Monday, January 28, 2013

Habit or Hapenstance?

There are times in life where I absolutely go onto autopilot.  Generally in a very sleep deprived state.  When autopilot kicks in, it tends to revert to the way things have always been...I mean I was married in 1999, he died in 2008.  I was 23 when we got married so pretty much all of my adult life was spent in our marriage. 

There are certain things that are "the way things were" and things that I do now differently.   For instance, we used to keep pans on the stove...he had back issues and it was easier for him.  I now have enough cabinet space to put everything away.   Tonight as I was doing the dishes, I noticed I had reverted to keeping stuff on the stove.  Mind you, my new house has the EXACT same stove and dishwasher that my old house had.  For just a minute it was an eerie reminiscence.  My stock pot (pretty much the only pot I kept!) was sitting on top of the stove.  Then I remembered, I was just too exhausted to take it down to the shelving in the laundry room last night.  For just a minute, my brain was transported to the way things were. 

I hosted Christmas Eve this year.  When I was shopping I was thinking about all of the times that we hosted Christmas Eve for our friends in Texas.   I shopped that way as well.   There is a particular cherry soda that is made in Cudahay, Wisconsin.  It used to be called Black Bear, but now it is Sprecher.   Robert LOVED Black Bear Cherry Soda!  When we went through Wisconsin to visit his brother we would stop and buy a case or two, maybe three if we had a bunch of room.   Now, I prefer the orange cream as do my brothers.  Well, when I made my purchase I instinctively included a 6 pack of the cherry.  Out of habit.  No rhyme or reason or conscious choice, just simply because I would have always done it in the past (well and I was completely sleep deprived then too!)   It is still sitting on my counter.   Well, not to be one to let things go to waste, I had one with dinner tonight...I really didn't know that taste buds could have memories.  I fought back a flood of memories and tears with the first sip.

Somehow, my mind and my body just know...they just know how things used to be...how they should have been.  Maybe while my heart and soul are starting to mend, I need to give the rest of me a little more time to get used to our new normal.