Janurary Widowed Blog Hop

I have really enjoyed doing this.  To all of you who have found my blog in this hop and keep coming back, thank you!  I hope that by sharing my story, that maybe just maybe someone can relate.   I know that I started this late in the game so to speak--I wrote in journals for the begining of my grief journey and just this last year started to share it with the rest of you.  To this point, it has been a positive experience.   Please visit the links below.  All of these people have taken the time to share their thoughts and feelings-if you feel so inclined, I am sure that they would like to hear some positive feedback.  In the event that you are not widowed, perhaps visitng these sites will give you some insight into the daily thoughts and activities of people just trying to make it. 



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So at the end of this post, you will see a list of people who in spite of surviving unimaginable tragedies, they thrive and have something to say. They have the courage to share their world with the rest of us and I ask that you take a look at what they have to say.

Maybe, just maybe you may learn something new, or find a new idea. You may find some laughter and you may find some tears, but at the end, you will be sharing a glimpse into a world that none of us would like to belong to.

The details are below:


How to Participate:
1. Visit each of the links below – both hosts and participants – and read their post. Leave them a comment with encouragement, commiseration, community, or however else the post touches you.

Hosts:
Samantha of the Crazy Courage blog
Janine of One Breath At A Time
Rachel of A Little Pink in a World of Camo
Christine of Widow Island
Kiki of Life After Steve
Robin of The Fresh Widow
Ferree of Widow’s Christian Place
Brooke of 2 Peas in the Pod
Paul of Death is an Imposter
Red’s Momma’s Money Matters
Becky’s Choosing Grace Today
Participants:
Cindy’s Widow’s Pursuits
Tim’s Diary of a Widower
The Official Site of Abel Keogh

2. In the comment section of the hosts’ sites, leave a link to any related post, for example on the day-to-day issues you face, memories you have of your spouse, events you’ve attended, etc. These are things many of us discuss via our blogs anyway, so it likely won’t be out of your realm of experience.

3. It would really help us get the word out about the Widowed Blog Hop if you would tweet, share, and spread the word about the Hop! Please use hashtags #Widowed and #BlogHop.

Blue Bins and Memories

So now Munchkin seems to be on the road back to healthy, the past week or so has really been about settling in.  Unpacking, sorting and arranging more stuff in the house. 

Honestly so much has been in storage since 2008, it is hard to know where to start.   I have found a bunch of stuff that I thought was lost.  It has been odd.  Still coming across his handwriting iin unexpected boxes.   Finding stuff and wondering what possesed me to actually pack it???

The BLUE BINS are almost gone!  Granted, some stuff has been repacked into green bins, but such is life right?  The blue bins were a reminder to me...they came from Texas and they have dutifully housed our tangible posessions all this time.  They reminded me of the horrid week of packing away our life, deciding what was important when in my heart, I knew that there was nothing in the house that was more important than HIM and that the simple fact that he would never come home again made everything else painful for me.  So painful, that I don't think that I functioned in any logical way for a very very long time. 

I think that the bins with the music were the most painful for me.  He was a music teacher, a musician and composer.  There are not words that can impart the meaning that music had in our lives.  We used to joke...I could play anything on paper, he could play anything on paper, but usually chose to embellish it somewhat!  Well, I sorted through music today.  All this time, I thought all the music was his, and honeslty, there is a HUGE amoung that is mine!  It is now sorted...Teaching stuff in one bin in the back of the closet.  My choral stuff close to that.  Elementary piano pulled up for munchkin to mess around with.  My band stuff front and center.  The piano is decorated nicely.  I have some pictures that I picked up to hang on the wall. 


It felt good to accomplish something that I had set aside for so long.  For nearly 5 years, I have avoided the music bins.  Well, today they are tackled.   I unearthed tons of memories, but thus far no tears.   This is huge for me.   For years, I could not even look at the blue bins, let alone open them without bursting into tears. 

My heart still aches for him and I still miss him, I always will, but for today, I am more focused on unpacking our house and moving into the future with Munchkin.  He deserves no less than my full love and attention.     

Happy New Year! Reflections on 2012

I am sitting here at about 10:30 local time.   Munchkin is long asleep-we celebrated early complete with pizza, video games, movie, grape juice toast and confetti poppers in our yard. 

I have been reflecting a lot on this past year.There has been so much that has happened in the world.  So much tragedy, so much heartache and yet, there were good things as well.   I think that is true of most years, but I always have liked to reflect on the world around me.


  The year started off very rough for us, but in all it was a very good year.  I can see immense growth in the both of us individually and as a family.   I would love to share some of our highlights:

~ Our new house-WHAT a blessing and miracle!!!

~ Munchkin starting kindergarten at the same grade school I went to and having the PERFECT teacher for us!

~Munchkin got to enjoy the Olympics on TV with me and man did we have fun watching and learning!!! 

