Today marks five years since that morning. I still miss you, but more than that, I hope that you really can see us from Heaven. I hope that you can see just how far we have come. I hope that you know that even though I don't cry every day that I still love you and I still miss you.
I hope that you can see how much you have shaped me as a person. I am not the same young girl that you married, and I am not the same woman who buried you. I have tried very hard to make sure that losing you did not make me old and bitter. That losing you gave me the opportunity to acknowledge your love for me and for Munchkin.
I look around myself and I still see pieces of you everywhere. Today, they make me smile more than cry and I am glad that I did hold on to some of your things. I have your piano, your trumpet. In the back of my closet I have one of your bears sweatshirts...it is tattered, but it reminds me of you. I sitll have "Conductor Bear" and your bottle of cologne I can pick it out anywhere! The other day I came across one of your written compositions of piano music. It reminded me of all of the time that we had spent together in the studio.
Well, I finally have a music room again, and Munchkin and I spend time together making music.
Honestly, I didn't think that I would have come this far. I hope that you can see all of my new friends and that you see the friends of ours who stood by my side and helped me. Because, really at the beginning, there were days where it was almost insurmountable to put my feet on the floor and get out of bad, missing you hurt me that badly. I think for many of our friends, it was too much for them to see me so broken.
But many friends stood by me. I had friends and family that were there. They helped me see the light and to remember you when it was too hard to even bear. Some kicked my butt when I needed it, some dried my tears and others just listened when I needed to talk about you. For a long time, I felt that I was losing you over and over again daily. Our friends helped me to see that was not the case. I hope that you can see them too!
My sister and my brothers, they miss you too. More than they talk about. I know that they do. Munchkin peppers them and me with questions about you. It is sweet to see how they answer him. Mom and Dad miss you too. They worry about me and about Munchkin but I think that they finally believe that we will be ok.
Oh, and our baby boy, he isn't so much a baby anymore. He is a vibrant happy boy. We play baseball, ride bikes and play catch. I think of you, and I hope you can see us being happy. Really, more than anything, I hope you see us happy. I hope you know that happiness is possible again only because I know that you loved me so completely. I know that you would want me to be happy. I know that it broke your heart anytime I would cry, so to honor your memory I look for and seek out the happiness.
I try and teach that to Munchkin as well. I hope you can see what a good heart he has and how hard he works at everything that he does. He does many things that you used to do. He uses many of your hand gestures and definitely has your daredevil sense of adventure! (He does however have my sarcasm and quick wit!)
What I really hope that you know is that you are a part of me and you always will be. I was changed because of losing you, but my biggest blessings and changes have come from knowing you and being your wife.