Friday, March 1, 2013

Soft Smiles

The other day, Munchkin and I got in the car after sledding.   When I turned the key, the song hit me...

I'll be your dream
I'll be your wish I'll be your fantasy
I'll be your hope I'll be your love
Be everything that you need
I'll love you more with every breath
Truly, madly, deeply do
I will be strong I will be faithful
'cause I'm counting on
A new beginning
A reason for living
A deeper meaning, yeah

Wow, what a slap in the face.  I was immediately transported back to one of our dates.  It was a snowy day and we were down at the Naperville River Walk.  We had been walking hand in hand admiring the snow.  Robert had picked up a snowball and thrown it into the river.  All of the geese dove for it thinking it was food and we just laughed and laughed at that. 

When we got in his truck, this song was on and he started to serenade me.   This became one of our songs. 

As I let a soft smile spread across my lips, the second verse came on.

And when the stars are shining
brightly in the velvet sky,
I'll make a wish send it to heaven
Then make you want to cry
The tears of joy for all the
pleasure and the certainty
That we're surrounded by the
comfort and protection of
The highest powers
In lonely hours
The tears devour you

I could not help myself.  It was as if I was hearing that verse clearly for the very first time.   I silent tear slid down my cheek.   Who would have known that 16 years later that those words would ring so true for us and for our love.  "I'll make a wish send it to heaven then make you want to cry"  "That we're surrounded by the comfort and protection of the highest powers, in lonely hours, the tears devour you".   I never would have imagined that snowy day 16 years ago, that I would listen to this same song 16 years later and have it touch my heart so poignantly.  

Munchkin who had not yet buckled his seat belt, leaned forward.
"Mommy, you have water on your cheek!" He said as he wiped away my tear. 
"Mommy, that isn't water, why are you crying?"

I told him that I missed Daddy.  His answer, "Mommy, just forget about him, he loves us from Heaven!"
Wow, such simple words and so simply put.   A few years ago, this would have torn through my heart.  Today, however, I can see that Munchkin simply wanted me to be happy, to be present with him instead of stuck in the longing of what we have lost.   Today, I can hear him loud and clear and understand his desire.   I am grateful that I can see his perspective and even more grateful that I want the same thing.   I want to be present for him.  I want to be here for my child and I want to be happy.   I know that it won't change how much I miss Robert, it won't change any of the facts, that he is gone, that he died.   What it does change is ME.  My choice, my perspective, my attitude.  

And back to the song....
Oh can you see it baby?
You don't have to close your eyes
'Cause it's standing right
before you
All that you need will surely come

Sometimes the words of a child and simple lyrics of a song can mean just what your heart needs to hear.  

**All Lyrics are from "Truly, Madly, Deeply"  by Savage Garden, they retain their original copyrights***