Mother's Day

What a day.  My mothers day started yesterday actually.  Munchkin and my mom and dad and brother planted flowers in my flower beds.   My sister and her husband gave me a massage certificate.   Munchkin made his uncle take him to pick out flowers for me.  I am a simple girl, flowers and handmade cards are the way to my heart!

Munchkin made me a heart that he wrote I Love you on all by himself. 

Today we started at mass and had a fantastic day.   Dad cooked breakfast, my sister hosted dinner.  In the middle we got a great deal of yard work done.  I am very lucky.  I know that. 

 For YEARS and YEARS I yearned to be a mother.   I used to cry and pray and wish. And it happened, when we least expected it,  it happened. We became parents.  Wholehearted bliss.  I cannot begin to describe the sheer joy that I felt on Mother's Day 2007.  Munchkin was barely two weeks old.  Robert went to the jeweler and got me a necklace with one diamond, and one emerald.  Mine and Munchkin's birthstones.  It was such a special day.  It was the only one with the three of us together.  Robert is the only one who knows exactly what we went through for all of those years.  

I know there are people out there that are not that lucky.  People trying to have kids or grow their family via adoption.  People who have lost children. People that have lost their mothers.   My brother in law lost his mom about a month ago.  He spent the weekend with his dad and sisters.   I know it is hard on him. 

My point is that while I had a blissful day today,   I do know that the occasion can be a bitter pill, I know it was for me for many years.   So today, I snuggled with my growing boy and watched river monsters at the end of the day and I took a deep breath and I thank God for the chance to be a Mother and be able to spend time with my family.   And I hope that all those out there that are feeling things other than joy today find some peace and hope and comfort.  

Late Night TV

Sometimes I wonder if I am the only widowed person, or simply the only person that finds those lawyer ads that are on late night offensive. 

The ones that tell you that kids without dads are destined to be horrible failures addicted to drugs and in jail.  Right, because we don't have enough to worry about.

These ads bring forth so many emotions for me.  Anger that men would willingly choose to walk away from their children.   Solace in the fact that some of them should walk away because they are not good for their children in so many ways! 

I know in my heart that Robert was a great father.  He was amazing and literally waited his entire life to be a father.  

He is not the person these ads refer to.  He would never have left us of our own choice.  He would be here still if he could.  

I know that I do the best I can in raising munchkin and I have a fantastic support system around us. 

Even though it feels as if the ads are yelling at me singling me out, I need to shut off the tv, tune out the negativity and rest in the solace that we are just fine! 

News or no news?

In our house, we have a pretty strict media/tv blackout.   The tv that he does watch is premeditated and time limited.   Cartoons, Animal Planet and History Channel are fair game.  I watch the news, usually in my bedroom at the start and end of the day.   I watch a great amount of mindless TV as well.  

But here is the thing, I really don't let him watch the news.  I never have.  However we do read the newspaper, and since he can read in the past few months we have been confronted with movie theater shootings and the tragedy at Sandy Hook.   The have been so many things that have happened in the news lately that I have used it as an opportunity to talk about the world around us.   

Yesterday I had a conversation with another parent.  We discussed what we let our kids watch on tv.  My take on network news is that it is sensationalized and tends to focus on the horrible things that happen in the world.   I know that there is evil.  I know that bad things happen.   I am just not sure that a six year old needs to see it.   I don't want him to see all of the bad things around us all the time without learning about some of the really great things that happen in our world. 

Then at a break at a work conference I caught that the verdict was in on the Jodi Arias trial.  People were cheering and acting like their sports team won a major series.   I kid you not.  I don't think it is great that someone is guilty of murder.  The judicial finding of guilt won't change the fact that a family lost a loved one to murder.  Nope, not one bit...it won't make them sleep better at night and for the most part, those that were cheering have probably never been touched by tragedy.  

I find the tv coverage laughable at best and disenchanting in the least.   I also found it ironic that this conversation had taken place this morning and I was instantly grateful that Munchkin won't be exposed to this three ring circus on the news for weeks to come.  

Perfect Moment Monday

Ok a little late but better than never right?

We have had so many simple moments, I honestly don't know where to start.

Munchkin is growing up so quickly. The other night, we were playing in the yard. I love to take pictures, well now I do anyway...it was one of the duties I picked up when Robert died, He took pictures of us every month, documenting Munchkins growth and changes. For several months it didn't hit me that wasn't doing that. The I realized my camera was broken and got a new one and started snapping.

While he was running around the yard squirting dandelions with his new squirt gun, I went inside and grabbed my camera. I was able to capture his joy at playing with his squirt gun int he beautiful light of dusk. He was laughing and I was looking at him through my lens letting him run wild while I snapped away.

I soaked it up. He was being a ham, flashing his big smile and gorgeous blue eyes and my heart was full of contentment to be able to share this time with him.