~While  I am not a fan of the political rhetoric that preceeds elections, I did get to take munchkin to vote with me and explain in simple terms why it is so important for grown ups to vote.  I am hoping that I can instill this sense of duty into him.   I even explained who I was voting for and why-hopefully he will remember the process of being educated on candidates regardless of whom you choose to vote for!

~Many, many family gatherings this year, including some great times with cousins on the beach.  Enjoying sunsets hand in hand with munchkin is such a treat! And on that note, I got to close the cottage with my dad...got an entire day of him to myself-don't think that has happened in close to 20 years and it was wonderful!

~ Band was phenomenal for me this year, I actually missed less than 10 rehearsals in the second half of the year---this is a new record :0

~ My writing--this blog and a few others that I guest post on have been a huge blessing to me.  I do write daily, and I still struggle with what to type here as opposed to keeping private in my journals so hopefully I can find a little better balance this coming year. 

~ My immediate family...my siblings and parents have had a great year as well.  We have had many many opportunities to be together and I am grateful for that!

~Taking munchkin to his first Notre Dame Game!  GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IRISH!

~Munchkin has advanced THREE TaeKwonDo belts and medaled in TWO Tournaments!  I am so grateful for all of his teachers and that he likes to work hard!

~Taking munchkin downtown to enjoy the Christmas decorations and enjoy lunch with his Papa.  It was so much fun to share with him a memory that I treasure from childhood! We used to always go downtown and meet dad for lunch. 

In all, 2012 was a good year.  I can remember back to December 31, 2008 where my simple plea to God was, "Dear God, please, please let 2008 be the worst year of my life-EVER"  In my mind, I did not think that I could endure let alone thrive.  Thus far, it seems as that prayer has been answered!  I am THANKFUL for that each and every day. 

Perfect moment in December

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Perfect Moment Monday is about noticing a perfect moment rather than creating one. Perfect moments can be momentous or ordinary or somewhere in between.

On the last Monday of each month we engage in mindfulness about something that is right with our world. Everyone is welcome to join.

To participate in Perfect Moment Monday:

Follow Write Mind Open Heart.
Write up your own Perfect Moment and post it on your blog (or other site).
Use LinkyTools below to enter your name (or blog name), the URL of your Perfect Moment post, and a thumbnail image if desired.
Visit the Perfect Moments of others and let the writers know you were there with some comment currency.
Once you make a Perfect Moment post , you may place this button on your blog.What Perfect Moment have you recently been aware of? Visit these moments of others and share your comment love.

The next Perfect Moment Monday event will begin January 28.

(Cross-posted on BlogHer.)



1. Feeling Beachie

2. BereavedBlessed

3. Aloha/Thank God

4. Choosing grace




My perfect moment for December was on Christmas morning, As I sat and watched my son open his presents. I was soaking in his joy. He loves Legos and games so everything he got was a hit. He was so excited. I looked around our new house and looked at him and my heart was full of contentment. He opened his stocking and started chomping on candy canes. He even offered me a sticky half of the one he opened. He was in awe at the gifts that Santa left. He was beyond excited to give me the mini treasure chest he picked out all by himself at the Santa Secret workshop at school.

It was cold outside, the Christmas tree was lit, coffee was brewing. We finished and made pancakes together. We ate our breakfast and went to build Legos. I marveled at the fact that I am now relegated to the role of onlooker. He wants me nearby, but doesn't really need the help in assembling the sets. I realize that no matter how much i would like it to, this wont last forever and I marvel at his reading skills!

For those simple moments, it didn't matter that it is only two of us, the car accident didn't matter and my worry about whether I am enough didn't matter. What mattered was that I am present in the moment to experience magic with him--candy cane kisses, sticky hands and all!

Christmas thoughts

This year...we spent it in our new house. Munchkin was sick...strep and flu and breathing treatments every three hours around the clock....starting a week before Christmas. I was a zombie. I still am!

I digress...we had a quiet morning. He got a video game he wanted so after breakfast we went down stairs to play. As I sat there watching munchkin play I thought of the only Christmas that the three of us had together. I thought of how much Robert would have loved to be playing with him. Assembling toys and playing with them first as he was Santa.

It makes my heart ache to know how much he misses out on in life. I know he lives on in heaven but I also know how much he loved being a father and how much he had talked for years about sharing Christmas with our children.

In the end, I decided that I would focus on how blessed we are. Not only this year but all of the time. I choose to look at all we have been given instead of all that we lost that morning so many years ago.

Families

So this quarter, munchkin has been studying families in school.  They take care in class to recognize that families are different.   I appreciate that-however, I am wondering why on earth they are spending so much time on this topic?

This process has been hard for me...I have taken care to not label us as "different".  I have taken great care to keep us as "normal" as possible.  I answer his questions when he asks them...which up until now, has been sporadic at best. 

Lately, it has been a near daily topic. 

