Saturday, January 19, 2013

TV and Reality

Ok, so I don't have a whole lot of time to watch TV...shocking I know!   I do have a few shows that I watch fairly regularly.   Private Practice has been at the top of that very short list for a while. 

Interestingly enough, the show has entertwined with my reality for a while.   There have been 2 widowers and a widow.   One of the widowers remarried and had a baby, he then died and she is now widowed.   I have watched how the show has done a decent job at trying to entertwine their sorrow into the show.  

This past week, Violet was speaking to friends of hers---she was flirted with by a man in a store and went running away in tears.   I totally relate to that....she cries a lot in the rest of the show....relate to that too.  Two things really struck me.  One scene she was in a breakroom crying and a friend tried to hug her becuase he didn't know what to say.  He then changed his mind and told her that 5 years ago, she would not have imagined that life would bring her to her dead husband, two years ago, she could not have imagined being a mother and a year ago she could not have imagined losing Pete.   He went on to tell her, that just becuase she can't see in her mind to look to tomorrow, that doesn't mean that it isn't there.   Her story doesn't end here. 

Now, realize that I am completely paraphrasing here.   But that mantra, really spoke to me.  It is one of those things that I have said to myself.   If someone had told me I would be a mother and a widow within the same twelve months, I would have thought that they were crazy...there was no way to imagine that ever happening.  

If someone had told me that I would survive and dare I say THRIVE in nearly five years of being alone....I would have that they were nutty....in those initial dark months, I could noth fathom surviving, let alone thriving, yet here we are. 

We have some days, and we have some bad days...but they are farther and farther between....sometimes I can go weeks, or months without crying now.  It doesn't change that I miss Robert fiercely.  It does not change the hole in my heart, it simply means that I have chosen to live in the present and to be present for myself and for my child.  

The episode ended with Violet speaking to her friends newborn baby girl.  She is telling her that life is a fairy tale...that she hopes her "story doesn't end with a dead prince".   She walks away and then turns around and comes back.  "Your story will NOT end with a dead prince, no fairy tale ends with a dead prince!"

That simple affirmation, while it may seem slightly morbid to some not acquainted with death and loss is really very hopeful.  

I had a fairy tale...I pray my fairy tale does not end with a dead prince either!