Sometimes for me or is the simplicity of life without drama or sadness that really recharges my soul!


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Turning 6

Munchkin turned six last week. I can't believe that time has flown by so quickly, He is an amazing young man and I love being his mommy. Really I do, I wouldn't trade it for anything...I will take all of it, the messiness, illness, challenges...I soak it in. I soak up his sassy mouth and his (my) sarcastic sense of humor. At times when I want to scream, I take a breath and remember everything is a phase....including his vocabulary.

Sometimes though, I can't help remembering the fact that Robert was cheated out of celebrating any of Munchkin's birthdays with us, It makes me ill to remember the fact that Robert never got the opportunity to select one birthday theme, present, streamer or birthday hug. It breaks my heart to know that Munchkin won't have memories of his daddy on his birthday.

This year he wanted a basketball hoop-perfect daddy son activity right???? I know we are lucky and I thank God everyday. A few weeks ago, I alerted my sister and her husband that this was the birthday wish. They are expensive so I asked grandparents to kick in cash and Heather and Tom are covering the vast bulk of the cost and Tom will install it and he will play with him. I know that there are other families who are not nearly as lucky as we are to have people to step up...and my family has stepped up HUGE for us. I really am grateful, really I am. I just wish that they didn't have to.

Eye of the Storm

Have you ever lived through a hurricane?  When they talk about the "calm before the storm" or the "eye of the storm" it is a real thing and it is eerie.

We went through several while we lived in Houston.  The eye is a surreal experience.  You have been pounded and pounded by wind and rain and then it stops.   Just as suddenly, it stops.   It is quiet and calm, and on more than one occasion, the sunshine came out for a bit and the animals started to peek out.   

Then BAM! Out of nowhere it starts again, the wind the rain, the hail.  It is relentless.  

When you come out the other side, when the storm finally passes, you hope that is the end.  You look and you see the sun, you see the debris, you see the damage.  You see your neighbors.   Everyone is helping.  You chat, you wonder if there will be any "trailing".   You know, other storms that follow the hurricane. 

Grief is kind of like that.  At first it beats you up.  The wind howls, the tears fall, you rock yourself to try and find some solace.  It takes a lot of time but believe it or not, you actually get used to the storm and you start to slowly go about your daily duties.  You get dressed, you do the dishes, you do housework.   After such a long time of being under siege, you are used to functioning at that same capacity.   You wipe your tears, you sleep when you are too exhausted to cry.  If you are lucky you have a great support system to cheer you on. 

One day you wake up, and you smile.  A nearly imperceptible smile, but a smile nonetheless.  You are in the eye of the storm.  You go about your life, you put one food in front of the other you notice the sun on your face, you feel a gentle breeze.  You survey the changes in you and the changes around you. 

You hope and you pray that it is a big eye.   That the storm give you enough of a break to actually clean up and repair a little bit.  You look at the storm behind you and you are grateful that you survived.  You don't take your time in the eye for granted.  Oh no, you know that the other side of the storm looms.  You have no idea when it will hit, but you know in your soul that it will. 

You feel it come, the winds whip at your face and the tears start to fall.   Perhaps it was because you smelled something or touched something that reminded you of life before the storm.  But know this, when you are in the second side of the storm, you stand a little taller, you don't hunker down quite as long.  You have done this once.

The knowledge that you have already survived the worst gives you the strength to stand up and move.  It doesn't stop the tears and the pain, but it does give you the fortitude to push through.   After all, nothing that the second side of the storm throws at you will be as shocking or as crazy as when the storm first came to uproot your life.   You know you can do this because you can.

 It doesn't mean that you go  running and chasing hurricanes-it simply means that when they come to rest at your door, you know that you can survive what they bring. 

It is just stuff...

So we are in the midst of a monsoon...which means for the first time in my new house I am learning to deal with flooding.   YIPPEE!

Here is my take, my yard is flooded, my basement is wet, there is silt seeping in through the foundation.  But it is just stuff. 

I am safe, my son is safe, my family is safe.   It is just STUFF. 

The sewer is a geiser in the middle of the street, the water has receeded a bit, but we are due for more rain.  So it is likely to come back up.

I am proud of myself.  Proud of the fact that my initial reaction was the correct one.  That anything that gets wet or ruined, is just stuff.  I moved stuff out of the basement becuase I figured that pulling out wet crap would be far more difficult.   So I watched to make sure the sump pump engaged, I squeegeed up the water. I moved as much stuff upstairs as I could. I did it by myself. I didn't panic, I didn't wallow, I just did it.

Perhaps I am simply desensitized by my nomadic lifestyle since Robert died.  Perhaps that shock of losing so much stuff and so much of our stuff has made it easier for me to let it go?  I don't know what it is, but for the moment I will be grateful.