Mommy, I want daddy back.
Munchkin, people can't come back from Heaven
Mommy, but everyone else has a daddy in class, can you go get me a new daddy?
Munchkin, it doesn't work that way. 
Mommy, can you just go back and marry daddy again?
Munchkin, I can't marry daddy again as much as I would like to, he is in Heaven and no matter how much we love and miss him he can't come back.
Mommy, it isn't fair that daddy is an angel.
Munchkin, you are right, it isn't fair, but it will be ok.

uhhh...not sure which is more unsettling as an adult.   The fact that his little heart and brain want Robert back from the dead, or that he thinks a "new daddy"  would make it better.   While my brain knows that he is simply trying to fit us "in" to the mold of his classmates, it doesn't really help. 

What strikes me is that I have to have this conversation with a FIVE YEAR OLD!  When I was five, I recall playing in our play room with my brother, making cookies with my mom and playing in the yard with dad.   I remember preschool and kindergarten--well I mostly remember the cardboard bricks.   I don't remember having any deep conversations with my parents.  We had people in our family die, but not in our immediate family.   I remember being carefree.  

What cuts to the core of my heart, is that my son has an understanding of loss.  He has experienced pain that many people go decades without even considering.  Even if he doen't express it as pain per se, he is learning as he grows how unique we are.

Maybe in my attempt to make him feel like we are normal I have done him a disservice.  Perhaps I am pretending to be normal, to be whole.  Maybe what I should do is embrace our "un-normal" situation.   Really, it is not normal to watch your spouse die in front of you.   It is not a choice that I would expect anyone to make. 

For him it isn't normal for a parent to be widowed.   He has some classmates that have divorced parents--but the kids still have TWO parents on EARTH.  They get to hang out with their dads even if they live with their moms.  He is the only kid in his class that has an angel for a parent and while I realize that it makes us special, for now, in this unit when studying with his peers, it makes him different.  Somehow, it is my job to make different ok. 

God whispers

After Robert died, I sold our house and moved home. I needed to reset the foundation of my life that had been shattered into oblivion and I knew that I needed my family. It was crazy to expect them to be there for me 1300 miles away. This was an easy decision for me as we had been talking about leaving Texas for home before munchkin was in preschool anyway. We felt strongly that we wanted him in school where we grew up. I knew it was what we would have done anyway. While that made the decision logical it was not easy to do. I felt as if I was walking away from our life.

We lived with my mom and dad in the house I grew up in for a long time. It was what I needed. I had the blessing of my parents and munchkin got to be spoiled by them. I worked through some of my hardest grief while living there. There are pictures of me for that first two years where my face simply looks haunted, My eyes are glassy and I am obviously still in shock.

We then moved into an apartment. It was what we needed. I needed to solidify our foundation but munchkin was still too young for me to be able to handle a house on my own. I honestly didn't know if I would ever be able to manage a house.

While the condo was good for me, it wasn't the best for munchkin, There was no place to run around. He had to be quiet inside. We adapted. We went to parks everyday. I kept his baseball mitt, soccer ball, scooter and tee in the back of my car.

He couldn't have friends over...we had to be quiet...five year old boys by definition are not quiet...they are bundles of laughter and energy...

In July as we pulled in from the park, he looked at me.
"momma, I am going to ask Santa for a house for Christmas"
I replied "buddy, if Santa said a DS was not in his budget, I'm pretty sure a house is out of the question"
"hmm.."
"besides, it would take the elves a long time to build it then they would not have time to make as many toys for everyone!"
"ok, mommy. I will just ask God instead. Nothing is to big for God to do"
"you are right buddy, nothing is too big for God"

Oh boy. I was floored in my tracks. Unbeknown to munchkin, I had applied for and been denied a mortgage. I had decided that it was not in God's plan for us to have a house.

I had no idea what to do. I was proud that munchkin had the understanding that things in this world are not up to us but at the same time, five year olds are not great at patience. I also know that things happen in God's time, not ours. As I lay in bed that night I gave my wish to God and got out of the way. I resolved myself that whatever happened I needed to have faith.

I secretly hoped that munchkin's wish was a phase to be quickly moved through. Such was not the case.

The next week he started telling people that we were moving.

The week after that he announced his new house would have a huge playroom to play with his friends and a big backyard with a "swing house"

Nightly in his bedtime prayers he would ask God to give us a perfect house. I would listen to him and silently pray for my son to not lose faith.

A few weeks later was the first week of school. As we walked with neighborhood friends, he told them God was giving him a house for Christmas. Oh boy! I had no idea how I would make that wish come true. I had nothing to do but put my faith in God as well. Out of that conversation came the PERFECT mortgage broker who got a loan approved for me.

I began searching for a house. I didn't tell munchkin. After six weeks I found one that was perfect for us. The process was maddening. Things kept popping up. I kept saying a prayer and letting it go. I had some very close friends that I engaged in specific prayers for the process and at the end of the day, we moved into our new home.

It is an amazing blessing that I never thought I would have again and I am thankful that munchkin nudged me into believing what I thought was impossible. I am thankful that I was able to stop my doubt and fear and join my child in relying on God to provide for us instead of dismissing his dream as childish or impractical. I am blessed.