talking away, even said “daddy” for the first time on that Saturday. Sunday morning we left and life changed FOREVER halfway home. He was involved in a head-on collision and the debris from the impact TOTALLED my car as well. I was stranded on the side of the road in the middle of NOWHERE with my son and my husband’s mangled body. I was a babbling idiot…literally….I am not sure I was capable of a coherent sentence for weeks.


 But in spite of all that I have survived. I have found “moving on” doesn’t work for me as a widow. I much prefer moving forward. Moving forward for me means that I recognize that living in the past is not an option. It doesn't mean forgetting Robert or our life or all of the wonderful things about us as a unit. It means recognizing that they are a part of who I am and who I have become in this journey of grief.

I choose to move forward, to get up everyday and to put one foot in front of the other--and at four and a half years later I have done things that at the time seemed insurmountable. Everyday is a choice, this is true for everyone. I choose to find grace and draw my strength from God. I am thankful that I can rely upon the blessings around me. I choose to find new chapters in my life...moving back to Chicago to be with my family, getting a new job, starting Munchkin in pre-school, and now kindergarten, travelling with a toddler. Getting an apartment, living somewhere where Robert has never been.   Some of these things are hard, and man does reality sometimes slap you in the face.  All of these are necessary. These are all new chapters and even though Robert isn't a main character in the chapter he is still there in thoughts and memories.  Sometimes I swear I can even hear his voice narrate.   I don’t do things the same-actually some things are the exact opposite of what he would have liked (my girly floral bedroom for instance) but I like to think that I know what he would say-what he would do.   But I realize that he is not here to do any of it and that is part of the moving on.  Making choices that are best for our family-the best for us.

So moving on...would mean leaving my memories behind...that isn't an option...so I choose moving forward.